Original SWAT Kats Story

Dark Ages/A Tribute to tED tURNER

By Sigma 9

  • 1 Chapter
  • 5,592 Words

T-Bone, Razor, and Niaome go back to the Dark Ages, and tensions arise over Callista’s hand in marrage. Included is the ultimate anti-tED tURNER story known to mankind!

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(Title: SWAT Kats: Dark Ages)
(Coming After: The Midnight Magic Series dubbed Midnight Madness)
(Author: Ryan "Jake "B-ko Daitokuji" Shard" Kelley)
Midnight. All of Megakat City was dead. A time vortex opened up. Out came
"I must have Callista as mine. She's all I've ever cared about. I think she's so
wonderful!" Pastmaster thought. "This time, I'll do it correctly, not harshly."
                                                    SWAT Kats:
                                                      Dark Ages
                              Ryan "B-ko "Jake Shard" Daitokuji" Kelley
Act One:
       Chance yawned. Nothing could be nearly as boring as Wheel of Diddly
       "Jake, Let's do something, go somewhere." Chance said.
       "I'd like to, but we really can't. I think my father's going to call."
Jake said.
       "Oh." Chance returned. "You don't sound all that happy about it."
       "Yeah, he wanted be to become an accountant, but that was so boring.
After that, he has really dispised me." Jake explained.
        "So? If he's a bitch, don't talk to him." Chance said.
        "I have to." Jake said.
        "Huh? For once, Razor, you make no sence." Chance said.
        Razor seemed to grow more distant "I don't wanna talk about it."
        Chance tried to help Razor. "Hey, at least Naiome has-"
        "I SAID FORGET IT!" Razor said.
        "Sorry." Chance said. "Ill... uh just join Naiome."
        Razor sat, stairing at the table with the phone on it. A tear ran down
his cheek. The phone rang...........
        "Hey, Naiome. Why do I always find you down here?" Chance said, going
down into the hangar.
        "IT'S GREAT! You two did a lotta work to do this!" Naiome chirpped. She
had blonde short hair. Her fur was the same color as Chance's. Her innocent
saphire eyes were full of joy to be alive. Her pink short sleeve shirt revealed
the tiger stripes on the backs of her arms. Her faded blue pants were some that
Chance used to wear, giving her an overweight appearance. She wasn't as bulky as
Chance, but still bulkier than the average kat. Ever since her dragon episode,
she'd been full of joy for everything.
       "Jake's upstairs, but I wouldn't go up there." Chance said.
       "Huh? WHY?" Naiome asked.
       "He's just acting weird. Too weird to deal with. Take it from me, when he
acts really weird and yells at ya, stay away from him. Chance said. from
upstairs, came a scream of terror and suprise. Both kats looked at each other
and rushed into the garage above. Razor was standing up, very skaken, and
shivering. his whole right side was imbrued in blood and his right ear was
practacly torn off.
        "Jake, what happened?" Naiome asked.
        "Ma, ma.... uh ifht............ tigmd.... yoshick......... nowaksck!" he
Act Two:
         "So the phone came alive and tried to bite your ear off. Then when we
came up, it stopped moving? C'mon, Jake. That's pretty lame!" Chance said.
         "It's true!" Jake said. The SWAT Kats and Naiome were coming back from
the hospital a week after the afforesaid incident.
         Callie Briggs was finishing up on the mayor's paperwork, and could
begin on her own, as soon as the last part was done. Suddenly, the door opened.
         "Sorry, do you have an appointment?" Callie asked.
         The reply came "No, but I still need to speak to you."
         Callie watched as Pastmaster walked up to her. Callie punched her
         "What do you want?" Callie asked.
         "Please, I mean no harm." Pastmaster said. "Can we be freinds?"
         "Uh...... I-I...... I'm dating the SWAT Kats!" Callie said, amazed at
her quick thinking. "They're...... uh...... wonderful!"
         "Ahhh. Do you know them personally?" Pastmaster said, trying to keep
his cool.
         "Personally? Uh....... Yeah!" Callie said.
         Pastmaster came closer to her "Oh. Who are they? Wh-"
         "Uh....... Burke Yoshida and Murray Kapichpizon!!" Callie interupted.
         "What are they to me? I can get whatever you want. Please Callista, I
don't know much in the way of a girl, but I can learn. At least say that I could
stay here and watch you work." Pastmaster said, on verge of storming out to find
the "SWAT Kats" that Callie said their "true identities", or something.
         "Uh, okay." Callie quarked. " J-just sit ov-over there, away from me."
         "Don't be frightened. I won't hurt you." Pastmaster said. " I didn't
recognize you with you're glasses on."
         "SWAT Kats, GET OVER HERE, NOW!!!" Callie thought. "I don't think I can
stall this little jerk for much longer!"
         As if her thought was answered, the SWAT Kats came in. Seeing
Pastmaster kneeling in front of her, they crept up behind, and threw him out the
glass window, over looking the city.
         "Thanks guys!" Callie sighed. "Another minute and I wold have been
engaged to that pest. Hey, who's the third SWAT Kat? Have we met?"
         The SWAT Kats truned around to see Naiome in her own outfit that looked
like a cross between both of the SWAT Kat's flight suits.
          "Uh..... she's new." Razor tried. "Her name is.... uh..... well.....
you know...."
          "Kotobuki! Naiome san sai! New matchi mani mon!" Niome yelled. "I'm
called Maadi!"
         "Maadi?" Chance asked.
         "Yeah! She's great! I'm calling myself Maadi Just like her!" Naiome

"Mari (Pronounced Maadi)" Furlong said.
          The door to Callie's office was broken open. "NO ONE INSULTS THE
PASTMASTER!!" Pastmaster cried. There was a flash of light pink light.
Act Three:
          The SWAT Kats, Naiome, and Pastmaster found themselves in a wooded
          "DAMN!" Pastmaster cried as he ran out of sight. The place seemed
slightly familiar to T-Bone.
           "Here, Let's go this way." T-Bone said.
           "T-Bone, What's up?" Razor asked.
           "I don't know, but I think that stupid troll blasted us back into the
past." T-Bone replied.
           "No way!" Mari said.
           "Naiome, Shut up! Whydja do that?" Chance said.
           "Oh, I want to be just like you two. You're both really cool!" Naiome
chirpped "and now, you have to have me in! Don't worry, I'll get my own rides.
I'll do a lot on my own! You'll see!"
           Out from the shadows of the forest came the end of the forest and an
orange castle.
           "Hey, I remember this!" Razor said. "That's Queen Callista's castle!"
Chance watched as Razor's eyes became full of exitement and passion. That gaze
turned to confusion when he saw that T-Bone and Madi weren't in sight.
            "Boo!" T-Bone yelled from behind Razor. Razor lurched into the
            "See, I told ya' it worked, Naiome!" Chance chuckled.
            "That's FUNNY!" Naiome squealed.
Act Four:
            "Thine queen, there art three that request thine servace." a guard
told the queen.
            "Dost art send them them in." the queen. In walked the SWAT Kats.
The queen's eyes lighted up.
             "My goddess! Thine SWAT Kats!" The queen said.
             "Is she that queen you guys talked about?" Naiome asked.
             "Yes, Naiome!" Chance said, a little annoyed.
             "I am so glad you hath come back, Sir Razor. Mabye we could do what
thou hath withed to do before." Callista said, stroking Razor's cheek.
             "Hey! I'm here too you know!" T-Bone said.
             "How many more of you are there?" Callista asked, looking back at
the three of them.
            "Really, there's just us, my queen. Razor, you know all about this
castle. Why don'tcha show Mari around. I'll be here by Callista." T-Bone said.
           "Uh, T-Bone. Why are we here in the first place?" Razor asked.
           "Yes, why place thine surprise visit on thee?" Callista asked.
           "I don't know. The Pastmaster sent us and himself here." T-Bone said.
           "Yeah! He went somewhere and we're stuck here." Naiome said. "Razor,
show me around."
           "Remember to come back for thine supper!" Callista said.
           "Yay!" Naiome squealed. Up she went, dragging Razor by the hand. All
through the castle, you could hear Naiome saying something or another. After
about their thirtith tour of the castle, Razor had to insist to stop.
           "Awwww! But Razor! I wanna look at the cathedral!!" Naiome wined.
           "Naiome. I want to spend my time wi....... some time at... with
Callista. You havn't held.... let go of my hand for a long time."Razor said.
           Reluctantly, Mari let go of his hand. Both went into the dining hall.
most of the kats were gone and the rest were finishing up. Callista and T-Bone
were both on the far side. T-Bone didn't see them come in on account that he was
staring at Callista.
          "Where art thou been?" Callista asked as Razor and Mari sat down.
          "Mari led thirty times around here." Razor said.
          "I see. I'll wait for you to finish, and then I'll lead you to where
you three will be sleeping." Callista said. "If it's all right, with you, Sir
Razor, I'd like you to sleep beside me. I'd feel much safer."
          "Huh?! Wha??" T-Boe said, snapping out of his perverted reverie of him
and Callista.
          "Nothing, Sir T-Bone, but why were you staring at me like that?"
Callista asked.
          "Oh! You don't wanna know!!" T-Bone said.
Act Five:
         One day followed the next. Naiome was anxious on how to get back to
their time, but neither of her partners would speak of the topic. Mari was bent
on going home because between T-Bone and Razor, a big amount of tension was
building up. She could tell that some kind of rivalry would brake out between
the two over Callista. She knew she had  to stop it before any dammage was done.
Both T-Bone and Razor would ever leave her side. she had an idea.
       Walking in, she saw her new partners trying to divert Callista's
attention from the other.
        "T-Bone, T-Bone!" she said, pulling his arm.
        "Wha, wha?" T-Bone replied.
        "Could we do something?" Naiome asked. "I'm so BORED!"
        "Well, I'm kinda buisy. Mabye later." T-Bone said.
        "PLEASE!!" Naiome asked.
        Chance frowned at her "Buzz off!"
        Mari put on her most hurt face. "You're so MEAN! You never used to be
this mean! Ever since we came here, you've been this way." Naiome ran out faking
crying. No one followed. She waited. Some were looking at her weird, but Chance
was still where he was. This was confirmed when she peeked in at the three. She
turned away. Now she did feel like crying. Back in her room, she cried.
        Pulling herself back together after a few minutes, she devised another
schemeto get her friends away from Callista. She walked back to the throne room,
but it was empty. Fearing the worst, she ran outside. Razor was outside with
Callista. Running to them, she *senced* the worst.
        "Where's T-Bone?" Naiome asked.
        "I don't know. he was here a second ago." Razor said.

        Naiome's face went white.
Act Six:
        For the next few weeks, Naiome saw very little of her brother. He only
seemed to come into various places and walk out with stuff. He didn't sleep in
the room where he and Naiome slept. Naiome became worried. During that time,
Naiome was outsice the castle, picking some of the wildflowers. She thought
Chance would like them. There was one especially beautiful purple one she found.
Upon seeing Chance come back into sight from the west,  Naiome realized then she
had to catch him. To see where he was all that time. She lost him inside, so she
waited for him at the exit gate, her beautiful boquet, bound in ribbon. Razor
came and stood beside her.
        "Razor, where have you been? I havn't seen you all day yesterady, or
today." Naiome asked him.
        "Then you don't know? I married callista yesterday, and my corronation's
today!" Razor said.
        "NOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU'RE JOKING, RIGHT?............ *RIGHT??*" Naiome
asked, in complete shock.
        "It's true. I have seen T-Bone come and go. I'm wondering what's on his
mind." Razor said. Naiome stared as T-Bone came walking out of the castle with a
odd peice of meatal in his hand. He looked different, dirter and darker in
complexion. He also had a scab on his arm.
          Razor ran up to him "Hey, long time no see-"
          "Step aside." T-Bone said harshly.
          "Hey, what's your problem?" Razor asked. "Why are ya-"
          "GET OUT OF THE WAY!" T-Bone yelled coldly.
          "What's happened to you?" Razor asked.
          "I'll show what's happened to me." T-Bone said. With that, T-Bone gave
Razor a smash across the face. T-Bone's hand started to bleed from the impact he
made by accedentally hitting part of his hand on Jake's hemet. T-Bone hit him
twice more, then threw him to the ground.
          Razor looked up at T-Bone "What the- Whata you doing?"
          "Razor, I've got only four words to say to you. Consider our
partnership *DISSOLVED*!" T-Bone said, as he walked out of the castle.
          Mari watched him for a moment. Razor got up. "Well, FINE! Don't come
back here again!" he shouted. Naiome dropped her flowers. She was too late.
Act Seven:
          For the next week, Naiome stayed in her room. She couldn't go outside.
She couldn't bear looking at Razor. Finally, she came up to Callista.
          "Callista, do you know a way for me to go home. I can't live here any
longer." Mari said.
         "Yes. I'll do it myself. But where is Sir Razor and Sir T-Bone? won't
they go too?" Callista asked.
         Mari looked at her sadly "Mmmmm, no! Razor's gonna stay here for the
rest of his life, and T-Bone's never coming back here, and I'm homesick!" Naiome
started crying.
         "There, there. King Razor said that he'd really want to go home for a
while too." Callista said.
         "I wanna go ALONE!" Mari wined.
         "All right, I'll send back King Razor back tomarow." Callista said.
         "Great!" Naiome chirped.
         Before she knew it, Naiome was back home. A day later, Jake returned.

Niome was furious at him, and was determined to show it.
         "Jake, I'm never talking to you again!" Naiome said.
         "Wha? Now what?" Jake asked.
         "How dare you get Chance to leave! I hate you!" Naiome yelled at him.
         "Naiome, sorry. I didn't do it. One day, he stormed out. I had no
control over it." Razor said.
FREINDSHIP?" Naiome yelled.
         "Sorry, but she's so wonderful. Pure passion!" Razor replied.
         "Then why don't I find her attractave?" Naiome asked.
         "You're a girl." Razor replied.
         "I'm gay!" Naiome lied. Razor looked at her wide eyed.
         "You're gay?!" he asked.
         "Yes!" She lied, unable to control her urge to crack a smile.
         "You're lying!" Razor replied.
         "Anyway, I'm not speaking to you!" Naiome said.
         Razor's face tightened. He sat on the couch and just stay there. Naiome
wasn't going to fall for one of her own tricks. She watched as he bent over and
started to cry. "Boy, he's a better faker than I thought!" Naiome thought to
herself. The two of them sat unmoving from their positions on the couch. Night
fell. Suddenly, Mari could hear sounds coming from outside. Looking up, Naiome
saw Chance still in his SWAT Kat outfit. He was carrying a device and beside him
was Pastmaster.
        "We could stay here, tonight, Pastmaster. Tommarrow, you get the city
and Callie. I'll take Turmoil." Chance said from outside.
        "I thought Turmoil was dead!" Naiome thought
        "Tomarrow will be a wonderous day. The day I conquer your world. Getting
rid of this monsterous city nonsence in exchange for the secnery of the past
will be wonderfull. Your world has a lot to learn about beauty, SWAT Kat."
Pastmaster replyed.
        "Jake, you gotta help me!" Naiome whispered to Jake. Jake only looked at
her mournfully and said "I've lost everything. If Chance wants to conquer the
world, I'll be the first to go."
         Naiome slipped out the backway. She listened as Chance repeatedly hit
Razor in some violent way. A shot rang out. Looking in through a window, she
could see what appeared to be Jake, only she wasn't sure because the heap was
too torn apart to tell anything from.
Act Eight:
         She'd go for help. Who'd beleive her? Silently, she slipped into the
hangar, got into her SWAT Kat outfit, and started up the Turbokat. Before she
knew it, she was out of the hanger. The only thing that kept her from crashing
was her Haura-Fusia (pronounced Haur ya Fuse you eeyia). When the new day came,
she could see T-Bone and Pastmaster heading for City Hall, probably to get rid
of the mayor. Mari jumped down to the street below.
         "Don't go any further, brother dear!" Naiome said to T-Bone.
         "I thought you were in the Dark Ages. I'll show you!!" T-Bone said.
With that, T-Bone whipped off his SWAT Kat uniform with one quick motion.
underneath was a baccini style suit of purple armor with small winglike
attachments that could be seen from the front. He also wore a see through purple
helmet that covered his face. On his arms and legs was skimpy protection there
too, but that was all. All in all, he'd win first prize in the male
crossdressing swimsuit contest.
          "You might remember this suit." T-Bone said "I used it on you before
and I'll use it again."
          "I'll have to stop you again." Naiome said. Soon after, Naiome and
Chance were throwing each other against buildings, and beating each other to a
          "Utaggiama Missiles!" T-Bone called out. from one of his arms shot out
three highly explosive missiles at Naiome.
          "Overhead Throw!" Naiome yelled, throwing Chance into the nearest
building with a flip.
          "Ahapiama Missiles!" T-Bone shot out a steady stream of missiles at
Naiome, each one hitting the ground a bit further than the last.
          "Off The Wall Kick!" Naiome bounced off a building and back into
          "Utachiama Missiles!!" T-Bone shot a series of missiles that zigzagged
toward their target.
         "The Garetchi PUNCH! Traditionally followed by the Corrlsbian Throw!"
Naiome punched Chance into the ground then picked him up, spun him around, then
let go, letting him crash into another building
         "Roses!!!!" T-Bone threw a bunck of roses toward the approaching
         "Wax Lips!" Naiome threw a pair of yak sized wax lips at Chance.
         "Somekinda Bomb!" T-Bone tried throwing a Somekinda Bomb at Niome, but
missed. Instead, it hit and destroyed the New New Robyn Alexander's Dance
Robyn was getting ready to start her first class. she got out of her car and
looked at her accomplishment.
         "I have a feeling it's going to be a wonderful day today!" she said.
Then the Somekinda Bomb hit her studio. The whole place went up in one burst.
Her joyous expression faded.
          "Well, there goes my wonderful day!" she said.

(Author's note: If you don't get the joke, read the Midnight Magic Series to see
the full magic involved in nuking her dance studio three times in a row.)

          Naiome and T-Bone stood about ten feet apart. Both were exausted.
"T-Bone, why are you doing this? Now will you tell me?" Naiome said.
          "He's mine. I caught him storming away from Callista's castle, so I
turned him into one of my mindless slaves. He serves me now. Go away, before he
kills you. You can't last much longer, and I'm surprised you lasted this long."
Pastmaster said. Naiome had one idea left, she smirked at the Pastmaster. In the
blink of an eye, Pastmaster had taken control of the city
Act Nine:
          The day dawned. Pastmaster walked out of City hall and was apprehended
by the Enforcers and the SWAT Kats and Naiome.
          "Naiome you saved my life, how could I ever thank you? the SWAT Kats
said, simulaniously.

          "Let me be the third SWAT Kat." Naiome said.
          "Okay." Chance "T-Bone" Furlong said, "But, how'd you do this?"
          "It's a secret! I'll tell you both later!" Naiome "Mari" Furlong
          "Affirmative." Jake "Razor" Clawson replied.
          Naiome looked around at the sight around her, Pastmaster permantly in
jail, Her on the side of the SWAT Kats, The SWAT Kats and Feral, seeming to work
side by side, she took a beautiful red flower, more beautiful than anything else
from her pocket in her flight suit. It was on a slender stem, and had tiny
leaves. The red petals seemed to fade out into a flower shape, becoming
transparent at the ends. A white opal seemed to be in the center, glowing a soft
yellow light. She gave a dangerous smile.
                                                            The End
                                                     N e x t   T i m e :
                                                R a z o r ' s   L a m e n t

          "Jake, get over it!" Chance insisted.
          "I SAID SHUT UP!" Jake roared.
          "Just what happened?" Chance asked. "I'm a little concerned, that's
           "Why don't you just go to Ned's Cafe AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!" Jake
           The sound wave carried all the way into Megakat City. The sound wave
had just enough power to................

  [ Part 3: "Attached Text" ]

(Title: SWAT Kats: A Tribute to Ted Turner)
(Coming After: SWAT Kats: Dark Ages)
(Author: Ryan "Jake "B-ko Daitokuji" Shard" Kelley)
Author's Note. If you like Ted Turner, chances are, you're in the wrong place.
This story features two styles of  human life. One, the new american stereotype
where we all live in houses that not even cockroaches will infest, the other, is
that some places are yuky, some places arn't (Wonder where I got that from?).
each to show difference in where the SWAT Kats are. Compliments and complaints
are cheerfully accepted. Ted Turner is much more than welcomed or invited to
respond to this manuscript, he's cordially invited!

Disclaimer: I am not trying to make anything look bad, I think I gave Ted a
compliment by saying "how nice he is". I am not liable for any emotional
hystarics from any kind of emotion! Sorry.
The past.
The lightning crashed........
"At last! My, um greatest work of, um art!" came a joyous yelp. "Now I can, um
cancel, um shows and, um extract all the, um characters that look, um cute, and
save money to by that, um attractave white, um buffalo!"
The ape walked down the grungy stairs to a room filled with Barney and other
assorted shows.
"Soon, um, you'll all be mine!" the ape said.
                                                    SWAT Kats:
                                            A Tribute to Ted Turner
                                    (The Ultimate Anti-Ted Manuscript!!)
                              Ryan "B-ko "Jake Shard" Daitokuji" Kelley
Act One:
The present.
        "No, no!!" Naiome Furlong wined "You always watch the dumb shows! I
wanna turn! I wanna turn! I wanna turn! I wanna turn! I wanna turn! I wanna
turn! I wanna turn! I wanna turn! I wanna-"
         "SHUTTUP!" Jake roared. "Look, you were fine at first, but now you're
getting in my hair!!"
         "But Misery date has Ted Turner in it! A iky man!" Naiome wined.
         "You wanna watch Scardy Kat?" Jake asked. "That's what else is on. We
only get two channels."
         "Yeah, yeah!" Naiome yelled.
         "Naiome, are you aure you're as old as your brother?" Jake asked.
         "YEAH! He's twenty six!" Naiome chirpped.
         "Where have you been?" Jake asked as Chance came back into the garage.
         "Callie, always messing around." Chance lied.
         "Right." Jake replied.
         "Damn!" Chance hissed under his breath. "Cool! Scardy Kat! Jake, if you
don't mind, I'll join Naiome."
         "Those two really are a lot alike!" Jake muttered.
          The day grew dimmer, all too fast. Around noon, the stars were
visable, and the blue sun had turned a distant cyan that nearly matched the
yellow and green sky. The Eternal night was uppon the SWAT Kat's planet.
          The Klaxton sounded.
          "Yes, Miss Briggs!" Chance said into the two way speaker.
          "There's one of the Pastmaster's time doohikies opening up. I'd feel
safer if you guys checked it out." Callie quarked.
          "We'll be there! Chance replied.
          "But I wanna go too!" Naiome protested.
          "Mabye next time, we shouldn't be gone long." Chance said.
          "T-Bone, DON'T! She's a ditz!" Jake protested.
Act Two:
          Riding through a red and jet black night sky, the SWAT Kats
encountered the odd white vortex. Strangly, it seemed more like it had three
sides to it than anything they'ed ever seen before.
          "What IS that thing, Jake?" T-Bone asked.
          "For once, I don't know." Razor returned.
          Suddenly, everything lost it's color, save one shade of dark grey,
that was seemingly used for shape outlines.
          The night went black. Blackness was everywhere. The SWAT Kats could
feel themselves seeming to be jerked away from some two dimensional plane. They
awoke in a black room. The door was unlocked.
"Where are we, Jake?" T-Bone asked.
"You got me, buddy." Razor said.
They opened a filth covered door. The room on the other side of the door was all
one color, yellow. It had filth all over everything. he room was crudely made
and had a desk that seemed to have some of it's color "bleeding" into the room.
Sitting behind the chiar was an ape. A name plate showed in sloppy letters:


"How cuuuuuuuuuute!" The ape said.
"Razor, what's going on?" T-Bone asked.
"T-Bone, stop asking me that!" Razor demanded.
The ape came closer to to the SWAT Kats.
"Sooooo cute!!" it said.
"Who in the Hell are you?" Razor said, peeling off the overjoyed ape off his
left leg.
"Me, I'm, um Ted Turner! and you're, um cute." Ted said.
"Let me introduce, um you to a few, um of my, um friends, there's, um Barney,
the lovable, um pruple dinosaur, the, um Power Rangers, Andy, um Griffith, Bill,
um, um Clinton (for those of you who don't like the guy, in which I don't care
one way or another!!), um Michael Jakson.... He's my, um idol, and of, um
course, Estaban, um Zea and Tou. All, um from old, um popular shows, or, um at
least were, um, um, um, um popular at one, um time or, um another, like, um
yourself, now part of my, um, um collection. Once a, um week, you'll, um help me
with my, um dead love, um, um life."
"You're crazy!" T-Bone shouted.
"No,  um just, um I want, um you!!" Ted said.
"Ack!" the SWAT Kats said in unison.
"I wanna, um love you, um and kiss, um you with, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um,
um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um, um all my new, um freinds!"
Ted said. Hey, that rymes!

(AUTHOR'S NOTE: pardon me while I get this out of my system: <ugh!> <yuk!>
<Jerk!> <sicko!> (Ted is gross!) <BRIX!!!> <STIX!!!!> <BRIX!!!> (and) <STIX!!!>
(do not) <FIX!!!> (Ted Turner's) <CAKE MIX!!!!> Again, I am not liable for any
emotional damages, or lawsuits against me because you died laughing at my <ugh!>
idol, <barf!> Ted!!)

Act Three:
"No way!" T-Bone said "We're not gonna do that crud! You think us crazy?"
"No, but cute!" Ted said.
"Let's play a nice game of go clean your room. We can all share that helping
time together." Barney said.
"What?!" The SWAT Kats chimed, looking at Barney.
"Then, we can do our homework! Homework is so fun." Barney continued, similing
his stupid face off.
"Hey, you shoulda been around when I was a kitten, if homework is that fun!"
T-Bone said.
"Affirmative." Razor said.
"Great! Let's all go hug and kiss!" Barney said.
"Isn't he wonderful?" Ted said.
"Let's sing a song!" Barney said.
Both he and ted sang "I love lou. You love me. Homosexualiaty! With a hump and a
bump and kiss from me to you, can't you say you hate me too?"
Both the SWAT Kats were stairing in disgust.
"If you ask me, both of you are a little weird." Razor said.
Both SWAT Kats walked into the yellow, filth covered coridors that make up
Turner's Pictres Suck Co.
"GET THEM!" Ted Yelled. "We'll see what happens when you insult my sweet
"Let's all share!" Barney said, stupidly, for Barney says nothing normally.
The SWAT Kats raced through the grimy halls that make up TPS, trying to figure
out some way to get out of this wacky world.
A bunch of weird looking aliens were following the SWAT Kats. Razor fired a
missile at the aliens, but it was sucked up by a time vortex that appeared in
the room.
        The missile flew through the vortex, back to the SWAT Kat's dimension.
Robyn Alexander was getting out of her her. Her new, new, new Robyn Alexander's
Dance Studio was just perfect. A storm came up. Robyn looked up into the sky A
Missile came through the clouds and destroyed Robyn Alexander's Dance Studio.
         Robyn started half smiling half frowning. "Just my luck!" she said.
Act Four:
Leaving the yellow building behind, both of the SWAT Kats were amazed by the
yellow world around them. there were a few black lines that represented a
street, and a few squiggles in the sky that could represent anything. The whole
place was littered with filth. there were shapes vomiting shapes out of their
could be mouthes, shapes contnuly jumpping off tall rectangles, and the Turner
company wasn't in sight.
"Okay, Razor.... Where are we? You've gotta have some clue." T-Bone said.
"I think we somehow ended up in another dimension." Razor said.
a sign read:

Welcome to the Turner Dimension, where Ted Turner gets his way and you're his

"Guess you were right. This place is too stupid. let's get back into Turner's
Cruddy Industries and get the hell outta here!" T-Bone replied.
"But how? Wait, wait. I've got an idea..... uh, jet, appear." Razor said.
Instantly, a crudly made could be jet was in front of them. After a while, the
SWAT Kats were back in the air and over Turner's Crappy Network.
"Uh, Anti- Ted missile, deployed." Razor said. Instantly, they nuked TCN. Soon,
they were over Turner's Barfing Servace.
"Anti- Ted Missile!" Soon, TBS was destroyed.
"This is fun, T-Bone!" Razor squealed. "Anti- Ted Missile!!" Razor then
destroyed Turner's Nudity Trap (TNT).
"Let's do that again!" Razor said. another missile connected with Turner's
Pooping System (TPS), only the missile bounced off the Turner's Pretty Stupid
(TPS) building.
The SWAT Kats found themselves on the ground again.
"Wha?" T-Bone quarked. "What now?"
"Sorry to disturb you now, but you can't use anti-Ted Missiles on Turner's
Prostitute Servace (TPS). You have to use the decancelation beam. I know where
to get it! Follow me!" said a human with a big head seemed to be made of
straight lines, a big neck with large addan's apple, a heavily starched shirt
and heavily starched shirt and pants.
"Yeah, but who are you?" Razor asked.
"I am Ned, your loving accountant. A spokesperson of the SWAT Kats. You are the
SWAT Kats, aren't you?" Ned said.
"Yeah?" Razor replied.
"Then let's go." Ned said. After a while, they had gotthn the beam and were back
at Turner's Prodictions Suck (TPS).
"Oh! Just a minute!" Razor said.
When things were organized, the SWAT Kats and Ned fired the beam. Turner's
Probably Senile (TPS) came crashing down. Ted Turner, the ape (Insult to the
ape! Terrably sorry apes, about this insult!) was left standing. He was
despratly clinging onto Barney.

"Oh, um Barney! I love, um you! Please don't, um die!" Ted said.
"Let's......... wash.......... th-....... the............ c.. a.. r......"
Barney said, as the last bit of life  drained out of his body. (Okay, stop
"Um why?" Ted said.
"Oh, Ted, look this way!" Razor said.
Ted looked at Razor, screamed, and died.
Ted's dead head became red instead of going to bed!!!
"Whada you do?" T-Bone asked.
"Well, I figured that the only one that could kill Ted, was Ted himself. I just
showed him a picture of himself!" Razor said with a grin.
"Yuck! Put that thing down, Razor! It's nasty!" T-Bone said.
Act Five:
       The SWAT Kats found themselves back home. Ned and Naiome were beside
       "Wow! Whose this weird looking kat?" Naiome said.
       "In Ned, your loving accountant! Spokesperson of the SWAT Kats!" Ned
       "No way! I'm one of them too!!" Naiome smiled.
       "Hey, Ned whadda ya say? Wanna becone an honnarary member?" Razor asked.
       "I'd be honnored!" Ned said.
                                            There's a moral to this:
                                             In the words of Ned:
                                    Ned your loving accountant says:   

                 Put SWAT Kats back in production and back on the air!
Author's note: As a rule, my "tributes" are usually shorter than my real
stories, so it's ended here. Tell me what you think! and Ted Turner, PLEASE TELL
ME WHAT YOU THINK!! I need your E-Mail address to send computer virusses to!

All this is null and void if Ted Turner does what Ned asks. Until then, this
"tribute" is all true!
                                                  N e x t   T i m e :
                                              SWAT Kats: Dark Ages

FREINDSHIP?" Naiome yelled.
         "Sorry, but she's so wonderful. Pure passion!" Razor replied.
         "Then why don't I find her attractave?" Naiome asked.
         "You're a girl." Razor replied..............

        Chance tried to help Razor. "Hey, at least Naiome has-"
        "I SAID FORGET IT!" Razor said.
        "Sorry." Chance said. "Ill... uh just join Naiome."
        Razor sat, stairing at the table with the phone on it. A tear ran down
his cheek. The phone rang...........

          "Razor, I've got only four words to say to you. Consider our
partnership *DISSOLVED*!" T-Bone said, as he walked out of the castle.
          Mari watched him for a moment. Razor got up. "Well, FINE! Don't come
back here again!" he shouted. Naiome dropped her flowers. She was too

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