Original SWAT Kats Story

Kats With Brains

By Professor Isaac Hackle

  • 1 Chapter
  • 622 Words

A spoof of “Kats In Black” (no longer available) by Jake Clawson. The Kats With Brains go around and rid the world of lamers, the politically incorrect, and violent Republicans.

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Author's Notes:

Kats With Brains By P. I. Hackle

Summary: the kats with brains go around and rid the world of lamers, the politically incorrect, and violent republicans

“Help! I can’t get my web page to work!” a frustrated 12 year old screamed as he kept trying to get Microkat Internet Exploder to upload to his account. The kats with brains pass him by. Pulling outside a cybercafe, the kat began to scream:

“Yo! I’m a wannabe hacker, can anyone help me?”

Vlad replied: “Yeah, we can help you. Help you die.” Vlad pulled out a gun and shot the lamer. After making sure he was really dead, Jake pulled out some id: Barry Clawson. Go fig.

The kats with brains then decided to go and get some dinner, so they went to the nearest Veggie Burger World and sat down to order. Outside, a kat who didn’t have the decency to respect others for their choices was throwing raw ground beef at the window. Nick, Vlad’s partner got up to handle this one.

“Hey, mate, stop doing that.”

“Fuck you, you’re just a wussy bovine lover with a fucked up accent.”

It was bad enough to murder a cow just to throw its remains at an innocent restaurant, but to put down a kat because he had a different origin was too much for Nick to handle. He got out his personal cattle prod and started zapping at the vandal.

“Ow! Stop it, I’m calling the cops.”

“The cops are nothing compared to the Kats With Brains.”

Nick continued to prod the kat until she fell on the ground. He got out her wallet, pocketed the cash contents, and got out her driver’s license: Brenda Lyons. Nick got a shiver and went back in to finish his meal.

After the meal was done, the Kats With Brains got a page from their leader: Someone was shooting up a gay-rights protest downtown.

“Let’s go!” the said and drove to the location of the incident.

At the protest, a kat decked out in red, white, and blue, and with enough crack in his bloodstream to make the rest of the city high was shooting up the crowd: “You faggots, you passed the brady bill, you want us to think you’re normal, well you’re just a bunch of FUCKING FREAKS!!!!”

The Kats With Brains decided violence was not the answer, but instead they grabbed the overly-armed nut and drug him over to a computer, where they went online and loaded up a gay porn site, making him watch a movie of two he-kats kissing each other over and over until he pulled the gun to his own head and shot himself.

“Gee,” said Vlad. “I guess he wasn’t open-minded enough to see that love is everywhere in the world, and that if we all just respected each other, we wouldn’t have all of our problems.”

“Yeah,” said Nick. “But it’s one less guy to worry about.”

“Good point. Let’s see what his name was so we can put it on our list of kats we’ve saved the world from.”

“I don’t want to touch that thing.”

“Fine, I will.” Vlad got out the dead kat’s wallet and looked: Jacob Nathaniel Clawson. He found some other cards in there, too: President of the SwatKats Fan Club, NRA member, Rush Limbaugh Admirers society. “It’s a good thing we got him when we did.”

“Yeah, who knows what kind of damage this guy could have caused.”

“Let’s go.”

The end?


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