Forbidden Swatkats

SCENE ZERO

[The spotlight comes up on Salmoneus, who is leaning against a
Grecian column and chatting with a centaur. He leaps up to address
the audience.]

Salmoneus: 	Greetings. Tonight we present to you a parody. Its tune
is stolen from a Stephen Sondheim musical, whose plot was stolen from
the works of T. Maccius Plautus, who stole everything he wrote from
the Greek Menander. I shall be assuming the Nathan Lane role, which
used to be the Zero Mostel role. [The orchestra starts up:] So,
without further  ado, we now present,

      [Singing:]
      Something hysteric, something historic;
      Something for ev'ryone -- a parody tonight!
      [Indicates centaur and column:]
      Something that's Deric, something that's Doric; 
      Something for ev'ryone -- a parody tonight!
      No brilliant thoughts! No deathless prose!
      No pix of Xena not wearing clothes!
      Something exciting, something with fighting;
      Folks catching crossbow bolts in flight!  
      Poetry tomorrow -- parody tonight!

      [Enter Gabrielle, Xena.]  

      Gabrielle [holding up fish]: Something allusive,
      Xena [leaping to center stage]: Something obtrusive,
      Both: Something for ev'ryone -- a parody tonight!
      Xena: Something dramatic, 
      Gab: Something with haddock;
      Both: Something for ev'ryone -- a parody tonight!
      Gab: No ancient scrolls! No slabs of clay!
      No cryptic texts in Linear A!
      Many a charmer --
      Xena: Men wearing armor;
      Most of them aren't all that bright.
      Polish up your chakram -- parody tonight!

      Gab: Something that's Sapphic
      Xena: (Nothing too graphic);
      Both: Something for ev'ryone -- a parody tonight!
      Sal: Something that's hearty,
      Gab: Something that's bard-y;
      All: Something for ev'rybardy -- parody tonight!

      All: Open up the curtain -- parody tonight!

      [Curtain rises, revealing rest of the parody cast.]

      Aristophanes: Something satiric,
      Sappho: Something that's lyric;
      Both: Something for ev'ryone -- a parody tonight!
      Barbarian warriors: Something that's vulgar,
      Women's chorus: Something that's Bulgar;
      Both: Something for ev'ryone - a parody tonight!
      Euripides: No royal curse!
      Homer: No Trojan horse!
      < Sondheim: That's in the song's real lyrics.>
      < Lollius: Of course. >
      Ephiny: Ancient obstetrics,
      Argo: Non-stupid pet tricks;
      Icus: Maybe an ancient Israelite?
      Menelaus: Dorians and Thracians --
      Xena: Flammable potations --
      Melosa: Amazons and centaurs --
      Gab: Protegees and mentors --
      Sal: Socrates, Hippocrates --
      Spartacus: Illyrians --
      Titan: Hyperions --
      Sal: Refrains --
      Prometheus: Chains --
      A. Quinn: Zeus --
      Autolycus: Bruce --
      Sal: Lasses, passes --
      Xena: Brasses --
      Gab: Basses -- 
      All [forming a kickline]: No Latin words! No higher math!
      No college hijinks! (That one's by Cath.)
      Bucking tradition, buck-naked fishin',
      Maybe a Hong Kong Kung Fooey fight!
      Poetry tomorrow . . . parody tonight!

SCENE ONE

{We see CHANCE covered with leather and stuff, and has a big thick
plastic tail.  He is poorly being `flown' around the stage by overly
visible invisible wires.  JAKE is on a rooftop calling to him}

JAKE:	CHANCE!

{REVISED EDITION}{CHANCE lands next to JAKE}

CHANCE:	Yo!

JAKE:		What's up with all that?

CHANCE:		Don't you remember?  I'm a gargoyle now.

JAKE:		Ummm...no.

CHANCE:		Sure you do.  When they found those weird statues in the
museum.

JAKE:		Oh yeah.  Damn, I've been out of it for a while.

{GARGOYLES start coming in, we see the wiring holding them up, they
all crash into the 'building' that JAKE and CHANCE are sitting on the
roof of}

CHANCE:		They're still practicing.  Understudies.  Go figure.

JAKE:		Yeah.  Oh, here comes a she-kat screaming insanely and
holding a glowing pendant.

CHANCE:		That's Abi, your wife.  Why can't you remember anything?

JAKE:		Do you know how many different backgrounds and stuff I
have?  I can't keep them all straight.

CHANCE:		That makes sense.  No, she's gonna tell you that because
you're a son of El Salvador, you have to take a sword and behead some
villain

JAKE:		No way.

CHANCE:		Yep.  Then you're gonna whine and moan and go anyways,
where you'll be horribly wounded, then come back and kill the guy
because you're immortal.

JAKE:		WHAT?

CHANCE:		Sorry, now I'm getting your backgrounds mixed up.
Anyways, after you kill him, you'll have to flee to Scotland, because
you have ties there or something, even 	though 	according to this
storyline you're polish, and you'll meet up with this immortal dog
and this big rabbit guy who pretends to be a rabbi, even though
anyone who's read watership downs will know the truth.

JAKE:		This is too weird.

ABI:		JAKE!  Thank heavens I found you!  Zorak is coming to
kill you and take your 	sword, and you'll have to behead him within 8
seconds of injuring him, or he'll kill us all

JAKE:		Again?  But I don't want to.

CHANCE:		Told you.

{Zorak lands, fires at JAKE, hits him in the legs}

JAKE:		But I don't want to have to kill him.  I just want to
know what's going on.

{JAKE falls through a big open pit and lands in a room that's all
puce}

SCENE TWO

JAKE:		Gee.  A puce room.  How disgusting.  And a she-kat here
who looks like she wants to kill me.  I'm having a really bad day,
aren't I?

GIRL:		Hi.  I'm Naiomi, your enemy/biggest admirer/u name it I
am it.  And chance is having a much worse day-he's in his weekly bang
session with the pastmaster.

JAKE:		WHAT?!

GIRL:		Yeah, in return for being spared from all the takes on
your life, the Pastmaster gets to rape chance every week for
eternity.

JAKE:		That's nasty.

GIRL:		That's homophobic and not nice.  Begone from here, or
you'll get a massive headache and become the most whiny sod on the
face of the planet.

JAKE:		OWWWWWWW!  My
heeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaddddddddddddddddd.
Maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaakkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkke it
stooooooooooooooooooooooooooop.

{impressive lights and such as Jake regresses to being a baby}

SCENE THREE

{JAKE is still a baby, but Rikki and her friend that no one can
remember her name are standing over him, as is chance.}

CHANCE:		Dammit.  Now I'm going to actually have to do some work
around here.

RIKKI:		Eeeeew.  He smells bad

FRIEND:		I'm not changing his diapers.

RIKKI:		Sorry, I got some work to do being mayor's secretary and
all.

CHANCE:		You're too busy.  Why don't you have time for  a
relationship anymore?

RIKKI:		Because then I'd have to retire from politics , and my
college degree doesn't give me the know-how to do anything else.

{JAKE comes back to being a grownup}

JAKE:		Dammit!  And I thought I was whiny...what's that smell?
::looks down:: Oh SHIT!

SCENE FOUR

{We are inside a library.  JADEKAT and NICKAT are there, plotting}

JADEKAT:	So let me get it straight: This hackle guy is pissed off
because you really 		slammed one of 	his stories in something you
did, so your plan is to release evil 		parodies of swatkats fan
fictions upon the world, crushing him in his own anger 		and
disgust?

NICKAT:		Exactly.  And I even brought along someone to help us.

{Enter STRIKAT, who talks with a very thick, overly heavy austrian
accent}

STRIKAT:	Ja, I am ready to take on this monster.

JADEKAT:	Why are you talking like that when you're from Virginia?

STRIKAT:	Because I am being controlled by my odder
personality-Ahnuld Schwartzenlitter.

NICKAT:	Tell them what you do, Ahnuld

STRIKAT:	My job is to destroy Katareena Perkins and her entire
self-respect by forcing her 		to do bad action scenes with me
after I become a man.  She is then subject to 		doing
3742374905790 love scenes in every movie with me.

JADEKAT:	That's Disgusting!

NICKAT:		I know.

{An alarm clock goes off}

NICKAT:		What's that for?

JADEKAT:	Oh, it's time for Felina to come in and have sex with
everyone.

NICKAT:		WHAT????

JADEKAT:	yeah, she really gets around.  She almost has as many
lovers as Jake has 
		different background plots.

NICKAT:		This is confusing.

JADEKAT:	Tell me about it.

{The three leave, Felina comes in wearing skimpy, very tight and
revealing clothing}
{REVISED EDITION}
SCENE FOUR

{Felina lies down on a bed that has appeared out of nowhere.  She's
wearing something highly skimpy, and we see a line of kats lined up
coming to the room that felina is in.  There's a person at the door.}

GUY:	See the amazing Felina Feral, she-kat of the stars, lover of
lovers, who has managed to have a relationship with everyone in the
swatkats universe, except mutilor himself!

{the kats outside ooh and ah}

GUY:	The next show will be in 15 minutes.  The list for the
display this time is: Chance Furlong, Callie Briggs, David Steele,
Jake Clawson, Turmoil, and many many more.  Suprises galore!
Available now.

{the kats start crowding and mugging this guy for tickets, the
enforcers eventually come in and restrain them}

KAT #6:	Hey!  What a rip-off!  I never got to see her!

ENFORCER:	That's okay, she'll be visiting everyone's home
personally after this story's over.

KAT #6:	Kewl!

SCENE FIVE

{A fox enters}

FOX:	Now, where did I put that rope?  I got a mayor to kidnap.  Oh
wait, wrong series......

SCENE SIX

FELINA:	Callie?

CALLIE:	Yes, honey?

FELINA:	Has your family found out about us?

CALLIE:	Mmmm...no.  It's like Ellen, I've got to wait until the
37246th round to announce it, 			then I'll make a big fuss
before saying it's true to them.

FELINA:	Just checking.  You know, we really should take this to the
next level.

CALLIE:	you mean...

FELINA:	Yes!  We need to go on a road trip.

CALLIE:	WHAT???  No, I hate driving, that's why I intentionally crash
all my cars.

FELINA:	Yes, it'll be fun.  And we can play games and not have to
worry about cleaning up the 			mess.

CALLIE:	Ugh.  It is a pain to clean up after some of those...I
thought that's why we got involved 	with the upper-class who do this
kind of stuff

FELINA:	When was the last time we got invited to a party?

CALLIE:	I hate it when you're right.

{cut to daytime, they load up with everything imaginable crammed into
callie's car}

FELINA:	Ready honey?

CALLIE:	Yep.

{they start driving}

FELINA:	Oh dammit!  I forgot the sunscreen.

CALLIE:	Well, I have my own ways of taking care of sunburn.

FELINA:	Nevermind.

{they pull up to a motel.}

CALLIE:	Hi.  One room, don't bother to clean it up
{REVISED EDITION}
GUY:		Wasn't planning on it.  Here's your key

CALLIE:	Thank you.

{they enter the room}

FELINA:	Honey, can we play punishment poker?

CALLIE:	Why, sure.  What do you want the ranks to go?

FELINA:	Well, minimal would be #&@7@&#^@*$@*$^@*&$^)@&, next would be 
	#&*$^@#(%(@*^!($)@!, and the ultimate would be
@#$U@$()*!&$%(*&@#%*()#&^*(&!*)#%^*(#%&!*(#&$%#*(%&*(#%&*(#&%(@

CALLIE:	Deal.

{the two play for a while, FELINA ends up getting all the poker
chips.}

FELINA:	HA!  Get ready for pain!

{we get to the next day.  Callie's having trouble walking}

FELINA:	Having a good time?

CALLIE:	You had to pick the big ones, didn't you?

FELINA:	Of course.  What else would I use?

(dj'll kill me if I go farther...let's just go to)

SCENE SEVEN

JAKE:		Oh Callie, my loving wife, what shall we do tonight?

CALLIE:		Oh Jakey-poo, I don't know.  But I'm glad we're married.

JAKE:		Yes, Callie my dear, but you look like you are in extreme
pain, what's wrong?

CALLIE:		Felina forgot to unlock me from the last scene-it HURTS
with these big things in me

JAKE:		What big things?

CALLIE:		Things your virgin ears shouldn't hear.

JAKE:		Oh my love, I will pick the lock

CALLIE:		My love, that would be too hard to do

JAKE:		Why?

CALLIE:		The locks are very small

JAKE:		That's OK, I'll just blast them open.

CALLIE:		What a good idea.

{Jake fires a laser at callie, it blows a hole straight through her}

JAKE:		WHAT HAVE I DONE?

KUNI:		STUPID!!!!  YOU"RE SO STUPID!!!

JAKE:		WHAT?

BYSTANDER:	OH MY GOD!  THEY KILLED CALLIE!  YOU BASTARD!

SCENE EIGHT

AMANDA:		Hey Viper, let's go do laundry.

VIPER:		Yessssssss my dearssssssssssss.

{they get on the machines (which are running)}
{REVISED EDITION}
AMANDA:		I like the motions, don't you, honey?

VIPER:		Yessssssssssss.

{they start getting into it a little too much, and hit the water
intake valve up too high, the machine starts to flood.}

AMANDA:		mmmmmph.

VIPER:		mmmmmphmmphpmhpmh

AMANDA:		AAAA!  How am I gonna get out of here?  These shoes are
suede!  What shall I do?

VIPER:		I'llssssss carrysssss yousssss outsssss.

AMANDA:		Can we continue making out afterwards?

VIPER:		Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

SCENE NINE:

{REVISED EDITION}
{We see a horse race track.  There are horses, all of them look
physically (they are) what their names describe.}

ANNOUNCER-GUY:	Lane 1: Cigar
			Lane 2: SeaworthyDelight
			Lane 3: Twinkie
			Lane 4: Counterman
			Lane 5: Zippo

			And they're off!  Cigar takes lead, with zippo and
twinkie following close behind, yes twinkie is gaining round in
zippo, but the real trick is on cigar, as zippo just blew his top,
and cigar got ignited and burnt to ashes!  Yes, he's
been incinerated!

BYSTANDER:		Oh my god!  They killed cigar!  You Bastard!

ANNOUNCER-GUY:	And now counterman is catching up...Zippo in the lead
followed by Twinkie, Counterman, and SeaworthyDelight.  It's neck and
neck...YES!  It's a fotofinish, and the winner is:
			{REVISED EDITION} (HA!)  
SCENE TEN

FELINA:		Something was funny

CALLIE:		Something was punny

CHANCE:		Something was parodied tonight.

JAKE:		I got some work done

STEELE:		I got my life done

ALL:		We got a quick show finished tonight.

NICKAT:	I'm killing Ahnuld

MICKEY:	I'm feeling like Donald

ALL:		We're gonna leave you with a parody tonight.
		Nothing with love
		Nothing with hate
		And there is no ending of course
		Goodness and Badness

SONDHEIM:	Your plagarism causes my madness.

ALL:		Something for everyone
		A Parody Tonight!

SALMONEUS:	Thank you, goodnight!

Up next:

History of A Swatkat (parts 2,3,4)
Forbidden Swatkats Return
I of the Storm (yeah, right, like I'll ever really get around to
doing this)
???

comments, hate mail, spam go to:    pihackle@hotmail.com

------------------------------------------------------------------
"People keep getting mad when I don't die."

	--Jerry Garcia
-----------------------------------------------------------------