Original SWAT Kats Story

Barry Gordon gets Laryngitis

By Professor Isaac Hackle

  • 3 Chapters
  • 8,584 Words

“TMNT/Smurfs/Snorks/etc” Crossover. The Pastmaster casts a wierd spell, and a bunch of cartoon characters with strangely similar voices get to meet up.

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Author's Notes:

Barry Gordon Gets A Trachaeotomy By P. I. Hackle

Intro Garbage (skippable, yet still interesting):

Yes, it’s finally time. I am proudly concluding the Barry Gordon Trilogy. This will be the last Barry Gordon story I ever do. Yep. Of course, that means that now I get to start on Charlie Adler. Heh heh heh. Kidding. Meanwhile, this is it, the final story. It’s being done in scripted form, because I think that it’s the only way to really get what I want to happen to be done so, and keep up with the pace I want. So, read, enjoy, and try to get all the in-jokes. These are all takes of shows on American TV (at least where I live anyways), and some of the shows are fairly new, so try to keep up.

Thanks go to: –All the creators of, people working on, the tv stations/cable networks carrying, and the lawyers representing the various shows I’m slamming for playing your part in contributing to the downfall of American society, polluting our brains, and not suing me for doing this

–DJ Clawson for posting these on the archive

–The people who read my stories

–The people who read AND LIKE my stories

–Someone (I think) for some various reason

-John Lubbers for contributing ideas

As always, the ‘what I’m doing next’ plugs will be at the bottom, as well as this time including a list of already-done stories. Just for the heck of it. All author comments are in parenthases, and all stage-type directions are in design brackets–{ and }.

Chapter 3

Scene 0

{we see a group of various cartoon characters walk across the stage and settle down in a corner, which is mostly closed off. This group is made of: JAKE CLAWSON aka RAZOR, DONATELLO, BRAINY SMURF, INKY GHOST, THE NESTLE QUICK BUNNY, and JUNIOR WENTWORTH. Once they are settled in, the NARRATOR walks halfway across the stage, the lights go out, and the spotlight is on him.}

(me here. The abbreviations/shortened name forms for the characters (b/c I’m too lazy to type them out are:

JAKE/RAZ: Jake/Razor DON: Donatello BSM: Brainy Smurf (although this just told us who the perverts are) ING: Inky Ghost NQB: Nestle Quick Bunny JRW: Jr. Wentworth

although these are obvious, they’re still necessary)

NARRATOR: We begin in a cell. Six cartoon characters have been abducted from their homes. It is dark, and no one knows why they are in the situation they are in. The villain, tED tURNER, has decided to put these demons of his past to rest for the final time, and prepares to put them through their final challenge. {turns to the GROUP} Smile!

Scene 1

{the spotlight goes out, and everyone starts to jab, kick, and elbow each other, since they are so packed in they can hardly move}

JAKE: I wonder what we’re doing here

DON: Me too. Ouch. What just got shoved up my shell?

NQB: Hey! Give me back my straw. And when do I get a glass of Quick?

BSM: Will someone shut him up?

ING: I have a bad feeling about this. Every time I’m stuck with all of you, My voice goes.

JAKE: Gee, for once, Mr. Silver Spoon is at a loss for words.

JRW: {knocks from inside DON’s shell}

DON: Hey! Get out of there!

JRW: {from inside shell} I can’t. I’m stuck.

DON: I hate doing this. {pulls out garage-door type opener, pushes button. His shell flips open}

JRW: Thanks. It’s gross under th–{he is cut off as don closes his shell, and gets a leg under JRW}

DON: Kick the pervert!!! {kicks JRW about 20 ft. into the air}

JAKE: Hmm. He seems to be going faster than the 9.8 metres per second that accelleration due to Gravity would allow for.

BSM: I totally agree. It seems we are stuck in a world where physics don’t work.

{there is a loud roar as tED enters}

tED: I am sick of dealing with you and all of your anally obsessive fans. I am taking you out once and for all. We’ll see how you work in OTHER tv programs, and if you survive, you MIGHT get put into daily rotation on Cartoon Network.

{the group mutters and whispers amongst themselves}

JAKE: What’s the catch?

tED: You haven’t seen the show’s I’m sending you through. {chuckles inwardly and evily} G’Bye

{the entire GROUP teleports away in a poorly done animated style.}


NQB AS ANNOUNCER: And welcome back to America’s Stupidest Home Videos that people without any kind of intelligence whatsoever will laugh at, and since that’s how most of the damn country is they have kept us on the air for 7 years. And here’s your host, Jake Clawson!!!

JAKE: Hi. Welcome Back. Hey, I got a joke for you: Why did the chicken get into bed with me? Oh, wait, can’t say that one here. But anyways, here’s some videos people sent into us featuring farm animals.

{we cut to a video, we see a large bed, something that sounds like Jake moaning loudly, and we see a cow’s tail coming out of the side of the bed. We immediately cut back to Jake}

JAKE: {blushes a LARGE amount} Uh….That shouldn’t have been in there. And now a word from our sponsors.

NQB AS ANNOUNCER: Drink Nestle Quick!!!

{we see static for a brief second}


{We see a visual: Dr. Ghost, Professional Therapist}

ING: Oh, no! I’m a poorly done computer animation that never moves, just jiggles.

JRW: Strange. I feel the need to go see a shrink who has no real psychological training.

{we cut to the office of Dr. Ghost}

ING: So, tell me, tell me. What is your problem?

JRW: It’s odd. I have this strange superiority conflict with myself.

{we cut to the receptionist’s (DON’s) office, where BSM is talking to him}

BSM: Hey-Look out the window.

DON: What?

BSM: Did you see that? There’s a bird flying around. And it’s just going in circles around the building over there.

DON: Where’s that?

BSM: Over the CNN building.

{tED barges in}

tED: HEY! That’s not in the script! {he lightning bolts the bit}


NQB: Nestle Quick presents the show that’s on Comedy Central, yet no one finds it funny, Make Me Puke!!!!! Today’s puke-makers are Brainy Smurf, Donatello, and Inky Ghost. And now, here’s your host: Jake Clawson!!!

{JAKE enters and waves to the crowd}

JAKE: Thank you, NQB. Who’s our first guest?

NQB: Our first guest is from Snorkland, and is the last of the southern belles-Junior Wentworth

JAKE: Welcome. OK. Here’s how it works: for every second you don’t puke tED gives up a dollar. Got it?

JRW: Got it.

JAKE: Right. Brainy smurf: Make Jr. Wentworth Puke.

BSM: Well, I had an interesting day earlier. My friend, Smurfette recently had digestive problems, and so she went to the hospital.

{A couple of audience members start to puke, Junior plays brave}

BSM: Well, they decided to make her drink a metallic solution, I think it was barium, and she had to drink two glasses of this stuff that was like liquid chalk or something

{more audience members throw up, Junior turns slightly green}

BSM: Then, they pushed on her stomach to speed the stuff through, and took X-Ray pictures every 15 minutes, while SHE was quesy. After that, they let her go, but she had to pass the barium. The interesting thing is that when Barium leaves your system, it looks the same chalky-white color as it did when you swallowed.

{the entire audience is virtually unable to stop regurgitation, Junior is now dark green.}

BSM: Spam and Chocolate Chip cookie?

{Junior loses it, covers brainy in his stomach’s contents.}

JAKE: Congradulations, you made it 42 seconds without puking.



SINGERS (various GROUP members): Inky, Inky, ooh. Where are you? We got to catch a villain. Come on Inky, ooh. We need you. It’s time for another cheesy hour.

{title flashes on screen: Inky, OOH! Where are you?}

{cut to the outside of an old, dilapidated house, where INKY, BRAINY SMURF, JR. WENTWORTH, and DONATELLO are standing there}

BSM: OK, Donatello and Inky, go inside and see if you can find some clues.

ING: Us?

BSM: I’ll give you a goolie snack if you do

ING: Goolie snacks? You bet! {Inky steals the box of goolie snacks and goes inside the house}

{we cut to the inside of the house a few minutes later.}

ING: {whining} Don, I’m scared

DON: Relax, there’s no such things as big evil dustbunnies that live under the couch

{they approach a couch, but something evil is afoot}


ING: I can’t tell you-it’s going to be used as another bit.



{cut to a room where the walls are covered with toys, tupperware, and a bunch of other stuff, it’s all been painted gray}

JAKE: Oh, hi. Jake Clawson here on the Satellite of Love. You know, it’s not so bad up here.

DON (as robot): Yeah. We can do lots of stuff………like……hey jake, what can we do up here?

JAKE: Oh, lots of things. {a red light goes off on a panel on the desk} But first, we’re being paged.

{cut to a sinister-looking lab underground}

tED: Oh, hello Flakey. Time for my experiment in mind control. You see, that’s why you’re up there. You watch bad movies, and I record what your brain does.

JAKE: That’s stupid, why would you need to do that?


JAKE: That’s the most hateful thing I have ever heard. It’s also a bad takeoff of a show on another network.

tED: Thank you. Anyways, the most recent things I’ve come across are these nice SwatKats fanfictions that fall under the ‘Mary Sue’ genre. At great personal expense, I’ve had these converted into feature length animated movies. With your Mary Sue movie, we also begin the series of Farm Life, with a nice film called Combine Safety. Enjoy. {tED pushes a button}

{cut to the satellite, lights are flashing everywhere, the ship is rocking, swinging, and baying out of control, and JAKE and DON are jumping all around}

JAKE and DON: WE GOT MOVIE SIGN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Announcer: It’s time for ready…Set…Shtup! And here’s your host, tED tURNER

tED: Hi, and welcome to Ready…Set…Shtup. On tonight’s show, we have on one side, Jake Clawson and Inky Ghost. On the other side, we have Donatello and the Nestle Quick Bunny. Now, boys, the goal in this game is to get our contestants to have sex with both of you. Let’s bring ’em out: Junior Wentworth and Brainy Smurf!

{all 6 in the group look at each other in pure fear}


{Jake is now in SK costume, henceforth Razor. Inky, Don, Razor, and Brainy are lined up and standing net to each other on the base of a mountain}

Razor: Cool! We’re high-end computer animation made to look like construction paper. That’s bad-ass!

BSM: Being made of construction paper is NOT bad-ass

RAZ: Whatever!

BSM: Shut up!

RAZ: I don’t have to take that kind of shit from a smurf!

BSM: You’re such a dumb fuck Razor that when you walk down the street people say “GODDAMIT! That kat’s a BIG DUMB FUCK!”

DON: Dudes, this is pretty fucked up right here.

{the ground rumbles}

BSM: What’s that?


{they all start running, chased by the rolls of snow. Inky lags behind, and is swept away and buried}



{Jr. Wentworth and the NQB are sitting on a couch, watching the end of scene 8}

JRW & NQB: Huh-huh, Huh-huh, Huh-huh, Huh-huh, Huh-huh, Huh-huh, Huh-huh, Huh-huh.

JRW: That sucked.

NQB: Yeah. I want some Quick!

{JRW smacks NQB}

JRW: Shut up dillhole

JRW &NQB: Huh-huh, Huh-huh, Huh-huh, Huh-huh, Huh-huh, Huh-huh, Huh-huh, Huh-huh,


{cut to the set of a game show, Razor is Jake again, Don, NQB, and Jake are there as contestants.}

tED: And welcome to Win tED tURNER’s Money!

JAKE: Can we shoot you now?

tED: No, but I have $5000 of MY MONEY on the line

DON: Good, we can get a plane ticket home.

TED: No, you’re still mine to control. You will keep going through TV shows until the author gets bored or runs out of ideas.

NQB: I want some Quick!

TED: Will someone PLEASE shut him up?

DON: No.

tED: I hate you.


ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to Brainy and Pals

JAKE: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BSM: Hey Kids! Who’s your biggest playtime pal?

NQB, JRW, ING: You are, Brainy!

BSM: That’s right! Who wants to sing a little song with me?


JAKE: Can I have an insulin shot first?

BSM: This song was written by a good friend of mine, Mr. Fred Huggins, and it’s called ‘Water Is Wet.’


JAKE: Didn’t we just sing this about five minutes ago?

{BSM starts singing on his own, the others join in as it goes on, except for JAKE}

Water is wet Water is wet How much wetter can water get? I don’t know, at least not yet Oh water is wet.

JAKE: Thank goodness he’s stopping

BSM: That was very good, now sing along at home boys and girls for the next verse

JAKE: NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Water is wet Water is wet Wetter than an onion or a Chia Pet How wet is it? Let’s take a bet Oh water water water water water water water water water water water is wet.

JAKE: That’s the real end. He won’t keep going.

BSM: Now let’s do another song by Mr. Huggins, it’s called I Like You.

{Same singing arangement}

I like you Yes I do And I know you like me too More than your favorite shoe Oh I like you

{JAKE starts screaming in pain}

Oh I like you And it’s true Because you also like me too It’s so much fun for me and you Oh I really really really really really really really really really really really really like you!


Narrator: Next on Biography, tED tURNER, Man of the decade (well, at least next to Bill Gates anyways, or at least on Satan’s poll list) tED is a great media giant, who is also a very nice and charitable man.

JAKE: No he’s not, he’s holding us hostage, the big jerk

Narrator: We’ll be right back…


{everyone is zapped back to the original room from scene one. They are all screaming at each other, tED, and whoever else at the top of their lungs}

tED: The author just realized how much hand-editing this one’s gonna take, so we’re rapping it up now.

{everyone cheers, and gets horse}

tED: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I have given your vocal backing a huge problem- overstressed vocal cords plus years of breathing in secondhand smoke! I have finally crushed Barry Gordon once and for all!

{All of a sudden, Barry shows up}


BARRY: {hoarse, barely able to talk} We meet for the last time, tURNER. There can be only one.

{tED and BARRY fight, in the end, BARRY beheads tED}

BARRY: Evil has been demolished. Unfortunately, my throat cancer is forcing me to have my larynx removed.

JAKE: But what about us?

BARRY: You will either be put through my new voicebox, or you will have your voices done by Anthony Rapp or Charlie Adler. Now leave me alone.

JAKE: You know, I learned something today. Life isn’t about bad tv or killing tED. It’s about surviving and being able to tell people one very important thing.

BSM: Yeah, Up yours!

JAKE: NO, NOT UP YOURS YOU DUMB FUCK! It’s about telling people how much better you are than them, since you survived great evils, and got where you are at the expense of others.


Coming up next:

-Forbidden SwatKats -RugKats/Furria -Kent -Kat Dwarf -I of the Storm

Already done: -Planet of the Cheetah People -Mixed Species -Ace of Kats

From the Barry Gordon series: -Barry Gordon Gets Laryngitis -Barry Gordon Gets A Vocal Cyst

From the SWATKats: The Gathering series: -Parts 1, 2, 5, 6, and 7

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“There he’ll make the silence listen to the dreams behind the voice And show his minstrel hamlet daddy that there only was one choice.” –Harry Chapin


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