Original SWAT Kats Story

Barry Gordon gets Laryngitis

By Professor Isaac Hackle

  • 3 Chapters
  • 8,584 Words

“TMNT/Smurfs/Snorks/etc” Crossover. The Pastmaster casts a wierd spell, and a bunch of cartoon characters with strangely similar voices get to meet up.

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Author's Notes:

Barry Gordon Gets a Vocal Cyst by P. I. Hackle

Like Hollywood does when it has a success, I’ve decided to make an overly hyped sequel to my semi-successful story “barry gordon gets laryngitis.” If you have any more voices I haven’t put in here, let me know, and they’ll go into the third story in the series (I’m doing a trilogy of these,) Barry Gordon Gets a Tracheotomy.

As per DJ’s orders (as she has total control over everything I do, and if you try and hurt abi in your stories, she’ll kill you), this one’ll have a bit more of a plot.

Thanx everyone who read the original, the review I’ve had of the draft is very positive!

Yasmine is an RPG villain from SWATKats. Get info. at strike’s page.

This story is to Barry Gordon himself for not suing me over defamation of character.

Chapter 2

———————————————– Prologue: This note was on 7 doors… ———————————————–

I have observed your original confrontation, and it has amused me greatly. In three hours, you and your colleagues, including two newcomers will be put into it.


————————————————- Chapter One: The Reactions ————————————————-

Outside a mushroom house, Brainy Smurf was reading the note.

“hmmmmm. I’ll have to comment on this for the 46465464786276847534974654614534786th version of the Great Works of Brainy Smur———-” trailed off Brainy, as a hole in the ground envoloped him and he fell down multiple kilometers before he landed on his head, in an entrance to a giant maze.

Junior Wentworth the snork was swimming along when he saw the note that was stuck on his door. It angered him because it was an expensive door, and he didn’t like to see it get stabbed up. He quickly scanned the note and replied “I don’t have to do this, I’m rich.” He turned around and bumped into a giant Yasmine, who grrrrrrrred at him and put him in a box which she then rattled around a few times, and deposited it at a second entry to the maze.

Inky ghost was reading Yasmine’s note, and was then eaten by a Yasmine who looks like pacman and says ni ni ni icky icky ptang ptang zoop bang twip tong waka-waka floop! Yas then collapsed in on herself and expanded at the maze entrance #3.

As Donatello read Yasmine’s note, he wondered what it meant. He put it into his computer/automated pizza maker, and it processed the note for a while, and then made him a limburger cheese and stinky underwear pizza. As Donatello went to throw the pizza out, the machine grabbed him, spun him around a few times, and threw him through a portal and into the fourth starting point in the maze.

Clamhead saw the note and fainted {I can’t bring myself to watch Jabberjaw}

The nestle quick bunny (hereby referred to as the nqb) was rudely slurping down his 92nd glass of quick that hour, and a maitre D came up to him.

“would sir like a chocolate?”

“Is it as chocolately as quick?”

“even more so.”

“I’ll take the box!”

the maitre D gave the box to the nqb and ran for his life. The bunny devoured all the contents, and started to blow up like a balloon. The room was splattered with flavored milk, bodily organs, and other various things from inside the bunny’s body when he popped. His head grew a new body, but it was all in the fifth entrance to the maze.

Razor was going on a desert test run with the cyclotron when the storm cloud appeared.

“oh no, not another run in with the pastmaster!”

when the cloud’s black opening became apparent, something similar to the hand of god grabbed razor, placed him in the maze, and struck down the cyclotron so all the people playing the drinking game would have to take an extra drink because razor’s going to have to build a new cyclotron. They were ready for the game to begin.

——————————— Chapter Two: The rules ———————————

A giant maze in a secret location lit up like the 4th of July celebration, and in 6 different locations on the outside, 6 characters were waiting to enter and find out what was happening. A view screen in each of the starting points to the maze turned on.

“Welcome. I trust that you are all comfortable?”

“When my father hears about this-” said Jr. Wentworth.

“SILENCE!!! You damn snorks! It’s always run and tell someone this, or I’ll be a hero and stop that. You are a worhtless being. Yas then gave Jr. A massive electrical shock and went on with her speech.

“You are all here for one purpose: entertainment. The author needs his ego pumped, so he’s brought all of you together again for a sequel. Now, the rules are this: 1. Your first duty is to find a partner. you must have a partner at the finish. 2. The finish is the center of the maze. 3. Parnters and the locations they’re in will be randomly changed by me, in a clear and obvious attempt to disorient and confuse you. 4. I am no longer Yasmine, I am now the loony toony sorceress duchess ferdinanda ponchersca dong fweep ping tow na woop woop wiko wiko pung lung ton bon foo ee kee tee san kow TING fo tu. Isn’t that right, Mr. Flibble?” Yasmine held up a penguin hand puppet. “Yes, it is.” Said the puppet in a very poor attempt at ventriloquism.

Cries of “You’re off your chum! What a looney! I want some quick! She’s insane!, and I’ll have to put this in my next book” were floating up from the startin gpits. Finally, as their captor was about to open the gates to the maze, Donatello piped up.

“We’re not gonna do it!”

“What?” was the reply from everyone, including the sorceress formerly known as yasmine (SFKAY.)

“We demand that you take us home right now!”

“Piss off, turtle. All you care about is ‘let’s go kick shredder’s butt so we can have some disgustin pizzas,’ so it won’t work! The SFKAY then turned Donatello into a giant hamster. Time for the magical gates to open and the fun to begin!

———————————— Chapter Three-In The Maze ————————————

Upon the opening of the gates, each character quickly tried to find their partners. This was an event that ended up with all the characters spinning around, and whoever they bumped into was going to be their partner. A very wobble Razor ran into a very disoriented Donatello. An off-center Inky hit the NQB at full force, and Brainy Smurf broadsided a very jittery Jr. Wentworth. As soon as the partnerships were made, barriers went up to keep the three sets of disoriented and angry characters from forming group alliances.

Our first focus: Razor and Don

“Great. I REALLY don’t need this.” Said Don.

“Neither do I, rodent boy, so what’s the point?”

“Shut up! At least you get to go back to your girlfriend when we’re done. I have to go back to your girlfriend when we’re done. I have to go back to three other guys and a smelly rat.”

“Don’t talk about her.”

As the two kept walking, they entered laser-tag meets that big mountain thing from Nickelodeon Guts, so there was stuff flying all around, and heavy rock music was pouring out of speakers.

“Why shouldn’t we talk about her? Troubles?”

“Yeah, especially when I have to go shopping with her. The shoes are the worst. She’s always ‘Can’t pick which, I’m not a bitch, you can’t commit, you’ve full of shit!!!!!’”

“Whoah! Major bummer,” said Don, trying to relieve and calm down his partner. Razor took a Valium and was OK to go.

“Yeah. So how’s Murder She Wrote?”

“Very funny. I don’t watch it too much anymore. It’s always on opposite of Ready, Set, Cook?”

“You really ARE a wuss.”

“At least you haven’t said I’ve got a stupid voice.”

The next duo: Inky and the NQB

Inky and the NQB were going through their part of the maze, which looked like the arena from Ryan Kelley’s Nuku Nuku 95, and the two were having their own conversation…

“I want some Quick.”

“Shut up.”

“I want some Quick.”

“Shut up.”

“I want some Quick.”


“I want some-OOF!”

Inky had body checked the NQB up against one of the maze’s steel walls. Elmyra from Tiny Toons gave Inky some greenbacks and rhymed “You get the money ‘cuz you got the bunny, honey.” She took the NQB in her arms, and was hit by a 16 ton weight, and the bunny went off as normal:

“I want some Quick. I want some Quick. I want some Quick.”

Inky started banging himself into the walls, and knew his torment would continue for a long while.

Matchup #3: The Smurf and the Snork

Brainy Smurf and Junior Wentworth were making their way through a giant version of Discovery Zone, and were currently making their way through the ball pit. Brainy was taking most of the brunt of the work, as well as the pain of getting hit by collapsing piles of plastic because Jr. Wentworth was a lazy slob who would go behind Brainy, after the work was done.

“Keep moving. I want to get back to snorkland by nightfall.”

“I shall have to add a section on the arrogance of snorks to the next volume of The Great Works of Brainy Smurf.”

“Can it blueboy.”

“Shove it up your snout.”

The two soon got into a great fight that disappointed both, because at that time, there was a little

————————————————— Chapter Four-Switch —————————————————

In the lasertag zone, Inky and Jr. Wentworth were advancing towards the golden zone of the maze: the center. The problem was that Jr. Wentworth was, as usual, being a brat.

“I’m too tired to go on. Carry me.”

“Shut up.”

“Don’t tell me to shut up, or my father-”

“Shut up.”

“When he’s done with you…”

“Shut up or I will ram you into the wall multiple times.”

“You don’t-OOMPH!!!”

Inky had fulfilled his promise, and started to swear revenge against TSFKAY for forcing him into this horrible situation.

“Let’s go.”

In the Nuku Nuku 95 Zone…

Donatello was busy dodging cannons shooting loads of solid whipped cream that would blast him into the wall, and get the stickiness all over him and his fur, because the villain formerly known as Yasmine wouldn’t change him back into a turtle. Meanwhile, the NQB kept going on and on and on…

“I want some Quick. I want some Quick. I want some Quick. I want some Quick.”

Donatello positioned the NQB in front of a whipped cream cannon, but even when the bunny DID hit the wall, he’d just keep on saying “I want some Quick. I want some Quick.” The two went climbing the giant whipped cream mountain, and saw a light up ahead. This caused Donatello to break out into song.

“There’s a light Over in that center-of-the-maze There’s a light Burning in its fireplace.”

Similar voices began to chime in:

“There’s a light A light! In the darkness of every Body’s night.”

The NQB could only say one thing: “I want some Quick. I want some Quick. I want some Quick. I want some Quick. I want some Quick. I want some Quick.”

At the DZ (‘cuz it’s where they want to be)

“Oh no, not you.” Whined Brainy Smurf.

“Live with it.” Replied Razor, who was scaling a rope nit ladder, which would take him to the top of the playtime equipment.

“But my head still hurts from that last time when you stomped on me. My self-esteem hasn’t recovered yet!”

“Your ego sure has.” Mumbled Razor to himself. Unfortunately, Brainy heard.

“Of all the un-smurfy things to say!”

“Hey Brainy-why don’t you go scout out what’s on the other side of this mountain?”


Razor took Brainy and threw him across the maze. Before Brainy hit the wall, though

—————————————- Chapter Five-Zap —————————————-

Brainy was scaling the kraag with Donatello, who was still a hamster.

“This is the epitome of un-smurfiness.”

“Can it and climb.”

As the two got to the top of the kragg, a transported whipped cream cannon blasted them off, so they had to do it again. The reascension proved to be a problem, though, like slipping due to the residue from the cannon, where Donatello would usually land on Brainy, usually landing with a body part we won’t get into…There was also the time when Donatello needed to keep his teeth down, and Brainy was the closest thing. As they got to the very tip-top point of the kraag, Don’s balance shifted forward, and the two of them fell into a steel box.

Razor and Inky were most of the way up the solid-dairy mountain when suddenly, an avalanche of cheddar cheese wedges forced them to imbed themselves into the mountain. When the orange hailstorm finished, it took them a very long period of time to get themselves out of the now pink strawberry cream cheese hillside, and continue their trek to the prized location.

Jr. Wentworth and the NQB were going down a slide, and while Junior was throwing up the entire time, all that the NQB could say was “I want some Quick. I want some Quick. I want some Quick. I want some Quick,” which caused Junior to throw up even more and start to dry heave. After Junior had virtually turned his digestive system inside out, they arrived in another steel box, like Don, Brainy, Razor, and Inky had.

—————————————- Chapter Six-Riddle Me This —————————————-

The insane master of the maze approached Don and Brainy first. “To continue, each pair must answer two for three.”

“What?” asked Brainy.

“She’s being cryptic.” Said Don. “It means that each of the three groups of two must answer two riddles.”

“Riddle #1: A am the worst, but not the last.”

The two started making guesses:

“The sequel to Barry Gordon Gets Laryngitis?”

“The SwatKats: The Gathering series?”

“Really bad Riddles?”

“I know: tED tURNOR!!!”

“You are close with the third answer.”

“The first?”

“Correct. Riddle #2: I appear once in viola, twice in vivace’s, but not in pasta.”

“Duh. The letter V.”

“Correct. Proceed and await your colleagues.”

Razor and Inky’s turn:

“Riddle #1: I appear once in a minute, twice in a moment, but not in a year.”

Razor was quick to pipe up “This is a letter puzzle, isn’t it?”

Inky answered: “The letter M.”

“Correct. Riddle #2: I am the theory that destroyed an area of music.”

Razor thought for a moment: “Video?”

“Correct. Proceed and await your colleagues.”

Jr. And the Rabbit:

“I want some Quick. I want some Quick.”

“Riddle #1-”

“I want some Quick. I want some Quick.”

“I am once in twice and twice in twenty.”

“I want some Quick. I want some Quick.”

“This is a letter puzzle, isn’t it?”

“I want some Quick. I want some Quick.”


“Why do we have to do these stupid letter puzzles?”

“Because I said so, now just answer the damn riddle!”

“Ok. Ok. Once in twice, and twice in twenty…the letter T?”

“I want some Quick.”

“Correct. Riddle #2: I am the last two letters of a company whose product is being put down in an ad that has a really stupid song and two bratty kids doing the Macarena.”

“But we don’t get TV in snorkland.”

“Maybe the rabbit knows.”

The NQB’s head had stated doing 360-degree turns, and was ramming into walls.”

“Grawk! Avon Calling! Grawk! I want some Quick! I want some Quick! Grawk!”

“Close enough. Avon was the company, the answer’s on. Get out of here or the bunny gets it.”

“Kill him, please.”

“I want some Quick.”

Jr. And the NQB were forced through the door, where the others were.

“So what were your answers?” asked Razor.

“The letter T and the word on.”

“OK, so we have video, first, on, t, m, and v.”

Donatello piped up: “Unscrambled, that would be FIRST VIDEO ON MTV!!!”

A wall screen brought up a picture of Dr. Frank-N-Furter from the Rocky Horror Picture Show. He said:

“Come. We must prepare them for the floor show.”

Heavy metal walls sealed the six in, and a gas filled the room….

—————————————— Chapter Seven-The Floor Show ——————————————

The six-toon set was on a stage, with Don and Razor doing leading vocals, and Jr., Brainy, and Inky doing backups. The bunny had already been knocked out by the rest of them, and would stay asleep for the rest of the story. The music began from somewhere, and a song began:

Video Killed The Radio Star By: The Buggles Album: The Age of Plastic Year: 1979 —– —— — —– —- Razor: I heard you on the wireless back in Fifty Two Lying awake intent at tuning in on you. If I was young it didn’t stop you coming through.

Backup: Oh-a oh

Don: They took the credit for your second symphony. Rewritten by machine and new technology, and now I understand the problems you can see.

Backup: Oh-a oh

Both: I met your children

Backup: Oh-a oh

Both: What did you tell them?

All: Video killed the radio star. Video killed the radio star.

Don: Pictures came and broke your heart.

Backup: Oh-a-a-a oh

Don: And now we meet in an abandoned studio. We hear the playback and it seems so long ago. And you remember the jingles used to go.

Backup: Oh-a oh

Both: You were the first one.

Backup: Oh-a oh

Both: You were the last one.

All: Video killed the radio star. Video killed the radio star. In my mind and in my car, we can’t rewind we’ve gone to far Oh-a-aho oh, Oh-a-aho oh

Video killed the radio star. Video killed the radio star.

Razor: In my mind and in my car, we can’t rewind we’ve gone to far. Pictures came and broke your heart, look I’ll play my VCR.

All: You are a radio star. You are a radio star. Video killed the radio star. Video killed the radio star. Video killed the radio star. Video killed the radio star. Video killed the radio star. (You are a radio star.)

All of a sudden, Inky disappeared, and they all became stone. Their clothes dropped, revealing costumes straight out of the Rocky Horror floor show, and music was surprisingly similar. Razor became un-stone first:

Razor: It was great when it all began I was a regular B.G. fan But it was over when Yas’s plan Made me into a transvestite man. Now the only thing that gives me hope Is knowing no-one’s here to grope Rose tint my world and keep me safe from the trouble and pain.

Don: I just became a hamster now And I feel like a big fat cow And someone should be told My movements can not be controlled. Now the only thing I’ve come to trust is that leaving is a certain must. Rose tint my world and keeps me safe from the trouble and pain.

Brainy and Junior unfroze at the same time, and did their part twice:

It’s beyond me help me, daddy I’ll be good, you’ll see take this dream awa-a-a-a-a-a-y What’s this? Let’s see I feel sexy it’s a laugh that a duo’s doing a part for half here we go again.

All of a sudden, the moves were over, and they were all in a pool, where Inky split into lots of little Inkys, and started another song:


We’re a wild and untamed thing We’re a bee with a deadly sting You get a hit and your mind goes PING Your heart’s pumped and your blood will sting So let the smiles and the miles rock on We’re gonna shake it all night long Rose tint my world and keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.

The others all joined in, except for the bunny who was awake now, and wandering around, dizzily, saying “I want some Quick.” Over and over and over…

We’re a wild and untamed thing We’re a bee with a deadly sting You get a hit and your mind goes PING Your heart’s pumped and your blood will sting So let the smiles and the miles rock on We’re gonna shake it all night long Rose tint my world and keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.

We’re a wild and untamed thing We’re a bee with a deadly sting You get a hit and your mind goes PING Your heart’s pumped and your blood will sting So let the smiles and the miles rock on We’re gonna shake it all night long Rose tint my world and keeps me safe from my trouble and pain.

And in an instant, a large set of double-doors at the end of the room they were floor-showing in swung open, and guess who appeared:

Hackle Your dumb plot is over Your take off’s are pathetic Stupdidity’s extreme My name’s Barry Gordon Get this over Quickly! All these voices have given me a vocal cyst!

“Wait!” exclaimed Razor. “What does that mean?”

“It means that after the fanfiction is over, I’m going to have a giant lump removed from my throat, and none of you will able to talk for a couple weeks or so.”

Razor turned to Don: “This always happens when I’m with you, doesn’t it?”

A cloud came to take them away….

———————————- Chapter Eight-At Home ———————————-

Brainy Smurf was being chased out of the smurf village. Papa smurf was leading the angry mob against Brainy.

“Transvestism is NOT ALLOWED!!!”

“But I can explain!”


Something very similar happened in the Wentworth estate, which ended up with Junior being disowned.

Donatello got home, and was unfortunately met by Raphael.

“Hey Guys! Get a load of this!”

Donatello turned back into a turtle, and the other three turtles started laughing at him in his transvestite outfit, and then all joined in a perverted TMNT fanfic, but I can’t go any further, or DJ will call this a ‘mary sue’ and force me to edit it so it’ll be put on the archive.

Razor got home, and Chance, as expected, made a snide remark. Razor smiled. “If you like it, just let me go get a couple things, and I’ll entertain you for an hour.”

Chance was puzzled. “What are you going to get that’ll entertain me for an hour?”

Razor began to grin even more. “Boot to the head.”

And as boots started repeatedly hitting Chance’s head for an hour, Razor became Jake, and then burnt any physical traces of the previous adventure. He walked over to a dryboard, and wrote two words on it with a green marker:


—————————————— Well, there’s the sequel. Hope you liked it.

Next stories are:

“Kat Dwarf #1”: A Red Dwarf spoof. This is the one where the quotes contest winner gets their name put in…or in a part of “I of the Storm”

“I of the Storm”: This is a crossover with Image Comics: Mr. Gone, Violator, Overlord, and the Daemonintes have allied to take over the universe. Only the Image heroes can stop them, but even they need help…help provided by the SwatKats. ×NOTE:× This is going to be a series, and I don’t want to have to do most of it, again. If any of you reading this, or anyone else want to do a part, please, please email me with which crossover you want to do. I am looking for people who have read the following comics during the following time periods:

-Pre Wildstorm Rising Issues of: WildC.A.T.S. Stormwatch Gen13 or Backlash


Any issues from 1-20 of the Maxx, or seen the cartoon


Issues from after the second Rampage through #25 or so of The Savage Dragon


Any Issues of Spawn, or seen the HBO cartoon

and feel like you know enough to do crossovers with any of the above comic books, please let me know, as I am looking for authors for my next series, I of the Storm, which will run the SwatKats throughout the universe of Image Comics. Send all comments, suggestions, if you’ll do a part for “I of the Storm”, or you’re entering the quotes contest, send it all to:


See you in Barry Gordon #2



“I don’t know why I do this anymore. I’m all alone, my film’s no prize, But I’ve got the stuff, at least everybody says so. My friends have flown or are dropping like flies And if that’s not enough, I’m in love with a lesbo. I’m stuck with you, I hate your guts. And it’s only 10 AM” –Jonathan Larson’s RENT: New York Theatre Workshop Edition


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