Original SWAT Kats Story

You Don’t Know SWAT

By Nick Ball

  • 1 Chapter
  • 2,905 Words

Nick and a cast of SWAT Kat characters participate on a game show.

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You Don’t Know SWAT by Nick Ball

(Fade In on a studio set, a human leans on a water cooler and speaks to a shekat)

Nick: You know, I didn’t always want to end up like this.

Callie: (sips coffee) Uh huh.

Nick: You know, being a writer. Being a writer’s alright, but it’s not really that good. You know what I mean? It’s like, we all say that Jim Carrey is a funny guy and that James Cameron is a good director, but it’s always the writer. I mean, Jim’s just saying the lines the writer made up. Cameron’s skill lies solely in making sure the camera stays in focus. It’s the writer.

Callie: Uh huh.

Nick: But the writer never gets any of the credit.

Callie: (takes another sip, looks uninterested) Uh huh.

Soundguy: (walking past them) We’re on the air in 3 minutes, people.

Nick: Do you know who wrote Die Hard? No one does. Even *I* don’t, and I take interest in that stuff. Die Hard was based on a book. Die Hard 3 was actually the intended script for Lethal Weapon 4 with the names changed, you know. I didn’t think Die Hard 2 was very good. Die Harder. Good title, though. But the plane stuff wasn’t as intellectual as the other two, in my opinion.

Callie: Uh huh. (peers into coffee mug)

Nick: But I’m a writer. I suppose it’s like my calling. That is, if it’s not pretentious to call myself ‘a writer’. I mean, if I drew a sketch, I wouldn’t call myself ‘an artist’, I think. I don’t know. I’d like to write a novel. It’d be good to do that. You know, to have a book on the shelf with your name on it. That’s, like, my life dream I think. Fame.

Callie: Uh huh.

Nick: Not that it’d go to my head. I’d still be the same me. And it wouldn’t be a career. It would just be a hobby. Something to keep me lively and all that. It’s just being able to come up with a good idea that’d go the distance. I actually, for awhile, had an idea out for an entire novel, characters, plot turns and chapters – everything. But when I sat down to it, it didn’t feel right. A novel’s quite a long distance to go. Especially when you prefer dialogue to narration.

Callie: (wiggles coffee mug) Uh huh.

Nick: Maybe I should be doing scripts for movies instead. But that’s alot harder to get published and I’m not sure that’s what I want right now. I’d do it, but I’m not sure that’s what I want. And that’s the important thing, isn’t it?

Callie: Uh huh.

Cameraman: We’re going to have this set laid up in 90 seconds, people.

Nick: I don’t know. I..I feel it’s a good thing to work at furthering things. Like, applying yourself. People shouldn’t be called things like nerd, loser or goody two-shoes just because they show a grain of intelligence, individuality or moral code. I know the world. I’ve seen the decadence it contains now. I’ve come to love it. It’s a dangerous thing to do, to embrace apathy. It makes giving up too simple, and the bed you sleep in too warm to leave when you wake in the morn. I read books. I try to help people. But I do it for myself. I’m the one who has to live with myself, and get to sleep at nights. If someone can do something for themself, then, maybe they can do something for the world. That’s what I think anyway.

Callie: Uh huh.

(Callie uses paw to push loose strand of hair back over shoulder)

Callie: You know, I do something for myself too. In the past, I used to have to deal with the most egotistical, banal, useless people in the line of my job, and I used to tell them what I thought of them…But now I just say ‘Uh huh’. (she turns and walks away, and the click of her high heels echo throughout the studio as we slowly fade to black)

Nick: …uh huh.


SWAT Kats: The Radical Squadron

“You Don’t Know SWAT” by Nicholas ‘I wish I were Zorak’ Ball

(Fade In on a typical gameshow set. Some may call it cheesy, I won’t go so far)

Hard Drive: Hey there, and welcome to the quiz show that tests the who’s who as to the what’s what in MegaKat City! Of course, I’m talking about ‘You Don’t Know SWAT’! Yayyyy! Enough banter. Tonight we have 4 teams competing for the glorious mystery prize.

Audience: Ooooooh!

Hard Drive: The first team, who wish to be called ‘Team SWAT’ are notably, the SWAT Kats – T-Bone and Razor! Welcome aboard the show, guys!

T-Bone: Glad to be on.

Hard Drive: The next booth, ‘Team Enforcer’ consists of two more of my arch-mentors – ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Commander and Lieutenant Feral!

Audience: (applauds)

Hard Drive: And where would a quiz show be without Molly Metallikat and Mac Metallikat? It’s ‘Team Metallikat’!

Audience: (whistles and applauds)

Molly: Ah, give it up already.

Hard Drive: And last, and least, we have…who are YOU? You’re not Mayor Manx!

Nick: Uh..he was sick. Or something. I don’t know. He couldn’t make it. I figured I might as well fill in. Uh…yes?

Hard Drive: I shouldn’t, but I don’t think we’re in any danger of you snatching away the grand prize. Name?

Nick: Uh..Nick Ball. I’m the author.

Hard Drive: And can I get down on my knees and thank you for gracing all of us with your appearance, Hollywood style, Mister Ball?

Audience: (laughs)

Nick: Nno, I, that won’t be necessary. Do I get a team mate?

Hard Drive: (takes off shoe and tosses it at him) Here you go. You can have ‘Lefty’. And with ‘Team Buffoon’ registered-

Nick: Hey!

Hard Drive: We can get on the way.

Nick: I am NOT Team Buffoon.

Hard Drive: No, you and LEFTY are Team Buffoon. Always remember to be a team player, Mike.

Nick: Nick.

Hard Drive: Whatever. The first round of questions are entitled, ‘Giant Monster Of The Week Club’. 100 points per correct answer, minus 100 points for getting it wrong. Name the largest villain in ‘Volcanus Erupts’?

Razor: (buzz) Volcanus!

Hard Drive: Correct. ‘The Ghost Pilot’?

Lieutenant Feral: (buzz) The Ghost Pilot.

Hard Drive: Correct, though we would have also accepted ‘The Red Lynx’.

(Commander Feral pats Felina on the head, she smiles)

Hard Drive: ‘Unlikely Alloys’?

Mac: (buzz) If my Random Access Memory serves me correctly, the answer would be Zed.

Molly: (folds arms) Show off.

Hard Drive: Correct, and the last question…who is the largest villain in ‘Mutation City’?

Nick: (buzz) Ooh! Ooh! That was the first episode I ever saw! That big frog!

Hard Drive: (loud buzz sound) Oh, I’m so sorry, that answer is wrong.

Nick: What?!

Hard Drive: If you had been paying attention when you saw that episode, you would have remembered that ‘Dr Viper’ actually turns out to be the largest villain in his ‘Mutation City’.

Nick: (grumbles)

(T-Bone sniggers and Mac points at Nick)

Hard Drive: And so at the end of round 1, every team is tying equally on 100 points…except for Team Buffoon, who are on a dismal negative 100.

Nick: (frowns and looks down)

Hard Drive: The next round is entitled ‘Anagram Crazy’ – 200 points per Q going at stake here, so rearrange the letters to get the villain name…R R I E A D D H V..

Molly: (buzz) Hard Drive.

Hard Drive: That I am, 200 for your favourite charity. Now..K K A A T R D

(long silence)

T-Bone: Dark Kat?

Hard Drive: I’m going to need you to buzz in with your answer…

Commander: (buzz) Dark Kat?

Hard Drive: Correct!

T-Bone: That was my tag!

Commander: Step down, SWAT Kat, I had jurisdiction over that one.

T-Bone: I had a lock Commander! Dark Kat was mine!

Razor: (rolls eyes) Not again..

Hard Drive: Now now, maybe you’ll get this next one…R R D P I V E

Razor: (buzz) Dr Viper!

Hard Drive: Correct!

T-Bone: Nyeah. (pokes tongue out at Ferals. Felina grabs it and won’t let go)

Hard Drive: ..T-Bone..you want to say something? T-Bone? Cat got your tongue?

Audience: (laughs)

(Felina lets go, T-Bone rubs his tongue thoughtfully)

Hard Drive: Ooh, you can sense the electricity in the air between Team SWAT and Team Enforcer, can’t you? No? Then I guess it’s only me…

(His coat zaps electricity briefly, audience laughs again)

Hard Drive: Get it? I said electricity and I..oh, forget it. Last one, U R T I M L O..

Nick: (buzz) Turmoil!

Hard Drive: Incorrect! What the Hell were you thinking?!

Nick: It is!

Hard Drive: Alright, kids, out of the pool. I said that each one was a rearrangement of a villain’s name, NOT a villainess’s, so the CORRECT answer is ‘Mutilor’. End of Round Two, and all teams are equal.. except Team Buffon, who’ve plummeted down to negative 300! Team Buffoon, in case you’re wondering, up is *that* way…(points)

Audience: (laughs)

Nick: This shoe isn’t helping at all.

Hard Drive: Excuses, excuses. I like to call Round Three ‘Never Mind You, Who’s That Behind You’? In this round, I want the names of extras. Team Buffoon, I shall repeat the question for you, in slow monosyllabic tones.

Nick: Don’t bother.

Hard Drive: Thiiiiiis….roooooooouunndd…

Nick: I said, don’t bother.

Hard Drive: Iiiiiiis..abboooooooouuttt…

Nick: Did you hear me? I said-

Molly: (starts laughing, as does Razor)

Hard Drive: qqqquuueeeesstttiiioonnnsss….

Nick: I don’t need this. I understood the first time.

Hard Drive: Ttttthhhhhaaaaaaaatttt…

Nick: The shoe understood it too.

(all the others are by now either laughing or sniggering)

Hard Drive: aaaassssskkk…..

Nick: Look, please just ask the questions.

Hard Drive: aaaabbbooouuutttt..ow!

(he is hit by the shoe ‘Lefty’. Cut to Nick standing there, whilst Molly gives him a dirty look)

Nick: Bad Lefty! Don’t attack Mr Trivia!

Hard Drive: Ohhh, is it like THAT is it?

Nick: Hey, you read the situation, pal. That is, IF you can read.

(short pause)

Hard Drive: Due to time restrictions we now proceed immediately to the lightening round. (throws cards over shoulder) 1000 points gained per correct answer, minus 1000 per wrong answer. The name of this round is ‘Nick Ball is a Dick’…

Nick: Hey! That’s not true!

Hard Drive: The general question is ‘Plagiarism’ – I’ll mention one of his creations to you, you tell me where he stole it from. 1 G every correct answer, I wish you all the best of luck. Well, I wish MOST of you the best of luck. Here goes. ‘Exercisin’!

Razor: (buzz) ‘Exorcism’!

Nick: Hey!

Hard Drive: Correct!

Nick: Nuh!

Hard Drive: ‘Road Trip’!

Mac: (buzz) Platinum Grit!

Nick: Hey!

Hard Drive: Correct!

Nick: No way!

Hard Drive: ‘Road Trip, Part II’!

Commander Feral: (buzz) Platinum Grit!

Nick: Hey!

Hard Drive: Correct!

Nick: Never!

Hard Drive: ‘Road Trip, Part III!

T-Bone: (buzz) Platinum Grit!

Nick: Hey!

Hard Drive: Correct!

Nick: Hey!

Hard Drive: Road Trip II!

Lieutenant Feral: (buzz) Platinum Grit!

Nick: Hey!

Hard Drive: Correct!

Nick: Screw you, triangle thief!

Hard Drive: Road Trip III!

Molly: (buzz) Platinum Grit!

Nick: Hey!

Hard Drive: Correct!

Nick: It’s not!

Hard Drive: Bender, from the RPG!

Razor: (buzz) Platinum Grit!

Nick: Hey!

Hard Drive: Correct!

Nick: I don’t know what you’re insinuating!

Hard Drive: Pseudon’t!

Lieutenant Feral: (buzz) Platinum Grit!

Nick: Hey!

Hard Drive: Correct!

Nick: Hey! I don’t even know what Platinum Grit is!

Hard Drive: The Lance Falk Interview!

Molly: (buzz) Both the Martin/Molloy Interview with Sir Donald Bradman included in their CD album ‘Poop Chute’ and the Introduction by Paul McDermott in ‘Good News Week’.

Nick: Hey!

Hard Drive: Correct!

Nick: Not!

Hard Drive: A Very SWATTY Christmas!

Nick: All mine!

Felina: (buzz) The Alexei Sayle Show and the end clip to The Olden Days!

Hard Drive: Correct!

Nick: Those simularities were entirely coincidential!

Hard Drive: SWAT Kats: Freelance Police!

T-Bone: (buzz) Sam and Max, Freelance Police!

Nick: Hey!

Hard Drive: Correct!

Nick: I am NOT a dick!

Hard Drive: SWAT Kats: Freelance Police Part II!

Commander Feral: (buzz) Sam and Max, Freelance Police!

Nick: Hey!

Hard Drive: Correct!

Nick: Hey!..actually..I’ll give you that one.

Hard Drive: FAQ Kats!

Nick: ..What?

Mac: (buzz) The FAQ!

Nick: Was not!

Hard Drive: Correct!

Nick: No!

Hard Drive: FAQ Kats II!

Razor: (buzz) The FAQ list and mailing list!

Nick: That doesn’t count!

Hard Drive: Correct!

Nick: It is NOT!

Hard Drive: ‘Xena Briggs: Warrior Deputy Mayor’!

Lieutenant Feral: (buzz) ‘Xena: Warrior Princess’!

Nick: That was intentional!

Hard Drive: Correct!

Nick: This is stupid!

Hard Drive: ‘SWAT Kats: The Gathering Part 4’!

Molly: (buzz) ‘Magic: The Gathering’!

Nick: That was the theme! It was MEANT to be like that!

Hard Drive: Correct!

Nick: Hello?! Is anyone listening to me?

(everyone stops dead in their tracks and looks at Nick. silence.)

Nick: ….just checking.

(slight pause, then background music restarts and quiz starts again at usual manic pace)

Hard Drive: …’You Don’t Know SWAT’!

Razor: (buzz) ‘You Don’t Know JACK’!

Nick: It was a joke!

Hard Drive: Correct!

Nick: He shouldn’t get points for that!

Hard Drive: ‘Cross Roads’!

Nick: OH GOD NO!

T-Bone: (buzz) Every story on the friggin’ archive!

Hard Drive: Correct!

Nick: I’ll kill you! (dives for Hard Drive’s throat)



(Static clears. Nick lies on the ground, the audience are cheering)

Hard Drive: Well, and so we come to the end of another round of ‘You Don’t Know SWAT’! Who’s the winner? Who cares? One thing for sure, we know who the LOSER is! Now let’s go around his house and bust up the place. Oh, wait. A minute of mourning for the dearly departed. …that’s enough. Care to pay your last respects, Lefty? (he kicks the body of Nick) There we go. I’d say a quote as a funeral oration, but I could never forgive myself for MERCILESSLY ripping it off from somewhere else. Take care, viewers! The snow cones are on me!

(Audience cheers, music plays, Fade…)SWAT Kats: The Radical Squadron

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