SWAT KATS: The Radical Squadron
“Where Are They Now?” by Nick ‘Leave This Bit Blank’ Ball
It’s been awhile. A long while. This should probably be called “Where Is Nick Now, And Why Did He Stop Stealing Story Ideas?”, but we can’t all get what we want. I wanted a Journalism degree. You know what I got? Mathematics. I HATE Maths. What the heck’s going on there? I’ll finish it though. Just to teach them a lesson. So yeah, instead of stealing SWAT Kats ideas, I’ve been busy learning what 9 times 12 is. It’s 108, I think. Or 118. 98. 128? Doesn’t matter. The exam isn’t for weeks. In the meantime, I’ve returned just to show you all I still got the knack for plagiarism. Hugs and Kisses. Nick. P.S: You either ‘get’ this or you don’t, and if you don’t, don’t bother. Obviously.
“Where Are They Now?”
I’m standing in Studio B of a film production studio, well, not a studio of a studio, obviously, what I mean to say is if I WASN’T standing in Studio B of, well, I mean I am, don’t think I’m not, beca..
Monteluca Bay is a dashing, busy town. It has an industrial zone for industries and a coastfronted residential area for houses that are on the coast of the residences’s towns. Somewhere between these two is the Capdown Lot, a film production studio, and no it’s not a studio, it’s a film production LOT that houses a studio, and that studio’s name is Studio B. Yes.
Chance: Do I-
Not yet. And it is IN Studio B, once that you’re in there that you see that some of the stars of whom you may have asked Where Are They Now, you see where they are. Now.
One of those stars is Chance Furlong, a former star of SWAT Kats and now a star of .. an attempted new series of SWAT Kats. Chance.
Chance: Good morning.
How are you?
Chance: I’m fine, thanks.
Where have you been all these years?
Chance: You mean after the show got cancelled? I uh, I spent awhile looking over my prospects and then I did some stuff and here I am today.
Rrriiight. So, tell me about this ‘stuff’. You had a Television show of your own, didn’t you?
Chance: No, that was Jake. ‘Clawson, P.I’ it was called. He wore a trenchcoat and ‘investigated’ crimes and everyone loved him because he’d sold out.
Sold out of what? Could he just get some more of..?
Chance: The industry.
He’d sold OUT of the industry?
Chance: Yeah, if you want to make it in the industry you need to sell out of i-
Security Guard: I’m sorry Sir, but you’re required on set.
Chance: I’ll be there in a minute.
Security Guard: Not you, Sir here.
Security Guard: And put the costume back on.
But I don’t have a costume.
It’s only after dancing in a dragon costume for 15 minutes while a producer yells at you that you’re not being entertaining enough that you can really appreciate the difficulties of working in the film industry, and one can imagine Chance’s compulsory 7 year holiday must have come as a form of relief to him.
Chance: You’re back.
Yes, the real Mr uh.. Puff thing turned up, so they’re filming him. They thought I was his stand in. So, having all that tim-
Chance: So where’s the real stand in?
He couldn’t make it, he’s standing in for someone else, they said. Having all that time off must really-
Chance: Is that why you still have the costume on?
No, I can’t operate the zip with the paws on, it doesn’t matter, it’s not that hot in here really. So do you consider your 7 year holiday from any kind of work at all-
Chance: I did awareness work with little kids with.. uh.. illnesses.
Yes, but that 7 year holiday, after the stress of working in the industry, was it a relief?
Chance: I think that-
Jake: Hi Chance.
Chance: I think that after 7 years a holiday can get kind of tedious, so I really want a break for it.
So that’s why you’re coming back to work, I see.
Jake: Who’s this? The Dragon show’s next door. This is the SWAT Kats set, you want next door.
No, I’m with-
Chance: This is the documentarian.
Jake: A DRAGON documentarian?
No, it’s a suit.
Jake: Do they usually dress like this?
It’s the zip, I can’t work it because of these paws because you can’t clasp the clasp thing at the back with .. it. .. .. You know, maybe someone could help me with it?
Chance: I can probably try to-
Would you? Thanks, just at the back there that’s, No not – No, you need to OW. What was that?
Jake: Is it meant to come off like that?
Chance: There’d be some tools around here somewhere.
Felina, there must be a lot of secrets and behind the scenes entertainment on the SWAT Kats set.
Felina: You know you’re dressed as a dragon, don’t you?
Pastmaster: I rode a dragon once. Big red thing.
Yes, I know, it’s just stuck for the time being, they say they can get it off later. Are there many secrets to the SWAT Kats journeys?
Felina: Oh yes, there’s quite a lot.
Yes .. um ..?
Pastmaster: Call yourself a dragon? You’re no kind of dragon at all. What kind of green dragon’s got a clipboard for? Dragons breathe fire and scourge the land, back in the good old days, I knew 4 dragons who-
I’m not a dragon.
Pastmaster: I should say not!
Felina, secrets must have got out on the set quite a bit I imagine.
Felina: I don’t really think so.
But what of your, uh, relationship with Past here?
Felina: Ohh, not many knew at the time. Callie Briggs did, I think.
Pastmaster: Knew what?
Felina: About you and me.
Well, that’s interesting because-
Pastmaster: What ABOUT you and me?
Felina: We were dating during the original series.
Pastmaster: I know THAT! I may be 458, but my memory’s not going, you crazy BINT.
No, she was talking to me.
Pastmaster: Call yourself a DRAGON?
Callie Briggs is a professional actress. From playing Deputy Mayor in SWAT Kats to hair shampoo commercials and her own prime time show ‘Cookie With Callie’ she’s acted in all her roles, even when she was playing herself, which was a role that she’s been cast in by this isn’t working we’ll do this bit later.
Callie: Why are you dressed in-
Nevermind. Felina tells me you knew of her secret.
Callie: Hey, no one forced her to sit on THAT couch if you know what I mean.
Oh, no. I don’t. I mean, her and Past.
Callie: Well, it’s no one else’s fault she had a past like that. She knew what she was getting into, with the whole couch-
No, no, with Past Master, her relationship with Past Master.
Callie: Ohhh, the PASTMaster, oh yes. I practically introduced them. We needed another villain for the show, so we took the Pastmaster, and we wrapped him in tinfoil, and then Felina comes up with this idea that she can do the same, become a female robot, and they started to spend a lot of time together wh-
Chance: Actually, it started off as a prank, we wanted to get some shots of the Pastmaster wrapped in tinfoil for a laugh, you know, so we did it and it looked so good that-
Callie: Who said you could come over here?
Chance: I was just-
Callie: 200 yards, CHANCE. Unless you want to go back to court again.
Chance: I needed to help him try and get the headpiece off, he’s probably finding it hot in there.
Yes, I am.
Chance: I’m trying to help the guy out.
Callie: Don’t get so close to me, he doesn’t need your help, you just need to learn-
Actually, I do. It’s getting steamy in here. Almost hard to breathe, but I’m sure they-
Callie: I’m off.
Chance: Forget her, little minx. I can’t seem to pry the-
No, you can’t.
Chance: I’m trying to lift this ridge here..
Yes, it’s not, no, please stop that because it’s caught under-
Chance: Is that bit touching you?
Chance: This bit here.
.. that IS me.
Chance: Is it?
Chance: Oh. .. well .. ..I know.
Chance: I can make you some airholes!
No, no. You don’t want to do that.
Chance: Just hold still. This isn’t easy.
Don’t force it, that’s sharp. Don’t. No, DON’T!
Chance: Just a little push and-
Jake: Has he recovered?
Felina: I don’t see him moving.
Pastmaster: Oh, you’re fools, all of you, you can only kill a dragon by firing a magic arrow into it’s belly plate.
Felina: It’s not a real Dragon, Pastmaster.
Security Guard: We need you on set, OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
Chance: He’s fine! Get up.. please, oh Jesus.. start breathing, I pulled it out, it can’t hurt anymore, there wasn’t much blood on-
Callie: There he is Officer, he came broke the restraining order and he got that screwdriver and-
Pastmaster: Get up you!
Chance: He’s talking! He’s OK!
Jake: Bejesus, that’s a miracle.
Officer: Sir, we’re going to have to take you into custody for violating a court order and attempted murder.
Chance: I was trying to make a airhole!
I can’t see in this thing, can someone help me up? I can’-
Felina: Oh my GOD, I can’t believe he’s OK.
Security Guard: Can someone get that suit off him?
Muhaatheb se nola?
Officer: Sir, if you just come quietly we can sort all this out at the station.
Chance: Jake, don’t let them do this to me!
Callie: Too soon if you ask me.
Felina: My God, is he okay?
Pastmaster: I can use my Dragon amulet to restore his health, my dear.
Callie: Can someone lock this thing down?
Felina: I’m going to try and get the headpiece off.
Officer: Don’t touch it, I’ve called an ambulance.
Callie: This doesn’t happen on the Powerpuff Girls’ set.
SWAT Kats was a successful cartoon up until 1993, when it was axed, and obviously no longer successful, or a cartoon. A lot of water has passed under the bridge since then, but it’s obvious that the bridge of SWAT Kats, in some form or another, will still cross a .. body of water, and connect their loyal fans to, to .. it. The other side. Of the bridge.
Hospital Frontdesk: We don’t treat that species here. I’m afraid you’ll have to go the Dragon sanctuary in Newport.
I’m not a dragon.
Pastmaster: Don’t worry, mortal, I can heal him with my Amulet.
Please don’t let him touch me.
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Disclaimer: SWAT Kats: The Radical Squadron is copyright to Hanna-Barbera Cartoons Inc. All Rights Reserved. © 1995. All other characters and material within this page are the property of their respective creators.