Auteur: Nick Ball Title: The Lance Falk Interview Review: Contains something that isn’t a table of contents, an interview with Lance Falk and a review of the SK Fanfiction Archive. Don’e eat within an hour of swimming. SWAT Kats: The Radical Squadron
“The Lance Falk Interview” by Nicholas ‘Five O’Clock Shadow’ Ball
Not The Table Of Contents:
Buonos nachos, fellow readers! That’s a Spanish greeting meaning ‘Good nachos’. Or a Mexican one. Either of which, it pertains to the nacho. You see, back in Mexico (or Spain) they only eat nachos on festive occasions, such as births, weddings and funerals etc, so when you say ‘Good nachos’ to someone, it means that you’re well-wishing and stating that the day (and greeting) are quite special. Burritos, however, are an entirely different matter. And I won’t even go into the social implications if you offer someone else a taco, or God fear, a churrito. If you take my advice, you’ll just stick to pizza, unless it’s a first date, in which case fritos may be applied to ‘break the ice’, but enough on that.
Nick: Lance Falk is, arguably, a mogul in the world we know of television and animated programs, and is one of the SWAT Kats Fanfiction Archive’s most fondly regarded personalities. He has worked in the past on shows like Capitol Critters and Animaniacs, but know him much better from when he applied his creative genius and worked so diligently on the cartoon we remember today as ‘SWAT Kats: The Radical Squadron’, when had worked as a unit head for Hanna-Barbera’s art department before getting into writing (he’d done four spec scripts for ‘Star Trek: The Next Generation’ at this point) and wrote such classic episodes as ‘Cry Turmoil’ and ‘When Strikes Mutilor’ (Turmoil is actually an anagram of ‘Mutilor’, who was named after a goldfish owned by Lance’s friend Chris Otsuki), and I’m currently joined by him. Mr Falk, thanks for agreeing to speak to me.
Lance: My pleasure, but, please, call me Lance. And may I say, that was quite an introduction you gave me there, Nicholas, with all you knew, it’s as though you’ve been stalking me! (laughs)
Nick: (sits upright, pulls yellow envelope close to chest) I don’t know what you mean. What are you talking about?
Lance: No, no I just meant-
Nick: Who told you? Who put you up to this?
Lance: (laughs again) I’m glad I chose to be interviewed by you, because based on what I’ve…wait up. That envelope has my name on it…
Nick: (turns envelope over) No it doesn’t. Tell us about the creation meetings you attended for SWAT Kats, Mr Falk.
Lance: No, that envelope definitly had my name on (takes and open, pulling out photographs)..these are photos of me.
Nick: No they’re not.
Lance: Look, here’s one of me going to the shops…this is me at the – hey, where did you get these photographs from?
Nick: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Lance: This one was…this one was taken inside my home. What are you..WHERE did you get these photos from??
Nick: I just..found them, okay?
Lance: (looking at picture of him in bathrobe, preparing to get into shower) I think I’d better contact the authorities.
Interview terminated. Resumed at police headquarters 2:45 pm, 12.1.98
Police Officer: (holds up photgraph of Lance walking dog) Where did you obtain these photgraphs?
Nick: I don’t know. They’re not mine, okay?
Police Officer: (taking out blueprint of envelope) What about this?
Lance: That’s a blueprint of my house! With the exits circled!
Nick: Look, I don’t know where they came from, they belong to someone else.
Police Officer: Who?
Nick: Uh…this crazy girl called Jennifer who writes on the archive also. She’s completely insane and she thinks she’s a character who got sucked into the TV and she told me that her one mission in life was to hunt down Lawrence Fork-
Lance: Lance FALK.
Nick: Him too, and break into his house and tie him up with electrician’s tape and be really bad and all that.
Police Officer: (into radio) Could we have an APB out on one ‘Jennifer’ please?
Nick: I think you should shoot her on sight. If you see her, just shoot her right away. Could you tell them that? Tell them to shoot her. She’s armed and dangerous. I’ve seen her kill people before. She’s dangerous. Did I mention that DJ’s the Unabomber?
200 hours of community service later…
Lance: (shopping at local mall) I think the paisley’s a bit dated, so I’ll go with the velvet crushed look please. Just charge it to-
Nick: (comes up behind him) Mr Falk, did you see ‘Cry Turmoil’ as a defining moment for feminine strength through the portrayal of a villainess and her all female crew as potential successors to the city, reflected in the competant and imperative roles played by Callico Briggs, Lieutenant Feral and Abi Sinian?
Lance: (half turning) You?! I..the what?
Nick: (repeats question, this time shouting directly into Lance’s ear through a rolled-up newspaper)
Lance: (wincing) Yes, I heard you the first..
Nick: (kicks clothes stand over) So you’re not denying it!
Lance: Look, what are you-
Nick: (picks up pink flowery dress) Here, why don’t you just try this on, you GIRL! You know you want to! (attempts to make him wear it. A brief scuffle ensues)
Lance: Security! Security!!
Interview terminated. Resumes three weeks later after Mr Falk recieves written apology and psychiatric report on ‘Subject N’.
Nick: Mr Falk, thank you for agreeing to speak to me again.
Lance: It’s okay, but let’s just try and use a bit of restraint this time, okay? I’m more than willing to conduct this interview with yourself, but only if it’s done in a civilised manner.
Nick: So I take it the arm wrestling’s out then? (sniggers) Sorry no..Mr Falk, sit down – I’ve got a serious question for you.
Nick: Based on your extensive history in Hanna Barbera animation, and your work on many of it’s projects, including the modern Jonny Quest, who do you think is your favourite Spice Girl?
Lance: The what?
Nick: I’m picking you as a ‘Sporty Spice’ man, myself.
Lance: I’m sorry, Nicholas, but I hardly see the relevance between that and- (Nick produces rolled-up newspaper)
Nick: Come on, Falk, don’t play dumb with me! You’d be in her pants within a zig-a-zig-ha if you had the chance!
Lance: Listen here – this is your final chance. This will be the last interview I give, and I urge you to seriously address this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Nick: Hey, Lance, pull my finger!
Nick: Go on..pull it!
Lance: Listen here, I don’t have to put up with..
Nick: I can’t hold it much longer..
Lance: That’s it. (stands up) One final question.
Nick: Lance, when you were working on the first season of SWAT Kats in 1993..
Nick: Did you ever wedgie the Tremblays?
Interview terminated despite Nick’s attempt to win Lance’s favour with two tickets to see ‘Wheel Of Fortune’.
A week later, despite Lance’s Restraining Order the interview resumes after Nick enters through a downstairs window…
Nick: Thank you for speaking to me again, Mr Falk.
Lance: Untie me, you crazy bastard!
Nick: I’ve been thinking that it’d be cool if you and me cowrote something togeth-
Police: (through megaphone) You are surrounded. Release the hostage and come out with your hands in the air!
Nick: Not until he SEES! NOT UNTIL HE UNDERSTANDS HOW PERFECT I AM!!
SWAT member: We have a clear shot.
Police Officer: Take him out.
(Bullets shatter window and hit Nick in the arm and chest. He falls over forwards, bleeding everywhere, dropping the carving knife as he falls)
Nick: Lance Falk, thanks for your time.
Afterword, a review of the SWAT Kats Fanfiction Archive:
There is a popular theory that says you inherit the world when you take up language. You ascend to a higher being, such is the power of communication. You assume a role on the higher plain of existance, and are hence more important in the grand scheme of things.
Churchill led others though his words. Jesus taught through parables. Orville and Wilbur Wright wrote down equations and theory concerning the possibility of flight. Marx published a manifesto that flipped the capitalist view onto it’s head.
Every great man and woman of the past, present, and presumably, future will have at least some rudimentary skill of communication, and knowledge of how to use it wisely.
The same might be said of the SWAT Kats Fanfiction Archive.
With the exception that when I took up language, I threw the world away, rather than inherit it. The SWAT Kats Fanfiction Archive has sucked the very essence of my being from the centre clutches of my veritable soul. I am but a hollow man now, dead on the inside.
The SWAT Kats Fanfiction Archive was a venture into a Xanadu, where seemingly perfect motives and virtues were applied. We all loved the SK’s (some apparently more than others) and set aside our own temple in which we could worship or sing praises. Openly display the fruits of our labour over the creative good. Sell our wares. Prove our value.
But this so much wasn’t to be. Here is the truth about the archive.
The archive is one of the worst places on the Internet. Its whole purpose is the deconstruction of humanity, and I so strongly wish there was a way it could be stopped. People lie about having read other people’s stories in a hope of having the other people ‘return the favour’ and read thiers. People backstabbed each other concerning jealousies and social standards, and some author’s works rust, unread, merely due to unfair opinions held over them.
I am no stranger to this; I played the game. I knew how to lie and pretend to be interested and I did this all. I did it to you all. This is my retribution, but it will not be enough. I have to live with what has happened over the last year. It’s not pretty. I have trouble sleeping at nights.
And you. You either write the stories that are up there, or read the ones that are and sponser them. Some of you even actively do both. And because of you all, I am the way I am today. Hollow. Dead. Cold. Popular.
And on that note I’d like to thank you all, with the reminder that sometimes you get good value when you sell your soul.
Nick Ball, ’98.
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Disclaimer: SWAT Kats: The Radical Squadron is copyright to Hanna-Barbera Cartoons Inc. All Rights Reserved. © 1995. All other characters and material within this page are the property of their respective creators.