Original SWAT Kats Story

SWAT Kats: The Gathering

By Nick Ball, Jade F. Callan & Professor Isaac Hackle

  • 7 Chapters
  • 25,684 Words

These are all “Magic : The Gathering” crossovers

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Author's Notes:

O.K. This is the second story, some time has elapsed since the first one, so it’s happened, and we’re past it now. This SHOULD NOT be combined into a single text file with the first story. Part Three will be written by Jade F. Callan (if I’m lucky), date of release is unknown.

In Part One:

Jake and Chance found out they were wizards, and met 3 others: Mark, the white wizard, Sauraman (the pastmaster), the green wizard, and Sidney, the Black Wizard. Mark attacked Chance, and Jake overreacted a bit, planned of course, and retaliated by dealing quite a bit of damage to mark, who put Jake on trial, and was temporarily acquitted.

Life Counts: mark-13 sauraman-4 sidney-20 chance-20 jake-20

–This story uses cards from the Editions, the Arabian Nights, and the Antiquties expansions.-

Magic: The Gathering, and all it’s sub-stuff belongs to wizards of the coast, you knw the drill.

This one goes out to Don Redmond for being so perverted that he actually got Ryan Kelley to swear himself off of sex.

This one also goes out to Jade F. Callan for writing the next part of this.

The third and final dedication goes out to Davros, who was recently downsized, along with 219 other employees of fIRST dATA rESOURCES, and has been able to, with luck at time of publication, recover and find another job. STOP CORPORATE CRIME!!!!!

Remember: To know this story, you gotta know magic. For info, go to Wizards of the Coast’s web page at:


also, this story is a prologue-type story to the Doctor Who episode “Paradise Towers”. I recommend that you watch it first, as it does a better job of setting up the characters, and telling a cool story better than I do. All you need to know is that this is kind of clockwork orange-ish, (even though I’ve never seen or read clockwork orange, it’s just in the roots for the doctor who episode)

thanx to the bbc for quality on doctor who, maybe now I can actually get to the story. Remember: read planet of the cheetah people first. Then you get some of the references to it like right below:

I wanted to do more with Jake in regenrated form, but due to requests, I returned Jake to original form. In this story, it’s a parallel universe, and Jake didn’t Un-Regenerate.

Chapter 2

SwatKats: The Gathering #2: SwatKangs: The Gathering by: P.I.Hackle

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ \/\/\ Chapter One /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ \/\/\

A long time ago, there was a building. In the building lived young people, old people, and one person inbetween. One day, they had some visiotrs, and the story went something like this:

“Hey Jake!”

“Hey Chance, what’s up?”

“Not a lot. We gotta fix the deputy mayor’s car again, but nothing out of the ordinary.”

“Yeah, I’m beginning to think she breaks it on purpose.”


“Yeah. Oh, by the way, I figured out how to search for card caches.”

“You did? How?”

“Simple. I took the magical energy readings off the cards, and programmed them into the computer to find similar feedbacks.”

“Cool. Find one yet?”

“Not yet. I just started it this morning.”

“Huh. Let’s go work on some cars, and check back on it again later.”

“Sounds good to me.”

The two mechanics worked all day, checking up on the computer periodically, and finding out that nothing much was happening, and that the seach sphere went off of the kat world, and out into outer space.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ \/\/\ Chapter Two /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ \/\/\

In the building, a robot was going through the halls. Its sensors picked up a girl. The girl had spiked yellow hair, and was clad in yellow. She was brave enough that when the machine killed her, she didn’t scream. She was a kang.

Also in the building were quite a few semi-senile old ladies. Everyday, they would have tea and cakes, and go about their business talking to the neighbors, etc.

This building had many more things inside of it, including whacko-jacko hotel employees, vicious cleaners, and one of the universe’s greatest evils hidden inside the basement. The building was named Paradise Towers, and on Jake Clawson’s computer screen, it just flashed up as a location of a cache of cards.

Jake eventually looked over at the computer screen. He saw the numbers coming in, and called for chance to get there.

“Cool. So how do we get it?”

“What do you mean?”

“How do we get to where the cards are? They’re in OUTER SPACE, remember?”

“No problem. The computer should be able to teleport us there. I’ve been doing an amazing amount of work on it.”

“THE COMPUTER?!?! TELEPORT!?!?! Now way. Uh-uh. I am NOT letting that bin of bolts take me through time and space, only to have it be unable to bring us back.

“Oh come on chance, don’t be a wuss. I can set it so that we can have it lock on to our DNA, and bring us back by remote control.”

“So we can trigger our own return if something goes wrong?”


“OK, but I’m still not totally sure about this.”

“Believe me, everything is going to be all right.”

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ \/\/\ Chapter Three-Kangpin /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ \/\/\

“Remember the kang. Her colour was yellow. She was brave, bold, and best kang she could be.”

The blue kangs were having a memorial ceremony for their fallen enemy comrad. They continued to chant as they walked around a symbolic fire, draped with yellow cloth. As they brought the ceremony to a close, they went off. A portal then opened, and Jake fell through, straight into the middle of the kangs.

“Who are you?” The kang inquired, blade to Jake’s throat.”

“Jake Clawson. And why the devil should you care?”

“I think he’s a spy. A spy for the red kangs.”

“Red Kangs? What the hell’s going on here?”

“He claims ignorance, yet he is a stranger and yet he is clad in blue. Let us return him to the brainquarters.”

“What are brainquarters…?”

“Take him.”

The blue kangs grabbed Jake, and he quickly kicked down the ones in front of him, turning around to do the same to the ones in back. As he did, he dis and relocated his shoulder, allowing him to bring his then tied hands around from his back to his front. As he brought them around, he conked a kang on the head, allowing him to be able to escape. He took off like a shock.

In a different area of the building, a similar event was happening with Chance and the Red Kangs. However, when he tried to escape from them, they caught him and brought him down, taking him to their place of home, their brainquarters.

{A note on my part: The brainquarters are where the kangs live, plan, etc. each colour of kang has their own brainquarters. There are 3 colours: red, blue, and yellow. There is one yellow kang left, and we don’t see her here, and she dies in the beginning of paradise towers. Just letting you know.}

The brainquarters were very similar to a military barracks: rows of bunks, stuff in foot lockers and strewn about. Chance felt worried for his life, yet the surroundings were very familiar in their own way.

Jake was racing through the halls. Eventually he realized he was safe and stopped. He rested against a wall, and used a claw to cut the ropes that tied his paws together. He heard someone coming, and hid in a side hallway. He hit his head on something, but the person was getting too close for him to do anything about it. The person was in a stiff uniform gray uniform, including a hat that was gray too, except for the brim, and his boots which were both polished shiny black. Jake thought of the enforcers, and thought “This guy is too much of a bozo to know any better”, however he still hid in the wings.

“Caretaker #349. Caretaker #349. Reported death in corridor Alpha-673. Investigating, out.”

“This is 349. Understood. Out.”

The man walked away, and Jake was safe. He found out what he hit his head on: A box. On the box was a picture of a sword, and a message. The box read: Beware…Dangerous times lie within the Arabian Nights.

Jake opened the box, and found cars inside. He pushed a button on his keychain, and disappeared, to wind up in the salvage yard back home.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ \/\/\ Chapter Four-Chance and Company /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ \/\/\

In the brainquarters, Chance was being grilled, and his brain was fried. He remembered the recall that Jake had given him, and figured that it would be able to get him home and out of this mess. He pushed the button with all his might, sending the button and holder into various pieces. He was now stranded in a strange place, with lots of strange young women.

Meanwhile, Jake set his new set of cards down, and checked out the computer. It still showed a set of cards at paradise towers. He also noticed that Chance wasn’t available for retrieval anymore. Realizing that Chance probably needed a ton of help, Jake grabbed his retriever, and set off to rescue his pal.

Back in the towers, the red kangs were asleep, and Chance saw his opportunity to escape. Running for the elevator door, he wished he had Jake’s flexibility, and proceeded to get in the elevator and escape.

Jake landed and found himself near a large quantity of red kangs. One of them pointed a knife at Jake’s temple, and nearly stuck it straight through.

“Look, Sisters-Another One! It looks like this one belongs to the blue kangs. Maybe we should return him-In a box!”

“Whoah, Easy, now. I don’t want to hurt you…” said Jake, trying to slowly step away and not get killed trying to escape.

“This one’s more of a target, sisters.” A red kang snuck behind him, and Jake was boxed in. There was only one direction he could go: Up.

He jumped, and was able to get his claws in the ceiling. Using his SWATKat wizard ablilities, he grabbed one of his new cards and summoned up a Serendib Djinn {a 5/6 flying creature}, a distraction that fortunately worked, as he spidered his way across the room and escaped the area, pulling the djinn into the card, and taking off, running through the halls with a kang scouting party behind him.

Chance, meanwhile, was going up and down for various legnths in the elevator, and he was getting kind of nauseated along the way. The elevator stopped, and he took advantage of the situation to get out. The display read ‘basement’ and Chance walked forward, being very careful of where he went. He wished Jake was with him, because Jake always had the cool gadgets and stuff needed to get out of any kind of sticky situation. Chance kept walking, and soon heard a deep, low, growl, and went back to the topsy turvy elevator. With any luck, he would run into

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ \/\/\ Chapter Five-Jake, Tea, and the spewing devil /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ \/\/\

Jake went through the halls and managed to elude the kangs. He used his teleporter control to summon up a backpack, which was filled with tools and a bunch of cans of nitro-9, for which he was grateful that ace had taught him how to make when she was there fighting the daleks. He went on for a while and ran across a couple of old ladies.

“Hello. Can we help you? Perhaps you’d like a cup of tea.”

“Thank you, but now, I’ve got to find my friend.”

“Nonsense. Come in. come in.”

Jake went in, and was directed to sit down, which he did, and they gave him a cup of strong sweet tea, and an ultra-fattening chocolate cream cake. He thanked them, and they had a nice conversation:

‘So, what brings you to our area of the building? We don’t get many visitors here.” Said the first lady.

“I was running from a group of kangs.”

“Oh, they’re nasty girls. You’d never see THEM coming in and sitting down for tea.” Said the second lady.

“yes, well. I must thank you for your hospitality, but I realy do need to go find my friend.”

“nonsense. It’s far too dangerous out there to go looking for someone. Stay here.”

“I’m afraid I can’t do that…”

Jake began backing towards the door, and the ladies started coming in towards him. All of a sudden, someone shot the door down.

“Are these old ladies bothering you?”

“Not really.”

“Are you bothering these old ladies?”

“no…who the hell are you?”

“I’m pex, protector of paradise towers.”

“Pex, really. That’s the fourth door you’ve broken this week. It’s really getting to be a bother.”


Jake took advantage of the moment to say “thanks for tea, I’ll be back some other time.”

“Bye…” the old ladies said, knowing he’d be back.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ \/\/\ Chapter Six-Running the whole place down /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ \/\/\

Chance started racing through the halls. Huffing and puffing, he was in pursuit by a giant cleaning robot, and found something in the hall that he could use: a vending machine. Punching it, he got a can of fizzy lemonade, and the machine said “share and enjoy”, and he knew that he could. He lifted the machine and threw it at the robot, hitting the target exactly. The robot pierced the machine and cans of drink, and in effect, sparking and getting rusted, and eventually blowing up. Cans of soda and coins were thrown everywhere. One of the cans he noticed didn’t have soda in it. It was clear, and held cards. The can had a message:

In a time, magical items were common. Now many have been lost, and the time has come to return to the time of the antiquities.

Chance was now in a rush to get out: he had the cards, now where the hell was Jake?

The answer to Chance’s question, although he didn’t know it, was that Jake had run into some caretakers, and was now trying unsuccessfully to flee. Remembering the backpack he was carrying, he grabbed a can of nitro-9. Armed, he decided that he might not be able to run far enough away. He prepped the nitro for use. All of a sudden, Jake realized that he had reached a dead end. There was an elevator behind him, and Jake pushed the call button. He heard the gears grinding, and as the caretakers come closer, he heard the elevator getting nearer and nearer to his destination. Soon enough, though, he was trapped.

“You’re coming with us.” Said one of the caretakers.

“I don’t think so,” said Jake, clutching the can of nitro-9 in front of him, “not unless you want to be arguing with a can of deodorant that registers nine on the richter scale.”

“You’re bluffing.”

At that time, the elevator opened, and at exactly the same time, Jake threw the can of nitro-9 at the caretakers, stepping in. The caretakers shot at jake, and as they almost hit him, pex came running up. The doors closed just as the nitro-9 went off.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ \/\/\ Chapter Seven-Abi’s Chapter /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ \/\/\

Ring. Ring. Ring. “you’ve reached the Megakat City Salvage yard and garage. We’re not in right now, so please leave your name, location, and phone number that we can reach you at, and we’ll give you a tow as soon as possible. Thanks, bye.”

“Hi, Jake? It’s abi. Call me when you get back, we need to talk and plan and stuff. You have my phone number, talk to me when you get back, bye.”

“where the heck is he?” wondered abi. “nothing is going on, no evil supervillain is attacking, nothing. I guess I shouldn’t be so paranoid. He’s probably just out on a towing call, or getting some stuff at the store. It’s not like he can be in outer space or something, can he?”

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ \/\/\ Chapter Eight-yes he can /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ \/\/\

In the elevator, Jake was worried that he might actually have hurt someone with that nitro. And didn’t someone run up just as it was going off? Jake dismissed the thought as paranoia, and carried on without further ado.

Near the area of Jake, Chance heard the nitro going off, and knew that it was jake’s handiwork. He was getting close. The hunt was on!

The elevator stopped, and as jake walked aroung and hid a lot, he saw that the place was crawling with caretakers. All the caretakers went to the side, and a cleaner came after them. Jake took advantage of the situaition, and grabbed a card.

“BRONZING POT! {this is a card that I made up. It’s a mono artifact, sacrifice to make target creature become a wall. All abilities are lost, power becomes zero}

Jake threw the card at the cleaner, which became a mass of bronze, and stopped moving. Although he saved himself and many other people, it alerted many of the caretakers to his position.

“You’re coming with us!” said one of the caretakers, as he grabbed Jake’s arms, and another one gave Jake a sedative, which didn’t work as well as they thought, as Jake was pumped so full of adrenaline that when you added in his partial time-lordedness, that it essentially failed to work. Grabbing something out of his bag, he found his magic baseball bat, and used it to hit a caretaker on the head. Using some nitro-9 to his advantage, he set a can on short fuse, and rolled it into the middle of the room, and taking the elevator down. As the elevator reached the bottom, Jake counted “2…1…” and the can exploded, collapsing the floor above him. This forced the caretakers down to his level, where ost of them said that they wouldn’t go down there. The problem was that they were brainwashed into following a little gray rulebook, and the book said follow all suspects and problems, and when the chief cartaker showed up, down the hole in the floor they went. By that time, however, Jake had already left the floor and was far away.

Back in his office, the chief caretaker was angry at the news of Jake’s escape.

“Well, I don’t care if he DID blow up another floor, I want you to FIND HIM!”

Jake rounded a corner and saw an old lady there. She grabbed him into the apartment, and shouted to her roommate “Look who’s come back!”

“Jake.” They both said. This time, though, Jake threw all chivalry and formalities out the window, and tapped the woman’s hand that was holding on to him with the baseball bat, and bolted out the door, escaping off into more halls, never to be seen by them again.

As Chance turned the corner, Jake turned at the other end of the hall. They reached each other, and Jake pushed the button on his recall, to find out it wouldn’t work.

“What the hell? It worked before.”

“The author wants you to perform some mindless violence in a useless scene that he’s venting his anger through.”

“Oh. OK.”

With that, a cleaning robot appeared, and Jake took advantage of the oppurtunity to get some Nitro-9 and blast it off the face of the planet, which he did. The roar and the flames of the explosion told him that he had some good nitro. He heard people stepping…he found tED tURNER, the guy from aCE bOOKS that turned DJ Clawson’s novel down, the guy from fIRST dATA rESOURCES that fired Davros, and the author’s algebra and former english teachers. Jake saw the pure evil in them, and grabbed the bat with glee. He screamed loudly, and hit the algebra teacher first, causing death and severe injuries. After that, he took a stand against corporate crime, and beat the guy from fDR to a pulp. Then it was aCE bOOK’s turn, and the guy died painfully by having his skull broken, and his brains scattered over the floor. tED shuddered, and stepped back. Jake threw some nitro-9 at tED who promptly grabbed it and said “I’m good enough to play on my atlanta braves.” Jake smiled, and the nitro blew tED up. Within seconds, the english teacher got blown up too, as Jake left a nitro-9 wrapped up in a paper about the scarlet letter for her {ghastly novel. NEVER READ THAT BOOK}. The two flashed back to the salvage yard. At the same time as they arrived home, a blue box with a flashing light on top appeared.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ \/\/\ Chapter Nine-Back in the yard /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/ \/\/\

Jake and Chance got home, cards in paws, and were ready for sleep. Jake checked the answering machine, and got Abi’s message. He called her back immediately.

“Yes? I know. Trust me, you don’t want to know. I know that, but you still don’t want to knw. Abi, I’m very tired right now, I really don’t want to get into this. YES, I AM aware that the wedding is only a few months away. I KNOW that your parents are paranoid-psycho-bible banging nuts. I’m fully aware of that. Look-We’ll deal with this later. ABI! PLEASE! I’ve been in outer space for the last 17 hours, fighting demonic cleaning machines and running away from punk gangs, and I’m really tired. Look-We’ll deal with this in the morning, OK? Yes? I love you too. Bye.”

“So how is she?”

“Tired, but crazy. Her parents have laid claim to planning the whole wedding. I have to go with her tomorrow to get them out of doing so. Remind me to make some more nitro-9 in the morning, I have a feeling I’ll need it. Maybe we can just sedate them for a few months…or keep them in rubber rooms and straight jackets for a while or something.”

“Yeah. G’night.”



To find out what happens in Paradise Towers after this story, watch the Doctor Who episode “Paradise Towers”. I think it’s out on home video. Either that, or bug the BBC, PBS, or whatever would show Doctor Who where you live to air it.

To find out what happens next in this serial, be sure to get part 3: Myths and Fairy tales, written by Jade F. Callan. Part 4 will be written by Nicholas Ball. I’ll be back for part 5.


Written by: P.I.Hackle SWATKats created by: The Tremblay Brothers Magic: The Gathering created by: Richard Garfield, Wizards of the Coast Paradise Towers created by: I forgot, look it up in a doctor who episode guide Edited by: djclawson email me at: pihackle@hotmail.com email dj at: djclawson@garden.net

Stay demented everybody, see you in whenever, P.I.hackle

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