Original SWAT Kats Story

So Sue Me

By Nick Ball

  • 1 Chapter
  • 3,913 Words

This is a spoof of a particular genre of fanfiction known as Mary-Suism.

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Author's Notes:

SWAT Kats: The Radical Squadron

“So Sue Me” by Nicholas ‘Conformity is all I ask!’ Ball

Advancing Backwards/Retreating Forwards: No friendly greeting this time. No explanation as to what may lay ahead. No gratuitous quoting from Platinum Grit. None of that. Only a small piece of advice, which may or may not be helpful – “Take no prisoners and shoot the wounded”. Now get out there, soldier, we have a war to win. -Nick Ball.

“So Sue Me”

JULY 17

This is terrible! A calamity! I was awoken from a suspiciously sound sleep this morning at 3:37 am to the sound of a terrible hiatus coming from my lab. I dressed quickly, but, alas, arrived too late to find that one of my subjects – Subject 37-N – has escaped from his cage/detainment facility, and was freely walking in the streets of MegaKat City! The authorities have been alerted, and are currently searching for him based on the description I gave them, but I don’t think that it will be enough.

I will have to go after him myself.

– Excerpt from the diary of DJ Clawson

***********************

The kat walked down the street, brushing down his neat new clothes. Anything was better than one of those godawful straight jackets. And not just from the fashion perspective, although beige did look terrible on him, but also that he could now freely move his arms.

The kat picked a red apple up from the pavement stall of the grocer and walked on. He casually took a bite, then tossed the rest of the apple over his shoulder. An elderly man, sporting an apron, ran out onto the pavement from the store. “Hey! Stop, thief! You pay for that!” he called after the departing stranger.

The kat walked on, and pushed another tomkat who was walking towards him with his shoulder. “Hey!” the tomkat called after him, leaning on a parked car.

“Outta my way, Extra” Mick Balle muttered, and crossed the road without looking.

***********************

JULY 18

Several misdemeanors have been reported as occuring at various sites in the city, most of which have been done by a kat who answers the description of the one I have been looking for. In crime terms, they are only ‘small’ things, such as telling fibs, stepping on cracks and overdue library books, but this is only indicative of the quiet before the storm. The Enforcers continue their Priority One kathunt, and I have been doing some research of my own, to see if there is some sort of pattern that appears to have emerged from this ‘random’ set of events. Marking the sites on a standard city map, they appear to be making a straight line for the center of the city – where the Enforcer Headquarters and City Hall are located. I mostly refuse to act on ‘whims’, as was recommended to me by physicist John Gribbin – “Always believe your observations, not your theories (no matter how near they may be to your heart) if the two are in conflict”, but in this case, I shall make an exception. Tomorrow, I will go to MegaKat City Hospital.

– Excerpt from the diary of DJ Clawson

*********************

“Very well then, Dr Clawson” the nurse at the front desk said “you may enter, though I will have to take your coat. It’s because of the security risk with that lunatic in the city”

“I wouldn’t call him a lunatic” Dr Clawson said, handing her her coat, “it’s a very simple and dangeous mistake that he wants us to make”

Dr Jacob Clawson walked off into the Emergency Ward, and another kat approached the desk.

“Hello” he said.

“Oh my God..you’re..you’re him”

“I think you’ll find I’m not him at all”

“No..you’re you!”

“Correct, I am, indeed, myself. And I wouldn’t touch that alarm button if I were you. Which I’m not, since we have already established that I am myself”

The nurse drew her paw back from under the table.

“What do you want?” she asked, in fear.

“Oh..not much really. Happiness would be nice. A nice job. Immortality”

“I..I-” she stammered.

“Oh! You mean, ‘what do I want from you?’. Well, let me see..” Mick pondered, leaning on the desk as he thought…

************************

JULY 20

That fiend has trapped me in a time dilation! He must have got my coat from the nurse at the front desk – the “Groundhog Device” which he used to do so was in one of its pockets. Not to worry, I think I know a way out of this….

– Excerpt from the diary of DJ Clawson

***********************

“We’ve got a serial shabby dresser on our hands!” the Enforcer barked into his radio.

“Pardon?” came the reply, masked in static.

“Someone’s gone around knocking people unconscious and dressing them in ill-fitting and unfashionable clothes! I’ve found three victims already, dammit!!”

“Calm down, Officer! What is the nature of these victims?” the radio instructed.

“Oh God..one of them was wearing neon green flares..another had.. paisley..and..and..a DNKY T-shirt”

“Hahahaha!!! Soon you’ll all be like me!!!” an victim, already driven insane yelled hysterically in the background. Two Paramedics ran to sedate him.

“I have confiscated two personal stereo devices already ..they.. they were playing ..rap” the Enforcer broke down.

“Remain calm! It is-”

“Oh my God!! They’ve got the paramedics! The victims have taken the paramedics! Need urgent backup! God, they’re making them wear happy pants!! Mayday! Do you read me??”

“Officer! Pull out! Style Squad is on the way!” “One of them’s coming for me! Oh God…she’s wearing pink..hold it right there! Or I’ll be forced to-”

There was the sound of gunshots, and then silence.

“Officer? Officer! Please respond! Officer?!” the radio implored, but to no avail.

**********************

JULY 21

That fiend has trapped me in a time dilation! He must have got my coat from the nurse at the front desk – the “Groundhog Device” which he used to do so was in one of its pockets. Not to worry, I think I know a way out of this….

– Excerpt from the diary of DJ Clawson

*********************

“This is Ann Gora reporting with the News at Six. Yesterday, an Enforcer fired 3 shots at Deputy Mayor Callico Briggs. Fortunately, the bullets were head-shots, and were deflected by Miss Briggs’ hair, leaving no persons injured. The Enforcer was admitted to MegaKat City Hospital in a case of severe shock and desire to wear shirts displaying phrases such as “I’m With Stupid” and “If You Can Read This, You Don’t Need To”. It is believed that this case is connected with Mick Balle, also known as the Angel of Cordial, and his continued presence in the city…and I’m so bloody glad! Mick? Can you hear me? I have been so GODDAMN BORED reporting about everytime Mayor Manx opens some new venture just so some evil person can take it over, and the SWAT Kats come along, save eveyone in the city, make Feral look like a goombah, and make us all feel so bloody content! I’m sick of it all – and I-”

“TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES – PLEASE REMAIN ON THIS CHANNEL”

Commander Feral looked sadly at Ann Gora as she was dragged away, laughing maniacally.

“Poor she-kat” he muttered, and turned back to the other Enforcers.

“Kats, we have reached stage 4. And we still have that fugitive on our paws. What I want out of each and every one of you is a hard target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, inhouse, outhouse and dawg house in this area. Your fugitive’s name is Mick Balle. Go get him”

*********************

JULY 22

That fiend has trapped me in a time dilation! He must have got my coat from the nurse at the front desk – the “Groundhog Device” which he used to do so was in one of its pockets. Not to worry, I think I know a way out of this….

– Excerpt from the diary of DJ Clawson

********************* Fourteen LHX Stealth Helicopters reached the City Limit of MegaKat City. The did not, officially, exist, and neither did the vast canisters of toxin they had on board, which was fortunate, because if anyone knew about them there’d be a hell of an enquiry.

“Switching to Stealth Mode”

“Roger that”

The blades silently cut through the air, and the helicopters glided by MegaKat City Observatory unnoticed.

“Fellow Kats,” the leader spoke gravely into his radio “we have a duty to perform today. A duty which will decide the fate of the nation. None of us have to like what we’re going to do, but we still have to do it. Sometimes the most bravest heroes in the entire course of history have gone unnoticed. I hope today that we may fill their ranks. Prepare for Operation Purge”

“Ready”

“Commence spraying on my command..3..2..1..go”

Thousands of feet below, a kat looked up to the sky.

“Bright and sunny, my tail. Those weather forecasters wouldn’t know rain if it bit them”

“Operation Purge is go” the leader stated.

“And may God have mercy on our immortal souls” an unknown pilot muttered.

**********************

JULY 23

That fiend has trapped me in a time dilation! He must have got my coat from the nurse at the front desk – the “Groundhog Device” which he used to do so was in one of its pockets. Not to worry, I think I know a way out of this….

– Excerpt from the diary of DJ Clawson

*********************

“Outta my way, Jack!” the taxi-driver yelled to the kat standing in the center of the intersection.

“Aw, bite me, Extra!” Mick yelled back.

“Hey! You wanta piece of me?”

“No, but I’m willing to take one!”

“Yeah? Come on then” the taxi driver said, as he took his seat belt off.

The driver got out of the vehicle and slammed his door, before walking to the obstructive kat, as he rolled up a sleeve.

“We’ve found him, Commander Feral” the Enforcer said, looking out the helicopter window through binoculars.

“Move in on my word” Commander Feral reported into his radio without emotion.

“Aye, sir”

*********************

JULY 24

Have found the nature of the dilation, and have written a note to warn myself of it. I have arranged it so that I will get the note before Subject 37-N enters the ward, giving me ample time to arrange a safe way out of all of this…

– Excerpt from the diary of DJ Clawson

********************

Mick ducked under the taxi-driver’s left hook.

“You talkin’ to me?” he said as he moved.

“Hold still, dammit!” the driver roared.

“Are you talkin’ to me?”

“The only one who’s gonna talk to you is a goddamn priest when he says your last rites!” the taxi driver yelled, going for an upper cut.

“Then who are you talkin’ to? Huh? Hey, I asked you a question” Mick said, leaning back and easily avoiding the next hit.

“You’re going to get it now, buster”

The driver right-hooked Mick, causing him to fall back onto the bonnet of the taxi. Mick pushed himself off the car and wiped some blood from the corner of his mouth.

“Oh, you’ve mad me MAD” he snarled.

The driver shuffled on his feet, and signaled with his paw that he was ready to hit Mick again.

“Right – earlier on I was using SATIRE” he continued, gritting his teeth, “because there was a movie called ‘Taxi Driver’ that featured the quotes that I just told you – the taxi driver”

The driver repeated his previous action, more aggressively. Mick blinked, surprised that the taxi driver was unaffected.

“Did you hear what I just said?”

“Yeah, and yer not funny. Let’s fight again” the driver said.

“What??”

“Put yer dukes up”

“How about this, a story with heroes that are stone by day, and stone by night. They are..the ROCKS! See? It’s like Gargoyles, but they’re exactly the same at both day and night. They can’t move, so they’re useless. Get it?”

“Fight like a real kat, funny guy”

Mick grabbed the taxi driver by the shirt and desperately appealed to him.

“But..but..don’t you find any of this daunting? Annoying? How can you be unaffected?!?”

The taxi driver picked Mick up and threw him into the side of the taxi, before getting into it and driving off.

**********************

JULY 25

Today an orderly handed me a note in a messy hadwriting, almost as messy as my own, interestingly enough, but before I could decipher it, I was blasted from behind by Subject 37-N, who must have got my “Groundhog Device” from my lab coat, which he must have got from the nurse at the front desk of the hospital. I am now trapped in a time dilation, but I think I know a way out of this…

– Excerpt from the diary of DJ Clawson

**********************

“What’s wrong with you people? Can’t you comprehend what I’m telling you? Why aren’t you horrified when I tell you that none of these streets have traffic lights?”

“Freeze!” an Enforcer barked.

“A Freeze Is Coming!” Mick barked in his deep Austrian voice, but to no avail – it had no effect.

“Put your paws in the air!” another said, covering him.

“How about this, a Disney musical called ‘Apocalypso Now’?”

“You have the right to remain silent-”

“‘Strictly Platoon’?”

“If you choose to give up this right, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to attorney, and if you cannot afford said attorney, one will be provided for you at the city’s cost. You may have your attorney present during your interrogation and subsequent trial. Do you understand your rights?”

“What happened? Why isn’t anyone affected anymore?” Mick asked, waving his arms in confusion.

“We had the city sprayed,” Commander Feral said as he stepped forward from the crowd that had gathered, “with a chemical agent specially designed to combat you and your bizarre ways”

“What? No!”

“It’s over, Balle” Feral said, holding out a pair of pawcuffs.

“No, it’s not over,” Mick said, pulling out a copy of ‘Children Of The Stone’, “In this story, T-Bone’s ancestor is present during the Dark Ages – they should have named him Loin but, instead of Charon”

“Huh?” a Rookie Enforcer said.

“Because,” Mick continued, ignoring him, “he could be knighted and made SIR Loin. Geddit? Because it’s a type of steak, like T-Bone. Sirloin steak and T-Bone steak, they’re related, see?”

Most of the crowd blinked and muttered, and Commander Feral jingled the pawcuffs.

“Fine,” spat Mick, “I see”

“Game over” Lieutenant Feral said, raising a net-launcher.

“Au contraire, mon chere ami,” Mick said, reaching into his jacket for a name sticker, “the game has just begun”

*****************************

JULY 26

Will try printing note instead.

– Excerpt from the diary of DJ Clawson

******************************

Commander Feral walked up to Mick Balle. He was of considerably great height, and towered over Mick like a big towery thing. Mick looked up to him and smiled.

“Yes, Commander Feral, what would you like?”

“I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re the most incredibly wonderful person to ever grace the surface of this plant, sir”

“Do you now?” Mick continued, allowing his grin to widen further. “So, you don’t want to, say, arrest me or anything?”

“Oh goodness gracious me no, I think you’re amazingly great”

Mick picked up a rock and threw it at Mayor Manx’s limosine. It smashed the back window, and Mayor Manx got out, rubbing a bump on his head.

“Who smashed my window? Someone’s in deep trouble!”

“I did, Mayor Manx” Mick said, waving.

“Oh, well that’s alright then. In fact, it’s more than good. It’s fantastic. Would you please do it again?”

Mick paused, as if deep in thought.

“No, I won’t”

“Darn. Would you please do me the honour of being Mayor instead of me? I think you’re just so amazingly fantastic and great”

“Yes, be the Mayor!” the crowd yelled.

In the distance, car smashes were heard as she-kats, driven to primal acts of lust, made desperate beelines for Mick’s general direction.

“Well…maybe” Mick said.

“Oh, please!” Miss Briggs said, running up to him, “I’ll be your Deputy Mayor!”

“Oh, what the hell, I’ll be Mayor” Mick said, shrugging.

“Yay!” the crowd yelled. “Can we have sex now? I think you’re amazingly fantastic” Miss Briggs said.

“Hmm” Mick pondered again, as a man stepped from the crowd.

“Me too!” he yelled.

“Sorry, I’m not gay” Mick said.

“Oh, well that’s okay, neither am I. I just thought that you were so amazingly wonderful that I’d give it a shot” Mick turned back to Miss Briggs “And as to what you were goi-”

“Freeze, Mick! You’re going down!”

“Well, well, well, if it isn’t the SWAT Kats” Mick said.

“Stay away, SWAT Kats, that’s our new Mayor, and we all think that he’s incredibly wonderful and perfect” Commander Feral warned.

“What are you, nuts?” T-Bone said.

“Something like that” Mick said, moving his paw so that they could see his previously hidden nametag.

****************

JULY 27

Successfully escaped time dilation.

– Excerpt from the diary of DJ Clawson

*****************

“T-Bone, I think I should tell you something”

“What is it, Razor?”

“My real name isn’t Jake Clawson. It’s Jake Balle. You see, I’m Mick’s older brother”

“What?” T-Bone said, barely comprehending what he heard.

“He was always better than me, T-Bone, and I decided that my merely protecting a city would bring down the family name that he had lived up to so well by just being so amazingly fantastic in general, so I changed my surname to Clawson”

“Gee…I say we stop being SWAT Kats all together now. With Mick around, and with him being so wonderfully perfect, we’re not needed”

“Bingo and roger that, buddy”

“Mick…I’m afraid I’m going to have to stop you now. What you’re doing is terrible” a voice from the crowd said. Mick spun around and saw the she-kat step from the multitude of dedicated followers.

“DJ Clawson. I thought I dealt with you”

“Mick…just give in, don’t make me do this” Clawson said, taking out a pistol.

“Hah! Try me! Don’t you know I’m immortal, you fool?”

“No-one is immortal, except in death”

“My God! This poor kat’s just had a heart attack and needs urgent surgery!” someone yelled.

“Excuse me,” Mick said, picking up a sharp piece of the glass from Manx’s window. He walked over and performed the necessary operation, before walking back to face DJ Clawson, surrounded by cheers from his many supporters. “Now, what were we talking about?”

“Goodbye, Mick, this has to be done”

“Have your best shot”

The liquid shot out of Dr Clawson’s water-pistol, and liberally coated and doused the name tag. Mick shrieked and looked down, but then looked up and smiled at Clawson.

“Clever..but not clever enough. I wrote in waterproof pen”

The label slowly peeled off and fluttered to the ground.

“This is adhesive solvent” DJ Clawson said, gesturing to the water pistol.

The people in the crowd slowly re-entered their previous levels of consciousness and identity. Some began to boo, others hiss. Commander Feral picked up his pawcuffs off the ground.

“What? Nooo!” Mick howled, and tried to stick the useless label onto his jacket again, to no avail.

“You’re under arrest, Mick” Commander Feral said, placing the pawcuffs on the disturbed tomkat.

“I can’t believe we offered to quit being SWAT Kats” T-Bone said, rubbing his head, trying to get rid of a terrible headache.

“I can’t believe I offered to make him Mayor” Mayor Manx said, examining his broken car window more closely. “And I can’t believe I..I..I think I’m going to be sick” Miss Briggs said, and ran off holding her stomach.

Commander Feral turned to face DJ Clawson as the divvy van took Mick Balle, the infamous Angel Of Cordial, away.

“Thank you, Doctor” Commander Feral said, and shook his paw.

Clawson picked up the label from the ground. It said ‘Hello! My name is Mary Sue’.

“All in day’s work” DJ said, and walked off, allowing the label to be carried off on a breeze that was headed somewhere far, far away…

**********************

Epilogue:

The first casualty of Mary Suism is identity, the second is cause. It’s understandable that one wishes the control promised by playing the role of Mary Sue – control is desire, and who wants to be victim to the fates and destiny? Wheels have been set in motion, and they have their own pace to which we are condemned. Each move is dictated by the previous one – that is the meaning of order. If we start being arbitrary it’ll just end in chaos and anarchy; or at least, let us hope so. Because if we happened, just happened to discover, or even suspect, that our spontaneity was a part of their order, we’d know that we were lost.

And who’d return the overdue videos then?

– Excerpt from the diary of DJ Clawson –

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