Original SWAT Kats Story

Let’s Get Biblical

By Nick Ball

  • 1 Chapter
  • 1,353 Words

Jake and Chance, while grocery shopping, run into a highly misunderstood Jew.

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Author's Notes:

Prenote: I’m sick and tired of being antagonised as to having no original ideas of my own, and that all I do is ‘suck the blood’ of other’s writer’s hard efforts in a matter fit only of a leach or parasite. This is in no way true at all, and there are absolutely no basis whatsoever for these claims. Any simularities between my Road Trip series (and Pseudon’t) and a particular Australian comic book are purely coincidential. All my ideas are 100% mine, and are never based on any other person’s works. Anyway, without further ado, onto the story…

SWAT Kats: The Radical Squadron

“Let’s Get Biblical” by Nicholas “Burning at the stake right now” Ball

Part One – “Genesis”

Jake walked into the center of the hangar and put his shopping down onto the small coffee table in front of him.

“Chance!” he called.

“Yes, Jake? What is it?” Chance said, walking in.

“Chance, I feel spiritually unfulfilled. And I don’t know what I can do about it”

“Neither do I, buddy. Let’s go shopping” Chance said, and walked out the door with Jake, like the pagan he was. Little did he know that he was going to burn in the fires of HELL for his impurity. He was akin to the sins of the world, and had not accepted the love of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ into his life.

Part Two – “All The Other Books In The Old Testament”

“Price check on aisle four, price check on aisle four!”

“So, what do we need, buddy?” Jake the heretic asked.

“I’ll tell you what you need. You need the love of God” Jesus said, approaching thier trolley.

“Who are you?” Chance asked skeptically, and continued, “and if the ‘love of God’ is so important, then why isn’t it down here on my list with the bread and pimpo beans?”

“Chance”, laughed Jesus, “the love of God isn’t material, you can’t just go and BUY it..in fact, it’s free!”

“Really?” Jake asked.

“Yep, I’m the son of God”

“Oh, no you’re not” the two tomkats said, folding their arms.

“Sure I am, I’ll even prove it to you, you doubting Thomas’s. Go on, test me”

“Umm..okay. If you, God and the Holy Spirit are all one and the same as you claim, then why did you spend so long on earth praying to God if you were him?” Jake said, holding a paw out.

“….ask me to do a miracle” Jesus said.

“Okay. Go walk on that water over there” Chance dared, pointing to a large, nearby fountain.

“Easy” Jesus said. He walked through the busy crowd and stood up on the edge of the fountain. He spread His arms out by His side, turned around to face Jake and Chance, and smiled. He then stepped backwards and sunk to His waist in water.

“Ha ha – nice one, ‘Messiah’!” Jake said, and carried his shopping off to the car, with a laughing Chance in his wake.

“Crap”, Jesus said, “I guess I didn’t have these holes in my feet when I tried this the first time”

Part Three – “Interval”

“You know, I’m pretty sure I know what I’m doing here” Nick said, walking down Aisle 7 – Cereals and Condiments, “and by ‘doing here’, I mean, by writing this story of course. I am the author, if you hadn’t guessed by now”

“What are you doing here?” Jesus asked, distracted from reading the ingredients list of a pack of ‘Wheat Chaff’.

“Well, Jesus, I’ve got a contractual obligation to appear for at least 10 lines in any story I write”

“That sounds like a case of self-love, or the deadly sin of Pride. My son, I-”

“Excuse me? I’m trying to explain to the people out there that I’m really quite a respectful and religious person, and that such sacriledge is done in the best possible taste for-”

“Sacriledge and blasphemy are never done in good taste”

“The best possible taste for writing purposes that-” Nick continued, shaking his head and walking on.

“And when was the last time you went to Church, anyway? If you’re so religious, then how come you only went about 4 times last year, and not even on Christmas, which was my BIRTHDAY by the way and you didn’t seem t-”

“Goddamnit”

“I heard that” Jesus said.

“Look, I’m just trying to-”

“I died on the cross for you sins, you know. I got up there and-”

“Aaargh! Will you please shut up?! I’m trying to respect you and say that I’m really very…very…”

“Heretic?”

“Heretic! Yeah!… No! Now I’ve forgotten what I was going to say…”

“Blessed is he who-”

“Oh, to hell with this” Nick frowned, “can’t say I didn’t try” He walked out of the shopping aisle “Can’t say I didn’t try…”

Part Four – “New Testament, the exploitative cash-in sequel”

Jesus held the hem of His white gown as He turned around to continue on with His duties, only to hear a female voice behind Him.

“Demon..I know who you are”

“Excuse me, my child?” Jesus said, facing her.

“I possess the same powers that you do, but mine are the holy power of good, rather than that of evil, and you must pay for your evil”

“Evil?? What evil? I’m not evil!” Jesus stated, indignantly.

“I will cleanse you with my Christian good! Sparkly Jesus power!”, she yelled, as a multicoloured tiara materialised on her head, with a large crystal sword by her side.

“HOW did you do that??” Jesus said, aghast.

“Yaaaa!” she yelled in reply, and, leaping forward, ran Him through. Jesus fell back to the ground gasping.

“You are afraid of my holiness” she said, staning over Him.

“You stabbed me! Aaargh! Why have you forsaken me, father?”

“You see Demon, the power of good triumphs always in the love and Christian power of God” she said, resheathing her sword that disappeared.

“I need some sort of urgent medical attention! Where’s a miracle when you need it?” Jesus said, holding His chest, as she walked away. “And,” He continued, “how come *I* can’t do that?”

Part Five – “That Spooky Revelations Chapter”

Jesus looked weakly up from His hosspital bed at the two tomkats in front of Him. It was Jake and Chance, now dressed as their alternate selves, Razor and T-Bone.

“Are you okay?” Razor inquired.

“What happened?” Jesus asked weakly.

“We were doing our shopping when we discovered you, lying there. We rushed you here as soon as possible. It looks like you made it here, just in time” T-Bone commented gravely.

“My Saviour” Jesus muttered darkly, and paused. The long silence was eventually broken by Razor.

“You know, buddy, I learnt an important thing today about religion”

“What’s that, Sureshot?” T-Bone replied.

“I’ve learned that…true religion really lies in your heart, deep within the inner reaches of the soul. You see, T-Bone, true religion is about spiritual harmony, and the external ‘acts’ and ‘rights of passages’ of religion are not so much rituals to be performed as a sign of identification with your own particular religion, but as a sign of one’s commitment to advancement towards their own ‘collective whole’, and reaching the true peace of mind and soul that comes with ‘sspiritual fulfillment’, isn’t that right, Jesus?”

“Forget Christianity” Jesus said, standing up and wobbling slightly by the side of His bed as he took His crutches, “I’m becoming a Buddist now”

Both the SWAT Kats watched as Jesus hobbled out of the ward.

“…Funny” said Razor, after awhile, “I would have thought He’d have made a better ‘born again Christian’….”

The End of ‘The Not So Greatest Story Ever Told’

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