Original SWAT Kats Story

FAQ Kat

By Nick Ball

  • 1 Chapter
  • 1,743 Words

If the SWAT Kats ever got around to answering all those questions we always had about them…

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Author's Notes:

Yes, it’s about time that the FAQ’s were answered, and who better to answer them than the SWAT Kats themselves? Oh, I’m Nick Ball from Australia, by the way (bennett@acay.com.au) SWAT Kats: The Radical Squadron

The lights come up and we see that we are in the hangar. A couch is in the center of the garage. Razor sits on the couch at one end. He has his SWAT Kat suit on, but his helmet and mask are off. T-Bone cannot be seen.

Razor: Oh, hello there! It’s me, Razor, of the SWAT Kats, here to answer all of your Frequently Asked Questions.

T-Bone stumbles into the background. He is in full SWAT Kat gear, and has the mask & helmet on also. He holds his arms out in front of him.

T-Bone: I can’t see! Help me, Razor!

He walks into a small table. It falls over and breaks. T-Bone trips and lands next to the couch. Razor leans over and helps him up onto the couch.

T-Bone: I can’t see, Razor!

Razor: Yes, you can. Take that stupid helmet off.

He removes his helmet and his mask. His eyes are no longer all-white, so they look normal.

T-Bone: Oh, THERE my eyes are. (aside) I wonder how Batman manages…

Razor: Anyway, let’s get onto the letters! (picks up a letter) Here’s one! “Dear SWAT Kats, how do your glovatrixes work?” Well, our glovatrixes really aren’t that complex. You see, it works on a series of wrist muscles and actions. Flex one way and you let off a gas cartridge, bend another way and you release mini-Buzz saws. It’s that simple.

T-Bone: You know, once I was signing an autograph for someone and I incapacitated a whole street full of innocent civilians…

Razor: We were meant to keep that incident quiet, T-Bone.

T-Bone: We were? What about the time when you were trying to get that bit of grit out of your eye and you destroyed that entire block full of…no?

Razor: No.

T-Bone: Oh. Well… that never happened, people out there, okay? There is no proof that any of that ever –

Razor: We get the picture, buddy. Look at this letter – “Dear Razor, have you ever considered using a missile to blow something up? The amount of contraptions that come out of them in place of a normal explosive charge is ludicrous” Ludicrous? How can you say that? Why, only the other day I designed this, a missile designed to stop any foe!

T-Bone: How’s it work?

Razor: Well, you fire it at some bad Kat, and just before it hits him, this metallic arm pops out and gives him an envelope, which turns out to be a summons for jury duty on the O.J. Katson trial. THAT should keep him out of harm’s way for a few years, dontcha think?

T-Bone: (skeptical pause) You’ve been smelling the paint-thinner in the garage again, haven’t you? This letter is from France. It says – “Chere chats, Je veuz savoir si vous avez un sort de poisson qui vous preferez.” Well, I can’t read French, can you Razor?

Razor: Non, mon ami. Je ne peux pas parler ou lire le francais.

T-Bone: We can’t understand French, okay? So no more foreign letters! English only! (takes a letter up) Here’s one from Australia – Jeez! English, people! Write to us in English! (he goes to scrunch the letter up)

Razor: No, wait, T-Bone – I think they speak English in Australia.

T-Bone glances at the letter.

T-Bone: Hey, they CAN speak English! How quaint. It says – “Dear SWAT Kats, Is there such thing as a SWAT Kat comic or any other type of merchandise?”

They both look dumb-founded.

T-Bone: Is there?

Razor: I don’t know.

(If YOU know, please e-mail me at bennett@acay.com.au)

Razor: Moving on. “SWAT Kats, you both work together and live together, and there are no girly pictures on the walls. Are you….funny?” I think I understand what you mean. What we do is that we have a mirror in the hangar near the door, so that we don’t forget that we’re dressed up as the SWAT Kats when we try to live out our lives as Jake and Chance. You’d be surprised how many times I’ve nearly forgotten who I’m going by. Just as well Miss Briggs doesn’t have a visual monitor on her transmitter. And as to the comment “Are we funny?”, you’ll notice that we often exchange witty banter in the cartoon, usually putting Feral down – so we try to be funny.

T-Bone: Actually, Razor, I think he’s suggesting that we’re gay.

Razor: What?!? We’re not gay! How could you think that? T-Bone here loves Turmoil and Miss Briggs, whilst I revel in the fact that Miss Briggs likes me. And I like Feral’s niece too! Gay… Can’t believe it….

T-Bone: People are strange these days. Heck, they were always strange. But we’re not gay. Not that there’s anything wrong with it.

Razor: Hell, no. Just read another letter before we do the Seinfeld thing, okay?

T-Bone : Seinfeld thing?

Razor: “Not that there’s anything wrong with that…”

T-Bone: Oh, that! Sure thing. Anyway, you’ve got better intonation and clarity of voice, so you read the next letter. If, however, you want a crate of missiles carried, then I’ll do the obliging. Fair?

Razor: Sure is. Here goes – “Dear SK, Have guys ever fought each other?”

T-Bone: No, we’re the bestest of friends – in a straight manner.

Razor: Yeah, and I even think that if T-Bone here found out that I DIDN’T in fact eat that last mongo pepper, then he wouldn’t-

T-Bone: You didn’t eat the mongo pepper?!?! You lied! AAAARRRGHHH!!!

He pounces on Razor and strarts to throttle him.

Razor: We’ll (ak!) be right back (agh!) after (hlk!) these…messages. (Glk..can’t breathe!)

Cut to some commercials. When we get back, they are both sitting on the sofa. Razor rubs his neck whilst T-Bone nurses a bump on his head.

Razor: Our next letter, ol’ buddy and goodest friend T-Bone, who I’d NEVER fight with, goes as follows – “Dear SWAT Kats, how could you fit all those missiles and cars and stuff into the Turbo-Kat?” Well, Mr. Anonymous (you guys should write names on your letters), we’ve got a very organised filing system.

T-Bone: With all that extra weight, no wonder we run out of gas all the time.

Razor: I like it how we get a new weapon at the start of the show, which always comes in very handy.

T-Bone: Oh, you mean how we say “Hey, the new ____gun is going great!” and later on we come across a new creature that can only be stopped using the ____gun?

Razor: Yeah! Mind you, our glovatrixes weigh a ton, with all the ammo and weapons to them…

T-Bone: It’s like having a washing machine strapped to your arm. (aside) I wonder if Batman’s utility belt weighs as much as our glovatrices….it’d be a futility belt. Why don’t we just carry guns? A bullet would stop more than our little nets and…

Razor: You done?

T-Bone: Yes.

Razor: Anyway, we have one final letter here – it’s from a Dr. Vipen: “Dear SSSWAT Katsss, Whilsssst you were doing thisss lettersss ssection, I’ve used my mutationsss to take over MegaKat Sssssity. Have an Nice Domination”.

T-Bone: Hey, that’s not Dr. VipeN, that’s Dr. VipeR. It’s his messy handwriting.

Razor: Oh yeah! I didn’t know he wrote with his accent! That’s interesting and scary at the same time.

T-Bone: Well, I guess we’d better get out there.

Razor: Might as well. I wonder why Callie didn’t “beep” us.

T-Bone: I wonder why she doesn’t know our real identities, seeing as we speak to her as SWAT Kats and as mechanics on the phone all the time. She’d recognise our voices.

Razor: What gets me is that no-one has thought of using a pair of binoculars to see where the Turbo-Kat flies off to always. We’re just about the only people who live on this side of MegaKat city, and we’re the only guys with the approximate heights and weights of the SWAT Kats, so you think that even some of the duller citizens of this city would be able to put 2 and 2 together…

T-Bone: What about Feral? You think even he’d be able to see the wood for the trees. Heck, he spends all of his time looking at the bark.

Razor: That’s nothing to-

T-Bone: Razor?

Razor: Yes, l’il buddy?

T-Bone: Weren’t we meant to be doing something?

Cut to TV. On the screen we see a huge Dr. Viper smashing builings and laughing. Citizens (or is it Katizens?) run away, screaming.

Razor: Oh, yeah! Saving the city! Let’s go!

They put their masks and helmets on and run off. Razor leans back into the shot.

Razor: Oh, and thanks for watching! Keep sending us those letters and maybe that crazy git Nick will write another of these demeaning things!

He runs off after T-Bone.

And that’s it. The End. Thanks for listening, or at least for pretending to. Although, seriously, I’ve got plans for another one of these in the works, and I’d appreciate any e-mails with actual FAQ’s, (perhaps a FAQ the other SK FAQ’s refuse to acknowledge or answer), so I won’t have to answer my own questions, schizophrenic as I am. Or should that be “schizophrenic as we are”?

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