Hey thar, just been cruising the archive recently (there’s alot of undiscovered talent out there, you know. There’s also some stuff that might have been better left undiscovered also, if you know what I mean, but that’s just biased Ol’ Nick’s opinion…) and decided I might as well send you my latest thing now. I make a bit of an *(ahem)* reference to you in it at one stage, but hopefully it won’t offend. It’s very tongue in cheek. *grabs pen and scribbles title down* Anyway, where’s me washboard? Nick Ball SWAT Kats: The Radical Squadron
“A Very SWATTY Christmas” by Nicholas ‘Under the mistletoe’ Ball
Christmas Eve (an introduction of sorts):
Well, and so we’re all preparing for the highpoint of the festive season, and the saying of goodbye to 1997. The nice old Christmas trees, the decorative fairy lights and the abysmally bad shows on TV to mark the non-ratings period, it’s all there, and there’s just one word on all our minds – Christmas. The buying of gifts for some, the receiving of gifts from others, the returning of gifts to the store to exchange for a present that you’d actually like (Remember – “It’s the thought that counts, but it would have counted more if they’d thought”), all aside, it marks the highpoint when loved ones get together to celebrate the birth of Santa Claus. And then, we can all just sit back and relax, until late February, when we send out our belated Christmas cards and circulate the Yuletide spirit in an international bout of procrastination.
And on that high note, I’d like to wish you all a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Nicholas Ball 25.12.97
(Fade in on the exterior of MegaKat City Salvage Yard, where snow is abundant. Razor stands in mid-frame, making a snowman, as jingly little Christmas music plays in the background, and white snow drifts slowly downwards. Razor is in his SK gear, with a red scarf wrapped around his neck)
Razor: Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there. I’m Razor of the SWAT Kats, and welcome to the SWAT Kats Christmas Special!
(he puts a hat on the snowman and sticks a pipe in its mouth)
Razor: Here, come in out of the cold.. (walks inside garage, where there is a roaring fire, Christmas tree and presents. Snow also seems to keep falling too, even though he’s now indoors. Hmm….)
Razor: (hanging scarf on coatrack) You know, one of the things I love about Christmas is –
Kittens: (running on) Unca Razor! Unca Razor!
Razor: (crouches down) Hey there, kiddies! I just was just saying that one of the things I love about Christmas is being with the special kats that we love..
Kittens: Aw, we love you, Unca Razor!
Razor: That’s lovely! Because that’s just what Christmas is all about – love.
Kitten: You mean, it’s not just about getting presents?
Razor: No, Timmy, of course not! It’s always better to give, than to receive, and a way we like to show our love to other people is by giving them things.
Kitten2: I know what I’m going to give you for Christmas, Unca Razor!
Razor: Oh yes? And what’s that?
Kitten2: A great big hug! (she does so)
Razor: Aw, thank you, Sally. And here’s one for you. Here’s one for all of you! (he hugs them all)
Kitten3: Unca Razor?
Razor: Yes, Billy?
Kitten3: How come there’s so many bad things in the world today like fighting and poverty and war?
Razor: (crouching on one knee) Well, Billy, alot of the people in the world today are very selfish, and they want to keep everything just for themselves.
Timmy: Unca Razor, I bet if more people hugged each other the world would be a better place…
Razor: You know, Billy, I’m sure it would. (stands up)
Razor: Why, someone’s at the door! I wonder who that could be?
(cut to Mayor Manx and Miss Briggs standing in the open doorway)
Razor: Why, it’s Mayor Manx and Deputy Mayor Miss Briggs! Hello!
Mayor: Hello, Razor. Isn’t it nice that it’s Christmas now?
Razor: Yes it is, Mayor Manx. Please come on in out of the snow!
Miss Briggs: Here, Razor, look what I brought you and T-Bone! (hands him a Christmas pudding)
Razor: Why, thank you very much, Miss Briggs! Here’s a present for you from me and T-Bone! (searches around for gift near door, can’t find it) Now THAT’S funny, I’m sure I put that bottle of Christmas Bourbon right-
Sally: (off screen) Yayy! It’s Santa!!
Razor: (turning head) Santa? T-Bone’s not ment to dress up as him until after the – oh no..
(cut to see T-Bone dressed very poorly as Santa Claus. He staggers around and has trouble standing up whilst the kittens run about near him)
Kittens: Santa! Santa! Santa!
T-Bone: (wobbling) SSssshhhut up you little arshhhholess….
Mayor Manx: I think I know where our present went..
Razor: T-Bo..uh..Santa…I didn’t think you were coming here until LATER… (walks over to T-Bone)..MUCH later…maybe you’d better go and –
T-Bone: (in between swigs from his bottle) Lissen here..yoou…I jus came dow’ from the sssssssNorth POLE! To..deliver sssshume presensh, and YOU are ssshhhtrying to tell SSsshanta what to do and I won’t do what SSshanta told you to do! (grabs Razor by the G-suit front) Got it?
Razor: (pushes himself away) Uh..Santa, I think you’ve had too much of your Elfy drink..why don’t you just put it down and-
T-Bone: (talking to thin air) Lissen here, bud, I donwanna hafffto tell you twisshh…!
Razor: (sotto voce) Hey, kiddies, I think you’d best stay away from Santa, okay?
Billy: But, WHY Unca Razor? Santa’s nice an’ generous an’ kind an’
Miss Briggs: (flat voice, whilst folding arms) 80 per cent proof…
T-Bone: RIGGHT! Thash it!!
Razor: (holding paws up defensively) Now, T-Bone, don’t do anything- (T-Bone smashes bottle over Razor’s head) …drastic.. (collapses)
Kittens: (looking down at Razor’s unconscious form) Saaaanta, why didja hit Unca Razor?
T-Bone: He wash tryin’ it on wiv good Ol’ Saint Nick..but I taught him to ssscchrew around wiv Krisshh Kringle…
Sally: I still don’t think Unca Razor wanted to be hit. I think you’re scary.
T-Bone: Look, I’m…aw, shorry little boy, I didn’t mean to frighten you..here, I’ll sing you a shong to make you feel better.
Kittens: A song? Yayy!!
(in the background ‘Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer’ starts up)
T-Bone: (singing to the tune)
Schnozy, the big nosed reindeer, Had a very largish schnoz. And if you ever saw it, You would remark how big it was. All of the other reindeer Used to make fun and call him names Like ‘Big nose’, ‘Fog horn’ and ‘Conk face’, and wouldn’t let him play their reindeer games. Then one snowy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say ‘Ho ho ho’, ‘Schnozy with your nose so huge, Will you come and guide my view?’
Then Schonzy led Santa and all the other reindeer to an open clearing and Santa said “Hey, Schnozy! This isn’t part of my route!”, but Schnozy got out some chains and tied them all up. He dragged their cut bodies to a large altar and sat on a throne in front of them. “Hmm” he said, “I wonder which one I’ll kill first..hoopla! I’ll kill them all right now!”
Schnozy, the big nosed reindeer, Then slaughtered them all on his killing spree Because all of the other reindeer Didn’t know about crim-in-al psy-chol-o-gy Da na na na, na! What do you think kids?
(cut to see the kids are gone, but faint whimpering sounds can still be heard)
T-Bone: Kidsh? Kidsh?? (Briggs sneaks up behind T-Bone and smashes a chair over his head) …ugh..we’ll be right back after the meshagesh… (collapses)
(Cut to a black and white camera that is obviously a bank security camera)
Mac: (running past, firing behind him) You’ll never take me alive, coppers! (straight to camera) Merry Christmas from us, the Metallikats.
Molly: (running on) And have yoiselves a Happy New Year while yer at it! (points gun at camera, pulls the trigger, leaving static. After a while of this, we slowly fade back to inside the Salvage Yard, where a Christmas Party is in full swing. Most of the main characters are there)
Briggs: (in discussion with Commander Feral) ..so they offered me the role of playing an original character with insights into equality and nonstereo typed society, but I said to them “Hey, how about you give me REALLY huge hair instead?!” and here I am tod-
Nick: (accidently bumping into her from behind, causing her to spill her egg-nog on Commander Feral’s uniform)
Feral: “You hot-shot vigilante! Look at the damage you caused!!” Oh, sorry Callico…I got a similar deal to you when it came to casting..
Nick: (looking about) Oops, sorry!
Briggs: (thinking) Don’t I know you from somewhere?
Nick: Uh..no! That was..someone else with a similar name! Bye! Gotta go! (runs off)
Briggs: (frowns, then turns back to face Feral) …Anyway, so then I heard about Chance getting deep character relevations when it was discovered that he couldn’t swim, so I got back to them and demanded more depth to MY character, and they suggested a leap from the typical ‘damsel in distress’ routine, but I had another tremendous idea and said “Hey, how about I always wear the colour pink?!” and they liked that better…
Dr Viper: (walking on with box) Hey, everyone! It’sss Christmasssss cracker time!
Manx: Oh boy! I’ll try it first! (pulls cracker with Dr Viper)
Dr Viper: (picking up used cracker contents and reading piece of paper) It’sss a quessstion: “Why doesss Dr Viper not wear any pantsss? Iss thiss the reasson SSSWAT Katsss got taken off the air?” Ssss…well, the ansswer to that iss, I *do* wear pantss..(gestures at legs and tail)..they’re green sstripy pantssss..you just probably didn’t noticcce..
Lietenant Feral: (pulling cracker & reading paper) Well, this next question comes from Jake Clawson and-
Nick: (stepping from crowd) Wait up..not THE Jake Clawson?
Lt Feral: Oh no, not the actual character, it’s a person who’s taken to naming himself after the character. You probably know him – he threatened to delete the entire SWAT Kats Fanfiction Archive via hacking in order to run a new archive, entirely created by himself.
Dark Kat: Now, wait up, THIS sounds familiar.. (goes to bookshelf) Here we go – the Roman historian Tacitus writes in “The Annals Of Imperial Rome” Section XV.40 of the pretentious Emperor Nero’s involvement in the infamous burning of Rome- “For people believed that Nero was ambitious to found a new city to be called after himself” – funny, that. To quote Strike, “History DOES repeat itself”…
Nick: He sent me a threatening email the other day, actually, but with me being so intellectually deviod in comparison to him (apt quote, DK, by the way), I couldn’t understand it. It stated something about me just being quote ‘a little teenager’ –
Ann Gora: Hmm. But you’re an adult, Nicholas. You are legally recognised as being a fully mature adult with powers to vote, drive, buy alcohol, pornography, indulge in sexual activities and be fully prosecutable in a court of law for the consequences of any unlawful actions performed by your person. Still, I’m sure Jake knows more about these matters than a government-based legal system that has been around longer since the discovery of Jake’s own nation, government system and birth…
Nick: …And he finished it off with a single, impressionable sentence – “When others threaten me, trouble is what you’re asking for”..but I’m afraid I don’t get that bit either…
Commander Feral: Young Nicholas, Jake Clawson bestowed the title of President of the Official SWAT Kats Fan Club upon himself, making him immediately of better rank in comparison to you, emotionally, intelligently and just about any other way you care to cut it – brilliant uses of English prose such as the example of his parting threat to you evade your detection skills, typical of the pleb that you are. Another such example is his superb use of irony – he’s named his stories on the archive ‘The Good Stuff’.
Nick: Oh, I get it now! Wow. He really does deserve to call himself ‘President’. And of course, when the time comes and he gets his just desserts, we’ll have to call it an ‘assassination’ rather than a ‘murder’, seeing as he’s so important!
Hard Drive: (chucks him on the arm) Now you’re catching on! Jake’s the master of a new medium!
Nick: (mutters) And it’s called a medium because it’s neither rare, nor well done. (claps hands together) Well, how about a carol now, you krazy kats?
Dr Viper: Ssssure! Ready, Misster Music!
(‘Away in a Manger’ starts up very tunefully, and everyone crowds together)
All: (singing quite well, actually)
Away in the Salvage Yard, Poor Jake hurt his head, And Chance got laid out by Miss Briggs, Whilst the kittens hid under the bed The author wrote himself into the story, And then brought up spite, And the snow continues to fall While we’re still indoors – somehow that’s not right.
We made a few injokes, And answered one F.A.Q, Then the Christmas tree fell on Viper –
Dr Viper: Wait up. That didn’t – (Christmas tree falls on him)
It must have been deja vu.
But now we’re at the end of the story, The author’s running out of ideas, So we’d better finish this damn quickly, So he can stop trying to make each line rhyme.
Nick: (scribbling with pen, speaks quietly) Bugger! Razor: (sits up slightly) Merry Christmas, everybody!
T-Bone: (doing the same) And a Happy New Year!
(they both pass out again, and Fade to Black, as we once again see the snowy exterior of the Salvage Yard)
************ Now, a special feature for those of you who got this far without the use of medieval torture devices – it’s an exclusive interview with the author! Go nuts! (I did, and it did me a world of good, kids, let me tell you..) ************
SWAT Kats: The Radical Squadron
“Last Author Hero” – an interview with SK Fanfic Author Nicholas Ball, as conducted by fellow SK Fanfic Author Kristen Sharpe
Kristen: I’m currently in the presence of the oft-controversial SWAT Kats Fanfiction Author, Nicholas Ball, who has kindly agreed to give some of his time to allow himself to be interviewed between some of his more important projects. Nicholas, what are your thoughts on the SWAT Kats archive?
Nick: It’s pretty f*expletive deleted* for starters, Kristen. I mean, there’s all these crap guidelines up by some eggheaded know-nothing uh.. runner of it all, you know, saying things like ‘You need to have official characters in your stories’, ‘You need to have literary ability’ and ‘You need to have a decent storyline’ – I mean, I’ve never used any of that crap, and look where it’s got me…
Kristen: I see. So, how would you describe your writing style? Would you go so far as to say it’s –
(phone rings, Nicholas answers it)
Nick: Yes? Yes..yes..well, I’ve read the copy…no, I don’t think it needs more dialogue, I just think it needs some more tit. Well I do. Well who’s the professional? Oh, you think so, huh?. Keep that train of thought up, young lady, and you’ll be writing Ninja Turtle stories in no time at all.
(hangs up phone)
Nick: Yes, uh, me and Chella are having a few creative difficulties. Our current piece we’re working on, actually. She thinks of it as a symbolic spiritual journey into the depths of soul and identity, with uses of idiosyncracy and iconoclasm to highlight the vices and weaknesses of certain SWAT Kats characters, but I see it as more of a norg story.
Kristen: A difficult highground for you to take…
Nick: Exactly, I’ve had this since my first story went to the archive.
Kristen: You mean the exploitation story “Felina’s Furburger”?
Nick: No, it’s..well, it IS that story, but I don’t see it as an *exploitation* story, I see it more as an EXPLORATION story. The original draft was very clever, it had deep insights and metaphor, but I was under alot of pressure from other authors to have it print ready and distributed within a rapidly approaching deadline, and so it sort of became a porn story. But I don’t think there was anything wrong with it at all…
Kristen: It was removed from the archive.
Nick: Yes, well, a couple of femmos and queers get offended, and they wanted it pulled off the Net it seems. Too busy pulling themselves if you ask me…
Kristen: … your next story was taken down also.
Nick: You mean “Hard Drive”?
Kristen: Yes. It didn’t feature the character ‘Hard Drive’ at all, for starters…
Nick: No, you see, that was a clever title. It had an ordinary guy in it, who would give a ‘hard drive’ (makes suggestive motions with hips)..you see? A *hard* *drive*. It was very intellectual.
Kristen: Every single author on the archive voted for it’s dismissal, stating that it was sexist and that you were insensitive.
Nick: How could it possibly be sexist? It was PACKED with sex! This guy would go around and pick up all sorts of chicks and do ’em! Those other so-called ‘writers’ know f*expletive deleted* all about writing. I mean, where did they get this crazy idea that I’m insensitive? (holds up empty mineral water bottle) Hey, tell that fat chick to get me more homo water!
Kristen: Moving along, you’ve done a number of crossover works with other writers on the Fanfiction Archive it seems..
Nick: Yes. My most memorable one would have to be based on Jade’s “Callie the Vampire Slayer”. It was a follow on entitled “Callie the Vampire Layer”. You may remember it by some of it’s slogans – ‘Suck me dry’ and ‘She goes down for the Count’..
Kristen: Most of the female writers you HAVE worked with in the past, however, have alleged that you only worked with them in an attempt to have sexual relationships with thier persons. DJ says that you took her aside, one night after writing “Gargirls – they’ll get your rocks off” and said something along the lines of ‘Bend over and I’ll give you the barracudda’?
Nick: Now I have FULLY complied to the legal conditions of the restraining order, and I believe that comment is totally unfair and should have no merit in this conversation.
Kristen: Strike says that she had to have you physically removed from her premises after insisting on a wet T-shirt demonstration by her for quote ‘writing purposes’.
Nick: It was the second draft of ‘Civilised Sodomy’, and I needed a degree of realism to be added to my descriptive technique!
Kristen: ‘Civilised Sodomy’, for the brief time it was up and available on the – what are you writing?
Nick: That sounded like a good title for an upcoming story, then. What was it? ‘Up and Available’?
Nick: Oh, I LIKE the sound of that! That’s a fantastic title! Imagine the promo slogan! “Callico Briggs is – Up and Available”! That’ll get the punters in. Sorry, you were saying?
Kristen: Well, for the brief time that ‘Civilised Sodomy’ was…published.. there was no actual scene containing a wet T-shirt scene at all, anyway.
Nick: Your point being?
Kristen: So how could seeing a wet T-shirt possibly help your writing?
Nick: I’m not willing to pursue that line of questioning any further.
Kristen: Ashrin was unpleased with your homosexual portrayal of Mayor Manx in the piece “Queen In Reign” –
Nick: Now hold it just there. *I* was the one that broke off that relationship. Turns out I had an allergy to mace and guard dog bites…
Kristen: Whilst Abby Woodward says “Sinian’s Sin” was hardly-
Nick: (thumps desk) Any attempted advances on Miss Woodward’s person are completely irrelevant here because she was not writing any actual SWAT Kats Fanfiction at the time, and hence can not create any affect on her profession opinion as a fellow writer! That work was light-hearted and tongue-in-cheek and-
Kristen: (interrupting, speaking sternly) Mr Ball, fellatio is NOT tongue in cheek! (long pause) ..what are you writing now?
Nick: That’s one of the most brilliant story titles I’ve ever heard! “Missed the ball, but fellatio is hardly tongue in cheek”! Brilliant!! Have you ever considered working with me on something? Because I’m more than willing to –
Kristen: How about you tell me of some of your more recent story efforts instead?
Nick: Oh..okay. I’m in a bit of a transitional stage now, I’m stuck on my last work, and it’s a huge mental block that I just can’t shift.
Kristen: Which work is this?
Nick: Oh, it’s something I’m working on called “Natural Porn Thrillers”. I’m trying to decide on a transitional verb for a rapid circular motion..
Kristen: (confused) Come again?
Nick: (jots possible title down, before turning back to interview) Well, I don’t know whether to say “Callie *twirled* her tassles” or “Callie *spun* her tassles”..you see, these are the creative choices I’m forced to make every day. There’s no rest for an artist.
Kristen: Nicholas Ball, thanks for your co-operation.
Nick: (writing on paper) Another title! ‘Thanks for your copulation’! No, wait, ‘Thanks for the mammaries’! No, better still, ‘Thanks for the mammaries AND copulation’! Sigh, so little time, so much to do..another title! “So little time, so many to do”! (voice to fade)
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