Retroactive note added in November 2016: In hindsight this “story” seems pretty sophomoric and dumb. I hope you enjoy.
Also, despite my attempts, I’ll never be as funny as Nick Ball or Kutlass 🙂
Contains humor that some readers may find somewhat crude or offensive.
I do what I do, because it’s what I like doing. I’ve got no moral obligation, no quest for vengeance, and no self-righteous vindication. I do what I do because I like kicking tail. I like flying, and I love beating up those creeps who wouldn’t think twice about hurting someone. Okay, so maybe a little bit of self-righteous vindication, but just a little bit.
My name’s Chance Furlong, but many of you probably know me better as T-Bone. You may or may not have seen me around Megakat City, flying out in a sleek black jet blowing up monsters and shoving justice up someone’s…ahem. Anyway. You’re all probably wondering why it is that I’m writing this. Well, to put it it mildly, I’m angry. Downright baleful (I looked that up in the dictionary. It means angry too…I think…)
Why, you ask? Well, it started something like this…
“The Scaredy Kat Marathon starts in exactly 10 minutes and 45 seconds, plenty of time to get home,” Razor commented. “So stop being so irritable.”
“Me? I’m never irritable. Why would you say something like that for?” T-Bone muttered through clenched teeth. “I’m the calmest, most anti-destructive person that I know…”
What? Don’t look at me like that. I may have my occasional…emotional venting, but I’m not an angry person. You’d be pretty darn mad if someone turned your city into a swamp, or tried to blow it up with a nuclear bomb, or invaded from another planet in the hopes of eating your brain. See? That’s what I put up with every single day. You’d be a bit irritable too if that’s what you had to go through. Of course, that’s in regards to you, because I’m never irritable.
Now, as for Scaredy Kat. Everyone always asks, “Why does he watch a silly cartoon?” Well, I’ll make it clear here and now, cartoons are awesome. It’s how I take my mind off things, sit back and relax, ignoring Jake’s lectures about putting my feet on the coffee table, or leaving empty cans of milk lying around the shop, or not listing to that thing about the auto-destruct on the Turbokat being moved to where the radio button used to be. When I’m watching Scaredy Kat, I don’t care.
So, if your favorite pastime were in risk of being compromised, you’d be pretty upset.
“We’ve got to bail out!” Razor shouted at the top of his voice.
“No way!” T-Boned shouted in reply, hoping against hope to pull the Turbokat out of its destructive dive. “C’mon, one tiny miracle is all I ask…”
For some reason, that always seems to work. I must’ve said that a million times, and every single time it worked. Razor tried it once, and we almost died. So, I figure that me and the Turbokat have some kind of extra connection, one that can’t be technologically figured out (and god knows Razor’s tried).
When I’m in the Turbokat, it’s like it’s a part of me. Not an extension, but like literally me. I’m one with the jet, and it is one with me. How so? I don’t know. It’s just one of those crazy things I suppose.
“Crud, that thing’s got some kinda super armor!” T-Bone shouted in exclamation.
“Well, it’s a good thing I brought along my giant-flying-loogie-be-gone missile,” Razor replied as he took aim.
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. How the hell does he do it? More than once I’ve been left scratching my head asking that same question. Once, there was this giant foot. No seriously, a giant foot. Something Dr. Viper cooked up. But anyway, it was big, it was nasty, and it smelled like someone had vomited in a bucket and microwaved it for an hour. It reeked so bad that Commander Feral’s chin deflated, Callie’s hair sagged, Manx’s toupee’ shriveled up, and Mac Metallikat said something nice.
It was so putrid an odor that the Enforcer’s gas masks wouldn’t work properly. I thought we were goners, until Razor busts out with this Super Foot De-Smellifier Missile, which blows the thing to crap and fills the area with the scent of rosemary and potpourri’. Don’t ask me how he knew (or even weirder, how he had that much potpourri’), but he did, and it saved us all.
“Well, SWAT Katssssss, it looks like the jig is up!” Dr. Viper cackled menacingly.
“Time’s up, Mortal!” The Pastmaster gleefully declared.
“I win, and you loose. Megakat City is mine for the taking!” Dark Kat evilly pronounced.
I don’t know if it’s just me, but doesn’t that get annoying after awhile? I’m not sure if you’re aware of a little incident that I had not too long ago. We tried to keep it under wraps, but I can’t keep it in anymore. It started out with Dr. Viper. He was going on and on about something, how he was a brilliant mad scientist and whatever. But he wouldn’t stop, and I swear, he must only knows words that start with an S. It was worse than nails on a chalkboard. So, I did what I had to do.
“Sssssso sssssssssoon I ssssssee that your demissssssssse hasssssssss come!” Dr. Viper slithered.
“That’s it! I can’t take it anymore!” T-Bone bellowed.
“No T-Bone!” Razor shouted, and covered his eyes.
I tackled Viper, opened up his mouth, and hacked off his tongue with my glovatrix buzz saw. Heh, he didn’t say much after that. I’ve still got it too. I put it in a pickle jar next to my Ci-Kat-A head. Want to see it? No? Alright, but you don’t know what you’re missing. Too bad he regenerates, but I guess that leaves me more opportunities to collect more tongues…
“You foolish mortal!” The Pastmaster cried. “You’ve no idea the power you’re dealing with!”
“If he says ‘foolish mortal’ one more time…” T-Bone began.
“Just take it easy buddy. We don’t want a repeat of that Dr. Viper incident,” Razor warned.
“You foolish mortals, thinking you can whisper beyond my range of hearing,” the Pastmaster continued.
“That does it,” T-Bone said as he trudged forward.
“Crap,” Razor said as he contacted their lawyer.
I went up to that little troll, grabbed his arm, ripped it out of its socket, and took my best swing and hit him in the head with it. He was knocked out after that. It’s a good thing he’s already undead or whatever, because I think that it probably would’ve hurt more. While the end result was good, it got us some bad publicity for months. Before that happened we’d had this hospital wing opening ceremony that we would have hosted. Turns out the wing was for lost appendages, and with me having ripped Pasty’s arm out of his socked it was kinda bad timing.
They wouldn’t let me go, but Razor went instead. But, I guess it wasn’t nearly as bad as what happened with Dark Kat…
“Well SWAT Kats, it looks like you’ve fallen right into my-URK!!!!” Dark Kat started, but then fell over with a distressed look on his face.
“You didn’t even let him finish talking this time!” Razor exclaimed.
“Scaredy Kat’s going to be on in ten minutes. I decided to improvise,” T-Bone explained.
“You kicked him in the gonads!” Razor said in shock.
Yeah, I’m not very proud of that. I felt kind of sorry afterward, especially when I heard that he couldn’t have kids. I’m still trying to decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. But regardless, it’s still funny to hear Dark Kat talk; all the helium in the world couldn’t make it sound better.
There’s lots of things that I’d love to go on and on about, but like I said, Scaredy Kat’s starting in less than ten minutes, and you wouldn’t want to end up like Dr. Viper, The Pastmaster, or Dark Kat, would you?
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