Original SWAT Kats Story

I.S.P. (Internet Stupefied Pastmaster)

By MoDaD & Sage

  • 4 Chapters
  • 10,784 Words

(Unfinished) The Pastmaster finds a new way to terrorize MKC, and the SWAT Kats have trouble with Callie, who appears to be having a bad hair day.

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Author's Notes:

Warnings: Don’t drink milk while you read this. Whatever you do, don’t drink milk while you read this.

Sage’s Comments: I… am so afraid. I… don’t know the person who wrote this with me… Yeah! That’s it! I don’t know this lunatic. I honestly don’t. Nope, nope! Not at all! No lo conozco. No hablo ingles!

Modad’s Comments: No comment :: puts hand up to cover the camera ::

Chapter 3

“Razor, this place creeps me out,” T-Bone stated, looking around at the numerous villains. Both he and Razor were in the food court of the jailhouse, wearing bright orange jumpsuits with their SWAT Kat helmets and masks still on inexplicably. “Not to mention the fact that no one’s tried to take off our masks.”

“Well, I’ve never accused the Enforcers of being the brightest of the bunch,” Razor replied. “Uh oh, watch out, Dr. Viper is heading our way!”

“Viper?!” T-Bone responded, as he spun around, prepared for whatever might occur.

“SWAT Katssssss, I knew it wassssss only a matter of time until you wound up in here,” Dr. Viper slithered sadistically.

“Who do you think you are, Viper?” T-Bone demanded.

“Who am I? WHO AM I?” Viper exclaimed. “I’ll tell you who I am,” the mad biochemist returned, then leapt up on top of the nearest eating table. “Lights!” Viper shouted. Abruptly the lights in the cafeteria shut off, and a single spot-light fixed itself on the mad scientist. “Mussssssic!”

The nearest Enforcer guard produced a boom box from seemingly no where and pressed the PLAY button on the side. A deep, booming repetitive beat began to play. T-Bone and Razor both stared wide-eyed.

“He’s not gonna…” they both began.

Abruptly Dr. Viper broke out into a gangster rap style motion.

“Yo, listen up. My name is Dr. Viper, I live in a tree and I’m not very hyper cause’ I’m a reptile with style, takin’ over da city, scarin’ Mayor Manx like he’s a little kitty, I got da brains and da intellect, so listen to me now, I’ll mutate you into something just like a cow, I’m Viper, I’m hip, my whole life has been like a really, really bad trip, I got 3 hairs and a tail, I look worse than a snail, my eyes glow in da dark, my feet have claws, I wear only a labcoat, which goes against many laws, but I can do it, cause I’m Dr. Viper! I can do it, cause I’m Dr. Viper!”

Viper began to break out into a super hip dance style rappin’ beat, swaying from left to right then back to forward. He then began to moonwalk on the table top, shoulders swinging and tail twitching. Back flipping, he then began to do the “Egyptian.”

“Why I’m so fly so high because I try to get by with my deep fry… chicken that is!” Viper started anew. “I’m the best, onna quest, to beat the test, and all the rest to my full-est!”

Those gathered in the cafeteria began to join in, following in line behind.

“I’m Viper! Yo yo! I’m Viper!”

“He’s Viper! Yo yo! He’s Viper!” the rest repeated in unison, all line dancing. Viper broke out in rapid break dance, spinning around on his back then flipping upward on his tail, then leaping off of the table and skidding to a stop on his knees in front of the SWAT Kats, the spot light still on him and the music and dance routine in the background coming to a halt.

“I’m Dr. Viper! Word to your Chalupa Taco Bell guacamole ham n’ cheese, homeslice!”

The SWAT Kats were stupefied. Dr. Viper had resorted to rap music?! As if things couldn’t get any worse.

“Did you catch every word he said?” T-Bone murmured, almost afraid to look in the snake kat’s direction.

Razor didn’t reply. He was already on the floor, twitching, in laughter.

“What’ssssss sssssso funny?” Viper asked.

“Viper… rapping! BWAHAHAHA!” Razor said, now in tears.

“Hey! I’m hip! I’m down with it!” Viper proclaimed.

“Oh really?” T-Bone asked with a sly grin as he yanked Razor up off the floor. “C’mon Razor. Let’s show him how it’s done!”

“Huh-what?” Razor asked as he was yanked back up.

“Help me here, buddy. Let’s show ‘im th’ SWAT Kats rap!”

Razor gave his friend a look of disgust. “We haven’t even corrected the lyrics yet!”

“They’ve GOTTA be better than HIS!”

“But they’ve never been tested!” Razor pleaded. “Something horrible could happen!”

T-Bone retrieved a microphone and shoved it into Razor’s hands.


“Fine,” Razor replied. “Ah-hem, lights!”

The lights in the cafeteria abruptly dimmed as a single spot-light focused on the SWAT Kats.

“Music!” Razor ordered, as a random Enforcer Guard pulled out a boom box and pressed the PLAY button. Allowing the rhythmic beat to begin, Razor got into his “groove.”

“Up in the sky, ya see us fly, as we go by, bad guys fry. Above the skyline, we jet in line, not takin’ our time cause cause this rhyme ain’t so fine,” Razor began.

“We’re the best of the best, beatin’ the test, takin’ em’ all on and layin’ em’ to rest. We ain’t no police and we ain’t paid to do what we do, but if you was like us you’d be doing it too. We’re few, the two, and you ask us who?” T-Bone continued.

“We’re the SWAT Kats!” Razor declared with a few moves of his own.

“What was that name?”

“We’re the SWAT Kats!”

“Are they insane?”

“We’re the SWAT Kats!”

“Repeat that again?”

“We’re the SWAT Kats!”

“And we’re comin’ after you!”

“It don’t matter what kinda opposition, cause’ we work with our prefabrication. We got jets, trucks, skis and more.”

“We got stuff that’ll make Dark Kat seem like a bore.”

“We got the training, the power and the intellect.”

“We got things that go BOOM just for effect.”

“Bad Guys beware, we don’t mess around.”

“We’ll drop on ya harder than Marlin Brando per pound”

“So listen to us, and heed us well.”

“Cause’ the SWAT Kats are here, and we’re gonna ring ya like a bell.”

“We’re the SWAT Kats!”

“The SWAT who?”

“We’re the SWAT Kats!”

“We’ll grind ya into poo!”

“We’re the SWAT Kats!”

“Fear us now!”

“We’re the SWAT Kats!”

“We’ll shoot a missile at your cow!”

The boom box abruptly changed as the the CD skipped and switched to that of the macarena. The Enforcer Guard cocked an eyebrow as he looked at the music machine before him. T-Bone and Razor gave each other a glance, then shrugged.

“Oh when I dance they call me Razor-ino, I’m an anthropomorphic kat who tries to avoid the-a-beano. I can’t sing in, de-latin, so I switch over to de-a-T-Bone ku-at-in.”

T-Bone gave Razor an awry look as he snatched the microphone out of the smaller SWAT Kat’s hands.

“Oh, my a-name is a-T-Bone, and I just took over the-a-microphone. I’m big and, I’m a-tall, look out or I’ll just knock down a wall.”

With much effort and frustration the Enforcer Guard kicked the boom box, once again causing the CD to skip back onto the gangster rap beat that the two had been on previously.

The villains simply gaped. Some of them wondered how long the “rap-sody” would take. Others wondered if this was worth the trouble, especially during lunch time.

“Do you think this is part of the sentence?” one asked the other. Another simply dropped to his knees and started crying.

“Make it stop! Make it stop! I’ll never commit another crime again!”

There had to be a way to make those infernal SWAT Kat stop rapping.

Then, upon a devastating cry of what appeared to be both mercy and torture, a tray of food flew out to hit the nearest villain.


“Uh-oh – watch out!” Razor warned, tackling T-Bone and sending the two of them flying off the tabletop, just barely avoiding collision by the fruit cup collage.

T-Bone looked at him incredulously. “You shoved me beneath the table to avoid getting hit with a bowl of soup?!”

Razor reached over and grabbed the nearest bowl of the liquidy solution, and poured it on the ground. With a corrosive speed of unimaginable proportions, it ate through the floor. T-Bone blinked.

“Don’t forget this is *prison* food,” Razor reminded.

“Yeah… hey! This gives me an idea!”

Razor blinked. “An idea?”

“What better way to escape?!”

The smaller SWAT Kat looked over his shoulder towards a door clearly marked “EXIT.”

“Well, there is that unlocked exit door right over there that’s unguarded and leads right to the parking lot…”

“Good idea!” T-Bone stated as he ran up to it… and threw the soup on the wall right next to it. Eating away at the wall, the soup soon created a hole large enough for the two to go through.

“I meant…,” Razor began.

“No time!” T-Bone yelled, grabbing Razor by the collar and running, leaping through the hole in the wall.

“Ack, stupid piece of crud machine!” the Enforcer Guard shouted as he kicked the boom box once more. Abruptly the music came back into tune and the guard sighed with relief. The numerous food fighters stopped what they were doing as they paused to listen to the music that began to fill the room. Dr. Viper heard it and immediately broke out into dance again.

“Y, M ssssssC A! It’s fun to ssssstay at the Y, M, sssssC, A!”

The entire gathered array of convicts began to join in, creating an immense congo line that stretched around the interior of the cafeteria.

Razor gawked in horror as he spoke.


“Yeah, Razor?”

“Run faster.”


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