Title: Duck Disturbances
Warnings: Violence, mild language
Disclaimer: The Swat Kats and its associated characters are copyright their respective owners. No copyright infringement is intended.
Summary: A strange visitor from another world arrives in Megakat City. Packing heavy armaments, sophisticated computer systems, and a motor mouth, the feathered fiend gleefully brings his own brand of fowl play to the city. It’s up to the Swat Kats to stop him!
Author’s Note: This story was written purely for fun. Please do not take it seriously. No, really.
Inside his secluded laboratory, Professor Hackle looked over the large, egg-shaped capsule brought in by one of his robots.
“What on earth could this be, anyway?” He looked over the hard metal shell. “I really must study this, find out where this could have come from. I’ve always been fascinated by extraterrestrial technologies. So much potential in them to help katkind…”
The capsule door suddenly opened. A figure in a hulking, high-tech suit of armor slowly stepped out. It looked like a football uniform, constructed out of a shiny metal alloy. A tinted visor with an extended “beak” obscured any view of the figure’s face. The figure carried a massive rotary cannon, complete with a long ammunition belt which led into a storage spot on the back of the suit. The suit’s boots clomped loudly against the floor.
“Ahh… what a trip. I think I got capsule-lagged,” came a voice from within the suit. The voice was loud, deep, and gravelly, and reverberated throughout the laboratory. “Sure took a real nose dive. Nice place you got here. It sure is great to have a change in scenery. Some people just want to sit in an office and work all day. Not me. That would drive me quackers. I like to travel, see stuff. And walk around. I really hate floating around in spaceships. Say, where am I anyway?”
Inside the armor suit, a computer system analyzed every aspect of the environment, relaying information to its user.
Professor Hackle nervously looked over the figure. “Uhh… yes! Welcome. Well, you happen to be in my lab. Near Megakat City. Umm… what is your name?”
The suit’s visor opened, revealing the face of a duck. A small display panel covered one of his eyes, giving him a heads-up display and targeting reticle. A grin spread across his orange bill. “Call me Mal. Mallard Daptive. And, ooh, Megakat City! I’ve heard a lot about it. Back where I’m from, we hear about all kinds of crazy places.”
“I see. So uhh… why exactly are you here?”
“Here on business. Got some fact-finding to do. Plus I needed a break from my normal hangout anyway. Things get boring where I’m from. Every day, the same old shit. It’s not bad if you like ice hockey. But, what’s wrong with a little adventure? I really like to play around. Wanted to check this place out anyway…”
As he was talking and looking around the room, he bumped into a lever that was sticking out of a computer console. The lever opened several large holding tanks in the lab, which contained specimens of plantimals. The plantimals began to growl and hiss as they prepared to attack.
“Oh my, what have you done?” Hackle looked aghast at them and quickly ran for cover.
“Ooh boy!” said Mal. “This looks like it’s gonna be fun! What are you so scared of anyway? I like play time!”
Mal lifted up his rotary cannon and squeezed the trigger. The barrel of the rotary cannon whirred, blasting the plant creatures with dozens of rounds per second. Green and yellow goo splattered all over the walls and ceiling as the bullets tore into them. By the time it was over, plantimal goo covered the walls and dripped from the ceiling, and a few small fires burned around the lab.
“Mmm… purrs like a kitten.” He patted the weapon. “A messy kitten!”
He looked at Hackle, who had taken cover behind a desk and was staring at him with his mouth agape. “Say, what are you so worried about? You got a pretty nice deal! I made the room prettier, see? Don’t worry about repaying the favor right now. I’ll send you a bill.” He clomped out of the room toward the city.
Worried bystanders looked on as they noticed the Metallikats approaching Megakat City Bank.
“I told you, Mac, this was a bad idea!”
“Shut your cake hole, Molly. This time of day’s really best. Nothing ever goes on at this hour.”
“That’s the whole point, metal head!”
Mal spotted the bank. A wry grin formed on his bill.
“To get by in this world, I’m gonna need some capital. May need to take drastic measures to get it, but oh well. Gotta break some eggs to make an omelet. Wait, *that* didn’t sound right. Say, maybe I should get a frequent flyer card!”
Across the street, a little girl pointed excitedly at Mal. “Look, daddy! Mr. Bubbles!”
The dad quickly pulled her away. “Run!”
Mal clomped up toward the bank, noticing the Metallikats approaching the building. His onboard targeting reticle zeroed in on the pair, rapidly analyzing them and providing real-time information about their armaments.
“Say, uhh… excuse me.”
The Metallikats almost walked up the steps when they heard the voice behind them. They turned around and eyed the strange figure.
“Who the hell are you?”
“I’m new in town, and I was thinking, uhh… maybe I should rob the bank instead of you. You know. Make some room for the little guy. Have some sense of hospitality.”
“Yeah, you want us to leave a mint on the pillow too?” retorted Molly. “Bite me.”
“Yeah, go rob a different bank!” added Mac. “This is our turf!”
Mal snickered. “You don’t understand. I’m just a professional needing to hatch his own firm. Haven’t you ever heard of free enterprise? I mean, the best part about it is… it’s free!”
“You know what I’ve heard of, Molly? Roast duck. I could sure go for some right now.”
“Yeah, I’ll give you something to rob!”
The Metallikats fired at him from their arm cannons. The laser blasts charred the front of his armor suit, but ricocheted harmlessly off.
“Geez, what kind of alloy is that?” said Molly.
Mal grinned. “Heavy metal. Speaking of which, I always enjoy shredding!”
He aimed his rotary cannon at the pair and squeezed the trigger. The barrel spun around, blasting the Metallikats with rapid high-caliber firepower.
“Gaaaah!” The rounds smashed into their armor, rapidly knocking them backwards. Struggling against the hail of bullets, they returned fire. Several passers-by watched the courtyard firefight, aghast.
Mal grinned in delight, holding the trigger down. The rapid fire of the cannon resounded through the city streets as the Metallikats fired at him with their own energy weapons. Mal fired several small explosive rounds at them from shoulder-mounted cannons, blasting the two kats backwards several feet and knocking them squarely onto the pavement with a loud clang.
The Metallikats groaned, their smoking metallic bodies twitching on the pavement.
“Sorry, but things are extra competitive right now. Just the way the economy is! With things so tight, it’s all about how you market yourself. Gotta shine above all the rest, know what I mean?” He turned his attention to the front doors of the bank as sirens resounded in the distance.
Mal lifted up his large metallic boot and kicked the front doors in. Smoke emanated from the barrels of the cannon.
“Alright, you all know what to do! I hope so anyway. I bet you’re pretty used to this sort of thing.”
The terrified customers put their hands up and got onto the ground.
Mal walked up to the teller windows. “That’s it, I need a big bag full of money. And, don’t stick any of those dye cans in there or I’ll know. Gotta keep my feathers pretty.”
The tellers frantically worked at filling large sacks with money.
“Hey, wow, you’re all pretty fast! Maybe I should open an account here. Actually, come to think of it, know what would be even better? My own printing machine. Then I wouldn’t have to deal with you middle people at all. Say, this reminds me of a story…”
Enforcer vehicles surrounded the bank. They quickly set up barricades. The units got into position as Mal walked out of the front door carrying bags of money. Commander Feral got on the bullhorn.
“You are under arrest! Put down your weapons, or we’ll open fire!”
Mal’s targeting system began analyzing the Enforcers’ armaments. He lifted up his rotary cannon, a large grin forming on his bill.
“Looks like the piggies are here! Time to make some bacon!”
Mal fired his rotary cannon at the Enforcer vehicles, blasting them to pieces. The large rounds shredded the vehicles, sending shards of glass into the air and turning them into useless scrap metal. The Enforcers crouched behind the barricades taking cover.
“Enforcers, move in!”
The Enforcers fired at Mal, but their laser blasts simply bounced off of his heavy armor.
“D’awww… that tickles!” He continued spraying the Enforcers’ armaments with cannon fire. A couple of small missile turrets opened on his shoulder plates, and several missiles fired at the Enforcer tanks, destroying their turrets and setting them on fire. The tank crews quickly escaped before the tanks exploded. The other Enforcers scrambled for cover.
“Hey, don’t be sore losers! You should be a good sport when things get rough. Haven’t you ever played hockey? You know, sometimes to make an impact in the world, you gotta take pride in your work. Gotta go that extra mile and come out flappin’. Know what I’m saying?”
The buzzer went off in Chance and Jake’s garage.
Chance grabbed the phone. “Yes Ms. Briggs?”
“Swat Kats! There is some kind of heavily armored soldier wreaking havoc in the city! I don’t know where he came from, but he has already robbed the bank and the Enforcers can’t seem to stop him!”
“We’re on our way, Ms. Briggs!”
The Turbokat shot into the sky and sped toward the downtown area. As they approached the target, Razor began analyzing the incoming data.
“T-Bone, I’m already picking up some very advanced technology on this guy. There’s no read on the alloy on his armor suit. Either this is some top secret Pumadyne project, or this guy isn’t from around here.” He fiddled with the computer, getting a close-up image. “You know… he looks an awful lot like a duck!”
T-Bone looked at the images. “He *is* a duck! I guess he’s definitely not from around here then. But, that just means we have to send him back to his flock!”
Several smoldering Enforcer vehicles and burned-out tanks were visible to the two, littered about the streets around the bank.
Mal looked up at the sky as the Turbokat flew overhead. He quirked a brow as he watched it disappear around a building. His onboard sensors were busy analyzing its speed, size, velocity and potential armaments.
“Hmm… looks like it’s time for a boss battle! My favorite part of the game. Come on, quit hiding, you big cowards! It’s face-off time!” He closed the visor on his suit.
The Turbokat circled around. “Okay, time to test his defenses,” said Razor. “Octopus missile… deploy!” He fired the large missile at the armor suit. Mal’s onboard computer analyzed its trajectory, but did not leave any way to avoid it. The missile struck the front of the armor suit, knocking Mal backwards with a loud *thunk*. He quickly reoriented himself.
“Rehhh, heh heh heh!” Mal aimed the cannon at the Turbokat and began blasting at it. The sheer number of bullets, coupled with the advanced targeting system, allowed him to hit the jet several times. Poink-poink-poink-poink-poink!
“Crud!” yelled T-Bone.
“Dang! He’s a good shot. We’re not out of the ring yet though!”
Mal smirked at the Turbokat, casually brushing the missile off of his armor. It landed on the ground with a metallic clang. “Sure gotta couple o’ wing nuts up there. Not too big a job for me though! I’ll give ’em a few loose screws!” His targeting systems zeroed in on the Turbokat, and he fired a volley of missiles at it.
The instrument panel on the Turbokat began buzzing loudly. “T-Bone, incoming short-range missiles!”
“I’ll try to lose ’em!” T-Bone steered the Turbokat around buildings. Some of the missiles smashed into skyscrapers, while the others stayed on the Turbokat’s tail.
Razor quickly hit buttons on the panel. “Anti-missile defense, deploy!”
A small cannon popped out from underneath the jet and aimed at the missiles. It fired several concussive energy blasts at the missiles, succeeding in hitting and detonating them.
The Turbokat turned around. Razor’s targeting systems locked onto Mal’s figure. A long, steady beep came from the computer as it was ready to fire.
“Shockwave missile… deploy!”
Razor fired the missile. It made a clean, straight line above the buildings. Once it centered over the spot where Mal was positioned, it suddenly propelled itself downward. It impacted the ground, creating a shockwave that knocked Mal several feet backwards. He landed on the pavement with a metallic thud, cracking the concrete underneath him.
Laying on his back, Mal looked at his on-screen radar at the Turbokat. Slowly, he pulled himself back up, stretching his neck. “Wow. Looks like we got some pros here. Finally! I thought this was getting too easy! Alright, we’re going into overtime. Time to step it up a notch with a stealth missile!”
He fired another missile. The onboard computer system guided the missile toward the Turbokat. It snaked its way around buildings to approach the Turbokat from the front angle, remaining undetected by its radar.
The Turbokat turned around a corner, moving toward its target again.
“Time for phase three. This duck’s about to run out of luck.” Razor punched several buttons on his console. “He’s got some heavy duty targeting systems. Let’s see if I can hack into them and shut him down.”
As they turned around a building, they were greeted by the missile, which exploded near the jet’s engines.
“Ahh! We’re hit!”
The Turbokat careened toward the large river on the outskirts of town, smoke billowing from the rear.
“I didn’t see that one coming!” cried Razor.
“I can’t salvage this one, Razor. Bail out!”
They both ejected from the Turbokat as it spiraled toward the river. It plunged into the water, self-destructing with a resounding boom, shooting a large column of water into the air. The Swat Kats parachuted down to the surface.
Mal raised his cannon up triumphantly, watching the damaged Turbokat with a large grin. “He shoots… he scores!” The sound of a pipe organ sports jingle and a cheering audience played through his speakers.
The Swat Kats landed near an abandoned warehouse.
Mal plodded after them, glancing at Commander Feral’s burnt out tank. “Don’t worry. I’ll be back for the money later. You’ll keep it safe for me, won’t you?” He grinned and continued in the direction of the Swat Kats.
As Mal walked out of sight, Feral crawled out of the hatch, clutching his radio. “This is Feral. Bring me… chopper backup!”
Razor and T-Bone quickly dusted themselves off, standing in front of the entrance to the large warehouse.
“He is no ordinary duck, T-Bone. He’s built like a tank. I almost want to call him ‘Mega Duck’.”
“What’s that, Razor? Did you say Nega-“
“No, of course I didn’t!”
Mal’s heavily armored form appeared in the distance. T-Bone and Razor scrambled to get into the warehouse as Mal followed them. They made their way into the dark area, moving quickly to the upper catwalks.
Mal plodded slowly into the dark room, opening his suit visor. “Here, kitty kitty…”
His steps echoed loudly throughout the empty building. His onboard infrared systems easily allowed him to see in the dark.
“You know, I used to be a team player. Something about how when you fight one duck, you deal with the whole flock, and yadda yadda yadda. But, sometimes you just gotta strike out on your own. You score a goal on your own, you don’t need the team so much. I’m sure you know the feeling!”
T-Bone quickly poked his head up. Immediately, Mal responded by blasting the spot with cannon fire, shredding the metal beams and support structures around T-Bone’s hiding spot. T-Bone ducked back down, taking cover again as pieces of metal and debris fell from the ceiling and clattered onto the floor in a smoking heap.
“Crud, he’s still tracking us!” said T-Bone.
“His targeting equipment must be better than I thought.” Razor tinkered with his Glovatrix, analyzing the data on its screen, and fiddling with buttons. “Okay… let’s try this *again*.”
“Come on, quit hiding!” yelled the gravelly voice. “Don’t be shy! I don’t really wanna kill ya. In fact, I’m pretty nice once you get to know me. If more people knew what a great guy I was, they’d flock to me! You’d learn a lot from me too. I could take you under my wing, if you’d just get… down with the program!”
Razor groaned. “I wish he’d shut that blabber beak of his. Uggh!”
“Alright, I’m gonna make a break for it over there.” T-Bone scurried across the catwalk. “I’ve got something that might take him out of commission.”
Mal perked up upon seeing T-Bone. “There he is!” He aimed the cannon up at the catwalk.
As Mal’s targeting reticle zeroed in on T-Bone, the onboard computer system started to glitch. The reticle went haywire and static filled the screens. The infrared system failed, and all of the sensors gave errant readings. Razor stayed crouched behind a large metal pillar, continuing to tweak the buttons on his Glovatrix.
Mal snorted. “Nice try. You think you’re gonna hack me? You’re all a bunch of hacks! Not like me! I have contingencies!” He reached up to blast at T-Bone’s figure again, but the cannon malfunctioned.
Razor worked on the device, speaking into his radio. “T-Bone, I can do this for a little bit, but we need to really step up the game.”
“I’m on it.” T-Bone snaked his way across the rusted catwalks.
“Well well,” came a voice behind Razor. Razor looked back at Mal’s towering form. “Even with a handicap, I’m still on par! Hey, maybe I’ll get a birdie.” He quickly reached down and picked Razor up by the back of his uniform.
“This shouldn’t hurt. This is how mommy used to pick you up. Right? Now, it’s daddy’s turn!”
Growling, Razor spun around, latching onto the front of Mal’s suit and coming face to face with him. He glared at him and gritted his teeth.
Mal peered back, almost touching Razor’s face with his bill tip. A bemused expression crossed his face as he struggled with Razor.
“Nice mask,” said Mal. “You think nobody recognizes you under that?”
“Not so tough without your equipment, are you?” sneered Razor.
Mal grinned. “That’s just a small part of who I am! Nothing wrong with a little enhancement though. Know what I’m saying?”
“What are you doing all this for anyway?”
“Well, you know what they say in hockey. When you have a big stick, it’s fun to shake it around a little!”
He gripped Razor’s back with his large armor hands, holding him away from himself. “Say, maybe you should work for me. I like your style. You look like pretty good gearheads to me. My armor does need maintenance from time to time. I could throw in a nice benefits package!”
“Hey, feather brain,” came T-Bone’s voice. “If you’re in the market for kat services, how about a two-for-one special?” He swung down on the rope, smashing his feet into the back of Mal’s armor suit. He bounced off harmlessly and quickly jumped off the rope, latching onto a large column.
Mal laughed. “Don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten about you! I’m sure I could squeeze you in somehow too!”
T-Bone smirked back. “Heh! A tempting offer! But, I’m afraid we’re not for sale.”
The electronic device he latched onto Mal’s armor suit exploded, sending heavy electric and electromagnetic surges through the armor and completely frying all of the components. Razor fell out of his grasp and rolled away. The force of the explosion knocked Mal across the room, and he fell onto a push cart, upon which were attached two propane tanks. The electrical sparking ignited the tanks, creating a jet thrust which propelled the cart outside of the warehouse.
In an abandoned, nondescript shack near the warehouse, some kats dressed in business suits began poring over some crates. The smell of katnip wafted through the air.
“Say boss, I think this shipment’s pretty fresh. Should bring in some good scratch.”
“You know, I hear in some places, the popularity of this stuff has gone through the roof. It’s practically exploding!”
Mal careened toward the shack on the rolling push cart, propelled by the propane tanks. He quickly shut the visor on his suit.
“Say boss, what’s that noise?”
Mal crashed through the wall, the propane tanks erupting into a fiery explosion and blowing the shack to pieces. The kats bolted frantically out of the shack, completely covered in flames, and ran around in the street.
The explosion blasted Mal out of the shack and off the cart like a cannon ball. He rolled across the pavement, smashing into a parked car and setting off the alarm. He groaned and lay there motionless, smoke emanating off of the large armor suit as the alarm continued to squeal.
“Uggghhh… oh my god, shut *up*!”
Several Enforcer cars surrounded him. The Enforcers jumped out, guns drawn, and moved in to capture him.
T-Bone helped Razor up off the floor. “You okay, buddy?”
Razor dusted himself off. “Yeah, I think so. Can’t let that happen again though! I think we made some mistakes today, T-Bone. Things got a little too close for comfort here.”
“Well, yeah, but still. We could say his little venture… went south!” He snickered.
The two made their way toward the exit.
“You know, T-Bone. I’m thinking. I woulda liked to interrogate him, pick his feathered brain a little.” A grin crossed his muzzle. “We could have had… grilled duck. KnowwhatImean?”
T-Bone chuckled. “Of course. Put the pressure on him. Until he quacks!”
The two laughed.
“Well first you’d have to restrain him… with duck tape!”
They laughed again and high-fived each other.
“Ahh… that really is horrible. Let’s let the Enforcers clean this one up. We need to go home and get a new Turbokat. Maybe some take-out.”
Meanwhile, a couple of anatine space explorers surveyed their computer data. They watched the unfolding developments on their monitors, intrigued.
“What do you suppose this could mean?” asked one. “Think there’s still a possibility of some kind of, you know… future with the denizens of this planet?”
“Too hard to say at this point,” said the other. “Time will tell. Time will definitely tell.”
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