Blurb: This is what happens when you stay up all night on the Internet. You write dumb stories that go no where. (Also described as Jake spends a bit of time online which eventually has him and Chance in uniform going off to fight for the end of chain letters. ?
by Klawz (email@example.com) & Lucca Stilgart (LStilgart@aol.com)
Standard Disclaimer here. ?
Scene: Jake’s room. Bed is neatly made. Room is clean and Spartan. Computer desk is organized. Jake sits in front of the monitor, his brown-copper fur tinged faintly of green glow. He is typing.
Chance: (pokes his head into Jake’s room) What’s up, buddy?
Jake: Checking my e-mail…should never have gotten on that SWAT Kats list. Kats on it are crazy!
Chance: (snickers) You just want to see if anyone you know is guessing who we are…..and score a few dates, eh? Heh, heh.
Jake: (rolls his eyes, grins) Well, you got the first part right, at least. (sound of new mail)
Chance: (is unfamiliar with computers, even though he has one) What was that?
Jake: (distractedly) New mail. (soft click of the mouse, Jake groans) I *hate* chain mail!
Chance: (interested enough to enter the room and stand behind Jake’s chair) Me too, they have them online to, eh? Heh.
Jake: (reads over the e-mail header, gasps) Chance! It’s from Dark Kat!
Chance: (automatic growl) Don’t be….how do you know?
Jake: (points to the screen) Dark_Kat@hideout.mkc.
Chance: (clenches fists) Let’s get him!
Jake : (stares at the screen) huh? (scrolls down and reads aloud) “Scroll down and make a wish” (scroll) “did you make a wish?” (scroll) “hurry up!” (scroll) “now send this to 35 people in 5 minutes. 10 – you will get a call from your crush, 20 – your crush will ask you out, 30-35 – you and your crush will share a night of passion” WHAT! (Jake blushes hard)
Chance: Send it! and send three copies to me! (stupid grin)
Jake: Don’t be an idiot! I’m not doing it (goes to hit delete)
Chance: Wait a sec buddy (reads) “if you don’t send this or if you delete it a fleet of gay pirates accompanied by Ronald KatDonald will come to your house and throw explosive clowns at your fish and let guinea pigs run loose in your jet engines.”
Both: (scream like cheerleaders and pop into every chat room to get names)
Jake: (pants, sends out the e-mail) That was too close, buddy….
Chance: (whew’s, swipes a paw across his forehead) Yeah I don’t ever want to see – (is interrupted by the sound of ‘new mail’) …..Jake?
Jake: (opens up the mail folder) Oh no! DrViper@ssswamp.mkc! Another one!
Chance: (grits teeth) What’s the penalty for not sending it?
Jake: (reads aloud) “If you don’t sssend this out to anyone, then MegaKat C-ssity will be mutated by hideoussss ooz-ssse! ssssssigned, Dr. Viper.”
Chance: (sigh of relief) That’s not much. We’ve handled it before. Just delete it and let’s go watch “Hard Shell 4” on cable.
Jake: (continues) “P.Sssss. And then I’ll make a planter out of the SsssWAT Kat’sss jet. You have five minutesss to ssend thisss.” (Jake hears a loud “thump” behind him, half turns) Chance???
Chance: (is out cold, sprawled on the floor)
Jake: (turns back to the computer and starts retyping the list of names he used for the previous e-mail. Sends out the mail and reaches over to awaken his partner) Chance wake up! (ponders) I’ll kiss you.
Chance : BLAHH!! I’M UP!….you keep you lips to yourself.
Jake: (laughs) Nooo problem. you’re not even my type.
Chance: Well, what’s that supposed to mean? (gets up and rubs his head)
Jake: It means your butt is too fat.
Chance: What!?! Why you – ….(kinda hurt) really?
Jake: (typing) Well you do bump into a lotta things.
Chance: (shrugs) Eh. That just leaves more for Callie to grab on to.
Jake: (spits out his soda) What the hell?!?
Chance: (laughs) Got ya!
Jake: Not you, dummy, the screen!
Chance: (looks at the screen. reads) “Wanna see my pic? click here -> (Chance does so and screams. sees a nekkid picture of Molly Metallikat wiggling her boobs and her butt at the viewer) Dear God in Heaven!!!
Jake: It’s the Anti-Christ!
Both: AHHHHHHHHH! (two thumps on the floor this time. the animated Molly gif keeps jiggling and writhing as the e-mail also downloads a midi of the famous song “The Stripper”. The midi starts playing. Luckily our heroes are out cold.)
Chance: (comes to a few minutes later, groaning) That’s it! We’re hunting these goons down! (dumps the rest of Jake’s soda on him) Wake up, buddy!
Jake: (yelps, jerks awake) Aaaw Chance! It’s going to take me at least three showers to get this crud off me!
Chance: (ignores his friend) Can you send a virus?
Jake: (sniffs disdainfully) Any hacker worth his modem can do it. (sits at the computer chair, trashes the animated gif, begins typing) I’ll send them my MegaVirus. (his grin is quite goulish in the computer glow)
Chance: (smirks) Can you trace the source?
Jake: (typing sounds) Yeah, gimmie a second…. (a few moments pass with the only sounds being Jake’s typing and the two off-duty SWAT Kat’s breathing) Hey! All these e-mail addresses are fronts! It’s only coming from one source!
Chance: (excitedly) You got a lock on ‘im, buddy?
Jake: (furious typing sounds) Yeah…. Bingo! C’mon, grab up your suit, a Glove-a-trix and the Cyclotron, I’ll be there in a second!
Chance: Roger. (dashes off to the hangar)
Jake: (prints out an address, snatches the piece of paper and runs off behind his partner)
Scene: Bedroom, obviously female. Sounds of two females giggling is heard. Then a harsh curse.
Female 1: (leans over her friends shoulder) What? What’s the matter?
Female 2: (voice is a little huskier than her friend’s. types furiously) Something’s wrong… Holy Kats! (Computer screen is flooded with the color red) Uht-oh….
Computer: (Screen flickers and changes to blue, then back to red, blue, red, blue… voice from the speakers) Bingo! Thanks for downloading the MegaVirus! I’ll just be deleting everything on your Hard Drive now! Enjoy my little animation, won’t you?
Female 1: Does that voice sound familiar to you…?
Female 2: ….Yeah….Holy Crud! ::points at the screen::
Computer: (picture of Dark Kat doing the macarena)
Female 1: That’s sick!
Female 2: I think I’m going to be…. (interrupted by sounds of the front door being kicked in) Wha-?!?! (Jumps out of her chair, grasping a gun and aiming at the door) Get dow- (bedroom door bursts open)
SWAT Kats: Freeze!!! (pause in doorway, aiming glove-a-trixes at the two females. jaws drop)
Razor: …Callie- er, Miss Briggs?
T-Bone: …Lt. Feral?
Females: (are in tank tops and short shorts, barefoot and looking decidedly off-duty)
Felina: Whoops… (puts the gun back on the table) Hi guys….?
Callie: I knew that voice was familiar… (smoothes her hair, adjusts her glasses)
Razor: (blushes, drops his Glove-a-trix arm, looking at the screen) Er…I got a lot of harassing e-mails and…uh…here, let me… (brushes past Felina and sits down to type.)
Computer: (soon Dark Kat’s macarena-ing image stops, glances off screen and does a wild take. A picture of Razor comes running on-screen, blows up Dark Kat. Speaker crackles a little with the explosion) “Bingo!”
Razor: (visibly cringes, covers his face)
Computer: (Callie comes running on screen, throws her arm around Razor, kisses) My hero!
Razor and Callie: (blush bright red)
T-Bone and Felina: (look at each other and smirk)
Computer: (Digital Razor winks at the viewer) Bingo! You’ve deleted the virus! Restoring files. (Razor picks up Callie and carries her off-screen, screen blinks red/blue/red/blue, then there is a microwave “ding!” sound and the screen returns to the internet mailbox)
Razor: (blushing very hard) ..uhm..all taken care of…Lt. Feral…. (voice cracks) Ma’am..
Felina: (grinning very widely) Off-duty, call me Felina. Sorry, I sent the whole SWAT Kats list…. (pause) You’re on the SWAT Kats mailing list?
Razor: (mumbles) Gotta make sure no one’s spreading rumors….
Felina: (disbelieving) Uh-huh…
Callie: (still blushing faintly) Want to stay for a movie? We “Hard Shell 4” is on cable…
Felina: (persuadingly) Movie Theatre butter popcorn…
SWAT Kats: (Look at each other, each obviously wanting to stay) Sure!
All: (troop into the living room)
Felina and T-Bone: (fight over the couch a few minutes, give up and end up half sprawled on each other)
Razor and Callie: (disappear into the kitchen a few minutes longer than necessary to get the popcorn)
Callie: (smoothes her hair, adjusts glasses and sits at the foot of the couch with the bowl)
Razor: (pauses at the light switch) Lights on or off? (is still blushing, a paw to his cheek)
Callie, T-Bone and Felina: Off!
Razor: (turns the light off, sits next to Callie who promptly leans on him)
All: (watch the movie, sounds of metallic bug screeches, lazer blasts, Callie squealing and the SWAT Kats and Felina cheering fill the room for the rest of the movie)
______ The End….? ______
Please visit us at:
Klawz: http://members.tripod.com/~Klawz Lucca Stilgart: http://www.fortunecity.com/rivendell/zelda/418/index.htm
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