Well, I’m at it again. I’m doing yet another crossover. This one, I thought I’d *never* do. It’s a Samurai Pizza Cats crossover! What can I say? I looked at the sights and I got caught up in the fan fiction. If you don’t know the show, they’re the only crime fighters capable of beating the bad guys and whip up a double-anchovy pizza. (Yech!) They have their own pizza place that transforms into a state-of-the-art crime-fighting headquarters. The pizza ovens even morph into high-tech tubes leading to the Cats’ transformation chambers. Well, it’s not the most serious cartoon show ever, but I like it. Plus, a special guest star joins the fight. OK, so it’s me. DON’T HATE ME BECAUSE I’M HUMAN!!! OK, I am calm. In the words of a wise man on a TV show: “Aw, here it goes!”
Razor is once again tinkering with one of his latest inventions in the hangar. He muttered to himself as Quiver punches the punching bag.
“Kai-yah!” she yelled, kicking the bag. The bag broke off its chain holding it up and knocked into the bag next to it. Then that bag broke off its chain. Razor took a second to glance at the kick and chuckled.
“I did that punching bag thing to Chance once. I hear his back still hurts,” he said.
“Aye? Well, now he has Tigera to give him massages. She’ll have him purring like a kitten in no time,” Quiver said. She walked over to him and looked over his shoulder.
“What are you tinkering with?”
“I just found it out in the yard this morning. I’m trying to figure out what it is.” Quiver rubbed her chin as she watched Razor tightening some screws and crossing some wires.
“Well, this thing’s a piece of crap,” he said.
“Try crossing the yellow wire with the blue wire after unscrewing the red and green,” Quiver said, pointing to some of the wires. Razor wrinkled his eyebrows and crossed and unscrewing the wires. Suddenly, the tiny machine started to hum.
“There are times like this when I despise you, Quiver.” Quiver smiled.
“Well, now that we got it working, what the hell is it?”
“I’m not sure. Hey, Kari, can you tell us what this thing is?” Razor asked, looking forward as if looking into a camera.
“Can’t think of anything at the moment, Razor. Sorry,” a voice (me) said.
“If she gets writer’s block and leaves us here for six weeks, I’m quitting rest of the stories!” Quiver said.
“Give her a break, Quiv. She’s only 16.” Then T-Bone and Venus appeared.
“Hi, guys. What you got there, buddy?” T-Bone asked.
“Well, I asked Kari and even *she* doesn’t know. I guess we’re just gonna have to wait and see what she comes up with.”
“And how long will *that* take?” Venus asked. Then the machine started glowing.
“About that long.” A bright light surrounded the hangar and when it dimmed, they were gone. Little Tokyo, present. The Kats landed in a dusty street in a large city when the machine lost power. Quiver got up and dusted herself off.
“Well, apparently, she decided to make it a universal porter. Damn you, Gilmore.”
“Watch it, Quiver. I made you, I can delete you. Besides, it’s not the first time you’ve been through dimensions,” I said.
“Yeah, but you think we *enjoy* it?” Razor asked.
“All right, next time, I’ll have the creatures from the dimensions come to you.”
“Where are we anyway?” T-Bone asked.
“Welcome to Little Tokyo, SKs,” I said.
“Little? Doesn’t look so little to me. It just looks like a tornado hit it,” Venus said.
“Well, it was. Not too long ago, a comet was heading towards this place and the tornado kind of broke it up a bit.”
“Then why is it still standing?” Quiver asked.
“Well… The answer will be coming up soon enough. In the meantime, I’m coming down there.”
“Kari Jane Gilmore, you are *not* coming down here!” T-Bone said, pointing as if he was pointing into a camera. Then he felt a tap on his shoulder. He looked behind him and saw a teenage girl with shoulder-length dark brown hair in a ponytail with brown eyes. She’s wearing a black t-shirt with a picture on it and blue jeans. Around her neck is a gold necklace with a small diary key and quarter at the end with a name on it: Kari. (This is how I normally dress, in case you were wondering.)
“Full name threats don’t work on me, T-Bone. And don’t you be doing any Ace Ventura quotes either.”
T-Bone sighed and said, “All righty, then. Kari, what are you doing down here?”
“So I don’t get writer’s block, I’ve decided to come on down and kick tail with you. You can thank Quiver for putting the thought in my head.”
“Thanks, Quiver,” Razor said.
“Oh, *shut up*,” Quiver said.
“Kari, if you’re down here, then who’s writing the story?” Venus asked.
“Wouldn’t *you* like to know?”
“Something tells me she’s not going to answer,” T-Bone said.
“What I will say is this: I think I hear a fight in progress.” (Remember: I’m supposed to be down with the Kats, so I’m not gonna write this like “we” or “us” or anything like that. OK? OK.) They looked into the distance and saw a crowd chattering while watching a fight going on.
“Shall we check it out?” Quiver asked.
“If it’s got that big a crowd, it must be one hell of a fight,” T-Bone said. They walked over to the crowd and watched a fight being fought on a rooftop. A cat in white armor and helmet was fighting with a crow in green armor and a red eye visor over one eye.
“Who’s that?” T-Bone asked.
“Speedy Cerviche! Oh, man, this is *so* cool. And that crow he’s fighting with is Crow Magnon, band leader of a group called the Rude Noise,” Kari said.
“Speedy Cerviche? Crow Magnon? Rude Noise? What’s this world coming to?” Razor asked.
“It’s just another crossover, that’s all.”
“Looks like Speedy’s out-numbered 4-to-1,” Venus said.
“Relax. The other three should be coming up.” Then a cat in blue armor and helmet appeared, swinging a sunspot umbrella at the Rude Noise member Cannonball. Another cat, this time female, in red armor and helmet extended her claws and slashed them across the face of the Rude Noise member Rodney.
“There’s something about that kat that seems familiar,” Quiver said, tapping her chin.
“Yeah. A temper and claws. I’d say Quiver’s met her match,” Venus said.
“I’d hate to meet *her* in a dark alley. But that’s only three. Where’s the other one?” Razor asked.
“Wait for it. He’ll be flying in anytime now,” Kari said.
“*Flying* in?” the Swat Kats asked. Then a crow in black and green armor and helmet cawed and kicked the Rude Noise member Mojo.
“I might be mistaken or I might need glasses, but that doesn’t look like a feline to me,” Quiver said.
“It shouldn’t,” Kari said.
“Give up now and we might go easy on ya!” Speedy Cerviche said, swinging his ginzu sword at Magnon. Magnon blocked the blow with his own sword.
“Not until we get that traitor Bad Bird!” Magnon replied.
“Oh, looking for me? Caw!” the crow asked, flying in the air and kicking Magnon in the back of the head. Magnon fell off the roof and into a barrel filled with water. He spat out the water and called to the Rude Noise.
“C’mon, guys! We’ll get him later! You haven’t seen the last of us!” Then the Rude Noise flew off. The crowd cheered as the crime fighters took their bows.
“So, what do you think?” Kari asked.
“They’re not bad fighters, I’ll give them that. But crazy to team up with a bird,” T-Bone said.
“Hey, they’re not *my* characters. I didn’t come up with the idea. It’s was some company called Saban.” Then the crowd walked away, leaving the group alone to watch the fighters starting to walk off.
“Hey, guys! Wait up!” Venus called.
“Huh?” they all asked, turning around.
“Who are these guys?” the cat in blue armor asked.
“Out-of-towners?” Speedy Cerviche asked.
“Well, they’re not Japanese, that’s for sure,” the cat with red armor said. The Kats came up to the group to get a better look at them. Speedy Cerviche’s uniform wasn’t all white. On his helmet, he had a red visor and a blue cat’s eye marble in it. He had blue gloves, a bell collar, and a red triangle on his chest plate. The blue armored cat had a light blue visor with a white triangular shaped cat’s eye marble in it. He had light blue gloves and a large red triangle on his chest plate. On the female cat’s helmet she had a pink visor with a purple triangular cat’s eye marble in it. She had pink gloves, a blue cat’s eye marble on the stomach plate, and a bell collar around her neck like Speedy. And the bird had dark purple wings, a pink skull with wings on his chest plate and that was just about it except his uniform was a bit more sharper looking than the Cats’.
“Welcome to Little Tokyo. Name’s Speedy Cerviche, Leader of the Samurai Pizza Cats and Master of the Ginzu Sword,” Speedy said.
“I’m T-Bone, Leader of the Swat Kats.” The blue armored cat took Razor’s paw and shook it.
“Name’s Guido Anchovy.”
“I’m Razor, second-in-command and weapon’s expert.” The female cat with red armor took Quiver’s paw.
“Polly Esther at your service.”
“Name’s Quiver and you don’t want to cross me.”
“Nice to meet you, Quiver, but you don’t want to cross *me*.”
“Frankly, I don’t want to cross either of them,” Speedy said.
“Uh-oh. Two female feline fighters with bad tempers and sharp claws don’t mix well,” Razor said.
“Shut up, Razor,” Quiver and Polly both said, almost growling at each other. Venus took the bird’s talon.
“Continuing the introductions, I’m Venus.”
“Friends call me GB. It’s short for Good Bird.”
“But I heard Crow Magnon call you Bad Bird.”
“Well, that was my old name. Good Bird’s my name now. But I guess you can call me Bad Bird. Doesn’t really matter to me.”
“And who’s she?” Speedy asked, looking at Kari.
“That’s Kari Gilmore, the writer of our stories,” T-Bone said. Kari smiled and waved.
“She constantly puts us in crossovers.”
“This is only the third time!” Kari said.
“Oh, brother,” Polly said.
“And while this conversation was going on–” a voice said.
“Hold on a minute. Who’s talking?” Razor asked.
“Don’t worry about him, guys. It’s just our Narrator,” Guido said.
“Hi, guys,” the Narrator said. The Kats wave forward like they were looking at a camera.
“Now, if you guys don’t mind, I have something I was going to say.”
“Sorry. Go ahead,” Speedy said.
“Thank you. As I was saying, and while this conversation was going on, we find some familiar and unwanted visitors on the beach.” The scene goes to a beach were a raft lands. A rat (they say he’s a rat on the show, but he looks like a fox to me because of his tail) in a red and yellow kimono jumped off the raft and drove a flag with his picture on it in the ground.
“I, Seymour ‘Big’ Cheese, hereby name this piece of land Cheeseville, USA!” An elderly crow steps off the raft and joins Seymour “Big” Cheese’s side.
“Uh, I hate to tell you this, Cheesy, but I think someone got here first.” They look into the distance and see a city.
“Ohh! Not fair! Not fair! I want to find an island that hasn’t already been populated! I can’t be emperor if there’s already a population of a thousand! Curse you, Jerry Attrick, and you’re lousy sense of direction!” Seymour said, pounding the ground. Jerry sighed and noticed where they had landed.
“Hey, Seymour. I think we landed in Little Tokyo.” Seymour rushed over to Jerry’s side.
“You mean it’s still standing?! I thought the comet pounded it and those lousy Pizza Brats into smithereens!”
“Apparently, not. Hey, you want to regroup the Rude Noise and the Ninja Crows and find the Pizza Cats?”
“I would, but in case you’ve forgotten, I’M NOT THE PRIME MINISTER ANYMORE AND I DON’T HAVE ANY MONEY TO BUY A MONSTER TO DESTROY THEM!” Seymour screamed into Jerry’s ear.
“Ever hear of credit, Seymour? You can always use your credit card and pay the money later after you steal some.” Seymour rubbed his chin and considered the idea.
“I know! I’ll use my credit card and steal money to pay the bills! C’mon, Jerry! We got work to do!” Jerry rolled his eyes and followed behind Seymour.
“Oh, no! Big Cheese is back and with a vengeance! Will both set of heroes be able to stop them?! Will this be the end of the Pizza Cats?! Will this be the end of the Swat Kats?! Will this be the end of my career?! Will this–?!” the Narrator asked.
“Hey, pipe down!” Big Cheese said.
“Fine. I’ll keep quite until the next chapter comes in.”
At the Pizza Cats’ Pizza Parlor, Polly was working at the registers with another female cat named Francine. She had blonde hair and a green kimono on. Speedy, Guido, and Bad (Good) Bird were picking up pizzas and taking them out for deliveries. The Kats, now maskless, are sitting at one of the tables and watching the Pizza Cats work.
“They do this everyday?” Razor asked.
“Talk about a work-out,” T-Bone said.
“Polly and Francine are giving their fingers a pretty good work-out, too,” Kari said. Then the phone rang. Francine walked up to it and answered it.
“Samurai Pizza Cats Delivery. 30 minutes or your pizza’s cold.”
“Who came up with those lines?” Venus asked.
“Who’d want a cold pizza?” Quiver asked.
“Uh-huh. OK. One catnip pizza with extra mushrooms and green peppers. On it’s way, sir.” Then Francine hung up.
“Are any of the boys back yet?”
“No, they’re still making their deliveries. But I’ll make the delivery for ya, Francine,” Polly replied.
“Thanks, Polly.” Francine handed her a pizza box and Polly rushed out the door.
“Hmm, catnip sounds good,” Venus said.
“I’d rather have a stuff crust pizza. Boy, what an exciting story,” Kari said, yawning.
“You should’ve stay at the keyboard, Kari. I just remembered, how did Little Tokyo stay standing when that comet came?” T-Bone asked.
“Well, it was pretty recent. What happened was a villain named the Big Cheese– Don’t ask– was pulling a comet out of orbit and bringing it straight to the city if the city didn’t make him the emperor. Eventually, the comet got to a point at which it couldn’t return. Guido and Polly couldn’t do much since they were injured while fighting the Rude Noise. So Speedy called on a huge robot called the Supreme Catatonic and used it to fly into space to destroy the comet. Bad Bird had gotten aboard and he and Speedy were going to face the comet together. Speedy destroyed the comet with a special move the Ginzu Sword does called the Cats Eye Slash. The comet and the Supreme Catatonic were destroyed and it looked like Speedy and Bad Bird were, too. But then, they appeared safe and sound. Now, the city’s being rebuilt and Bad Bird works here and lives across the street with his girlfriend Carla. He… Wasn’t always a good guy, though. He worked for the Big Cheese until Speedy convinced him to join the side of good.”
“Hmph. What happened to the Big Cheese after that?” Venus asked.
“They say he was exiled on the sea with an old crow named Jerry Attrick. Hasn’t been heard from since.”
“Until today. Later, the deep-dish hours were done and the Pizza Cats were taking a breather,” the Narrator said. Polly and Francine were soaking their paws in warm water. Speedy, Guido, and Bad Bird were rubbing their feet.
“Does the pain ever cease?” Speedy asked.
“It certainly doesn’t take a holiday,” Bad Bird said.
“We just wanted to let you guys know we pity you,” T-Bone said.
“Thanks,” they all said. Kari yawned and rested her chin in her hand.
“I’m bored. Anybody have any juicy gossip they wanna spill?” she asked.
“In case you’ve forgotten, we’re not exactly April or Stephanie,” Razor said.
“Right, I knew that. OK, my weekend is officially ruined. What can we do for fun?”
“I know! Let’s call up a villain and tell ‘im to make a robbery! That’ll give us something to do!” Speedy said.
“Like who? The Big Cheese was the main villain on the show and who knows where *he* is?” Guido asked. Suddenly, the video phone was ringing. Francine walked over to telephone and pushed a button. Suddenly, a dog’s face came up on the screen.
“Now there’s a face only a mother bulldog would love,” Quiver said. The dog growled and Quiver hissed.
“I want you to apologize right now!” Polly yelled.
“To a dog? Make me!” Polly extended her claws and growled. Quiver also extended her claws and growled.
“My bets are on Polly,” Speedy said.
“I have to go with Quiver,” Razor said. Both Quiver and Polly charged at each other and started fighting. A big cloud of dust surrounded the two as they fought.
“Damn these anime fighting dust clouds. We can’t see the action,” Kari said.
“Yeah! Who’s winning here?!” Razor and Speedy asked.
“Quiet! We’re fighting here!” Polly shouted, poking her head out of the dust cloud.
“If you guys don’t mind, I have something to say,” the dog on the video phone said.
“Oh, right. Sorry about my sister. It’s kind of a natural instinct of ours to hate dogs,” T-Bone said.
“It’s quite all right.” Venus reached in the dust cloud where Polly and Quiver were still fighting and she pulled them apart.
“Are you two done?” she asked. The two scratched felines panted and nodded.
“What’s up, Big Al?” Francine asked.
“You’re not going to believe this, guys. But the Big Cheese is back and he’s rounding up the Rude Noise and Ninja Crows!” Big Al Dente said.
“What?!” the Pizza Cats and Bad Bird asked, eyes bulging out.
“And they got a new leader of the Ninja Crow to replace Bad Bird and he looks tough.”
“Puh-leez, Al! We can handle any old dumb cluck,” Speedy said.
“Hey!” Bad Bird said.
“No offense, GB.”
“Let’s stop yakking and get into our ovens,” Polly said.
“Huh?” Quiver asked.
“Run that by us again?” Razor asked.
“You’ll see what they mean. OK, SKs. Time to get your masks on and follow the Pizza Cats,” Kari said.
“All right, let’s do it. Samurai…” Speedy said.
“Pizza…” Guido followed.
“Cats!” the three Pizza Cats and Bad Bird said. They rushed up to four open ovens. Polly jumped into the first one.
“Yippee!” Guido jumped into the second one.
“Geronimo!” Bad Bird jumped into the third.
“Let’s do it!” And Speedy jumped into the last one.
“Well, what are you guys waiting for? Get in there and follow them!” Francine said.
“Right. Oh, I’ve always wanted to go down here. Whoa-hoo!” Kari said, jumping into the first oven. The other Kats jumped into the other three.
“While the two teams of feline crime fighters prepared to launch, Francine is about to brilliantly launch them into the sky!” the Narrator said.
“Actually, I’m playing a video game. Just a few thousand more points and I can launch them.”
“Francine!” the Pizza Cats and Swat Kats yelled.
“Oh, all right.” Outside the Pizza Parlor, a giant gun rose from the roof. Francine takes out a microphone and turns on the speaker.
“Citizens of Little Tokyo, the Pizza Cats have a mission! We’re ready to blast off, and we’d like your permission. We’re delivering heroes to save the day the super Samurai Pizza Cats way. Clear the streets, and alleys, too. Look out, bad guys, we’re coming through! Speedy! Polly! Guido! Good Bird! Go, go, go!” She takes a mini handgun and pulls the trigger. Each body shoots out of the cannon with a puff of smoke following them. Two dogs, a mother and son were watching the launch.
“Isn’t it nice the way they light up the night sky?” the son asked.
“Yeah, but you’d think they’d drop a coupon for a free pizza once in a while,” the mother said.
“You gotta pay for everything in this town.”
“Gee, I feel like I’ve forgotten something,” Francine said to herself.
“Francine! What about us?!” T-Bone’s voice asked.
“Oh, right! Stand by for another blast off! I’m afraid I don’t have a little poem prepared, but I’d like to offer this thought, which is just as true today as it was in the sixties: ‘What the world needs now is love, sweet love. That’s the only thing that there’s just too little of!’ Thank you! T-Bone! Razor! Quiver! Venus! Kari!” Then she fired off the Swat Kats, who flew up next to the Pizza Cats.
“Hey, Mama, the sky’s filled up with more bodies than usual,” the son said.
“Those cats must’ve snuck onto the launch pad when we cut away for that exterior shot! Well, two can play that game. We’ll shot *you* out of a cannon!” Mama said.
“You coward! Don’t you want to be a star?!”
“Yeah, but not a falling star. I wanna fall apart *after* I retire.”
“If we don’t more screen time, you’re gonna retire sooner than you think.” T-Bone looked back at the two of them and looked ahead at Speedy.
“Who are those guys?”
“That’s Mama-San and Junior. They show up at every launch and make jokes. You get used to them after awhile. In my own opinion, those last two weren’t their best,” Speedy replied.
“How do you do this anyway?” Kari asked.
“Believe us, it’s not very easy,” Polly said.
“Hmm, knew I should’ve brought a parachute. I know I shouldn’t be asking this because I know the show pretty well, but does Francine even know where the Big Cheese is?”
“Nope, but I bet the Narrator does. Narrator!” Bad Bird said.
“You don’t have to yell. He’s at the palace right now! Jerry Attrick is rounding up the Crows and bringing them there!” the Narrator said.
“I thought he said you don’t have to yell,” Bad Bird said.
“How’d he get past the guards?” Speedy asked.
“Oh, don’t tell me he was wearing make-up, a wig, and dress?!” Kari said.
“What else would you expect from this guy? Now get over there!” Narrator said.
“We’re getting there! We’re getting there!” the group said.
“Well, I feel that this is a dandy time for a chapter change, don’t you?”
The Big Cheese waited by the front of the palace in a pink and purple dress and a black wig while waiting for Jerry Attrick to appear. Then Jerry appeared, leading an army of Crows to the palace.
“This is it, boys! Onward to the palace!” Big Cheese said. The crows cheered as they crossed over the bridge. As they reach the front gate, some stars were thrown at Big Cheese’s feet. He gasped and looked up.
“OK, who threw those? Who’s there?”
“Take a wild guess, Cheese Breath,” Guido’s voice said.
“Pizza Cats! Can’t you make an entrance where you don’t throw weapons at me?!” A light shone on Guido, who had his sunspot umbrella in front of him.
He raised it up over his head as he says, “Ah, stop whining, you crooked rat, when you get your own show you can make any kind of entrance you want, but in the meantime: Hit it, Polly!” Then a light shined on Polly, who played a few notes on a flute.
“The Pizza Cats are about to attack, but first, here comes a great big smack! Your turn, Good Bird!” The she blew them a kiss. Then a light shined on Bad Bird, who had his swords crossed in front.
“Looking for a fight, are you? I’m your worst nightmare come true! After these guys are done gasping, take it, Speedy!” Big Cheese and the other crows gasped to see Bad Bird with the Pizza Cats.
“Bad Bird, you goody-goody traitor!”
“Leave him alone, Mozzarella Breath. There’s no time to waste, let’s smash his face! Hey, that almost rhymed!” Speedy said, putting his paws on his hips.
“Yeah, not bad!” Guido said.
“And together, they are the Samurai…” the Narrator said. Then the four of them stood together.
“Grr… Attack!” Big Cheese shouted.
“Hold it, Big Nose. Guys, you’re forgetting about us!” T-Bone’s voice called.
“Oh, right! Sorry about that, TB. We’re just used to four introductions. Just for you, Big Cheese, it’s a 9-for-4 special!” Speedy said. A light shone on Kari, who was filing her nails.
“Introducing: Kari Gilmore, master of the keyboard!” the Narrator said.
“Hey, Big Cheese, love the dress,” Kari said.
“Oh, well, thank you, my dear. Obviously, a girl with good tastes,” Big Cheese said, waving a fan in front of his face and blushing. Jerry and the Ninja Crows stuck out their tongues in disgust.
“Obviously, a girl with poor eye sight,” Jerry said.
“Who’d you borrow it from: Roseanne or my third grade teacher?” The Pizza Cats all gasped and their eye bulged out.
“Oh, Kari, that’s cold!” Polly said.
“Gasp! Are you saying I’m fat?!” Big Cheese asked.
“I don’t have to. You just did.”
“You go, girl!” the Pizza Cats said.
“Heh, heh. She’s good,” Jerry said.
“Why, you little brat!”
“I know you are, but what am I?”
“You’re right, Seymour, she *does* have good tastes… In humor,” Jerry said.
“Who let her tag along anyway?” Big Cheese asked. Then a light shined on Razor and he uncurled his whip.
“Razor’s the name and I’m the brains of the outfit. The kid’s with us, and if you mess with her, we’re going to play ‘Pin the Tail On the Big Cheese’,” he said. Big Cheese gasped and gripped his tail.
“You wouldn’t dare!” A light shined on Quiver who extended her = claws.
“Quiver here, saying if Razor doesn’t want to cut off your tail, I will with these babies. They slice, dice, and even kick tail!” Quiver said. A light shined on Venus who had her bow in her paws. She took out an arrow and put it in the bow.
“Hey, anybody for melted cheese on a stick tonight? I’m Venus,” she said. Then the light shined on T-Bone who was holding his sword.
“OK, enough with the fancy cliches, guys. Let’s cut to the chase,” T-Bone said.
“Aw, T-Bone, you’re no fun,” Kari said. The Kats got together.
“We’re the Swat Kats!”
“There’s too many cats in the world, why don’t their owners get them fixed?” Big Cheese asked.
“Me-yow, that’s gotta hurt. You’re going to regret you said that, Big Cheese!” Kari said.
“On the contrary, my dear. You haven’t even met my new Ninja Crow leader. Come on out!”
“Huh?!” the Pizza Cats asked. A crow in gold armor stepped forward with an evil sneer on his face. He held up his glove that was covered with spikes.
“Awk! It’s my brother Peak!” Bad Bird said.
“You never told us you had a brother,” Guido said.
“I have plenty of brothers, and Peak’s one of the worst. I never mentioned him because he’s bad news.”
“If I was at my keyboard, I might have named his brother something better than Peak,” Kari said.
“Well, you’re not at the keyboard, so what are we going to do about it?” Quiver asked.
“I say you give up! You’re no match for the Mighty Peak!” Peak said to them.
“Well, we’ll see about that. Let’s pound that punk!” Speedy said.
“Yeah!” Guido and Polly said as they jumped into the air.
“Guys, wait! Don’t!” Bad Bird called to them.
“Why not?” the Pizza Cats asked in mid-flight.
“Well, remember when I had the ancient armor of Worc?”
“Peak’s just as bad!”
“What?!” Then they stopped in the air and started falling towards Peak and his spike glove.
“This isn’t going to be pretty,” Razor said.
“I don’t think I should be around to see this. It’s much easier to write blood than watching it get spilled,” Kari said. Peak raised his glove over his head so that it would hit the Pizza Cats. Bad Bird flapped his wings and flew up towards them. He pulled them out of the way as they came towards Peak’s glove. Then he landed them on the ground.
“Thanks, GB,” Polly said.
“Keep out of this, Bad Bird! It’s in my contract that I should destroy the Pizza Cats and no brother of mine is going to get in my way!” Peak said.
“Yeah! I’m doing what you should’ve done a long time ago!”
“If you want them, you’re gonna have to go through me first!”
“That can be arranged!” Bad Bird drew forth his sword and cawed as he ran towards Peak. Bad Bird stopped for a moment to see the Rude Noise floating above the Swat Kats with a net in their talons. Then they dropped it over them.
“Is that the best you can do, you Feather Dusters?” T-Bone asked. Quiver extended her claws and cut the net apart.
“My compliments to the author for a great seat of nails,” she said.
“You’re welcome,” Kari said.
“Ninja Crows, attack!” Big Cheese ordered. The Ninja Crows cawed as they jumped into the air.
“Let’s kick some tail!” T-Bone said, wielding his sword.
“Sounds good to me. Yah!” Speedy said, wielding his ginzu sword.
“The two teams sprung into action. Never has there been such a fight in both Pizza Cat and Swat Kat history!” the Narrator said. Kari cracked her knuckles when a Ninja Crow came charging towards her. Kari kicked the crow in the face with a high kick. Quiver and Polly were standing side-by-side as Ninja Crows were closing in on them.
“We got a truce, Esther?” Quiver asked.
“Truce. You ready?” Polly asked.
“Ready! C’mon over, boys. We got plenty of love to go around.” Polly began to draw her paws back. Suddenly, an unseen force was drawing some of the Ninja Crows towards them.
“Not again! Aw, Polly, have a heart!” a crow shouted.
“I have a heart all right, and it’s telling Quiver and me to slice you boys to ribbons.” As the crows grew closer, both Quiver and Polly were extending their claws.
“Looks like double trouble for these Ninja Crows tonight,” the Narrator said as Polly and Quiver scratched their faces. Each Ninja Crow they had were lying on the ground in pain.
“You better believe it. Me-yow,” Polly said, giving Quiver a high-five. Guido swung his sunspot umbrella at each new crow that came to him.
“Guido, you hit like a little old lady. Don’t you have a better use for that umbrella?” Razor asked.
“As a matter of fact, I do,” Guido replied. He held his umbrella in front of him and started spinning it. Suddenly, hypnotic rings were coming out and hitting the Ninja Crows.
“Hey, what’s going on here?”
“I don’t know, but I think it’s groovy.”
“Cool. What did you do to them?” Razor asked.
“It’s a kind of hypnosis. Right now, they think it’s the disco years,” Guido replied.
“Hmm, let’s have some fun with these guys.”
“C’mon, boys, it’s dance time!” they both said. Then the Crows started dancing like from the 70s.
“We are too good,” Razor said, giving Guido a high-five.
“We should open up a dance studio,” Guido said.
“Grr… You dumb clucks! This isn’t the disco years! Stop dancing and start fighting!” Big Cheese said.
“Dance now, fight later. Peace, man,” the Crows said.
“Shut up!!” Peak shouted. Suddenly, everyone stopped fighting and looked at him.
“Pizza Cats, Swat Kats, Brother Bad Bird, I’m going to make this easy for you.”
“You’re going to quit and we win?” Speedy suggested.
“No, you idiot! Either you give up…” Then two Ninja Crows brought out Polly and a pink-feather female bird in a yellow kimono. Both crows held their swords underneath their necks.
“Or say good-bye to your girlfriends.”
“Oh, no! Polly!” Speedy said.
“Awk! Carla!” Bad Bird said.
“Birdie, don’t do it!” Carla pleaded.
“Speedy, don’t give up! You can’t surrender for our account!” Polly followed. Speedy and Bad Bird looked at each other and dropped their swords. T-Bone and Quiver growled as they and the other Swat Kats dropped their weapons. Then Guido dropped his umbrella.
“Ha ha ha ha! We won! We won! The Pizza Cats are done! It’s time to have some fun!” Big Cheese and Jerry Attrick cheered, dancing with each other.
“Oh, no! Has Big Cheese finally won?! Now that he has both Swat Kats and the Pizza Cats, it looks like both shows are officially canceled! But wait, what’s this?” the Narrator asked. Kari was hiding behind a corner as the Ninja Crows were forcing the Swat Kats and Pizza Cats into the palace.
“Young Gilmore is still free. But how can one teenage girl stop an entire army?”
“You mean, *you* don’t know? Damn, I could really use some help. At the moment, I’ve got writer’s block. Oh, go to Chapter 4, will ya?”
Kari was still behind the corner, pacing about what she should do.
“Man, if I was at my keyboard, I could think of something. Man, where’s DJ Clawson when you need her? Oh, now I remember: Retirement! OK, where’s Jason Miller when you need him?” Suddenly, she felt something on her shoulder. She turned around to see a fat panda bear with a big grin on his face holding two open fans.
“Fa-red!” he said.
“Oh. Hi, Emperor Fred. How’s the spoiled brat of Little Tokyo doing?”
“Fa-red! Fa-red, Fa-red! Fa-red!” he said merrily.
“Sore throat, huh? Well, for some folks, that’s nice to hear.”
“And how was that dinner?”
“Fa-red, Fa-red, Fa-red!”
“Hmm, tasty. Did you have any left-overs?”
“Ate it all yourself? The *whole* thing? Well, you certainly made a royal pig of yourself, didn’t you?”
“Fa-red! (scat singing)”
“Not that I don’t enjoy your stupid ‘Fa-red’ thing, could maybe speak something *intelligent?* The people who read this stuff don’t understand what the hell you’re saying.”
“OK. Jenny Craig’s coming in the morning. Fa-red!”
“Yeah, you can afford to lose a few pounds.” Then a large dog stepped up next to Fred.
“Big Al Dente! What took you?”
“Princess Vi was having trouble with her homework. Where are the Cats?” Al Dente asked.
“Well, they and the Swat Kats kinda got captured and I was the only one who got away,” Kari replied.
“Well, don’t just stand there. You gotta save them!”
“With what? I’m just a kid, I’m useless in reality. But at my keyboard, look out. Hmm… That gives me an idea.” Meanwhile, Big Cheese’s newest monster was squirting ink at the Swat Kats, Pizza Cats, Bad Bird, and Carla. The ink dried on them and trapped their bodies in hard shells.
“Can’t you think of something original, Big Cheese? You already used this kind of monster in Episode 39: ‘Unidentified Flying Oddballs’, remember?” Speedy asked.
“Yes, but this time you don’t have your little sword to cut yourself free with, do you?” Big Cheese asked, tapping his nose with a closed fan and holding up Speedy’s sword. He had just gotten back into his red and yellow kimono when they had captured both teams. He was finishing taking off the blush when Speedy had spoken.
“What a way to go. I never thought ink would be the death of me,” Quiver said.
“Don’t worry, Quiv. Kari’s still free, she can save us,” Razor whispered.
“Nice bluff, Razor, but it didn’t help.”
“If I could get my arm free, I could call Francine on the Cellular Cat Bell,” Speedy said.
“Yeah, we could use the Rescue Team right about now,” Polly said.
“No one can save you this time, fuzzballs! No one! You hear?!” Crow Magnon said. Then something zipped pat the front of his beak. The object hit one of the walls. Crow Magnon pulled the object out of the wall and looked at it.
“A computer disk? Where’d this come from?” he asked.
“All right. Who’s there *this* time?” Big Cheese asked.
“Could it be the Manhattan Pizza Cats?” Guido asked.
“Guido, none of them used computer disks,” Bad Bird said.
“Show yourself!” Big Cheese demanded.
“Don’t rush me, Banana Nose!” a voice shouted.
“OK, who called my nose a banana?! I don’t think it looks like a banana. Who are you to judge it?” He took out a mirror and looked at his nose.
“Well, then, you should look at it from *this* angle!”
“It’s that little snot-nosed brat!” The voice whistled and Big Cheese turned in that direction. A light shone on Kari who had a German shepherd and a gray tabby cat by her sides. On her left hand was something that appeared to be a miniature keyboard.
“Correct! So don’t give me any lip or you’ll be in early retirement!”
“Kari!” the Swat Kats shouted.
“And she brought Viper and Cleopatra with her,” Razor said.
“What are you standing around for, you Birdbrains?! She’s just a kid! Get her!” Peak shouted at the Rude Noise. Rude Noise cawed as they jumped into the air, flying towards Kari and her pets.
“Viper, see the big crows? Rip them apart,” Kari said, petting the German shepherd’s head. Viper barked, jumped into the air, and grabbed Cannonball’s tailfeathers.
“Yow! Get him off! Get him off!” Cannonball shouted.
“Kari, get us out!” Speedy shouted.
“Hold on, Speedy!” Kari said, throwing some CD-Roms at the ink-spitting monster. The CD-Roms smashed into the monster’s head and it exploded.
“As Quiver would say, bull’s-eye.”
“That kid just destroyed my robot! She’s *really* getting on my nerves!” Big Cheese said, clenching his teeth. Then Cleopatra jumped on Big Cheese’s kimono and started scratching his face.
“Ow! Ow! Ow! Get this fleabag off me!” he said, running around and dropping Speedy’s sword. Kari rushed over and grabbed the sword. Then she rushed over to the Swat Kats and Pizza Cats and freed T-Bone and Speedy from the ink shells.
“Glad you could make it, Kari,” T-Bone said.
“Hey, don’t sweat it. Let’s kick some tail, shall we?” Kari asked. Before she could free the rest of the two teams, Kari was knocked over to the other side of the room. She noticed her hair tie and hairpins were pulled off when she shook her head. Her bangs covered her right eye when she saw Peak flying towards her.
“You’re not going to live to write your next story, Ms. Gilmore!” Peak said, diving towards her. Kari gasped and rolled over just as Peak drove his talon into the ground.
“You got lucky that time, but your luck is going to run out!” Peak pulled his talon out of the floor and took out his sword. Kari got to her feet and gulped.
“Now I know how Sailor Moon felt when *she* first became a super hero. Aah!” she said, jumping out of the way as Peak swung his sword.
“Looks like our rescuer needs to be rescued,” Speedy said.
“Better call in the Rescue Team,” Guido said. Speedy nodded and tapped the bell on his collar. At the Pizza Parlor, Francine looked down on her bell collar that started jingling.
“Uh-oh, sounds like they’re in trouble again. Calling the Rescue Team, the Pizza Cats are at the palace. Get over there right away!” Francine said on her video phone.
Back at the palace, Viper and Cleopatra were still holding off Big Cheese and the Rude Noise while T-Bone and Speedy were freeing their teammates.
“Easy, Venus,” T-Bone said, helping Venus down off the wall.
“I got you, Polly,” Speedy said as he helped Polly off the wall.
“If you guys are done freeing each other, can you help me out over here?!” Kari shouted as she continued to dodge Peak’s spike glove. Suddenly, the roof crashed in. Four cats stood together in a row when they appeared.
“Never fear, the Rescue Team’s here!” they said.
“General Catton, it’s about time you go there. I paged you five minutes ago!” Speedy said.
“We got stuck behind a flock of ducks,” General Catton replied.
“OK, where’s the bad guy? Let us at ’em!” another Rescue Team member said.
“You’re standing on him, Spritz,” Kari said, walking past them.
“Huh?” the Rescue Team asked, looking at their feet. They found Peak, crushed under their feet and growling.
“Whoops. Sorry,” one of the Rescue Team members said. Peak cawed and pushed them off his back. Each Rescue Team member was knocked onto his back. Kari whimpered as Peak turned his eyes to her.
“Oh, shit,” she said to herself.
“You’re starting to bug me, kid,” he said.
“Good, then *this* should bug you more.” She started to type on the miniature keyboard and pressed “Enter.” Then Viper and Cleopatra came jumping on him.
“Mangy mutt! Alley cat!” Peak growled, throwing both pets off. Viper whimpered and Cleopatra screeched.
“Uh-oh. First time my writings blew up in my face,” Kari said.
“And now, you’re mine, you little brat.”
“Uh, SKs, PCs, is it too much to ask for a little backup?”
“We’re here for ya, Kari! Pizza Cats, prepare to fight!” Speedy said as Guido, Polly, and Bad Bird gathered together.
“Swat Kats, prepare to kick tail!” T-Bone said as the other Swat Kats gathered with the Pizza Cats. Peak turned around to face the two teams.
“Ha! Do you really think you guys can beat me? I mean, come on! I’m more powerful than Worc! There’s no way you can defeat me!”
“He has a point, Speedy,” Guido said.
“Kari, could you help us out on what to do?” T-Bone asked. Kari started typing on the miniature keyboard again.
“You know how the Pizza Cats destroyed the ancient armor of Worc, right? They used a combination blast called thh Triple Whammy to beat it. All of you guys have to strike at the same time and that might destroy his invisibility!” Kari said.
“Sounds good enough to me. Let’s do it!” Each Pizza Cat each separated to do their strike moves.
“Well, you’ve seen it before, folks, and you’re seeing it again. It’s the Pizza Cats’ remarkable Triple Whammy! This time, we’re adding Good Bird in on the action! And it costs a fortune each time we do a whammy blast like this!” the Narrator said. A circle of pink smoke traveled behind Speedy as he held up his ginzu sword. Polly grabbed onto her flute that hung from her belt. Blue fire is seen in the background. Guido throws his umbrella into the air and jumps onto it. He holds up his sword as blue fire is seen in the background. Bad Bird flies up into the air and holds his sword high above his head as red fire appears in the background. Speedy receives another ginzu sword (I heard it’s name is Binky. Don’t ask. I don’t know myself) and he crosses them both in front of his face. Polly takes out her sword and crosses it with her flute. Guido’s sword is engulfed with fire. Bad Bird’s sword also engulfs fire and he takes the handles and prepares to swing it.
“Come on, guys. It’s your turn!” Speedy said.
“You heard him, SKs. Let’s do it!”
“And now, the Swat Kats get into the action. What they’re doing is the same sequence that the Pizza Cats are doing right this very second! Gee, if the producers are spending this much money on special effects, maybe they’ll give me a raise,” Narrator said. T-Bone holds his sword out in front of him and watches as fire engulfs it. Also, yellow fire appears in the background. Razor takes out his whip and prepares to crack it with a small spark appearing at the end. In his background is replaced with green lightning. Quiver blows on her stars and watches the frost appear on them. Her background is replaced with light blue ice shards. Venus loads an arrow into her bow and pulls the string back. Her background is replaced with a lava background. Kari takes out her CD-Roms and suddenly, they start to glow. Her background is replaced with stars and colorful bubbles.
“We’re ready, Speedy!” T-Bone said.
Speedy raised his swords over his head and says the following before bringing the swords down, “Cats’ Eye Slash!” Guido then swings his sword.
“Rewo!” Then Polly moved her weapons up on one side and down on the other, creating a heart behind her.
“Here’s my heart, coming at ya!” She reversed the sequence and the heart came flashing forward. Bad Bird then swung his sword.
“Bird’s Talon Slash!”
“Fireballs, ignite!” T-Bone said, swinging his sword.
“Supreme thunderbolts, crash!” Razor said, cracking his whip.
“Ice shards, blast!” Quiver said, throwing her stars.
“Fire arrows, burn!” Venus said, releasing her arrow.
“CD-Roms, slice!” Kari said, throwing her CD-Roms. Each force of power collected together and hit Peak. As hard as he tried to keep his ground, he was no match for the awesome power. He was thrown through the wall and was blown into the distance.
“Ha ha! Time to do our pose, guys!” Speedy said, crossing his swords in front of himself. Polly, Guido, and Bad Bird stood beside him in a victory pose. The Rescue Team, even though they did not really do anything, got into a pose of their own.
“That was *so* cool! So, you still think I’m not worth having around, T-Bone?” Kari asked as she put her hair back up in a ponytail.
“I gotta admit, you came through for us. Thanks, kiddo,” T-Bone said, patting her shoulder. Kari smiled, then a concerned look came to her face.
“I just thought of something. While we were fighting Peak, what happened to the Big Cheese and Rude Noise?”
“Holy kats, you’re right! They must’ve sneaked out!” T-Bone said. Kari looked around the room and whistled.
“Viper, here, boy! Cleo, here kitty, kitty!”
“Looks like they made off with Kari’s pets, too,” Bad Bird said.
“Oh, man, Mom’s gonna kill me. We gotta find them!”
“But where are they now?” Polly asked.
“Hey, maybe the Narrator knows. How about it?”
“I heard cat meows coming from down the hall heading for the roof. Big Cheese is going to get away in a helicopter!” the Narrator said.
“Then we better hurry. Let’s go, guys!” T-Bone said as the two teams ran out of the room. Princess Vi just entered as they left. Her eyes bulged out when she saw the mess that happened.
“Someone’s going to get a one-way pass to Prisoner’s Island for this!” she screamed.
“Gee, for someone with a sore throat, she’s pretty loud,” Narrator said. Big Cheese, Jerry Attrick, and the Rude Noise were just loading into a helicopter with Viper and Cleopatra both growling.
“Shut up, you household pests,” Jerry said.
“C’mon, Jerry. Let’s go cause some havoc!” Big Cheese said.
“Not so fast, Cheesy!” a voice said.
“Oh, not them again. Take off!”
“Taking off, sir!” The helicopter lifted of the ground as the Swat Kats and Pizza Cats got onto the roof.
“Ha ha ha! Been nice knowing you, Pizza Cats, but we gotta go destroy Little Tokyo!” Big Cheese said, waving to them.
“We’ll never catch up with them now,” Venus said.
“On the contrary, Venus. The Pizza Cats can catch them with the help of the Supreme Catatonic and become the Extra-Topping Pizza Cats,” Kari said.
“Uh, in case you missed that one episode, the Supreme Catatonic was destroyed by the comet,” Speedy said.
“Yeah, but that doesn’t mean those goony birds were destroyed, right?”
“Gee, I never thought about that. Well, what are we waiting for, then?” Speedy raised up his sword and a light reflected the hilt. In the distance, three robot goony birds were flying towards them.
“All right! Let’s suit up, gang!” In the helicopter, Big Cheese was trying to hold back Cleopatra, who was once again on his kimono and was trying to scratch his face.
“Would someone get this cat off me?! She’s getting on my nerves!”
Jerry looked back and said, “Speaking of people who can get on your nerves.” Big Cheese looked in shock to see Kari wearing a jetpack outside the window.
“Hey! Get out of here!” Kari slammed her fist into the glass and broke the window.
“Want some advice, Big Cheese? Give up! I’ll take my cat, if you don’t mind,” she said, grabbing the cat from Big Cheese. Then she stuck her index and pinkie in her mouth and whistled. Then Viper jumped on Big Cheese’s lap. Kari grabbed hold of him, too. Then she flew away from the window and back onto the roof of the palace. She put her pets down and flew back into the air.
“All right, guys. Let’s take ’em out!”
“What guys?” Big Cheese asked.
“I think she means *those* guys, Seymour,” Jerry said, pointing ahead of the helicopter’s nose. The Pizza Cats were now in new armor that the robot birds were made of. Bad Bird was flapping his wings and Kari and the Swat Kats were using their jetpacks to stay by the Pizza Cats.
“Here’s where we take out the Big Cheese,” Speedy said.
“Ready when you are, Speedy,” Razor said as he and the other Swat Kats raised their glovatrixes and aimed at the helicopter. Out of Kari’s miniature keyboard came a small cannon that she aimed at the helicopter.
“I think this would be the time to panic,” Jerry said.
“Good idea. Aah!” Big Cheese screamed.
“Ready, aim, fire!” Each Swat Kats fired their glovatrix and Kari fired her cannon. Speedy once again did the Cats’ Eye Slash. The helicopter exploded. The Rude Noise were blown in one direction while Big Cheese and Jerry were flying in another. Big Cheese clenched his teeth and turned bright red.
“I’ve got such a headache!” he said, then exploded.
“Whoa, does he do that every time he loses?” T-Bone asked.
“Yeah. Isn’t it cool?” Kari asked.
“Back at the Pizza Parlor later that evening, the Pizza Cats are saying good-bye to their friends, the Swat Kats and Kari,” the Narrator said.
“Glad you guys could come along and help. We really couldn’t have done it without you,” Speedy said.
“Hey, we could’ve done it without Kari. You should be in the stories more often, kid. Especially in crossovers,” T-Bone said, putting his paw on Kari’s shoulder.
“I just might plan to do that, T-Bone,” Kari said, holding her cat and petting her dog.
“Well, we better get going. By the way, Bad Bird, what did Peak mean when he said something you should’ve done long ago? Was it destroying the Pizza Cats?” Quiver asked.
“Not exactly. It was making Papa proud,” Bad Bird said, hanging his head.
“Yeah, I made a vow to Papa somewhere in Episode 7: ‘The Nuclear Potato’ that I wouldn’t let the Pizza Cats beat me. But… I never did it. But I don’t care anymore.”
“Hmm. Look, guys, we gotta get going. Mom’s going to be worried about me if she doesn’t find me anywhere in the house,” Kari said.
“Who’s writing the story if you’re here anyway?” Polly asked.
“I am.” Both teams look at Kari, strangely.
“Don’t ask. You wouldn’t understand.” Venus shrugged and the Swat Kats disappear.
“Well, I’m glad that’s done. Let’s go have a pizza,” Speedy said as he and Guido and Polly walked into the Parlor. Bad Bird walked over to his house across the street and looked up at the stars. I’m sorry, Papa. I can never make you proud again, he thought. Then he walked inside. MegaKat City, present. The Swat Kats head for their lockers after they got back.
“What a night. Razor, if you find anything like that transporter again, I am personally going to shred it apart,” Quiver said, taking off her mask.
“Trust me, I’m never going to ask Kari what something is for awhile. She just might decide to turn it into something else,” Razor said.
“OK, I’m sorry for all that trouble, but, hey, it was something to do,” Kari said off-screen.
“Are you staying at your keyboard from now on, Kari, and not appearing in the stories?” Venus asked.
“Chayeah, right. You can count on me being in future stories. I mean, how are you guys going to stop me?”
“I’d say no, but then she would delete me from future stories and who wants that?” T-Bone asked.
“Well, it’s late. Kari, you better get some sleep, too,” Quiver said.
“Well, I am tired. I’ll wrap up the story and leave you there to get ready for bed.”
Well, that was interesting. I have nothing more to say but good night!
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Disclaimer: SWAT Kats: The Radical Squadron is copyright to Hanna-Barbera Cartoons Inc. All Rights Reserved. © 1995. All other characters and material within this page are the property of their respective creators.