The title should give you a clue to what this is all about. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, shame on you! How can you not know the greatest comic ever made!? ……
Note: The Gauls have a French accent and the Romans have an Italian accent. I’ve made them all kats for convenience sake ’cause I don’t want to handle any confusing crossover. So this is a spoof of some sort I guess. It’s not how I thought it would turn out, but I thought it was a good idea, so I did it.
“I’m at the museum, guys. And so is the Pastmaster.” said a very worried Deputy Mayor.”He’s gotten hold of some marble document.”
“Knowing him, he’s up to no good. We’re on our way Ms Briggs.” replyed Razor “Deputy Mayor? Where are you?” Callie could hear Abi Sinian call out for her.She stood out from under the desk, making sure the Pastmaster didn’t see her.
“Over here, Dr. Sinian.” she waved to the curator. Abi rushed towards her and they both hid under the desk.
“Don’t worry. The Swat Kats are on their way.” assured Callie.
“I can’t figure out why the Pastmaster would want a marble document from ancient Rome.”
“Maybe it’s something else.”
“No. I checked it thoroughly. It’s nothing more than inscriptions on marble. I haven’t deciphered the inscriptions yet….”
“Maybe that’s what he’s after- a spell.”
“Ummm…no. The Romans never specialised in witchcraft.They were very practical. Especially in warfare. Their empire was the biggest ever.”
“So I heard in my history class…. I think that’s all I heard.”
Abi was about to reply when they heard the sound of the Turbokat’s engine.
“Is it safe to come out now?” asked Abi.
“I guess so.” replyed Callie.
The two of them stepped out from the desk to see the Swat Kats standing at the entrance of the room.
“What happened? Where’s the Pastmaster?”asked Callie.
“He got away, again.” muttered T-bone in anger.
“Yeah. With that marble slab.” added Razor.
“I don’t think it will do him any good anyway.” said Abi.
“But Dr. Sinian, everything the Pastmaster had tried to take from the museum was of some importance to him.” contradicted Razor.
“If that’s the case, then there must be something on that slab that meant a lot to him. But it’s definitely not magic.Luckily, I was copying down some of the inscriptions when the Deputy Mayor,here, wanted to meet me. It will take me some time to decipher it.”
“Good. We’ll need all the help we can get. Thanks Dr. Sinian.”
The curator smiled and nodded.
“Wanna lift home, Ms. Briggs?” asked T-bone courteously.
“Thanks, but my car is outside. I can drive home.” Callie waved goodbye to all of them and walked out of the room.
“Phase one of my plan is complete.” remarked the Pastmaster as he looked through the inscriptions while sitting on a tombstone in the graveyard, “Those idiots will never know what hit them until it is too late.
The Pastmaster threw the marble slab into the open grave and headed for the abandoned tower. When he reached the top he held out his watch towards the sky and chanted a spell.
The Pastmaster’s trademark special effects began to act up in the sky above the tower. He levitated and floated into his time portal. After he went in it disappeared.
“LEGIONARIES!!!!” screamed the huge kat.
The cohort of soldiers in front of him immediately began to wince. Remarks like ‘I wish he would shut up and go away’ began to arise from the lines.
“You are a total disgrace to the Roman Army!” continued the kat, standing as dominating as he could.The other soldiers didn’t seem to bother. They were too busy tending their wounds.
“A whole Roman garrison of the finest soldiers the army could ever provide and you couldn’t defeat a puny village full of puny gauls!?”
“Who said they’re puny? Those Gauls are invincible, Centurion.” whined one of the soldiers, taking off his helmet to massage the bump on his head.
“I don’t understand it! I just don’t understand it. How is it that everyone who’s come into this region of Gaul has returned crazy?”
“That’s because that village is full of crazy madkats!” shrieked another soldier.
“Ya! Especially that big fat one and that little one and that dog!”
“They’re all barbarians!”
“Let’s leave this place! I want to go home!”
Remarks began to spread and it soon caused confusion throughout the fortified Roman camp of Compendium. Everyone was very eager to go back to Rome and raise a family.
“SILENCE! We are not to leave here until Caesar gives the order. Understood?
Now the camp was rumbling with grumbles and wise cracks.And in a far off corner a voice could be heard – “Then you simmer slowly until the lobster becomes a golden brown. But if it becomes more brown just add some vinegar for flavour….”
“Hey!The Prefect of Gaul is here!” yelled the lookout. This was enough to cause an even bigger uproar in the camp
“SILENCE! Okay, let’s see what he wants.Open the gates.” said the Centurion.
The gates opened and in came the prefect on a horse followed by four Roman soldiers. The Centurion saluted his superior like a good soldier should.
“Ave Prefect! This is an honour.”
“The honour’s all yours, Centurion Crismus Expensus. Caesar want’s to see you.” said the Prefect, a bit figity.
“Ya, and all the other Centurions from the other camp. Caesar said to inform you especially, since you’re new in these parts and don’t know the Gauls that well.”
“Oh.” the Centurion blinked.
“You have your orders, Expensus. Carry them out. This seems to be urgent.”
“We will be leaving next week.Let us start regrouping. The sooner we get out of here the better.”
“Right. I’m off. Ave.”
And Centurion Crismus Expensus went back into his tent to pack.
“Did you find anything,Dr. Sinian?” asked Razor, looking at the computer screen.
“One thing’s for sure.” replied Abi,”The Pastmaster doesn’t know much about the Roman period. Maybe he didn’t want to know untill now.”
“Why would he want to know now?”
“Maybe we’ll just have to wait and see what he tries next.”
“Yeah, but will it be too late?”
“I wish I could answer that one.”
“Found anything, buddy?” asked T-bone, also looking at the computer screen.
“Nah. Let’s head back to the hanger.”
“Ave Caesar!” saluted the Centurions of the four fortified Roman camps and the Prefect.
“Ave ave.” replied the conqueror waving his hand impatienty,”There’s someone here I want you to meet.”
A small figure stepped out from behind him.
“It’s the little Gaul!” yelled one of the Centurions in panic.
“No no! He’s someone called the Pastmaster. See?” he addressed the little kat, “He thinks everyone who’s a midget is a dangerous madkat.What use will your plan be then?”
“Permit me to ask, O Great Caesar, what *is* his plan?” asked Expensus, with politeness and dicipline in his manner.
“It’s like this. The Pastmaster,here, is a wizard who can travel through time. He plans to bring the whole of Rome into the future.He will teach us how to master the skies with….what?…machines, yes, thus giving us the power to conquer the places of the future. It should be easy as the future kats have no fighting technique.In this way he can have his revenge on the kats that caused him trouble.”
“Can he really do that?” asked another Centurion.
“You dare mock my abilities!?” yelled Pastmaster.
“This is indeed a good venture. It will bring fame to the Romans not only in the present but in the future as well.But he is planning to bring the whole Roman empire into the future.”
“That doesn’t mean bringing those indomitable Gauls too, no? asked another Centurion.
“I said I’ll bring the Roman empire into the future. Anything out of it will not be brought.”
“Then that means no Gauls. Lets get on with it!” yelled a centurion.
“Yes! Lets do it!” yelled a few others.
The crowd began to shout and scream until Caesar raised his paw to silence them.
“You have a point there, Pastmaster. I shall go through with this. For the glory of Rome!” Caesar stood up and hailed his vast empire.
“For the glory of Rome!” repeated the rest of them also hailing.
“I think he’s found something.” said the incredibly huge kat to his little friend.He pointed at the little white dog in front of him. The dog, no bigger than a normal puppy, was pointing his nose towards the bushes The two kats waited till they heard a soft rustling in the bushes.
“Let’s get ’em!” yelled the big kat in pure delight and the two kats shot off like a bolt of lighting.
At the same time, a couple of wild boars shot off in the same direction away from the sprinting kats. The chase through the lush forest was short.
“Good day to hunt boar and Romans, huh Asterix?” commented the big kat, walking along the known trail with two boars tucked under his arms.
“You bet, Obelix. I think the reinforcements have arrived in the camps. The Centurion in the camp of Compendium must be new.”
“I hope he stays new.It suddenly seems very hard to get Romans as it is hard to get wild boar.”
“I wonder if this boar hunting is going to lead to something…but I can’t worry about that now. Let’s go home and….”
“Hey Asterix, what’s this?”
Asterix looked forward and found himself standing in front of a twisted hunk of metal. To future generations- a really broken down car.
“I don’t know. I’ve never seen anything like this before.Let’s bring the druid to examine it.”
“I’ve got a better idea.”
Obelix went over to the car and picked it up with ease.
“Hey, this is lighter than a menhir.”
Asterix just smiled.To Obelix, everything is lighter than a menhir and probably the menhir itself.
“Alright. Let’s go now.”
Asterix was about to pick up his boar when he found something else in it’s place.
“What the…another one?”
“I’ll carry that too.” offered Obelix and picked up the other mashed car with his free paw.Under it was the missing wild boar.
“Something strange is going on here.” said Asterix, picking up the boar carefully.
“Dogmatix? What is he howling for?”
“The tree got replaced by this.” said Obelix, pointing at the fire hydrant which was in the tree’s place.
“That does it! No tree hurts my little Dogmatix!” Obelix was about to tear the fire hydrant to bits when Asterix stopped him.
“It could be dangerous. We don’t know what it is. Let’s get back to the village, quick!
The two kat warriors picked up their dinner and ran for their village, not noticing the amount of change that was happening behind them…
“AAAAAAAH! KEEP IT AWAY FROM ME!!!!” yelled the blacksmith and jumped on the fish monger in fright.
“What is that!” screamed the fish monger.
“It’s worse than your fish!”
“Nothing’s worse than my fish!”
“A fight! A fight!” yelled a villager and soon peace began to reign in the little Gaulish village we all know so well….
“YOU ROTTEN STINKING LOT!I’M NOT SELLING…..what’s this?”
“Um….I don’t know….”
“Oh well.” the fishmonger threw the can of Kitty Cola away and began again-
“YOU ROTTEN STINKING LOT! I’M NOT SELLING MY FISH TO YOU AGAIN….”
“Asterix, they’re fighting without us.” remarked Obelix, watching at the enterance of the village.
“No time for that. O druid Getafix!” Asterix waved at the old kat who was sitting in a corner, watching the fight.He waved back to him. Asterix walked up to him followed by Obelix and Dogmatix.
“What is it this time?” he asked the druid, pointing to the fight scene.
“Unhygienix’s fish again. But it started with what Fulliautomatix found…”
The druid led them to Fulliautomatix’s workshop. As they approached it, it turned into a towering pile of scrap metal.
“Hey! Same bunch of things as this.” said Obelix, examining the cars in the pile and the car he was holding.
“What’s going on, O druid?” asked Asterix, worried.
“I don’t know. I’ve never experienced anything like this before.This is far beyond what I can comprehend.” replied Getafix, equally worried.
“What’s that smell?” asked Obelix, sniffing the air.
“Unhygienix’s fish?” asked Asterix.
“No. Nothing’s worse than Unhygienix’s f…..”
Obelix couldn’t continue as the fish hit him squarely in the mouth.
“Wait here, Asterix, while I return this fish.” said Obelix curteously and joined in the fight.
“The air….” pondered Getafix,”Excess of…carbon…smoke…”
“What do you make of it, O druid?” asked Asterix.
“Smells like someone has been burning something for a very very long time..”
“Asterix! My hut disappeared!” yelled another kat.
Asterix could see the chief of the village running towards him, carrying his shield.He stopped before the three kats, panting.
“I went to get my shield bearers when the hut just vanished!”
“Strange things are happening, O chief Vitalstatistix. Even the druid isn’t sure what is going on.”
“Say Asterix, maybe we can ask the Romans. I love investigating Roman camps.” suggested Obelix, sweet memories of past triumphs rushing in.
“That’s a great idea, Obelix. Yes, let’s get some answers from the Romans.” said Asterix.
“I’ll make the magic potion.I have a feeling we will be needing plenty of it
Asterix nodded. The fight had ended since the villagers began to panic. One by one, their homes were disappearing and their surroundings became more and more strange. Piles of scrap metal, the likes of which they have never seen before , began to appear here and there.
“Oh piggywiggy! Is the sky going to fall on our heads?” whispered Impedimenta to her husband.
“Sky looks pretty normal…..” began Vitalstatistix.
“We’re going to the Roman camps surrounding the village.” informed Asterix to the chief.
“What village!?” yelled one of the villagers.
Sure enough, there was no more village. Just an open yard with plenty of junk and a huge box house.
“That looks just like the houses in Rome, no Obelix?” asked Asterix, curious
“The ones where people live on top of one another….these Romans are crazy!
“How did that get here?” asked Getafix to no one in particular,”Asterix, I suggest you and Obelix stay here untill things calm down a bit.”
None of the villagers noticed the two kats staring at them from behind one of the heaps.
“Is this what Pastmaster was planning?”
“Dunno, buddy. Those kats look like they were from 50 BC or so.They wouldn’t stand a chance.”
“Why don’t we go ask them what they want?”
“Good idea….or maybe not. That fat guy looks dangerous.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll protect you.”
“Thanks Chance. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
The kat sounded sarcastic enough to make the other kat smile sheepishly.
“Chance, we have to be careful. I mean, did you see the way that kat lifts those cars as if they were nothing?”
“Yeah yeah. Pretty impressive.”
“Let’s wait a while and then move in.”
An animal growl suddenly caused the two kats’ attention to fall behind them. A little dog was looking savagely at them and growling.
“Um….hey,fella.” began Jake, gently lowering his paw towards the dog.The dog suddenly began to bark wildly. Jake immediately drew his paw back.
“Now look what you did. You got him all upset.” said Chance, giving Jake a dirty look.
The two kat then heared a yell from afar, which came close very fast. As they turned around, they saw the fat, huge kat with blue and white striped breeches standing before them.He grabbed them both by the colars and carried them back to the place where all his friends were, followed by the little dog.
“Asterix, I have bad news.” began druid Getafix. He didn’t know how to break the news to his young friend. Asterix looked very worried. “We don’t have much ingredients for the magic potion.Just enough to make two gourds-full.” He handed the gourds to Asterix.
“Then we’ll just have to survive on this untill we can find the ingredients in this strange world.” said Asterix, keeping the gourds in his belt,”How come you don’t have the ingredient?”
“My hut disappeard. We don’t have our village for protection anymore. We need a place to live.”
“Hey Asterix, look what Dogmatix found.”
In came Obelix, carrying two kats dressed in strange clothes.
“Let go of me, you fat oaf.” said the bigger one, struggling to get out of Obelix’s grasp.
Obelix dropped the two on the floor and took the big one by the collar. “I may be an oaf, BUT I AM NOT FAT!” he screamed into his face.
“The heck you’re not fat,*fatty*!” yelled back the other one, still struggling to get out of the grasp. He kicked Obelix’s left shin. It hurt a little for him, but not enough to make Obelix release him.
“I-AM-NOT-FAT!!!!!” yelled Obelix again, and shook the kat wildly.
Asterix could see the other kat get panicky.
“Leave my friend alone!” he screamed, rushing to Obelix.
“Leave him alone, Obelix. He’s not a Roman, and I don’t think these two asked for trouble either.” said Asterix.He was very impressed with this big kat’s nerve. Hardly anyone who didn’t know Obelix could stand up to him like that. Besides, he seemed to mean something to the other one.
Obelix obeyed and placed the big kat on his feet and held him for sometime saying- “I’m just nicely covered.” The kat nodded and sat down. The other kat knelt before him and held him.
“Chance, are you all right?” he asked.
“Um….I think so….where’s that guy. I’ll give him one for!”
“Take it easy, friend.” began druid Getafix,”I assume you speak British?”
“Um…yes,we do, sort of…who are you?” asked the small one.
“No no. First you tell us who you are and we’ll tell you who we are.” So the kats of the present and the past introduced themselves to each other. Druid Getafix used a drop of the magic potion to revive Chance.
“What’s that?” asked Jake.
“Magic Potion.” replied Getafix.
“What does it do?”
“Well, anyone who drinks it gets superfeline strength, so to speak.”
“Wow! Is it harmless?”
“Perfectly. It’s the reason why we’re not conquered by the Romans yet.”
“Can I have some?” asked Obelix eagerly.
“How many times do I have to tell you – you don’t need it, it’s dangerous.”
“Why not?” asked Jake curiously.
“Ya, ya, I fell into the magic potion when I was a baby, blah blah blah….”
And Obelix went into a corner to sulk.
“Huh?” asked Jake.
“Whatever he said. That’s the only thing he hasn’t tasted and he’s very upset about it.”
Jake’s attention turned to Chance who had woken up.
“How do you feel, Chance?”
“I…I feel great, stronger, like I could rip off this whole place apart with my bare claws.”
“And you could, Chance.” said Getafix, making Chance’s attention turn to him “But it’ll only last for an hour or so.Sorry I couldn’t give you more. We’re experiencing a magic potion shortage.”
“And that’s not good, considering that the Romans will attack any minute.” said Asterix seriously.
“Romans? Here?” asked Jake.
“We can take ’em . No prob.” said Chance, confidently.
“Huh?” said the three Gauls.
“He means we can get rid of them. We have advanced technology that can do that for us.”
“Druid Getafix…” began Asterix.
“They can thump the Romans for us.” explained Getafix.
“And we won’t need the magic potion.” said Jake.
“I dunno, Jake. I could get to like this.” said Chance, trying out the new strength he acquired by lifting up a few not-very-easy-to-lift-up things.
A MONTH LATER
Asterix, Obelix, Dogmatix,Chance and Jake made their way out of the Garage and into the city in their tow truck.
“Jake, are you sure we can loan these people our hanger and garage?” whispered Chance to Jake.
“Why not? They may be strong, but they’re also stupid, save Asterix and Getafix.
“I wonder why all their names end in an ‘ix’ sound?”
“Must be some way of naming in the past. They must think our names are weird
Asterix was very worried about his friend.Obelix didn’t look at all well. That was the reason they were going into the city.
“Don’t worry Obelix. There has to be a substitute for boar somewhere.”
“I hate pizza.”
“It’s not that bad.”
“I hate pizza.”
“Stop acting like a baby, Obelix. You have to learn how to adapt.”
Obelix suddenly burst out crying.He fell over Asterix and weeped as much as he could. Asterix looked over at Chance and Jake who were staring.This was indeed embarrasing.
“BOOHOOHOO!I WANT MY BOAR!” cried Obelix, and sobbed a little more.
“What a bore.” said Asterix to himself,”Obelix, just hold on for a little longer.We’ll get out of this era soon.”
“>Sniff< You think so?”
“Sure.Now calm down.” Asterix gently patted his friend on the back.
“Okay.” said Obelix, holding on to his friend for support. He was also comforted by Dogmatix who was licking him soothingly.Chance and Jake just couldn’t imagine how a kat could be so addicted to an animal that got extinct so long ago.All they had was pizza and soda cans which didn’t seem to appeal to any of the Gauls at first, but everyone had gotten used to them except Obelix, of course.
“Is it much farther?” asked Asterix.
“No.The museum isn’t that far from the garage.” replied Jake.
Suddenly the emergency beeper began to ring.
“What’s that?” asked Asterix.The two Gauls and the dog were a little starled
“Trouble.” said Chance and picked up the communicator,”Yes Ms Briggs?”.
“Swat Kats, the city’s under attack by a huge army of fighter jets and,you won’t believe this, Romans!”
“ROMANS!?” yelled Obelix, jumping up immediately,a sly twinkle in his eyes. If food didn’t turn him on, then Romans would.
“What’s that?” asked Callie.
“Um…We believe it Ms Briggs.We’re on our way.”
“A ….transmitter?” asked Asterix, pointing at the communicator.
“You’re not bad, Asterix.” said Jake, as he switched on a few switches.
“Hang on, this is gonna be bumpy.” warned Chance.
“What’s gonna be bump….” began Obelix. The trusters behind the tow truck yelled to life and the truck flew down the road. Asterix and Obelix held on to their seats and Obelix held on to Dogmatix.This was just like running after drinking a dose of magic potion. Of course that was natural for Obelix
The new-and-improved Thunder truck raced down the road with T-bone and Razor in front and Asterix, Obelix and Dogmatix at the back. The Swat Kats decided to take them along as they knew Romans better than they did.”Razor…I don’t believe this!” gasped T-bone. The sky was swarming with jets that nearly blocked out the sun.They were in incredible numbers and they attacked the city in packs of five. They flew in that immence precision and order that defied anything the Swat kats had seen in their enforcer days.Their missles landed in the exact position which was targetted, which luckily wasn’t the Thunder truck.
“So where are the Romans?” asked Obelix.
“Um…I don’t think you’ll have a problem finding them.” said Razor, pointing in front of them.
In front of them was a whole Roman garrison, led by Cismus Expensus.
“LEGIONARIES! ATTACK!” he gave the order. And the legionaries in their famous fighting style, attacked.Asterix saw them comming and swung into action while taking a swing of magic potion.
“You’ll need this.” he said to T-bone and Razor, tossing the second gourd of magic potion to them.
He jumped out of the Thunder truck followed by Obelix and Dogmatix.T-bone and Razor took a gulp of magic potion each and jumped out of the truck too.
“Can I have them Asterix?” asked Obelix eagerly.
“Go ahead, Obelix. But leave some for me.”
Obelix didn’t listen. He charged into the garrison and scattered them all over the place.
The usual fight scene of old Gaul followed with shouts of ‘By Toutatis’ and ‘By Jupiter’ and the occational ‘Bye-Bye’.And in the middle, a few stray voices in the background.
“Hey Centurion! I thought you said no Gauls!” yelled a roman.
“Shut up and retreat….OUCH!” yelled back the centurion after getting bitten by Dogmatix.
Back at the Thunder Truck, T-bone and Razor were having their own fun with the new Roman garrison that showed up.Razor was clearing all the dislocated bodies from the Thunder Truck while T-bone was chucking in more.
“I like these Gauls.” T-bone remarked, “They really know how to have fun.”
“I don’t think this is fun.” replied Razor sarcastically, moving another body away when he spotted something.
“T-bone! Incoming missles!” he yelled, pointing upwards.T-bone waited untill the two missles spotted by Razor where in clear sight.He caught them as they came down on the truck and hurled them back.
“Now they’re outgoing!” he said triumphantly and watched the missles fly. One hit the jet it came from and the other missed.
“You really oughta work on yer aim, buddy.” mocked Razor. T-bone just stuck his tongue out at him, and threw the roman ,who had attacked him from behind off his back.
A lone pirate ship sailed over Megakat bay.
“You in the crow’s nest.What’s that up ahead?” demanded the captain.
“Um…it’s a…i don’t know, cap’n, but it’s headed here real fast…>gulp<”
The stray missle came screeching down and found it’s mark. The remark- “Oh no! Not again!” was followed by a huge explotion, the aftermath of which was a portion of Megakat bay littered with logs of wood.
“Cheer up, Cap’n!” said one of the cheery pirates,”At least we’re getting used to it.”
Back in the city, the Swat kats and the Gauls were in the Thunder truck.The first Roman Air Force was giving them a good challenge. T-bone had to dodge all the missles fired at them which was difficult since they were the prime target.Razor had to fire back.Obelix was at the back throwing back the missles which were meant for them.Asterix and Dogmatix were just clinging on to their seats.
“I think it’s time we tried out that new thing i installed.” said Razor.
“Better make it quick, buddy.” replied T-bone.
“Engaging Vertical Thrusters!”
Razor switched on a switch which activated a mechanism that produced a broad joystick.
“Wow! How do you make it do that?” asked Asterix, impressed and eager to learn.
“I don’t think you’re ready for it.Even T-bone doesn’t know.” replied Razor.
He pushed the trottle joystick forward.The thrusters at the bottom of the truck burned to life and lifted the vehicle into the air.The truck landed on a building.
“Works like a charm.” said Razor, pleased. T-bone hid the truck behind the stairwell, under the shade.
“Hey. This is the museum.” said T-bone, recognising the familiar surroundings.
“Just the place we were looking for.” said Asterix, and jumped off the truck “Let’s see this female druid.”
“Dr. Sinian.” corrected T-bone.
“Okay. Dr. Sinian. Come on. Show the way.” T-bone shrugged and led the group into the building, down the stairs and to the main hall.
“Swat Kats! Am I glad to see you.” came a voice from behind a desk.Abi stood up from behind it.
“What? Again?” asked Razor teasingly.
“Um…yeah. Pastmaster came here again.He wanted to use the building to bring the Roman Empire into the present. He succeeded in it too.”
“So we see.” said Asterix.
“Who are you?” asked Abi,”You looked like someone from ancient Gaul.”
“That we are.I’ll explain to you later.Any idea how we can undo this?”
“Only the Pastmaster can do that. He has a watch which casts the spell.”
“Asterix, why don’t we find this guy and ask him to take us back so that i can have my wild boar.” suggested Obelix, a little pleased to have mastered some new age slang.
“Good idea, Obelix. But where do we find him?”
“I think he’s at city hall.” said Abi.
“City hall? That means…” began Razor.
“CALLIE!” yelled the two Swat Kats, and they rushed out of the room and up the stairs.
Asterix smiled and went after them.
“What’s with them?” asked Obelix dazed.
“I’ll tell you later.” said Asterix, “Y’know, Obelix. One of these days I just have to have that talk with you.”
“Well, what’s keeping you. You said that when you didn’t believe storks deliver kittens.”
“Let’s go, Obelix. We’re wasting time.”
Obelix looked at his little dog, who looked back at him innocently. He shrugged and went after Asterix.
“Callie, what do they want!?” whispered Mayor Manx fiercely into Callie’s ear.
“I don’t know, Mayor.” replied Callie, unable to reason out anything.
The two where cornered by a Roman Garrison and the Pastmaster It looked like the Pastmaster was looking for more than a bride now.
“There’s someone here who would like to talk to you, Mayor Manx.” said Pastmaster cockily and moved aside.
In front of them was an old tom-kat with white fur and dressed in an ancient general’s battle armour, and had the air of a great kat – Julius Caesar himself.The sight of him made Callie wish she paid more attention in her history class.
“I like to speak to the ruler of this land.” said Caesar authoritatively.
“Um…” began Callie, before she realised she was pushed in front by Manx. If she wasn’t that scared she would have looked back and given him a dirty look.Right now she decided to stall.
“Um…I’m ruler of this land.” said Callie, using a macho voice.
“Not her…oh very well. She runs the city anyway.” said the Pastmaster, eyeing Callie.
Callie decided not to look at him.
“Very well. You will have to surrender your arms to me or face the consequences.Your land will now be linked with the Roman Empire which is now in this era.”
Suddenly the wall broke and in came Obelix, followed by T-bone Razor, Dogmatix and Asterix.
“Not all the Roman Empire, Julius. There’s still that Gaulish village….” began Asterix.
“Oh no! Not you two again!” said Pastmaster and Caesar together both referring to two different sets of kats.
“You forgot Dogmatix.” said Obelix, picking up his dog and pointing to him.
“Pastmaster! You said nothing outside the Roman Empire!” yelled Julius.
“Humph. Looks like the spell can’t separate such a small bit of land….or history has left out that village…”
“Ah! Just the fellow we want.” said Asterix, walking towards Pastmaster, breaking him from his train of thought.]
“Can I have him, Asterix?” asked Obelix.
“Go ahead, Obelix.” replied Asterix.
Obelix was about to pick Pastmaster up, when he suddenly began to sway.
Asterix watched in horror as his friend dropped to the ground.He ran up to him and put his ear on his huge stomach. Just as he suspected. He remembered something like this happening- the one major side effect too much magic potion had caused. He remembered one time he tried to put Obelix on a diet.He didn’t last long. And then Getafix told him he should be given a good supply of food, and in this day and age you had to pay for everything, which his friends couldn’t do.Now this has happened.
Asterix reached out for his gourd and then remembered they were all out of magic potion.
“Freeze, Gaul!” yelled the centurion.
Asterix saw every pilum in the garrison pointed at him and his friend. Dogmatix let out a deep throated growl, warning the Romans to keep away from his master, when somebody picked him up from behind.
Asterix could see his new age friends also having problems. T-bone and Razor were captured and tied up.
Luckily the two rulers weren’t around.
“Get rid of them all, along with this dog.” said Caesar, holding Dogmatix in his paw.
“You’re tied to a stake and you’re about to be shot.” answered T-bone,”I thought you were a strong kat.”
“Obelix? Are you alright?” asked Asterix, concerned.
“Hold on a little more, friend.” said Asterix, comfortingly.
“Till we get shot.” finished Razor.
Asterix sighed. This wasn’t exactly how he hoped this adventure would turn out – all of them tied to a stake and about to be pierced by a metal piece thrown at you at high speed. What a way to go.
Razor could see the chaos in the background. In front, he could see Julius Caesar looking at them sternly and Pastmaster looking with utmost pleasure. He then looked at his partner who looked back at him.
“Nice knowing you, partner.” said T-bone.
“Yeah, likewise.” replied Razor.
At least they would go together. Caesar wanted to prove he was merciful and not kill them one by one.
“I didn’t even get to see my village.” thought Asterix and suddenly came up with an idea to buy some time.
“O Caesar.Shouldn’t you be giving us a final wish?”
“It depends on what you ask for, Gaul.” replied Caesar.
“I would like to see my village. They are at this city’s salvage yard on the outskirts.”
Caesar thought for a moment.
“Granted, by Jupiter.”
“Oh Asterix! How could you leave us like this?” moaned chief Vitalstatistix.
“Shut up and think of some way to get us out!” whispered Asterix fiercely looking at the ten guards behind him.
“I’m afraid we can’t think of a way to come anywhere near you to untie the ropes.” whispered Getafix, or at least he tried to make himself clear to Asterix over the huge commotion among the village folk.
“Silence! Visiting time over! Now you die!” yelled Caesar, fed to the fangs with the whole lot of them.
“Not so fast.” came a voice from the crowd. Asterix nearly jumped when he heard the voice.He had forgotten all about him.
A kat pushed his way through the crowd and came to the stake.
“What are you doing up there, pray tell?”
“Cacofonix!” yelled Asterix in pure delight.He remembered Cacofonix had gone to Lutetia to meet that music composer, Fiddlestix, and since Lutetia was under the Roman Empire, he must have come with them.
“Cacofonix! For Belenos’ sake, SING!” yelled Asterix.
“Sing!?” blurted out T-bone, Razor and the Pastmaster.
“Oh no. Not him!” groaned Caesar. He knew what to expect.
“You want *me* to sing!?” asked Cacofonix, surprised.
“Yes, yes! Sing!” yelled all the other Gauls.
“Sing that new kind of ode you made yourself.” encouraged Asterix.
“The anacreonic one?”
“Yes yes. That one.”
“Well. Since you like it so much….” Cacofonix strummed his lyre and took a deep breath. All the Gauls began to stuff parsley the druid gave them in their ears. Asterix knew he had to suffer a little if he had to get out. Personally, he would have preferred the bullet.
“Brace yourselves.” Asterix warned T-bone and Razor.
“For what ?” asked T-bone.
The awful noise seemed to cause thunder clouds to form in the sky. It immediately poured buckets. The noise also seemed to smash a few windows, break all equipment and cause the entire Roman Army and Air Force to crumble. This was followed by moans and groans. The Roman soldiers couldn’t stand it anymore. The guards were so busy groaning that they didn’t notice the Gauls untie their friends and stuff parsley into their ears. They didn’t care.
“ENOUGH!ENOUGH!PLEASE STOP!” yelled Pastmaster, kneeling to the ground. No wonder this village was left out in history.
“I GIVE UP! I GIVE UP! STOP!!!” yelled Julius Caesar. This was too much for his poor old heart and blood pressure. Finally, Cacofonix stopped.
“Whew! Puff! Pant! So? What do you think?” he asked Asterix.
“Pardon?” asked Asterix, taking the parsely off his ear.
“You want to hear more…?”
“NO!!!!!!” yelled Pastmaster and came up to Asterix. “You want to go home? I’ll send you home. I don’t want anything to do with Gauls or Romans ever again!”
“Fine. Hop to it then.” replied Asterix.
The Pastmaster held up his watch, created a portal and was about to go in when a grapling hook caught hold of him.
“Oh no you don’t!” said Razor,”We’re gonna send Asterix, Obelix, his dog and that howler with you. If you don’t get everything back the way it was, the howler’ll give a special concert in honour of you.Right Asterix?”
“Absolutely, by Toutatis!” replied Asterix.
“Okay, fine. You got me.” said Pastmaster, defeated.
“You’ll be fine, Obelix. Hold on.” said Asterix, tying the grapling hook around Obelix’s leg.
“Here, Asterix. You might need this.” said Getafix, giving Asterix a flask.
“What!? We had…!?”
“Enough only for one person. I keep it for emergencies.”
“Thanks O druid.”
Asterix drank the magic potion and he, Obelix, Cacofonix and Dogmatix went into the portal with the Pastmaster.
After a while the whole Roman Army, Julius Caesar and the Gauls disappeared. Everything was back the way it was a month back, save the mess created by this whole affair.
T-bone and Razor went back to the Thunder Truck and rode home.
“You should have got that druid’s recipe for magic potion.” said Chance as the two mechanics watched the David Litterbin show.
“Nah. We wouldn’t be able to make it anyway. He uses herbs I never even knew existed. Let it be a secret.We’ve got technology on our side.”
“Yeah. Still, I like the way those Gauls fight.”
“Think we’ll ever see the Pastmaster again.”
“I think he’s had it with the past and the future for some time. I’m willing to bet we’ll never see those Gauls or Romans again.”
“Wonder how they are?”…..
As an answer to Jake’s question, let’s go back to the year 49 BC to the little Gaulish village in Armorica, where the village is again celebrating another victory over the Romans with a banquet under the stars.You can see Asterix chatting with Getafix about his adventure –
“Do you think the future is all that worth while, Getafix?”
“It depends on which era you’re born in. I prefer this one. Besides, who wants boxes that show pictures?”
“Or objects you can talk to.”
“Or objects named ‘Glovatrix’.”
“Or pizza.Yeach!” cut in Obelix as he munches down on his wild boar, a very happy kat, with out a care in the world.
“You have to get rid of that slang,though.” warned Getafix.
“The heck I will.” blurted out Obelix.
You can see Vitalstatistix giving a speech with no one listening, Geriatrix dancing with his wife…. and you can see the bard Cacofonix, the hero of this adventure, nicely wrapped up and hung from his high house in case the ending becomes too happy.
And what about the Romans? Well, they’ve decided to try and forget this whole incident and they’ve managed to succeed, and managed to get some good Italian recipies in the bargan and made a big effort not to be reminded of the future by them.
And the Pastmaster? He’s in another time, planning another revenge, but he won’t be bothering this era anymore……
FIN (I hope I’m right here – French is not my lang!)
Well? Did you like it? You didn’t!?! Go! I’m not talking to you…………
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