Most of the jokes in this story are Australian, so I’m truly sorry if you can’t understand them.
AND NOW, A WORD FROM CLENCH TIGHTLY :
“WHAT IS THE LOGICAL CONCLUSION? IS IT A CONCLUSION THAT IS LOGICAL OR JUST A PIECE OF SHIT WHIPPED UP BY SOME HALF BRAINED TWIT IN ORDER TO WASTE TIME SO THAT THEY CAN MAKE AN IMPRESSION ON SOME VERY IMPORTANT PEOPLE THAT THEY SPENT TWO YEARS WORRYING ABOUT AND NOW THAT THEY’VE INVENTED SOMETHING CALLED THE LOGICAL CONCLUSION WHICH THEY THINK WAS A PRETTY HOT IDEA AND NOW THEY’VE CREATED SOMETHING SO STUPID THAT THEY’VE NOT ONLY WASTED TWO YEARS OF THEIR LIFE, BUT ONE WHOLE MINUTE OF THE PERSON, OR PERSONS TIME THEY WERE TRYING TO IMPRESSES. AND YOUR PROBABLY WONDERING WHAT THE HELL DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THIS STORY, WELL, IF YOU WERE STUPID ENOUGH TO READ THIS, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. YOU’VE JUST WASTED PROBABLY 30 SECONDS OF YOUR TIME READING THIS POINTLESS INTRODUCTION INSTEAD OF READING THIS POINTLESS STORY, IN THAT TIME SPACE ONE COULD HAVE SAT DOWN AND TRIED TO FIGURE OUT THE MEANING OF LIFE, WHICH IS 42. WHICH IS WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOU TIMES SIX BY SEVEN, NOW, INSTEAD OF DRONING ON AND ON ENDLESSLY ON THE HITCH HIKERS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY, WHY DON’T YOU JUST READ THE BLOODY STORY.”
THE LOGICAL CONCLUSION Part 1 By Glen Battilana
(THE PICTURE OPENS UP WITH A KAT WHO IS A LITTLE BIT CHUBBY, WHO’S GOING BALD. HIS HAIR IS GREY AND HIS FUR IS BROWN. HE IS WEARING A GREEN SHIRT WITH BLACK JEANS. HE IS PACING BACK AND FORTH OUTSIDE A DOOR. JUST THEN, THE DOOR SUDDENLY OPENS.)
MANAGER : Clench Tightly?
CLENCH : That’s me
MANAGER : So your the one with the logical conclusion?
CLENCH : Yea, that’s me, do you want to here it?
MANAGER : GOD NO!! I mean, not yet. Say it when your on the air. Now, if you excuse me, I’ve got some important business to attend to.
(A LUSHES LOOKING SHE KAT SUDDENLY APPEARS FROM BEHIND CLENCH, AND WALKS INTO THE ROOM OF THE MANAGER. SHE IS WEARING NOTHING BUT A SKIMPY BLACK MINI. WHILE EMBRACING THE SHE KAT, THE MANAGER DROPS A PIECE OF PAPER. CLENCH PICKS IT UP AND SEES IT’S THE MANAGERS SIGNATURE. SMILING, HE WALKS OFF. )
(THE SCENE CHANGES TO BACK STAGE OF THE KATSEYE NEWS ROOM. WE SEE THREE KATS STANDING AROUND TALKING. TWO ARE MALE, THE OTHER IS FEMALE. ON A CLOSER INSPECTION, WE SEE IT’S DAVID LITTERBIN, ANN GORA, AND JOHNNY.)
DAVID : So I said to President Cliton, Hi, I’m David Litterbin.
(DAVID LAUGHS, AND JOHNNY AND ANN BOTH LAUGH. DAVID LEAVES, AND THEY BOTH STOP LAUGHING. ANN STICKS TWO FINGERS UP HER THROAT AS IF SHE WERE VOMITING.)
ANN : Hi I’m David Litterbin. Jesse, for Christ sakes how much more stuck up can you get. I mean, I’ve meet the SWAT Kats, and you don’t here me bragging about it.
JOHNNY : Yea I know what you mean, He’s worse than Manx.
ANN : I’ll tell you something, I acidenlty saw his contract come though on fax the other day, and you know how much he’s getting.
JOHNNY : How much? (ANN STARTS FLASHING HER FINGERS, SHOWING SOME ENORMOUS AMOUNT. SUDDENLY, IN COMES A KAT DRESSED IN A BUG OUTFIT. IT’S CLENCH TIGHTLY)
CLENCH : What’s happening, what’s wrong with your fingers?
JOHNNY : Shoo fly, don’t bother me.
(CLENCH LEAVES, AND JOHNNY AND ANN BOTH WALK IN THE DIRECTION OF THE STAGE, AS THEY PREPARE TO START THE BROADCASTING OF THE KATSEYE NEWS SHOW. HALF AN HOUR LATER, THE LIGHTS IN THE NEWS ROOM COME ON, AND THE SHOW STARS. JOHNNY IS STANDING TO THE LEFT OF ANN WHO IS SITTING AT A DESK, AND IS STILL WEARING HIS CAMERA KATS CLOTHING.)
JOHNNY : Now, coming at you live from the news capital of the world, in the MegaKat Broad Casting Company, this is Katseye News. And now, here’s the second most highly paid kat in the studio, Ann Gora.
ANN : Thank you Johnny, and thank you for telling the entire world about my finical situation. And if anyone from the network is watching tonight, “I want more MONEY!.” In other news, plans for a new anti-gravity machine up in the air ; A single mother in down town Megakat City left to pick up the pieces as her jigsaw puzzle fell to the fall ; a doctor who thinks he’s a judge tries his patience ; And a forgetful homeless kat reminded in custody. (ANN IS HANDED SOMETHING FROM OF STAGE.) In other news, the situation on the border of the East Temor crises has reached critical mass, here reporting live is our top man, Robert Dillion. (THE CAMERA SWITCHES TO A BROWN FUR COLOURED KAT WITH BLOND HAIR WEARING A BLUE SHIRT, BROWN PANTS, AND A DARK BLUE JACKET HANGING OVER HIS RIGHT SHOULDER. BEHIND HIM, BARBED WIRE CAN BE SEEN RUNNING BEHIND HIM.)
ROBERT : Thanks Ann, as you already know, the situation here on the boarder has become rather tense over the past few days, and Already I’ve had an unfriendly encounter with the boarder guards, and it would appear that I some what pissed them of and they stapled my jacket to my shoulder and it really hurts, OOOWWWWWWW!!! (PICTURE CHANGES BACK TO ANN.)
ANN : And stuff him, I don’t give a shit ‘cause he probably got paid more than me any way. And now, back to the news. Megakat International has announced that they will now install seringe disposal units in their planes now. A spokes person for the company said, that they came up with the idea after members of the pop band “Oasis” acted like complete pricks on the domestic flight last year. On the finical market, Megakat National Bank announced that they were changing it’s name, to Megakat Star National Bank. Also over the next few years, many of the staff at the bank will also have to change their names too, from Employed, to Unemployed. And Pope John the third, celebrates his 20th year as head of the Catholic Church, and as an added bonus, he gets a free rating 1 on his Popemoblie insurance. (SUDDENLY, A GAME SHOW WHEEL IS PUSHED ONTO THE STAGE.) And now, in order to raise our creditability on the show, we’ve managed to secure the rights of that fat slab of over priced window dressing, David “Ooooohhhhh, look at all my money” Litterbin, with the fantastic WWWWHHHHHEEEEEELLLLLL. (JOHNNY PICKS UP A MICROPHONE, AND WALKS ON-STAGE, IN A THREE PIECE SUIT SINGING. MEANWHILE, CLENCH TIGHTLY COMES OUT STILL IN HIS BUG COSTUME FLAPPING HIS ARMS, AND RUNNING ON THE SPOT, AS IF HE WERE TRYING TO FLY.)
JOHNNY : It’s the wheel, What a steal, David Litterbin, big fucking deal, lots of prizes, money too, lets go spin that wheel for yooooooou. (DAVID LITTER BIN ENTERS, AND CLENCH PUSHES THE WHEEL OVER TO HIM.)
DAVID : Hi, I’m David Litterbin, and I do get paid, a shit load more money than any of these pricks.
CLENCH : Oh for Christ’s sake you stuck up bastard….
(THAT’S ALL CLENCH CAN SAY FOR HE IS KNEED IN THE STOMACH BY DAVID.)
DAVID : I’m still David Litterbin, and joining me now in the studio, is our very lucky contestant, the author of this story, Glen Battalion.
(THE CURTAINS ARE PUSHED ASIDE, AND A HUMAN ABOUT 5.9 WITH BROWN HAIR AND EYES, WEARING A WHITE SHIRT, AND BLUE JEANS ENTERS.)
GLEN : Ahh, Mr Litterbin, that’s Battilana
DAVID : Battilana, Battalion, they both sound the same. Anyway, Glen, why don’t you tell us how you got here? and what happened
GLEN : Well, David, it’s like this, I saw the add for it on t.v. and I said to myself, “Wouldn’t it be great if I entered into this thing” , so I sent in the form, and now, here I am. I’d just like to say high to my folks back at home, hi Mum, hi Dad, hi Dean.
DAVID : Ahh, no. Mr Battilana, I put it across to you that you don’t have a family. You secretly killed them all, then you buried them in the back yard, and have been collecting well fear benefits in their names.
GLEN : Huh? What was that?
DAVID : Not only that, but you’ve been running an illegal sweat shop in your garage, growling drugs in your living room, and you have a cat that can fart Waltz Sing Matilda.
GLEN : What the fuck are you talking about? I have no idea what your saying.
DAVID : Neither do I. But it’ll make one hell of a story for my show. (CLENCH STEPS IN-BETWEEN THEM, AND PUSHES THEM ASIDE.)
CLENCH : Oh for Christ sakes, I’ll just spin the bloody thing myself.
(CLENCH THEN SPINS THE WHEEL. FUNKY MUSIC IS PLAYED AS THE WHEEL SPINS. FINALLY, IT COMES TO A COMPLETE STOP ON THE NUMBER ‘9’.)
There, you’ve won a prize, now piss off!
(CLENCH THEN BEGINS TO PUSH DAVID AND GLEN OFF STAGE.)
GLEN : (WAVING) Hi mum, hi dad, hi Dean
CLENCH : Yea, yea, now bugger off. Who’s idea was it to have that loser on the show. You know, that’s what I really hate, authors who just waste story time, by inserting themselves in as cameo appearances.
ANN : Brilliant job there Clench, who would have thought your national front training skills would come in handy. And on the subject of race hatred, it’s now time for the Logical Conclusion.
(CLENCH AFTER PUSHING THE UNWANTED GUESTS OF STAGE, THEN GOES OVER TO ANOTHER DESK, AND SITS DOWN. BEHIND HIM IS A HUGE SIGN THAT READS “THE LOGICAL CONCLUSION.”)
CLENCH : Thanks Ann, the Millennium Bug. Is it a genuine threat to our work place and our children, or just a big hungry cocheroch. Hi, I’m Clench Tightly and this is the Logical Conclusion. With the year 2000 approaching us, the time is right for a phylicophical and scientific renaissance, but even as new aged book stores are flooded with nieve donkey brained simpletons, trying to join an outlandish vegetarian love cult, experts are warning about the effects of the dreaded Millennium Bug, a giant insect that appears every two thousand years to wreck havoc on the worlds economy. The last time it showed up, it devastated the city of Pompeii, by changing all the prices of toiletries in K-Mart and throwing society into chaos. The citizens decided to just cover the whole city in molten lava instead of trying to figure out the correct price for roll on deodorant. Now, the bug is returning, and this time, it’s bigger and bader than ever. It’s Millennium Bug 2, and believe me, in K-Mart, no one can hear you scream. We have to get it before it gets us, perhaps by constructing a rather large thong, or a giant fly zapper. If this fails, I urge you all, to join me in my K-mart sponsored toiletry eating love cult, and together, we infiltrate the Millennium Bugs nest, and apon victory, we shall be transported to the planet Clench were I’ll be worshipped as a Mesa, ALL HAIL CLENCH!! I am Clench Tightly, and you are my flock.
ANN : Well Clench, you are indeed no doubt the lowest paid person on the show.
(CLEANCH’S FACE DROOPS. JOHNNY LAUGHS.)
And that makes you Johnny the second lowest paid person on the show.
JOHNNY : Well I don’t care Ann, after all, they say money is the root of all evil.
ANN : Yes indeed Johnny, but what a great root it is. I’m Ann Gora, saying, goodnight.
(THE END MUSIC PLAYS LIKE IT DOSE WHEN THE SHOW ALWAYS FINISHES, AND THE LIGHTS FADED OUT. JOHNNY AND ANN WALK OFF TO THE EXIT ON THE RIGHT, TALKING OF ALL SORTS OF WAYS TO GET RID OF LITTERBIN. MEANWHILE, CLENCH HAS OTHER THINGS ON HIS MIND, HE WALKS TO BEHIND THE CURTAIN.)
(CLENCH TIGHTLY IS BACKSTAGE TRYING TO FORGE A PAY CHECK ADDRESSED TO HIMSELF. HE IS TRYING TO FORGE THE BOSSES SIGNATURE, AND HE HAS IT WRITTEN ON HIS RIGHT ARM. BUT BECAUSE HE IS SWEATING VERY BADLY, HE GETS INK ALL OVER HIS PAW. CLENCH TRIES A ONE IN A MILLION SHOT, HE PRESSES THE INKY PALM OF HIS PAW ON THE PIECE OF PAPER, HOPING IT WOULD LEAVE AN IMPRINT OF THE BOSSES SIGNATURE ON THE PAGE. WHEN HE PULLS BACK HIS PAW AND LOOKS AT THE PAGE, ALL HE SEES IS AN INKY PALM PRINT WITH A SINGLE MIDDLE FINGER RAISED IN A MOCKING SALUTE. CLENCH THEN TAKES A STEP BACK, AND FAINTS.)
“SO MUCH FOR THE LOGICAL CONCLUSION.”
TWO WEEKS LATER……
Megakat City : Monday June 2nd 9:34 pm
(IT’S A DARK, COLD, AND STORMY NIGHT. THE SCENE IS SET OUTSIDE THE MEGAKAT BROADCASTING COMPANY BUILDING. THE RAIN IS REALLY COMING DOWN, HEAVILY, DRIVING THE CITIZENS OF MEGAKAT CITY INDOORS. FEW KATS ARE OUT IN THE STREETS TONIGHT. THERE IS A FLASH OF LIGHTING, FOLLOWED BY THE CRASH OF THUNDER. IF ANYONE WERE LOOKING AT THE FRONT OF THE BUILDING, THEY WOULD HAVE SEEN A KAT DRESSED UP IN A FULL JUNGLE CAMOUFLAGE OUTFIT, WITH ARMY GREENS, CAMMO PAINT, AND THE HELMET WITH FERN LEAVES ON IT. HE IS, CAMOUFLAGE KAT. THE KAT SMILES, AND WALKS UP TO THE AUTOMATIC DOOR. HOWEVER, THE SENIORS THAT OPEN THE DOOR, FAIL TO SEE THE KAT, AND HE BANGS RIGHT INTO IT. RUBBING HIS HEAD, THE KAT GOES AROUND THE BACK OF THE BUILDING, LOOKING FOR ANOTHER WAY IN.)
THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UNCLASSIFIED : THE RETURN OF THE LOGICAL CONCLUSION Part 2
AND NOW, IT’S TIME FOR “GREAT MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE”
(FADE IN ON A KAT WITH BLACK FUR, AND BROWN HAIR. HE HAS A BEARD AND IS WEARING A NAVY BLUE SHIRT, AND BLACK JEANS. HE IS SITTING IN A CHAIR, READING A BOOK .)
SCOTT : You know, I’ve always wondered, how the hell do they get the bacon inside the stuffed crust pizza’s at Pizza Hut
(FADE OUT ON SCOTT.)
(THE SCENE OPENS UP, BACKSTAGE OF THE KATSEYE NEWS STUDIO. WE SEE CLENCH TIGHTLY WALKING ALONG. WALKING NEXT TO HIM, ARE JOHNNY AND ANN. THEY STOP BY THE COFFEE MACHINE.)
ANN : So let me get this straight. The Network are allowing the return of the logical conclusion?
CLENCH : That’s right Ann.
JOHNNY : God help us all.
ANN : Well, at least it’s better than what I’ve got. Because of low ratings on the show, the Network is giving me a co-host, and you wouldn’t believe who it is.
JOHNNY : Who?
ANN : It’s David “So stuck up his ass” Litterbin.
JOHNNY : You poor women
CLENCH : Didn’t you complain?
ANN : Yea, but what am I going to do about it? Without him, my rating will go down and I’ll be finished. But I don’t get it. Why doesn’t anybody like me? I mean, I break stories of the century every day, I ruin people’s lives by blowing their big, dark and dirty secret’s. What have I done to deserve low ratings??!
JOHNNY : Maybe it’s your voice, because it’s so dam annoying……
(DAVID LITTERBIN WALKS PAST.)
DAVID : Maybe it’s because I don’t get into as much trouble as you do, and I just get all my stories from my studio.
JOHNNY : Hay David, you’re shoes laces are undone.
DAVID : (LAUGHING) Yea, right, like I’m going to fall for that.
ANN : Hay, look over there it’s the oldest trick in the book.
DAVID : (TURNING AWAY) Huh?
ANN : Just as I thought.
(ANN, JOHNNY AND CLENCH ALL WALK AWAY, SILENTLY CHUCKLING TO THEM SELVES, STILL LEAVING DAVID STANDING BY THE COFFEE MACHINE, STILL LOOKING FOR WHAT EVER ANN SAW.)
DAVID : What? What is it? What am I looking at? Oh, is that it? I’m going to stop looking soon. I’m going to tell the whole staff about what a dick you are, seeing something that really doesn’t exist.
(SUDDENLY, A DOOR OPENS, AND OUT COMES A CAMERA KAT, HOLDING HIS CAMERA.)
PERSONAL : Hay Dav, what are you looking at?
DAVID : Weeeeellllll, I’ll tell you if you clean up my office.
PERSONAL : I’m right on it.
DAVID : HA! Idiot, people like that, fall for just about anything. How stupid can you get. Now back to the wall again.
AND NOW, “CONSUMING PASSIONS”, WITH IAN GOODING
(THE SCENE OPENS UP WITH A KAT WITH GARY FUR, AND A GARY MOUSTACHE, WITH JET BLACK HAIR, A BLUE BUTTON UP SHIRT ON, WITH BLACK JEANS, AND A BLACK ARTISTS CAP. HE HOLDS A WINE BOTTLE IN ONE PAW, AND A GLASS IN THE OTHER)
IAN : Hello, one and all, and welcome to the show. I’m Ian Gooding, and for the first part of the show, I’ve decided to read out letters from the viewers at home. Lets have a drink to that, shall we? (TAKES A SIP OF WINE) It reads.. “Dear Ian, I just love your show. I was wondering if it wouldn’t be too much trouble just to make upside down cake. Your best fan, Sera Funkle.” Well Sera, it IS too much trouble to make upside down cake, and besides, I’ve already got something planned for today’s show. But lets have a drink to that shall we.
(HE TAKES ANOTHER SIP OF THE WINE.)
(FADE OUT, WITH IAN STILL DRINKING THE WINE.)
(THE SCENE OPENS UP ON THE GROUND FLOOR OF THE BUILDING. A CAMERA KAT WALKS PAST A DOOR MARKED, “EXIT” AS HIS FOOT STEPS DISAPPEAR INTO THE NIGHT, THE DOOR SILENTLY OPENS, AND IN ENTERS, CAMOUFLAGE KAT. HE LOOKS AROUND, THEN PROCEEDS TO THE ELEVATOR. SUDDENLY HE STOPS. HE IS LOOKING AT A DOOR, THAT SAYS, “MEN’S” HE THINKS FOR A LITTLE WHILE, THEN OPENS THE DOOR. HE RUSHES INTO THE NEAREST TOILET, BUT FAILS TO LOCK THE DOOR. HE PULLS DOWN HIS PAINTS, AND SITS DOWN ON THE SEAT. SUDDENLY, HIS DOOR OPENS, AND IN COMES ANOTHER KAT. HE PULLS DOWN HIS PAINTS, AND SITS DOWN ON TOP OF CAMOUFLAGE KAT, WHO SCRUNCHES UP HIS FACE, AND PREPARES FOR THE WORST.)
(FADE OUT, FOCUSED ON CAMOUFLAGE KAT’S FACE, WHICH IS ONE OF TOTAL HORROR.)
“THE TWILIGHT ZONE”
(FADE – IN ON A KAT SITTING ON THE COUCH. SUDDENLY, ANOTHER KAT COMES AND SITS DOWN BY HIM.)
BROWN KAT : You know something. Each morning, I put out the garbage bin, and by the afternoon, it’s empty.
(DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO-DO. YOU HAVE NOW LEFT, THE TWILIGHT ZONE.)
HERE WE GO AGAIN WITH, “GREAT MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE”
(FADE-IN ON SCOTT. HE IS LYING ON A GREEN COUCH, SMOKING A PIPE.)
SCOTT : You know, I’ve always wondered, about those little containers of orange juice. Is there any way of opening them without spilling all the orange juice?
(FADE-OUT ON SCOTT.)
(FADE-IN ON CLENCH, ANN, AND JOHNNY ALL STANDING AROUND THE T.V. THEY TURN IT OFF, AS IAN GOODINGS SHOW GOES TO A COMMERCIAL BREAK.)
ANN : He’s drunk again. And this time, on his own show, in front of all those viewers.
JOHNNY : Isn’t that how you rose to fame?
ANN : Now that you mention it, your right.
CLENCH : How are you getting on with David, now that he’s your co-host?
ANN : Terrible, I think the camera is focusing more on him, than me.
JOHNNY : Well, he dose have that certain shine about him, that Ann doesn’t have.
ANN : He dose not
JOHNNY : He dose too, and I know his secret. He wears more makeup than you.
ANN : THAT’S OBSERVED. Now one wears more makeup than ME!!
VOICE : Wanna bet?!
(THEY ALL LOOK AROUND LOOKING FOR THE OWNER OF THE VOICE.)
JOHNNY : Did you say something Clench
CLENCH : No.
ANN : Then who was that?
CLENCH : Is it just me, or dose anyone else pick up that over powering smell of shit?
(THEY ALL SNIFF THE AIR, AND SCREW UP THEIR NOSES.)
JOHNNY : AWWWHH WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SMELL??!
ANN : Who ever smelt it, dealt it.
CLENCH : Who ever said the rhyme, did the crime.
VOICE : You fools. You can’t see me. For I, am “Camouflage Kat!!”
(THEY ALL LOOK AROUND TO SEE THE KAT WHO IS SPEAKING, BUT THE CAN’T SEE THE KAT WITH BLACK CAMMO PAINT ON, AND WEARING A JUNGLE CAMOUFLAGE UNIFORM, STANDING RIGHT NEXT THE CLENCH, JUMPING UP AND DOWN, MAKING FACES AT THEM.)
ANN : What do you want?
CAMMO KAT : I want total control over the t.v. station, get rid of scaredy kat, and have my own show.
JOHNNY : If you want your own show, how are the audience going to see you?
CAMMO KAT : (STUNNED) I….I’ll get to that problem later, right now, GIVE ME CONTROL OF THE STATION, NOW!!
ANN : We’ve gotta get help.
JOHNNY : Who ya gona call?
CLENCH : The Enforcers?
JOHNNY : My plumber?
ANN : No, the SWAT Kats.
(THEY ALL TURN TAIL AND RUN FOR THE ROOF TOP. CAMOUFLAGE KAT WATCHES THEM GO, THEN WALKS OF THE WASH ROOM, TO CLEAN HIMSELF UP.)
AND ONCE AGAIN, IT’S “CONSUMING PASSIONS” WITH IAN GOODING
IAN : Welcome back, Hic! Whoa, excuse me. Now, were was I? O yea, I was about to make trifle deserts. Lets drink to that, shall we?
(TAKES A BIG SWING, AND FINISHES OF THE WHOLE DRINK IN ONE GULP) Now, in order to make trifle, you need, sugar, Shelly, chocolate, baking powder, jelly, and allot of other S***. These are all the ingredients for trifle, but it requires allot of F***ING around. So, you take the jelly, the sugar, the chocolate, the baking powder, and piss them off,
(WITH THAT, HE PUSHES ALL THE INGREDIENTS OFF THE TABLE, WITH A SINGLE SWIPE OF HIS ARM) so your left with only the Shelly. Now, HIC!, opps, your probably wondering how can you make trifle out of Shelly, well the answer you F*** heads, is you can’t, so you add, some Tequila,
(PORES THE WHOLE BOTTLE IN.) some Brandy,
(DUMPS THE WHOLE BOTTLE IN), some mentholated spirits,
(IN GOES THE WHOLE BOTTLE) ,
(EMPTIES A SIX PACK) and anything else you can find in ether the liquor cabinet, or laundry cupboard.
(IAN DIVES UNDER THE CONTOUR, AND BRINGS UP A FEW MORE BOTTLES.)
Like….Vodka, some old Scotch Whisky, and Rum.
(IAN EMPTIES ALL THE BOTTLES INTO THE BOWL) Then you stir for about three seconds, before the taste test. Now, most peo – HIC! – people, tend to do the taste test with a spoon, but they’re a load of wankers, so I prefer what’s known as, “GO FOR IT!” (IAN THEN SHOVES HIS FACE DOWN INTO THE BOWL. IT’S LIKE THAT FOR ABOUT FIVE SECONDS, BEFORE HE REAMERGES.)
(FADE OUT. WE CAN SEE IAN NOW, GUZZLING DOWN THE WINE. BEHIND HIM, WE CAN SEE CAMOUFLAGE KAT DANCING THE MACARENA. IAN IS SO DRUNK THAT ONCE HE FINISHES THE BOTTLE, HE TOSSES IT OVER HIS SHOULDER. THE BOTTLE SMASHES ON CAMOUFLAGE KAT’S HEAD, AND KNOCKS HIM OUT.)
AND NOW, THE LATE NIGHT NEWS, WITH YOUR HOSTS, ANN GORA, AND DAVID LITTERBIN.
(FADE IN ON ANN GORA, AND DAVID LITTERBIN, AS THEY PREPARE FOR THEIR JOINT NEWS SHOW.)
ANN : Good evening, I’m Ann Gora
DAVID : And I’m David Litterbin.
ANN : And I’d like to welcome you all the new, late night news. And my I say good luck to the 21 year old lonshera module who’s now doing my old job, and sweet hart, anyone who can do that with a hose and a golf ball, really dose deserve my job. Speaking of which, lovely to have you here David.
DAVID : Thank you Ann
ANN : Dickhead. Anyway, on tonight’s news, surprise in Megakat Museum of Natural History, when Art critics describe a reptilian sculptor as a croc-of-shit.
DAVID : Cars waiting at an intersection given the green light.
ANN : A boiling kettle that attacked Enforcer officers today told authorities that it was just letting of a little steam.
DAVID : And Enforcer officers interview a kat who wants to be……an Enforcer.
ANN : And we wish him good luck with that. Now David, have I told you how good you look this evening?
DAVID : No.
ANN : Good. We’ll be back with another late news bulletin, after this.
(THE LIGHTS FADE OUT, AND DAVID WALKS AWAY. ANN THEN RUNS OF STAGE OVER TO WERE JOHNNY AND CLENCH ARE WAITING. BEHIND THEM, ARE TWO MYSTERIOUS FIGURES.)
ANN : What’s been taking you guys so long?
T BONE : We needed to make an emergency pit stop.
RAZOR : T Bone needed to go the toilet.
ANN : Have you filled them in on the situation Johnny?
JOHNNY : Sure have Ann, they know everything.
T BONE : Yea, (CRACKING HIS KNUCKLES) Anybody who’s going to have Scaredy Kat cancelled, messes with me.
ANN : Well, we don’t know were he is. We lost trace of him, after we first meet him.
RAZOR : Were was that?
JOHNNY : Outside studio 7
T BONE : What’s there?
CLENCH : Costuming Passions with Ian Gooding.
(BOTH SWAT KATS LOOK AT EACH OTHER, AND SHIVER.)
SWAT KATS : UUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!
(FADE OUT ON KATS.)
OH NO IT’S “COSTUMING PASSIONS” WITH IAN GOODING
(THE SCENE FADES IN ON IAN, WHO IS NOW DRINKING A WHOLE BOTTLE OF RED WINE, THERE ARE ABOUT TEN OTHER EMPTY BOTTLES AROUND HIM. HE LOOKS AS IF HE IS HAVING TROUBLE STANDING UP)
IAN : Oh were back on are we? Well, excuse me for being boring. HIC! Now, what was I doing here again?
VOICE OF STAGE : The desert!
IAN : Oh yea, the all alcohol Trifle.
(HE STARTS STIRRING THE BOWL OF ORANGE COLOURED LIQUID IN FRONT OF HIM WITH A WOODEN SPOON) Now, I bet your thinking how can you eat a bowl of pure alcohol. But it’s actually easy, HIC!, once you’ve finished stirring the trifle, you put it in the fringe and frizzes it. (IAN LEAVES THE SPOON IN THE BOWL, AND TAKES IT OVER TO THE FRIDGE.) I’ve prepared an earlier one, so that we can see the final result.
(HE TAKES OUT WHAT LOOKS LIKE A FROZEN SPHERE, CUT IN HALF, WITH A WOODEN SPOON STICKING OUT OF THE FLAT END. IAN STARTS LIKING IT.) Now, you see, how easy it is to make frozen all alcohol, trifle, and the best part is, if your thirsty, you can melt it, and drink it. Good By, and see you all tomorrow.
(HAPPY MUSIC IS PLAYED, AS THE CAMERA FADES AWAY. JUST BEFORE THE PICTURE BLACKS OUT, IAN FALLS OVER.)
(FADE-IN ON ANN GORA AND DAVID LITTERBIN, AS THEY ARE IN THE NEWS ROOM.)
ANN : Welcome back, I’m Ann Gora
DAVID : And I’m David Litterbin.
ANN : Well David, are you looking handsome or what
DAVID : Well, thank you Ann, It’s a pl…..
ANN : No, that was a question, are you looking handsome or just a bit average?
DAVID : I’m a professional journalist Ann, it doesn’t matter how I look.
ANN : Oh, then you wouldn’t mind wearing this.
(ANN THEN REACHES UNDER THE TABLE, AND PULLS OUT A PAPER BAG. SHE THEN SHOVES IT DOWN ON DAVID’S HEAD, COVERING HIS FACE COMPLETELY.)
ANN : Now, Enforcers are looking for a kat who enjoys board games, when he yesterday walked into a toy store, looking for Trouble.
DAVID : Muhp, muph, mumbble muff, mufph, mumble…… (DAVID THEN REACHES UP, AND RIPS OF THE PAPER BAG. HE FINISHES OFF WHAT HE WAS TRYING TO SAY, BUT EVERYONE LAUGHS AT HIM.)
ANN : Good one. At a chemist, a kat developing photos today, was accidentally electrocuted. Enforcers are calling it a shocking development.
DAVID : And a thief yesterday, while trying to escape authorities, fell into a vat of quick drying cement. Enforcers described him as a hardened criminal. What a tragic way to die, hay Ann?
ANN : Yes, but what a beautiful finish. We’ll be back, with another late news update, soon.
(FADE-OUT ON DAVID AND ANN.)
(FADE-IN ON CAMOUFLAGE KAT. CAMOUFLAGE KAT IS IN THE BATHROOM, SHAVING, WELL, AT LEAST HE’S TRYING. HIS FACE IS COVERED IN CUTS, AND TOILET PAPER SQUARES. HE IS LOOKING INTO THE MIRROR AS HE SHAVES, BUT THERE IS NO REFLECTION. IN FRUSTRATION, HE THROWS THE RAZOR DOWN. SUDDENLY, HE HERE’S VOICES OUTSIDE.)
RAZOR : I thought I herd something in here.
T BONE : Then let’s check it out.
(CAMOUFLAGE MAN JUST STANDS IN FRONT OF THE MIRROR, AS THE SWAT KATS BURST IN.)
RAZOR : COME ON OUT CAMOUFLAGE KAT!! We know your in here somewhere.
T BONE : Hay look Razor. (POINTS OVER TO THE MIRROR.) Did you ever see blood hanging in mid air like that before?
RAZOR : It’s Camouflage Kat!! He can’t hid his blood.
(WITH A ROAR, THE SWAT KATS LEAP FOR THE BLOOD FLOATING IN MID AIR. HOWEVER, THEY LAND ON TOP OF EACH OTHER. CAMOUFLAGE KAT, ON THE OTHER HAND, ESCAPES, BUT TURNS OUT THE LIGHTS, THEN GOES OUTSIDE.)
CAMMO KAT : This should slow those hero’s down.
(CAMOUFLAGE KAT THEN PLACES AN IRON BAR ACROSS THE TOILET DOOR. MEANWHILE, T BONE AND RAZOR, ARE STILL LYING IN A HEAP, IN THE DARKNESS.)
T BONE : This is stupid, how are we going to catch a villain, we can’t even see?
RAZOR : I know what you mean. Ya want to go see a movie instead?
T BONE : I’ve got my bowling ball, we could go bowling?
RAZOR : Get your fingers out of my eyes, and your thumb out of my mouth, and I’ll consider it.
(FADE-IN ON DAVID AND ANN.)
ANN : Hello, I’m Ann Gora.
DAIVD : And I’m David Litterbin.
ANN : And we’re back with the late news update. Well, dispite returning to earth as hero’s, John Glenn, and the crew of the discovery, lost the deposit on the space shuttle Discovery, when M.A.S.A. clamed they did not fill up the gas tank, and that there was a rather large scratch in the passenger side door, that they said, wasn’t there before.
DAVID : And finally, Prince Charles announced publicly, that he dose not want the Queen to abdicate…..
ANN : No, in fact, what he really said, was that he wanted her to die. Well, that was interesting, now David, you up to anything special this weekend?
DAVID : Well, Ann, yes. I was planning to……
ANN : Just as I thought, tell some one who cares. Good Night, and we’ll see you…….
(SUDDENLY, DAVID, IS THROWN OUT OF HIS CHAIR, HE GOES SAILING INTO JOHNNY, WHO IS FILMING ANN.)
CAMMO KAT : Good evening Megakat City. I’m your NEW host, Camouflage Kat.
(ALL EYES ARE ON DAVID’S CHAIR, BUT NO ONE CAN BE SEEN. JOHNNY, PULLS BACK SO THAT EVERY ONE WATCHING T.V. CAN SEE BOTH ANN, AND THE EMPTY CHAIR. OF CAUSE, CAMOUFLAGE KAT IS LEANING BACK IN THE CHAIR, SMILING.)
ANN : Were are you?
CAMMO KAT : Why, I’m right next to you Ann. And I don’t need an anchor host to pay out on. There fore, I don’t need YOU!!
(INVISIBLE PAWS GRAB ANN, AND BEGIN TO DRAG HER TOWARDS AN OPEN WINDOW.)
CAMMO KAT : Don’t be afraid Ann. I here kats always land on their feet. Can you?
(SUDDENLY, ANN THROWS A GLASS OF WATER ON CAMOUFLAGE KATS FACE. HE LETS GO OF ANN. HE CLUTCHES HIS FACE. WHEN HE PULLS HIS PAWS AWAY, EVERY ONE CAN SEE HIS FACE.)
CAMMO KAT : BOO!!
(SUDDENLY, THE SKY LIGHT SHATTERS, AND IN DROP TWO SHADOWY FIGURES. WEARING BLACK MASKS AND CAPES. CAMOUFLAGE KAT LOOKS AT THE BLACK AND YELLOW SWAT KAT SYMBOL ON THEIR CHESTS. THEY LET GO OF THEIR GRAPPLING CABLES.)
CAMMO KAT : Were do they get, those wonderful toys.
T BONE : Your history Camouflage Kat. (T BONE RAISES HIS GLOVATRIX AT CAMOUFLAGE KAT. CAMOUFLAGE KAT BACKS OFF, BUT HE STOPS AS HE RUNS INTO THE OPEN WINDOW. HE LOOKS DOWN AT THE STREETS BELOW, THEN BACK AT THE SWAT KATS, WHO ARE GRINNING.)
CAMMO KAT : Hay, what are you doing. Your supposed to be the good guys, you can’t do this!
T BONE : Yes we can. you see, this isn’t a pissy little ‘PG’ rated cartoon.
RAZOR : So we can do what ever we want to.
(THE SWAT KATS BOTH FIRE OCTOPUS MISSILES, AND THEY HIT CAMOUFLAGE KAT RIGHT IN THE CHEST. THEY KNOCK HIM OUT THE WINDOW, AND HE FALLS FORTY FEET, INTO A GARBAGE BIN. THE MOMENT HE LANDS IN IT, THE LIT SLAMS DOWN, SHUT. THE SWAT KATS, JOHNNY, ANN, AND CLENCH, BOTH LOOK OUT THE WINDOW.)
T BONE : Good rethens to bad rubbish.
(SUDDENLY, ANN DRAGS A SEMI CONSUOS DAVID LITTERBIN UP TO THE WINDOW.)
ANN : What about this rubbish?
RAZOR : Sorry Ann, he’s not a super villain.
(ANN LOOKS DISAPPOINTED. SUDDENLY, CLENCH STEPS IN.)
CLENCH : This ending is all wrong. What it needs, is a Logical Conclusion.
(THE SWAT KATS LEAVE, AND EVERY BODY GOES BACK TO THEIR POSTS.)
DAVID : To some, he’s a lone voice, crying out in the wilderness….
ANN : But to us, he’s just known as the fat prick who always eats the last Tim Tam.
DAVID : Of course, were talking about Clench Tightly…. ANN : And his insane rant.
CLENCH : Thank you David, and Ann. Animal Explotaions. Should cosmetic companies test their beauty products on cute and furry wood land creatures, or should we just round up super models, put them in cages, and let animals rub shampoo in their eyes. I’m Clench Tightly, and this is the return of theLogical Conclusion. Animal liberation’s are up in arms over cosmetic designers performing curl and unesseresery experiments on tiny helpless creatures, and rightly so. Because curl and unnecessary experiments should be left in the paws of professional scientists, and cosmetic companies should stick to doing what they do best, making television commercials about super models who turn into wild animals. But animal liberationist won’t stop at just spoiling our fun with laboratory animals, they won’t all be happy until we’ve all jumped onto the tree loving carrot sucking veal mobile, yelling “MEAT IS MURDER” all the way to soy city. They claim, that as the dominate spices, we shouldn’t take advantage of our superior intelligence, to maim, kill, and eat innocent animals who don’t stand a chance against our enormous brains. That’s why we should only eat animals who are up to our intellectual status, like dolphins, and super models, and while all the best meat on the planet should be eaten by cannibals, and Brazilian soccer teams. But until cannibalism is accepted as normal in our society, we are going to have to be content about making television commercials were super models turn into dolphins, and rub shampoo in each others eyes. I’m Clench Tightly, and if you don’t agree with me, I’ll eat you.
ANN : Oh, so you’ve finished frothing at the mouth, have you Fat Boy?
DAVID : You really are a strange kat, Clench.
CLENCH : Thank you David.
ANN : And we’ll be back with another late update…..tomorrow.
(FADE-OUT ON THE THREE KATS.)
(OUTSIDE THE BUILDING, IT IS STILL RAINING HEAVILY. WE SEE THE GARBAGE BIN WERE CAMOUFLAGE KAT FELL INTO. SUDDENLY, THE GARBAGE SHIFTS, AND OUT CRAWLS A PISSED OFF, BUT VERY MUCH ALIVE, CAMOUFLAGE KAT. GRUMBLING, HE STAGERS OUT INTO THE STREET.)
CAMMO KAT : FOOLS!! They think that they’ve defeated me. Well, they haven’t seen the last of Camouflage Kat. AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAH. I’M INVINCIBLE. HA HA HA HAH AH AHA HA HA HA HA HA HA H……….. (WHAM!!!!)
(CAMOUFLAGE KAT IS SUDDENLY RUN OVER BY A VOLVO. THE DRIVER OF THE VOLVO LOOKS OUT INTO THE STORMY NIGHT, BUT CAN’T SEE A THING. HE SWEARS HE HEARD SOMETHING, BUT KEEPS DRIVING.)
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Disclaimer: SWAT Kats: The Radical Squadron is copyright to Hanna-Barbera Cartoons Inc. All Rights Reserved. © 1995. All other characters and material within this page are the property of their respective creators.