Original SWAT Kats Story

A Christmas Eve Night in Maniac Mansion

By Glenn Battilana

  • 1 Chapter
  • 9,482 Words

One dark, cold, and stormy night, Jake and Chance are stranded and given a tour by Rod Serling and Alfred Hitchcock in a haunted house that has more cameos than “Mars Attacks!”

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Author's Notes:

NOTE : I have not played the game, Maniac Mansion, nor do I know its storyline. I’ve just heard its name. I just thought Maniac Mansion sounded cool.

Guest Starring : Bill Clinton, James El Jones, “Weird” Al Yankovic, Eric Cartman ‘&’ Ricky Lake as “The Invisible Woman.”

Disclaimer: Maybe some of these characters may not appear in this story but… Oh, all right, none of them. Satisfied?  But, you’ve got to admit, it had you interested.

INTRODUCTION: Have you ever seen a haunted house? You know the kind I mean…That old dark house that’s usually at the end of a dimly lit street. The owners haven’t been seen for years no one really knows why? The windows are broken and boarded and the shutters hang loosely on their hinges. The trees are grown wild their branches brush against the sides of the weathering house making strange noises in the night. There’s a high vine-covered fence around the property, is it there to keep somebody out? Or is it there to keep something inside? It’s a house that people avoid walking past at night. Strange sounds come from within the walls and it’s been said that Erie lights can be seen both in the attic windows and in the cemetery to the side of the house, our story revolves around this mysterious mansion.

STAGE : CURTAINS DRAWN.

In the crowd, we can see kats gathering, including villains of the SWAT Kats. Other friends of the SWAT Kats can be seen. The lights dim down, and so dose the noise. Chance Furlong walks out, and taps the mike.

“Ah – hem, is this thing on?!” He looks out into the crowd. “Thank you one and all for coming tonight, and merry Christmas.” The crowd answers the same. “Thank you all. Tonight, for this Christmas special, we shall perform a Christmas play. Unfortunately, due to unforeseen cerium stances, such as one of the cast members using the script for substitute toilet paper, we will be unable to perform it’s a wonderful life So we just threw together something in five minutes flat. Enjoy!” Chance then goes behind the curtain. A voice over a loud speaker erupts into life.

VOICE : “Nights not long ago two kats, Jake Clawson, and Chance Furlong, were walking home from a matinee movie/pizza party…The night was cruel as lightning broke through the skies. Thunder rolled across the heavens and changed this pleasant evening into a night to be remembered. Jake and Chance looked about as they began to walk faster down the dark street, the lightning struck again and illuminated the front of the old mansion, it began to rain. Jake and Chance ran towards the old house, through the old iron gate and onto the porch for protection. Protection??? If only they had known, their real adventure is about to begin!”

“What a storm.” Chance said, as they reached the porch. Jake shock himself free of water.

“And on Christmas Eve.” He said. “You’d think it’d be snowing, but no, it rains like hell.” He then begins to tug on the door handle.

“Uh Jake, what are you doing?”

“What does it look like I’m doing?” Jake said, as he tugged harder. “Trying to get front door open. No one lives here, we can wait inside till the storm’s over.”

“Hell not me.” Chance said. “I’m not going in that old house, I’d rather stay out here and get wet.” Finally Jake pulls open the stuck door.

“There.” He said. “Come on don’t be afraid. I’ll light a match.” Jake then took a book of matches from his utility belt, struck one and holding it high peered into the gloom.

The two found themselves standing inside a huge room filled with dusty furniture. This was the front parlor, its huge windows gave views of the outside although pieces of glass were missing out of their frames and patched up with cardboard, the curtains hung like limp flags in a still breeze. From the ceiling hung a crystal chandelier with flickering candles. Other candles in sconces along the walls cast shadowy patterns on the wallpaper and at the far end stood 2 wooden doors set apart from one another, both closed.

“Well I’ll be…” Chance said. “This house is still full of furniture.”

“Yeah,” Jake said. “It’s as though someone still lived here.” But before anyone can move a ghostly voice out of nowhere echoes out of the dark

“GOOD EVENING…” Both Jake and Chance jump.

“YAAAAHHHHH!” Chance cried out. “Who said that?!”

“I-I…” Jake stuttered. “I think it came from that statue.” He points towards the source of the sound while Chance panics.

“I don’t need this, not on Christmas eve.” Chance says. “Let’s get out of here now!” As they turn to run back outside the door suddenly swings shut and closes trapping them inside.

“The door closed by it’s self!” Chance cried out. He runs towards the door and begins tugging frantically on the handle again. “I can’t get it open!” Suddenly, the unseen voice continues.

“WELCOME FOOLISH MORTALS…TO THE HAUNTED MANSION…I AM YOUR HOST…YOUR GHOST HOST HMHMHMHMHMHM…KINDLY STEP THIS WAY…THERE’S NO TURNING BACK NOW…YOU WILL NOT BE HARMED…BUT YOU WILL NOT BE RELEASED…UNTIL YOU TAKE A TOUR OF MY HOME…WE HAVE SO FEW VISITORS…LIVE ONES THAT IS…HMHMHMHMHMAHAHAHAHA!…OUR TOUR BEGINS HERE…IN THIS GHOSTLY ART GALLERY…” Just then one of the 2 doors opens as if by unseen hands revealing another room within.

“What do we do now?” Chance asks. Jake shrugs.

“We’ve got no choice.” He said. “We’ve got to obey.” As they enter the room, another figure steps out from the shadows, holding a cigarette. He has dark black hair, and a brown suit on. However, we can’t see this, because he’s all black and white.

“Submitted for you’re approval tonight.” The figure began. “Two unsuspecting kats, one Jake Clawson, and one Chance Furlong. Hoping to get home in time for Christmas, but stopped buy a sudden freak storm, and forced to take refuge in an old deserted house up on a lonely old hill. What they don’t know, is that this particular house, isn’t that abandoned, and that it’s address, is located in the middle, of the Twilight Zone.” He then follows Jake and Chance into the gallery.

Both Jake and Chance enter the room. There are hundreds of unlit candles. In a few seconds the candles are re-lit. A secret panel slid open exposing a dimly lit hallway. On the left side were windows revealing a grotesque landscape frequently illuminated by the lightning flashes. On the right side of the corridor were large portraits. When the lightning flashed, these paintings turned into decaying corpses.

“We should never have come in here!” Chance says.

“What is this place?” Jake asks, looking around.

“It is the Night Gallery.” They both spin around to see the same guy who was outside before. Only this time, he looks much older, and is in color.

“Who are you?” Jake asks.

“I’m Rod Serling.” The figure said.

“And I’m Alfred Hitchcock.” They both spin around to see an old man, with white hair, and going bald. He seems to be a little on the chubby side, and wears a black suit, with a black bow tie. “And you’re in Maniac Mansion.”

“But we don’t want to be in Maniac Mansion.” Chance said. “We just want to be home, watching Scaredy Kat, and eating pizza.”

“I’m afraid that you cant leave….” Rod Sterling said.

“Oh yes we can.” Chance said. “If there’s a way in, there’s a way out.”

“Yes.” Alfred said. “There is a way out. All you have to do is take this tour and….” “WHAT?!” Jake cried out. “Are you nuts or what?”

“Hey it’s cool.” Rod said. “Just follow your Ghost Hosts and hopefully they can escort you out another exit.”

“Hopefully?” Jake said. “What exactly do you mean by hopefully?” Rod shrugged.

“You might make it out, you might not.”

“I don’t like the sound of that.” Chance said. Suddenly, a loud scream could be heard, somewhere far of in the mansion. “I like the sound of that, even less.”

“Oh.” Alfred said. “That was our last tour group. They didn’t follow instructions, and now….they’re a part of this house…..” The whole room goes dark, with only a single light on Alfred’s face. “….FOREVER!!!” Rod looks over at the candles.

“We’ve really gotta get new ghost candles.” He said, and clapped his hands twice, and they come back on.

“Sorry about that.” Alfred said. “They just keep going on and off when you don’t want them to.” Suddenly, his voice went started to echo again, like before. “NOW AS THEY SAY LOOK ALIVE AND WE’LL CONTINUE OUR LITTLE TOUR AND LET’S ALL STAY TOGETHER NOW PLEASE….COME ALONG NOW…”

The four walked down the long tapering corridor. There seemed to be a light at the far end, pitch blackness behind them. The hallway made a sharp turn into an Erie lit limbo abound with mist and decay. The furnishings and walls were covered with spider-webs. A staircase seemed to be the only passageway out. Suddenly there appeared a strange looking old fashioned horse and carriage which seemed to materialize like magic in front of Jake and Chance as their hosts informed them… This time, it was Rod Sterling’s turn to speak. His voice started to echo as well.

“AND NOW A CARRIAGE APPROACHES…TO TAKE YOU INTO THE BOUNDLESS REALM OF THE SUPERNATURAL…TAKE YOUR LOVED ONES BY THE HAND PLEASE…AND KINDLY WATCH YOUR STEP…OH YES AND NO FLASH PICTURES PLEASE…WE SPIRITS ARE FRIGHTFULLY SENSITIVE TO BRIGHT LIGHTS…”

“Oh hah ha ha ha!” Chance said, as he and Jake climbed into the carriage. The carriage starts up, and they got though another set of double doors. The moment they past though them, they’re suddenly in a dark, spooky forest.

“What the –?!” Jake said, looking out the window.

“Where are we?” Chance asked, as they road on though the forest. The carriage began to pick up speed, traveling faster, and faster.

“Hay!” Jake called out to the two drivers. “Could ya slow it down?”

“Sorry.” Alfred called down to him. “No can do.” The carriage speed on into the dark forest, finally, screeching to a halt. Chance and Jake are both thrown into the seat in front of them.

“Ouch.” Jake said, rubbing his nose.

“Where are we now?” Chance asked. The doors opened by some unseen hands, and they got out.

“Welcome to the Green House.” Rod said, as they both got out.

“This IS a green house?” Jake said. “I swear we were driving for at least four kilometers. The house isn’t that big.”

“Never judge a book by it’s cover.” Alfred said. “Now, let’s go.” As they walked of the dusty track road, and into the forest, Alfred started up his echoing voice. “HOPE YOU DON’T HAVE AN AVERSION TO DARKNESS AND COLD…BUT YOU SEE…WE SPIRITS ARE SENSITIVE TO LIGHT…AND EVERY CONSIDERATION HAS BEEN GIVEN TO OUR COMFORT…HERE IN THIS DELIGHTFULLY DREARILY PLACE…” He said, as they walked though the trees. The whole things looked like a set straight out of Sleepy Hollow.

“Nice place they’ve got here.” Chance whispered to Jake.

“WHATEVER YOU DO…DON’T BETRAY YOUR PRESENCE…BY SCREAMING…FOLLOW MY VOICE…COME…YOU HAVE ACTIVE IMAGINATIONS…THAT’S GOOD —-” Alfred is distracted by a fire glowing of in the distance.

“What’s that?” Jake asked. Rod frowned.

“I’m not sure.” He said.

“Not sure?!” Chance said. “You OWN this place, and you’re not sure?!”

“Lets have a look, shall we?” Alfred said, as they walked towards it. They got closer to it, and peered out from behind some bushes.

There were about five kids, in their teens, all sitting around a camp fire. There were logs surrounding the fire, and at the head of the circle, sat a stone chair. One teen sat in that chair, holding a brown bag. He was speaking to the assembled crowd.

“Oh great.” Rod said. “Not those damned kids again.”

“Imagine, if you will, that there are two kats, that are coming home from a movie, on Christmas eve night, and for some reason, it’s stormy. They take refuge in an old abandoned mansion. But what if that mansion weren’t so abandoned?” The teens all give each other interest looks. “Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this story — The tale of the—”

“WAH – CHOO!” Chance sneezed. All the teens sitting around the fire, suddenly look in the direction of the sneeze.

“Get outta here you damn kids!” Rod cries out. “Before I give YOU the tour!” The teens all scream, and vacate the camp fire. The last one to leave, pours a bucket of water over it.

“Damn kids.” Alfred said. “They always try to sneak in as a cameo.”

“Who were they?” Jake asked.

“Never mind.” Rod said. “Let’s get on with the tour.” They head back to the carriages. But before they get there, a headless horseman appears on the road, waving a sword. He is fighting with constable Ichabod Crane. He then kicks the constable, and cuts his head off. Giving ghastly shrieks, he gallops towards the four.

“Look out!” Jake cried out, as he and Chance started running away from the headless horseman. Alfred, and Rod don’t even move. Then, Alfred pulls out an old flint lock pistol, and shoots the Headless Horseman in the chest.

“ARRGH!” He cries out, and falls of his horse, and lands on his back. Suddenly, a small door in his chest pops open, and out jump two mice.

“Gee Brain.” One says. “That was fun. Can we do it again?” The other mouse, whacks his friend on the head.

“You may have beaten us this time.” Brain says to the two ghost hosts. “But there’s always plenty of tomorrow’s.”

“Go away.” Rod says.

“Very well.” Brain says. “But you haven’t heard the last of us.” He points his finger at them. “We’ll be back, you’ll see!” He then turns to his partner. “Come Pinky.” He says. “Lets us go home and ponder.”

“About what Brain.

“The same thing we do every other night, Pinky.” He said, as he walked off into the forest. “Try to take over the world!”

“Who were they?” Jake asks, as he and Chance come back.

“Pests.” Rod says, “But they don’t concern us.” They all hop into the carriage, and drive off, once more.

“COME NOW…” Alfred continues. “WE MUST LEAVE THIS UNHOLY CIRCLE…FOR THE SPIRITS HAVE RECEIVED YOUR SYMPATHETIC VIBRATIONS…AND ARE BEGINNING TO MATERIALIZE…”

Sure enough, a dense fog, begins to fall upon the carriage, as they drive though another door. Right into the middle of what looks like down town New York.

“What do you call THIS place?!” Chance said, looking out the window.

“How about a little lunch brake.” Rod said, as he got down from atop the carriage.

“LUNCH BRAKE??!!” Chance cried out. “Where are we now?!”

“The dinning room.” Alfred said, as he got down from the drivers compartment on top of the carriage.

“Dinning room?” Jake said. “This looks like Megakat City.”

“Come.” Alfred said, as they walked into a corner restaurant, called, ‘RESTAURANT.’ The moment they enter the door, a strange sound suddenly appears, like a bass being played, very quickly.

“What was that?” Chance asked.

“What was what?” Rod asked. There are heaps of people in the restaurant, but only a table with four people sitting at it, can be herd the loudest.

“So the guy says to me, Jerry, what is it, with the what is it’s?”

“I don’t know Jerry.” Elaine said to him. “They can be very annoying.”

“What is it?” Jerry Seinfeld said. “What’s wrong with my comedy?”

“You suck, that’s why.” Gorge said. “You suck as a comedian on your show, and you suck as a comedian in real life.”

“What? Are you against me too?” The guy with the puffy hair nodded.

“We’re all against ya Jerry.” He said. “We were living quite happily with our pay checks on the show, and then you had to get paid higher than us, and the show had to be canceled. What are we gonna do now Jerry? Huh? What?!”

“Well.” Seinfeld said. “For one thing, the reason why I’m paid a shit load more money, is because the show is about me…”

“It’s about nothing Jerry!” Gorge said. Elaine nodded.

“There you go, it’s about him.” Chance leaned over, and grabbed Seinfeld by his collar.

“Would you please shut up!” He growled. “Your voice is very irritating, and we’re trying to eat here.”

“And what is it with these cat people?” He said. “They just barge on in here, and expect everything to be giving to them….” Chance then picked him up.

“You asked for it!” He then heaved Seinfeld though a window, and out onto the busy road, where he is run over by a passing steam roller. A chorus of laugher broke out. Chance looked around the room.

“Where did that come from?” Jake asked Rod. Rod had a mouth full of sandwich in his mouth, and could only mumble.

“Break time’s over.” Alfred said. “It’s time to go.”

“WHAT?!” Chance cried out. “But I haven’t finished my pizza yet.”

“I said, that break time is over.” Alfred said, leaning closer to Chance. They both just stood there, looking at each other. Then, a small yellow puddle began to grow around chances left foot.

“Like he said.” Chance said, getting up. “Break times over.”

They all left the restaurant, and got back in the carriage. However, when Jake and Chance hopped back into their compartment, there was already someone in there.

“Who are you?” Jake asked. It was a plump middle aged man. With a small gray mustache. He wore the uniform of a World War 2 German Sergeant. By his side, was a bolt action rifle.

“I am Sergeant Hans Schultz , from Luft-stalag 13.” The man said. He then leaned over, closer to the two kats. “Ahh, tell me.” He said. “Is this Germany?”

“No, it’s not!” Chance said. “In fact, it’s not even Mega War 2!” The Sergeant gave him a funny look.

“What’s Mega War 2?”

“There version of World War 2.” Rod said from outside.

“You know this guy?” Jake asked Rod. Schultz suddenly went wide eyed, as if something Jake said scared him.

“I know nothing! NOTH – ING!” They just looked at him.

“We didn’t ask you if you knew anything.” Chance said. “We were asking Rod a question.” Schultz looked embarrassed.

“Oh.” He said. He leaned back in his seat, and looked out the window.

“Why are you here?” Chance asked. Schultz leaned closer.

“Huh?” He asked.

“WHY ARE YOU HERE???!!!!” Schultz jerked back, and rubbed his finger in his ear.

“I’m on a three week long vacation.” He said. “I just decided to drop by.”

“Next stop, the recreation room.” Alfred called down. “Hold on tight.” He then added. “We’re going into warp 5.” Before Jake and Chance an say a word, they are suddenly thrown into Schultz, as the carriage lunches off at an incredible, and impossible speed.

“When is this ride over.” Chance moans. Suddenly, from outside the carriage, a huge explosion is herd.

“What was that?” Schultz said, looking out the window.

“It would appear that we have an uninvited visitor.” Rod said, as the carriage came to a stop. The three passengers all get out, into what looks like Roswell New Mexico.

“Where are we now?” Chance said.

“Look at that!” Schultz said, pointing to the object that made the explosion. Suddenly, a hatch in the alien craft opens.

“Something is emerging from the alien ship!” Jake said. “Boy, he sure is dressed funny!” Alfred said. Suddenly, Chance and Jake fall to the ground choking as the dark figure jumps out of his ship!

“I am Darth Vader, the dark lord of Sith! And I am really in a bad mood!!!”

“Who… are… you? Why are… you… doing this?” Schultz stammered.

“I am Lord Vader and I am doing this because you are obviously part of the Rebel Alliance hoping to take me prisoner.” Darth Vader said.

“What Rebel Alliance?” Chance managed to get out. “I… GACK don’t know… what you’re talking about!?”

“Really? Well…” He then releases the two kats. “I guess I owe you an apology. Thankfully though, being evil means never having to say, “I sorry.”

“I see, Mr. Vader…” Alfred started, but Vader interrupted him. “Lord Vader.”

“Whatever, what do you remember before you crashed your vessel?” “Well, let’s see…” Vader said, rubbing his chin. “I was about to blast this smarmy little Skywalker kid, when this big ugly ship came in and caused the pilot on my left to panic.” He then starts to talk like a child who’s been in a fight. “He hit me… I went tumbling off into space… and then those stinking Rebels blew up my pretty Death Star!!!”

“How horrible!” Schultz said.

“Though break man.” Jake said.

“Then *sniff* I threw up in my helmet.” Vader droops his head in his hands, and begins to cry. Chance made a face.

“Ewwwww!!!” He said.

“Mr. Vader…” Alfred said, but Vader looked up.

“*sniffle* Lord…” He said, muffled.

“Right…” Alfred said, rolling his eyes. “You’ve been though an awful lot. Why don’t you follow that nameless security guard there and he can take you to our bathroom for some sick tablets.”

“Ok…” From out of no where, a man in a security guard’s uniform, takes Vader by the hand, and leads him away. Jake leaned over to Chance.

“I’d hate to see what the bathroom looks like.”

“Enough talk now.” Alfred said. “Let’s get back on with it.” They all get back in the carriage, and drive off to the Rec. Room.

The group entered another room, with new obstacles to face. The all climb out of the carriage, and look around.

“Are we on Earth this time?” Chance asked, with a bit of cautions in his voice.

“Well, were on a planet, and that is what counts,” the Jake replied. The five of them looked around surveying their new environment. In the distance they could see a silver disk shine against the purple sky. Jake and Chance’s expressions changed from happy to disappointed.

But before they could completely soak in the view, a robot on treads ran right for them shouting.

“Warning, warning.” Schultz, Jake, and Chance watched as it passed by them all. They wondered if they should take his warning to heed.

Before they could talk amongst themselves another figured emerged from the horizon. He was well into his forties with graying hair and what appeared to be a Day-Glo jumper.

“Help me you blister dunder head! The carrot is chasing me again!!!” he whined. He came to a complete stop when he saw the kats there watching him with interest.

“Aaaaahhhhh!!!” he shrieked. Then he went on running.

Jake and Chance were about to account on this event too, but before they could a cross between a carrot and a man was chasing after the first man and the robot.

“This, is the rec. room?” Chance said.

“Not that it really matters.” Alfred said. “There doesn’t seem to be much activity in here today. Lets go.”

“Let the madness ensue!” Chance said, getting back into the carriage.

“Indeed,” Jake said, doing an imitation of Spock.

The moment they leave, there is a huge explosion, and the area is suddenly filled with Terrain Marines, and huge alien looking bugs. The battle commences.

The Carriage stops in yet another room. They look around at their surroundings.

“Where are we THIS time?” Jake asked.

“Washington, I think.” Chance said pointing to the Washington Monument.

“What kind of house, holds the capitol?” Jake asked.

“This is also the rec. Room.” Rod added.

“O-kay.” Chance said.

The group started to walk around their new surroundings, oblivious to the fact that a person had seen them come into the room. He stopped his black Buick in it’s tracks. He opened the door, and stood hanging onto it in amazement as to what he just saw. He was wearing a dark gray suit with a blue tie and a trench-coat. He fumbled around in his pocket, searching for his cellular phone, not keeping his eyes off of this group of people who had just magically appeared out of thin air. He pushed button one on the phone and began to talk into it.

“Scully, this is Fox, I think an X-File just found me.”

Meanwhile, in the bathroom. Vader is being looked after by the houses doctor, who is the seventh doctor from the T.V. sires, Doctor Who.

“…so you see, it is my professional opinion that Callie Briggs needs to get laid.” The Doctor says. Vader rubs his chin.

“An interesting theory Doctor. Perhaps that is the problem with that bitch Leia.”

“Maybe, but I need to study this –Leia — first. .” The Doctor said, as he clipped Vader’s face mask back on. “You’ll be all right to go home, right after I perform a few more tests on you.” He then reaches down into his bag, and pulls out what looks like some x-rays. “I’m concerned about your power levels.” He said. “Have you tried using Energizer?”

“I do not have time for this, Doctor.” Vader said, brushing the question away with his hand. “I must return to my universe and rebuild the Empire.” The Doctor was confused. “To which Empire do you refer?” “THE Empire.” “That’s rather unclear.” He said. “Here we have many Empires. The Dalek empire, the Cyber-men Empire, The Empire State Building.” Vader is going red beneath his mask, and shoves out his hand. “INFIDEL!!! FEEL THE POWER OF THE FORCE!!!” He then begins to chock the Doctor. “Why are you doing that thing with your hand?” He asks, looking at Vader’s hand, stretched out like that.

“I am choking you.” He said, annoyed.

“I see.” He said. He then turned to his assistant, who is Ace. “Ace, make a note. Patient suffers from delusions of grandeur.” Ace whips out a note book, and begins writing away. “Why isn’t this working!?” Vader cries out, looking at his hand. “Perhaps you are crazy.” The Doctor suggested. Vader was not amused. “I am not! I am a Jedi Knight!” He roared. The Doctor raised an eyebrow. “A what?”

“A Jedi Knight!!! We are the all powerful masters of the universe!” Vader growled.

“You mean like the Master?” The Doctor said.

“The who?” Vader asked.

“No, the Master.” The Doctor said. Suddenly, a figure steps into the room.

“Did someone call me?” It is a man with a bread and mustache. he is wearing a black suit. “The Master!” Ace gasps.

“Oh yeah!!!” The Doctor said, as he turned to face him. “Master, I have a proposal for you.”

“A proposal for me?” He said, quite surprised. Darth Vader is trying to choke the Master in the background, the Master sees this and gives him an evil eye. “Oh, do cut that out, ugly. It’s rather annoying.” Vader buries his head in his hands and begins weeping Meanwhile, the others have just finished the tour of the recreation room, and are touring the bathroom. They walk in on the Master, The Doctor, Ace, and Vader, all sitting around. The Doctor is talking to the Master.

” …so you see, it is my professional opinion that Callie Briggs needs to get laid.”

“Sounds like a perfectly plausible theory.” Chance said. They all look up as Jake, Chance, Schultz, Rod, and Alfred enter the room.

“Indeed.” The master agreed.

“I *sniff* can’t choke you.” Vader whined. “Yes,” The Master said. “Well… do us all a favor and choke yourself.” “Professor, you’re wrong.” Ace said, butting in. The Doctor gave her a strange look.

“I beg your pardon?” He said. “You’re wrong.” Ace said again. “Sex isn’t the answer to everything.” “It’s not?” Chance said. “No. You say that Callie Briggs is irritable, jumpy, and overall in a bad mood all of the time?” The Doctor nodded.

“Yes.” Ace then turned to face Jake and Chance. “Has any of the you ever invited her out to dinner?

“Well, no.” Chance said. “Ever asked her how she was feeling?” “No.” Jake said.

“Has anyone offered to just be her friend?” “No…” They both say. “There you go.” She said to the Doctor. “Callie Briggs doesn’t need to get laid. What she needs is friendship, understanding, and… ack!” The Doctor looks up.

“Ack?” He said. “What’s ack?” Ace struggles on the spot. She is choking. “What’s wrong with you?” Ace is choking and pointing frantically at Vader. “Mr. Vader!” The Doctor said sternly.

“Lord.” He said back.

“Whatever!” He said, very irritated. “Release her this instant!”

“Look! I got my force choke back!” Vader cried out happily.

“…and we are falling all over ourselves in joy. Now, release her!”

“As you wish.” He lets her go, and Ace falls to the ground, clasping her neck.

“Are you all right Ace?” The Doctor said.

“*cough* Yeah.” She then turns to Vader. “Core, that was awesome. Can you teach me how to do that?”

“The force choke is not a toy.” Vader said. “It’s is a carefully executed maneuver of power and control.”

“I’ve got money.”

“The secret is in the wrist…”

“Come along, come along.” Alfred said to the group. “There’s still much more of the house for you to see.”

“When’s this tour gonna be over?” Jake asked.

“When I say it is.” Alfred said.

“I want to go home!” Jake whined.

“Enough!” The Doctor cried out, silencing them all. “I’m busy thinking and I can’t do that with you people whining!”

“What are you thinking about.” Jake asked him. “The Doctor is trying to think of a name.” Ace said.

“Why?” Jake asked.

“I don’t have one.” The Doctor said.

“So, you need a name.” Chance said. “How about Dr. Strangelove.”

“No.”

“Dr. Feelgood.”

“No.”

“Dr. Giggles?”

“No.”

“Dr. Dre?”

“No.”

“Dr. No?”

“No.”

“How about Dr. Brown?” Chance said.

“For the last time NO!” The Doctor shouted back. Chance backed off.

“Sorry.” he said. They all headed for the carriage. “How about….” The Doctor shot him a death glare, and Chance quickly shut up.

“WHATEVER YOU DO…DON’T BETRAY YOUR PRESENCE…BY SCREAMING…FOLLOW MY VOICE…COME…YOU HAVE ACTIVE IMAGINATIONS…THAT’S GOOD…” The carriage started up again, and they entered into another room. Actually, it looked like a future world. There were hover cars, and holographic signs all over the place.

“What is this place?” Jake asked.

“This is the living room.” Rod said, as the carriage came to another stop. The occupants of the cabin, all piled out onto the street, and looked around. Just then, two people waked over to them.

“I say, could any of you help us with out car?” Jake and Chance both stepped forward.

“We’re mechanics.” Jake said.

“Just show us the problem.” Chance said. One was a an old man, with white hair, and the other was a teenager in his late teens. They took them too an ally where there was a souped-up DeLorean.

“What’s it run on?” Jake asked, as he popped the bonnet.

“Garbage.” The old man said. Jake just gave him a look. Chance pushed Jake aside, and rummaged though the engine. Finally, he leaned out, and turned to the two standing behind him.

“You’ve got a busted radiator.” The old man slapped his forehead, and the kid shock his head.

“GREAT SCOTT!” The old man cried out.

“This is heavy.” The kid said. Schultz leaned over.

“Exactly who might you two be?”

“Doctor Emmitt L. Brown.” The old man said.

“Michael J…uh… Marty McFly.” The kid replied.

“What was the last thing you remember before coming here?” The Doctor asked them. “We were departing the year 1985 to retrieve a sports almanac from the year 1955. However, something happened along the way, and we landed in the future. How’d we end up here?”

“It’s a long story and I really don’t want to go into it with a least a couple of aspirin.” Chance said. “Alfred will fill you in later.” Just then, a bald man in a black and red uniform walks up to them.

“Excuse me, but could you all tell me were I am?”

“The future.” Doc Brown says.

“What year is it?” The man asks.

“2015.”

“That’s the past!”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m from the 24th century, 2015 is the past to me.”

“Just who the hell are you?!” Chance demands.

“I’m Jean-luc Picard, Captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise.” He looks around at the group. “You seem to know the just of things here, can I join you?” Chance suddenly whips out the Pastmaster’s watch, and fires it at Jean-Luc.

“Not today pal!” Picard raises his hands in defense, but vanishes in a purple cloud. Jake gives him a dirty look.

“Chance, that was totally uncalled for and —-” He then looks at the Pastmaster’s watch. “Where the hell did you get that?!”

“Sent away.” Chance said. Doc Brown rubs his chin.

“I wonder what ever happened to that Picard fellow?”

Elsewhere……

“Where the hell am I now?” Picard complained.

“We appear to have an intruder captain.” Spock said.

“I can see that Mr. Spock.” Kirk said. Spock turned to Kirk.

“Shall I call for security sir?” He said. Kirk waved the question away.

“No, I’ll handle it. Greetings… I’m James T. Kirk, captain of the Federation Starship Enterprise.” Picard’s eyes go wide.

“Wha…!?” He cried out. “I’M The captain of the Enterprise!” Kirk’s face twists into a nasty frown.

“Them’s fightin’ words!” He cries. He does a flying kick sending Picard sailing into the bulkhead.

Back in the Mansion……..

“You two might as well come along for the ride.” Rod said. Chance looked at the crowd, then back at the carriage.

“Are you sure we can all fit in there?” He asked. Rod shock his head.

“No you can’t.” He said. “But get in.” Grumbling, they all climb into the cabin, and they start off again. The carriage then stops once more, and they all get out.

“And this is the basement.” Alfred said. They all look around. There’s just a table with a single chair. A single light bulb lights the room. Yet the room is bigger than the White House.

“Why all the space?” T Bone asks. Just then, the nameless guard who escorted Vader to the bathroom, jumps out with a rather large Uzi.

“Halt.” He cries out. “None may pass into the basement with out a reason.”

“Why’s that?” Jake asked.

“Something could get stolen.” They all look around the room.

“What’s there to steal?!” Chance cried out.

“I don’t know.” The guard said. “I have my orders.” All of the sudden, his body is lit up with a strange blue energy. After a bright flash, we see that Guard has been replaced by Dr. Sam Beckett of project Quantum Leap.

“Oh boy…”

“Did you say something?” Jake asked.

“No.”

“Then I suggest we get on with our tour.” Rod said.

“Can I come?” Sam asks. Alfred nods.

“Sure.” He says. “Hop in.” They all scramble into the carriage. Inside, Sam is sitting by himself, wondering who he is, when Al, the project observer appears.

“Sam…” Al says.

“AL!”

“Did you say something?” Jake asks.

“No. It was a hiccup. Al, who is this guy?”

“I’ve been wondering that myself.” Chance said.

“Sam, your name is Security Guard No.1, you’re a guard in some haunted mansion.

“Hunted Mansion!?”

“Huh?” Ace said.

“Sorry, I was just clearing my throat.”

“Hey.” Al said. “Are we in a carriage?”

“Al, why am I here?”

“That is a very good question.” The Doctor said. “Ancient Pooptoe Indians believed that we were here to care for the earth otherwise known as…” The Doctor continues rambling

“Ziggy says that there is a 50% chance you are here to go on a hunted tour.” Al said, pressing buttons on the hand held computer.

“What’s the other 50%?” Sam asked, in a whisper.

“That’s odd.” Al said. “Ziggy says that there’s a 50% chance that you are also here to have sex with someone named Calico Briggs.” Sam’s eyes went wide.

“SEX!!!???” He cried out.

“Thanks, maybe later.” Ace said. “Next stop!” Alfred called out. “We are visiting the library!” The carriage then stops, in what actually looks like, a library.

“This is the only normal looking room in the whole house.” Jake said. Chance points over at a chair.

“Who’s that?” He asked. A huge man in a blue skin tight suit, wearing a brown night gown, sits in an arm chair. He has these strange looking antennas on his head. He his holding the book in different positions.

“OOOHHHHH!!” He cries out. “BIG and LITTLE words.”

“Ahh, excuse me.” Jake said, leaning over. “Who are you?” The figure looked up, and smiled.

“Talking cat people!” He cries out. “COOL!!!!”

“Who, Are, You?” Jake repeated.

“I am the righter of wrongs. I am the cleaner upper of nasty messes. I am guy who makes villains tremble. I am — THE TICK!!!” Jake and Chance look him up and down.

“Good for you.” Chance said. “Now, what are you doing in this library?”

“My ever trusted side kick, Arthur, suggested that I try to learn who to read!” He shoved the book he was reading into their faces. “Reading is the coolest thing EVER!!!!!” Chance looks at the books title.

“See Bill Run!” He read out allowed. The Tick nodded.

“Yeah!” He said. “And It’s go the coolest story line ever.” He raved on. “It’s about this guy called Bill! Right! And he goes for a run! Right! A real long run! Down the street! Then across the ROAD!! And finally, INTO THE PARK!!!”

“Are you feeling okay?” Jake asked him.

“You guys are the coolest.” The Tick said. “Can I come with you? Please?!”

“No.” both Jake and Chance said.

“AWWWWW!!!” The Tick whined. “Why not?”

“Because we are nearing the end of our tour.” Alfred said.

“GREAT SCOTT!” Doc Brown cried out.

“This is heavy!” Said Marty.

“Do be quiet, I’m a Doctor, not a microphone!” The Doctor snapped.

“Aww Crud?” Cried Jake.

“Oh boy!” Said Sam.

“This doesn’t look good buddy.” Chance said.

“Do not underestimate the power of the dark side.” Said Vader.

“I know nothing, I hear nothing! I see NOTH – ING!!” Stammered Schultz.

“Ziggy says there’s a 99% probability of at least a few more catch phrases.” Al piped, looking at the hand link.

“Really now Doctor!” The Master said softly.

“Core Professor!” Ace cried.

“Spooon!” Cried the Tick.

“Any more Catch lines?” Alfred asked. They all shock their heads. “Fine.” He said. “Let us continue the rest of the tour.

“Excuse me Professor!” Ace said. The group turned to face Ace.

“Yes?” The Doctor said.

“But there seem to be hundreds of other characters heading this way.”

“Like who?”

Well…” Ace said. “There happens to be The X-men, two people from something called the X-Files, two space ships calling themselves the Enterprise, Some lady called Ally Mcbeal, Spider-man, Sam and Max, Freelance police, the Biker Mice from Mars, A group of interdimensional travelers called Sliders, the Road Rovers, Robin Hood and his Merry men, James Bond, and some purple guy called the Phantom.”

“Ignore them.” Alfred said. “We don’t have the time.”

“Thank god.” Both Jake and Chance said, as the group pilled into the carriage.

“OUR NEXT STOP……IS THE GRAVE YARD…… ANY ONE WANT TO REST…..IN PEACE THAT IS……. MAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA H A HA HA!….. JUST KIDDING!”

They come outside into a grave yard, and look around.

“Charming.” Chance said. “Why here?”

“This is our rest stop.” Rod said. adding in a hint of sarcasm.

“You’re a regular comedian.” Schultz muttered. The Tick turned to face him.

“Hay!” He said. “I thought that was funny.” He pushed Schultz. “Leave him alone!” Schultz growled back at him.

“Do not make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry!’ Schultz growled at the Tick. “Ooooo, the big stupid Sergeant is gonna get angry with me! Ooooooo, whatever shall I do!?” The Tick said, dancing in front of Schultz. Schultz starts to go red. Suddenly, Schultz doubles over in pain holding his stomach.

“Auuugh!” He cries out. Chance grabs a hold of him. “Schultz?” He asks. “What’s wrong!?”

Sergeant Schultz’s head pops up revealing that his eyes have turned yellow. He continues to yell as his skin colour changes to green and his muscles bulge

“HULK SMASH!!!” Schultz roars, and punches the Tick in the face.

“All right!” The Tick cries out. “A super villain.” The two begin to wrestle on the ground. Suddenly, all the other guests suddenly gather round the two and begin chanting.

“FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!” They all cry, watching the two duke it out. Suddenly, the Master whips out some sort of silver ball, and throws it at both the Tick, and the Schultz Hulk. A cloud of silver smoke surrounds them both, and the Master laughs out loud.

“Hah Ha!” He cries out. “With these two powerful creatures under my power, I can now destroy the Doctor & Ace!”

“A-hem!” The Master looks over to see Jake, and Chance tapping their feet, with scowls on their faces.

“We ARE, the main characters of this story!” Jake said.

“Oh yeah.” He said, waving in their general direction. “And of cause Megakat City, and the SWAT Kats, and their whole planet Blah, Blah, Blah!” They both smile.

“That’s better.” Chance said. Suddenly, both the Tick, and the Schultz Hulk both get up, growling. They both speak like robots.

“We obey the master!” They both say.

“Good.” The Master says. “Now, DESTROY THE DOCTOR!!!”

“A-hem!”

“Errr…. I mean, DESTROY THE SWAT KATS!!!”

“That’s the last time we give YOU a cameo appearance!” Jake said.

“Shall we?” Chance says. Jake nods.

“SWAT KAT TURBO POWER!!!!” They both shout. They are surrounded by bright lights, and we they appear, they are dressed in their SWAT Kat uniforms.

“Core!” Ace cried out. “That saying activates your uniforms. That’s awesome!” Jake shrugged.

“Yeah!” He said. “We blew our savings on allot of ridiculous crap this year.”

“A-hem?!” The doctor coughs and points towards the rampaging brutes.

“Oh right, the villains.” Razor said. They both stood ready as the Tick, and the Schultz Hulk charged them down. They tackle them to the ground, and watch as a cloud of dust is kicked up, and the SWAT Kats get into a carton fight scene.

“We should do something.” Ace said.

“Like what?” Sam says. Suddenly, Yoda appears from behind a grave stone.

“The force, you can use. Help them you can.” He says.

“HEY!!!” Vader cried out. “This is MY cameo! Get lost!!!” Vader then picks up Yoda, and drop kicks him out of camera view.

“He’s right.” Ace cries out. “Mr Vader…”

“Lord!”

“Okay, okay…. Lord! We can use our force powers!”

“Very well, Ms. Ace!” Vader says. “But I will need to multiply your force power, ten times over in order to be effective!” He clamps his fingers together and pushes them outward, cracking his fingers. “I can use the universal energies — and special effects — to jump start Ace’s force powers! Either that or it will blow out every synapse in her body. It’ll be cool to watch either way!”

“Ace!” The doctor cries out. “Are you sure you wanna do this? It sounds risky.” Ace nods.

“That’s true Professor,” Ace says. “But we’ve got little choice.” She turns to face Vader. “Fire me up man!” Vader points his hands at Ace, and electricity shoots out of his finger tips, and into Ace.

“The SWAT Kats are in trouble!” The Doc Brown cried out. “Do something!” Sam pulls out his Uzi and fires at the Tick and Schultz Dust, dirt, grass, and stone are all kicked up, but the fight still rages.

“Huh?” He says, looking at the Uzi. “What gives?” He then spies a label, and reads out aloud.

“Bad guy Action movie machine gun : hits everything but the intended target.” Sam groans.

“We’re ready! Ace cries out.

“NOW!” Marty called out. Ace and Vader both raise their hands and point at the Tick, and Schultz. They suddenly stop fighting the SWAT Kats and start floating up in the air, struggling. The SWAT Kats get up, and look up at the floating villains.

“Uh – oh.” The Master says, as he turns to run away. “I’m outta here!” He starts to run, but suddenly, he trips over an umbrella, belonging too the doctor. He just smiles, and raises his hat. The Master gets to his feet, and comes face to face, with Sam and Marty McFly.

“This is gonna be REALLY heavy.” Marty says, as he and Sam both punch him in the face. The Master flies back, and is knocked out cold. The Doctor walks over to the Tick, and Schultz, and throws some dust on them. The Tick and Schultz return to normal. Schultz then morphs back from the Hulk, and into himself again.

“I’m back to normal.” Schultz cried out happily. He then turned to the Tick. “I told you not to make me angry.” Suddenly, the music to “Hallelujah” begins playing over some hidden speakers as the crowd celebrate.

“Sam…” Al said.

“What?” Al waves bye-bye as Sam leaps.

“Hey, I’m back!” The guard cried out.

“Lets take our leave now, shall we?” Rod said. Alfred nodded.

“What about them?” Jake asked, pointing to the crowd.

“They were not part of this tour.” Alfred said. “You are, and must finish it.” Sound of grandfather clock striking the hours. “Hey!’ Jake said. “It’s midnight.” Suddenly, the cheering crowd suddenly vanish, and the two kats are back in the same room, they started the whole tour in.

“What the—?!” Chance cried out. They are all alone. Rod Sterling, and Alfred Hitchcock are gone.”

“DID YOU ENJOY YOUR VISIT?…” Alfred’s voice echo’s around the room. “I TOLD YOU WOULD NOT BE HARMED…THANK YOU FOR THE TIME AND KINDNESS…COME AGAIN…BRING YOUR FRIENDS…IF THEY BELIEVE THE STORY YOU TELL…I HAVE TO GO NOW…IT IS MIDNIGHT…PLEASANT DREAMS…HMHMHMHM…HMHMAHAHAHAHA!…”

Suddenly, the two double doors that lead into the house, suddenly swing open. The two kats suddenly made a mad dash for the door, they run out, into the pouring rain.

The two kats raced for the closed gate, they jumped over it and without looking back began to run and didn’t stop running until the mansion was far behind and out of sight and still they continued running finally returning to the Garage, and ending their nightmare adventure vowing never again to return to that spooky house!

“Hay Chance.” Jake said, once they were back in their home.

“Yes Jake.” Chance said.

“It’s past midnight, you know what that means?” Chance smiled.

“It’s Christmas.” He said.

“Merry Christmas Chance.” Jake said.

“Merry Christmas Jake.” Chance said. “Now let us never speak of this unholy pointless adventure ever again.”

“Do you think it was real?”

“Let’s leave it at that, shall we?” Chance said. They both went to bed, and went to sleep.

EPILOGUES :

Rod Serling, and Alfred Hitchcock sit in front of a raging fire, drinking coffee. Just in front of the fire place, is a small black and white T.V.

“That was a rather interesting tour, wouldn’t you say Serling?” Alfred asked.

“I’ll say.” Serling said. “I wonder where those damn kids went?” They shrug, and continue watching it’s a wonderful life on T.V.

“Yo man.” Elvis says, as he sits down on the couch with a Cheese burger. “Turn it up.”

Elsewhere…..

The Master stands in a misty room, fog is everywhere, and a deep bombing voice is speaking to him.

“Master!” The voice says. “You failed to destroy the Doctor.”

“Sorry.”

“You know what this means!” He looks up fearfully.

“No Christmas Bonus?”

“Exactly!”

“Dang!” The Master turns around to leave.

“Before you leave, say it!” The master groans.

“Do I have to?”

“SAY IT!!!!” The Master sighs, and shoves his arm into the air.

“Hail Microsoft.” The voice starts to chant, louder than the Master.

“HAIL MICROSOFT!!! HAIL MICROSOFT!!! HAIL…”

Elsewhere, again……..

Doc Brown, and Marty are flying though space and time.

“There, that’s the last of them.” Doc Brown said.

“It sure was cool of you to drop off the Tick, Sergeant Hans Schultz, And Captain Picard, off in their proper times!” Doc Brown smiles. “What can I say, Marty… I’m a cool… GREAT SCOTT!!!” The DeLorean collides with a police box

“Oh, DO watch where you’re going!” The Doctor cried out.

Elsewhere, once more…..

A bright flash of blue and light, and we see Sam standing in a room.

“Where am I now?” He asks. Al presses a few buttons. “Sam, you’ve leaped into some guy named…” Suddenly, a woman with a butcher knife in her hand runs at Sam, screaming.

“DIE!!! DIE!!! DIE!!!” She screams. “…John Wayne Bobbit.” Al says. Sam’s eyes go wide, as he starts to run away from the woman. “OHHHHH BOY!!!!”

CURTAINS CLOSE, AND LIGHTS LIGHT UP.

VOICE : Thank you once again for coming tonight, and we hope you have a merry Christmas. Also, the cast & crew members of the SWAT Kats Radical Squadron show are having a Christmas party down in the Green Room. You are welcome to come if you want. We will be having free drinks, including alcohol, and those little packets of salted peanuts which we swiped from Megakat International Airlines. Any complaints about tonight’s show can be given directly to ‘Employee X’

A huge man dressed in an ushers uniform that doesn’t fit with bulging biceps and a black ski mask with an ‘X’ in the middle of it, cracks his knuckles.

“GRRRRRRRRRR!” He growls. Jake and Chance watch from behind the curtains, as everybody begins to leave.

“Well, it looks like this adventure is over!” Chance nods in agreement.

“Yep! And for once, we’ve tied up all the loose ends!” Jake gives him a worried look.

“All the loose ends?” He asked. Chance nodded. “Yep! All the loose ends!”

Megakat City : The Next day……

In Megakat City Hall, Chance is walking through a corridor towards Callie Briggs office, with a present he got for her. Suddenly, the door opens, and his mouth droops, when he sees Darth Vader come out of Callie’s Office. Horrified, he rings the doorbell, only to be greeted by an EXTREMELY relaxed Callie Briggs.

“CALLIE!?” He cried out. “You and… that… that MAN?” Callie nodded, and smiled.

“He’s more machine now than man.” She said. Chance blinks a few times, then dropping his present, he runs out of the building, screaming all the way.

THE BITTER END!!!!!

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