Original SWAT Kats Story

Austin Katers

By Elizabeth "Razor" Berndt

  • 1 Chapter
  • 2,677 Words

“Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery” crossover. Britain’s top secret agent must stop Dr. Viper’s evil plans.

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Scene 1, 1967ó – Somewhere in Nevada

(We see a table surrounded by evildoers. At the head of the table, is Dr. Viper. He is stroking Raze, who is in his lap. Raze seems highly upset.)

Dr. Viper: Ladiesss and gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. You have disappointed me. You have failed greatly in trying to kill my arch-nemesisss, Austin Katersss ! That makesss me mad ! And, when I get mad, Raze getsss upset ! And, when Raze getsss upset… KATS DIE !! (You see Viper push red buttons right and left) Why must I be surrounded by frickin’ idiots ? (kills more of his goons… and leaves two of them to live) Mustafa ?

Mustafa: (played by -gasp- T-bone !) Huh ?

Dr. Viper: I want you to travel with Gina here and kill Austin Katers !

Gina: (played by Kikki): Oh, you need not worry !

(Now we flash forward to the opening to the movie)

Ladies: Oh, my GAWD ! It’s AUSTIN KATERS ! (scream and run after him)

Austin Katers: (played by Razor) Crud. (starts running) (He finally finds his AWESOME Union Jack racer, and “races” away !) Well, hello, Cynthia, my love !

Cynthia: (played by Strike) ‘Ello, Austin ! (beeping noise, Austin checks his viewing screen to see what’s up)

Austin: Hi, Basil !

Basil: (played by Mayor Manx) Hello, Austin ! This is British Intelligence. We’ve just had word that Dr. Viper is

(They get to Dr. Viperís secret headquarters, but they were too late !)

Dr. Viper: (laughs menially) You’re too late, Austin Powers ! Come, Raze ! (Raze comes to him, and he blasts off)

Cynthia: He

Dr. Viper: (says this when the door is closed) Next time, you’ll see me… in the future ! Bwa, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ! (Many, many years later… Austin has also been frozen, and Cynthia, well, she still lives in London, and she has a daughter named Vanessa !)

Scene 2 Somewhere in Nevada, 1997

(We find Austin Katers frozen, and the unfreezing process is about to begin)

Feral has found Austin, and with the rest of the scientists unfreeze him.

Enforcer: Who’s that ?

Feral: Austin Katers. Secret agent of British Intelligence, best agent around, and irresistible to women.

Enforcer: So, we unfreezin this stiff ?

Feral: (mumbles) Well, duh !

(They unfreeze him, and soon Austin becomes more familiar with his surroundings)

Feral: Hey, Austin, you with us ?

Austin: (opens his eyes) Where am I ?

Enforcer: What’s wrong with him ?

Feral: It’s part of the unfreezing process… His time was in the 60’s, he just has to get used to 1997.

Austin: Yeah, it seems I have a problem… (loudly) controlling the volume of my voice !!

(Vanessa enters)

Feral: Mr. Katers, there is someone who I would like you to meet, Vanessa Wiles !

Austin: (smitten) God, Vanessa’s got a great body. I bet she shags like a minx !

Vanessa: (played by Sami, looks disgusted)

Feral: (mumbles) Don’t worry, Vanessa, that’s part of the unfreezing process too. (speaks up) Austin, you and Vanessa will be working together, as partners. (says this to Austin) Keep that in mind, Mr. Katers !

Austin: Whatever, baby.

(They go to pick up Austin’s stuff)

Guy at desk: (played by Wildkat): One pair Italian leather boots…

Austin: Bonjurno, there boys ! (takes boots)

Guy at desk: One crushed velvet outfit…

Austin: Shagadelic ! I’ve been waiting so long just to get that outfit back !

Guy at desk: One Swedish made penis enlarger…

Austin: Hey, that’s not mine !

Guy at desk: One warranty for Swedish made penis enlarger, signed Austin Katers.

Austin: But, this really isn’t my bag, baby !

Guy at desk: One book, Swedish made penis enlarger: This thing really is my bag, (pauses) baby !

Austin: Vanessa, it’s not mine… I swear to you, baby !

Vanessa: From now on, Austin… You address me as Vanessa, or Vanna.

Austin: (watches her walk away, whistles a bit) Groovy, baby… Sorry, I mean Vanna ! (grabs everything from the desk, even the penis enlarger) I’ll take that !

Scene 3 – Dr. Viper’s son, and main take over point !

(In Dr. Viper’s secret lair)

Viper: I can’t believe thisss, Mustafa ! Look at what the unfreezing processss did to Razzze ! (bangs fists on table) And, what of Austin Katersss… Is he dead ?

Mustafa: Oh, no… He lives.

Viper: You moron ! I thought I told you to KILL him ! (presses red button and adjourns his meeting) This should remind you guys that you don’t messss with Dr. Viper ! (strokes Raze) OK, now I want you to meet my agents… Gina, you already know these guysss, but pay attention anyway !

Gina: (looks bored, files nails)

Viper: This isss one of my agentssss, Mr. Wang. (played by Mr. Young) He can kill anybody. Mr. Wang, show them what you do ! (he throws his shoe, and it decapitates a marble statue, Mr. Wang cracks his head) Oooo ! I love it when he doesss that ! Next contestant, a very superstitious man, Harold, wears charms he collects from each of his victims. Scotland yard would love to get a hand on those.

Harold: (played by, Steel) They’re always after me lucky charms ! (everyone laughs, hysterically)

Harold: What ?! They ARE after me lucky charms !

Gina: Oh, you don’t understand, Harry. Lucky Charms is a cereal. When the children eat it, they think they are eating candy…  (Says this like a child) Woo ! Iím having fun ! Eating all these candy marshmallows !! (stops laughing, and they all stop laughing)

Viper: And, of course there is my number two agent… Number 2. (Number 2 walks in, played by Jeffrey Cataway) Number 2 is very sly, and also has a lovely mistresss, may I add.

Gina: Well, I never !

Viper: But, certainly not as beautiful as you, my dear. OK, now our plan is to use some lasers, destroying the OZONE in the sky, making skin cancer worse…

Number 2: That’s already happened.

Viper: (clears throat, hands Raze to Mr. Wang) OoooKay. Let’s try this one. We tell British Intelligence that Prince Charlesss isss getting a divorce and…

Number 2: (clears throat) That also already happened.

Viper: Crud. (pause) Come on, throw me a frikin’ bone here. I’m the bossss. Need the info. (pause) Aw, to heck with it… Let’sss just do what we alwaysss do and hold the world hostage.

Number 2: But, we don’t have anything to use to get our money…

Viper: The money I have in mind isss (pauses) one million dollarsss.

Gina: Come on, sweety… That’s obsolete !

Viper: Dang !! OK, one hundred million dollarsss. And, I’m thinking we will use an underground missile to make the UN pay attention to usss, and give usss that money !

Gina: Sounds good to me…

Viper: Gina, you sound like you want to tell me something, well, spit it out, girl !

Gina: Ahem. Remember when you said, “Gina, my love… If I don’t come back, I want you to freeze my semen and make me a son…”  Well, here he is. SCOTT ! (played by Norman Bobkat)

Scott: Yeah ?

Viper: (slowly gets out of his chair) My son !

Scott: Who’s the freak ?

Viper: Scott, now listen to me… I’m your father !

Scott: I haven’t known you for 18 years now, and you come out saying that you are my father… Man you are screwed up !

Viper: What’sss the matter, I’m with it ! (starts dancing the Robot) Don’t stare at me like I’m a frikin’ Frankenstein ! Give your dad a hug ! Come on !

Scott: What are you doing ?

Viper: Come on ! (starts chasing him) Hug ! HUUUUUUGGGG !

Scott: Get away from me, you freak !

(Fade out )

Scene 4- Meeting with Number 2, Alotta Fachina and one run for the hills… Enter quote from Full Throttle…

Austin: (thinking) I knew it ever since I saw the Italian bird’s face that I was in trouble. The bird was fine, and I mean FINE ! She was attracted to my charms, as I to hers.. But I’ll never forget the name Alotta, because it almost made me lose my darling Vanna !

Vanessa: What are you staring at ?!

Austin: Oh, me… Nothing ! I’m just playing cards with this evil type person !

Vanessa: You think you can defeat one of Dr. Viper’s henchmen ?

Austin: Dr. Viper… I don’t know what he’s up to, but I’m sure I can stop it. I’ve got a special assignment tonight.

Vanessa: (sceptically) And, what’s that ? (she notices Austin can’t fix his gaze on the cards… He has Alotta’s figure to study)

Austin: If I told you, it wouldn’t be special. Oh, don’t look at me like that ! You know I can’t stand the sad puppy look ! OK, OK ! I’ll tell you…(whispers in her ear)

Vanessa: Promise me you won’t make love to her !

Austin: I promise. (crosses his heart…)

Scene 5 – Alottaís penthouse

(opens the door quietly, takes out his camera, and finds a black portfolio… )

Austin: Hmmm…(starts taking pictures) Yes, yes… Work with me now. Perfect ! Smashing ! (hears the door open, and becomes silent… he shuts the portfolio, quickly, and places his little camera back in his pants pocket) You seemed surprised to see me, Mrs. Fachina !

Alotta: (played by Calico Briggs) While you are here, let me slip into something more comfortable. (you see her dress behind a nicely lighted door, where you can see her lovely figure silhouetted against the door. Austin begins to shake and tremble…)

Alotta: (dressed in a thigh high Japanese robe, nothing else) Well ? Follow me.

Austin: Don’t mind if I do. (he watches her undress and get into the hot tub, and he does the same)

Alotta: Mind if I wash you ? (washes him… Austin groans with pleasure) Would you like some sake ?

Austin: Sock it to me ! (she gives him the sake…. He shakes his head and relaxes. Then, he cuts the cheese)

Alotta: How dare you break wind before me !

Austin: I didn’t know it was your turn !

Alotta: Oh, Austin, you silly harry kat… Let’s make love ! (They make love)

Austin: Oh, well hello, vicar… Wooooa… That’s the spot, right there !

(fade out)

Scene 6 – Back at home…

Vanessa: Well, how did you sleep last night ?

Austin: (makes a pleased noise like Homer Simpson) Alotta….

Vanessa: What about Alotta ?!

Austin: I can’t lie to you, Vanessa, I shagged her. Shagged her rotten !

Vanessa: AUSTIN ! You promised.

Austin: I tried to resist her, but… Aw, mamma !

Vanessa: So, it was she that shagged you, not the other way around ?

Austin: That’s how I see it.

Vanessa: OK… But, do you have any feelings for her ?

Austin: She’s a slut. You, you are intelligent, caring, and much more beautiful than Alotta.

Vanessa: Do you really mean that ?

Austin: Of course.

Vanessa: Don’t look at me that way, you know it drives me wild.

Austin: But, I love driving you wild. (laughs)

Vanessa: All right. I’ll forgive you, but promise me, and promise for REAL this time. Do you love me ? Will you love me for as long as I live ?

Austin: (kisses her)

Vanessa: (dazed) Ooo. I’ll take that as a YES.

(They head to British Intelligence, and he shows him the pictures of Dr. Viper’s plan… Meanwhile, in Dr. Viper’s underground layer)

Dr. Viper: Well, how’s it going ?

Scott: This is crazy. Having me join in with your evil plans. Listen, mister… I’ll have no part of this. I’m leaving… I’m moving to California. See ya ! (walks out)

Viper: Scott !

Gina: You can’t stop him, just let him go. Sometimes, dear… You must let go. It’s that time.

Viper: Well who needsss that good for nothing anyway ?

Gina: OK, we hear that Austin Katers is going to stop your plans sometime tomorrow night. But, we have a secret weapon, Herr Doctor. Mr. Wang, bring out the FemBOTS ! (Fembots are introduced) They are irresistible to men, and the perfect weapon to defeat Austin Katers.

(Introduce men to the Fembots…)

Gina: OK, guys. Kill these women.

(They can’t. They all get butchered by the ‘bots ! Mr. Wang takes them away)

Viper: Boy, I’m impressed by girlsss of that… calibre ! When I say calibre, I mean the ends of their guns, and how… never mind. OK, guysss… Start the frickin’ count down !!

The countdown begins, and we see Viper all suited up for it. He looks rather ridiculous. We see him try to sit down but the suit keeps riding up.. so he just stands in it.)

(Austin makes his dramatic entrance, of course with Vanessa)

Austin: HA !

Vanessa: HA !

Viper: Stop them ! Stop them ! Don’t just stand there, you idiotsss !

Mr. Wang and Number 2 try and stop them, but Vanessa holds them off, and Austin shuts off the main switch !)

Viper: Son of a submariner ! (grumbles) And, my two best agents are dead ! GINA ! Come with me !

Gina: Right away, Herr Doctor ! (follows him)

Vanessa: Let’s get ‘im !

(Austin follows her, and a frantic Raze rushes in front of them !)

Austin: Follow that cat !

(They follow the cat, but of course, they are late…)

Viper: Next time, Katersss. Next time. (Gina is sitting on his lap, along with Raze)

Gina: See ya, losers !

Austin: Dang.

Vanessa: Don’t worry, there won’t be a next time… When he unfreezes, he’ll die of old age. And, Gina… well, I wouldn’t worry about her. She’s no problem. And, Raze… well cats live for a long time, this cat is no problem, as you say, it’s in the bag !

Austin: Shagadelic !

Vanessa: Oh, behave !

(Later the two are married, and happy that way)

Scene 7 – Married !

Vanessa: I love you Mr. Katers. Austin: And, me as well, Mrs. Katers.

Vanessa: I’ll love you till the day I die.

Austin: As so will I.

Vanessa: Oh, Austin… You’re such a poet !

(They kiss, and that’s the end)

The credits are ended by a dancing and grooving Mr. AND Mrs. Katers !!

BY: Elizabeth Berndt

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