Original SWAT Kats Story

Two Really Wild Maniacs

By Christopher Teo

  • 1 Chapter
  • 2,727 Words

Maniacs Doug and Harry visit the salvage yard and get themselves in trouble with Dark Kat.

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Author's Notes:

Hi. I am the writer of this story and now, I would like to point out a few things. Firstly, this story is in Megakat City. If you could not figure it out by yourself, well, now you shall never know because I already told you, SO THERE, HA!
Secondly, the characters in this city are all different types of mammals. For example, in this city, there are kats, dawgs, raccoons, mice and other forms of mammals who walk on their hind legs. There are no birds, reptiles or fish that can walk on their hind legs (that I know of that is). WHAT? Just because you never saw any dawgs in the
Swat Kats cartoons does NOT mean there aren’t any! It’s just that Kats make up a majority of the population. There are no humans whatsoever in this city. Don’t ask, there just isn’t.
Thirdly, I did not ask Hanna-Barbera permission for using Megakat City or for the use of their characters. I wrote this story just for the sheer fun of it. AND I AM NOT MENTALLY UNSTABLE, HAHAHAHA!
Fourthly, there are no gross or obscene scenes in this story. And if you were hoping for some, immediately go seek professional psychiatric help you sick, sick monkey!
Fifthly, the similarity between the Mask and Douglas D. Dog and Harry Furrball is intentional. Doug and Harry are the “Masks” of the Kat Universe. I have no intention of infringing on the property of Dark Horse comics or the cartoon. So please do not sue me.
Sixthly, … actually there is no “Sixthly”, I just used it as a desperate ploy to make the story seem longer. (And hopefully, make the story seem better).

And now, on with the story (faint fanfare of trumpets)

In the dark shadow of the night, a vigilante waits in the darkness. He waits for the perfect time to strike down on crime. He waits until Dr. Viper comes close enough for him to exact his revenge. Suddenly, I, the writer realize that I am writing the wrong story and now YOU must wait until I remember what story I am supposed to write. I slap my head, think for a while, go to the fridge and get some refreshments (if you want you have permission to go too). I remember want I am writing about and immediately set about writing the story. You can stop waiting now.

The story begins at the garage. We see Chance Furlong and Jake Clawson watching television. They are now watching Scardeykat. If this were a cartoon, I would not have to tell you that. But
NOOOOOOOOO, some lousy JERK (whose name I believe is tED tURNER) cancelled the series. HEY tED! If you are reading this, I HOPE THE FLEAS OF A THOUSAND GIANT CAMELS INFEST YOUR ARMPITS! AND I HOPE THOSE FLEAS HAVE BIG APPETITES, EVERY LAST ONE OF THEM! And now back to our story.

“Ha, that Scardeykat sure is a real riot right Jake?”

“I can’t believe that I let you talk me into watching the Scaredy Cat cartoon marathon.”

“Aw come on, he’s a ton of laughs, besides it’s only three hours.”

“Why can’t Dark Kat attack Megakat City at times like this.”

Suddenly, out of the blue, before either Jake or Chance could react appropriately, a sign falls on my head. It says, “We get the picture so get on with the story! Yours sincerely, the readers.”

Anyway, a Kat with light brown fur and a yellow suit jumped on the sofa between Chance and Jake.

“Heyhowdy,canItakeaseat,don’tmindifIdo,doyouhaveanypopcorn,nevermindIbroughtmyown.” After having said that in one breath, he reached into his coat and pulled out a bathtub full of popcorn and started munching on it while watching the TV, completely ignoring the two kats. “Oh darn, I forgot the butter. HEY DOUG! GET ME SOME BUTTER!”

As if on cue, a Jack Russell terrier (in case you didn’t know, a Jack Russell terrier is a dawg with a white fur coat (his own fur, that is) and several patches of brown fur on it) jumped through a
window, leaving a dawg shaped hole behind him. He pulled out a tanker full of butter from his trousers pocket, poured some on the popcorn, put the tanker back in his pocket. Then he sat down and started watching the TV too.

At this time, Jake and Chance were flabbergasted, but who wouldn’t after seeing what they have just seen.

“Hey who are you guys? And how did you get in here? The door is locked.”

“I’m Douglas D. Dawg and my friend here is Harry Furrball. Friends just call us Doug and Harry. We’re really famous comedians. Or at least we will be when someone watches one of our acts.”

“If you can’t tell who is who, you’re probably blind or at least lack common sense. And to answer your second question, I unhinged the hinges on your door.”

Jake turns and sees the door propped against the wall, unhinged and all. Wanting to sort everything out, he turned around to question Doug and Harry further. Only to find that they are completely engrossed in the cartoons. They would not answer to him at all. Seeing no other alternative, he stood in front of the TV, blocking their view.

“HEY! DOWN IN FRONT!”

“Doug, I’d like to ask you a few questions…”

“OKAY! I CONFESS! I CAN’T TAKE THE PRESSURE ANY LONGER! I, DOUGLAS D. DAWG, WAS THE ONE SWALLOWED THE REFRIGERATOR!”

“You swallowed the refrigerator?”

“Well, I was hungry and it looked so appetizing. Oh and I ate everything else in it too.”

“YOU SWALLOWED OUR REFRIGERATOR?”

Doug was about to reply when he burped and a refrigerator light fell out of his mouth. Doug smiled sheepishly (Or should that be doggedly?)

Jake shook his head and decided to ask Harry instead. “Harry I’d want to know why you’re here and how did you do all those things?”

“You mean like pulling out a Ferrari out of my back pocket.”

“Yes. And…”

“Why I’m glad you asked, we have an origin sequence made on tape for just such an occasion.”

At a signal from Harry, (literally, Harry signals Doug with two flags) Doug pulls out a tape labeled “The Origins of Doug and Harry”. He then pulls out a VCR and in five seconds flat, he fixes it to the TV. He then stretches the TV as though it was made of clay. You could have really used this guy the last time you watched a video. He then takes out a shotgun blasts the lights out.

“You could have just used the light switch.”

“But this way is funnier.”

Doug jumps back onto the couch and Harry takes out a remote control and presses a button. Unfortunately, it was actually the control for a bomb and he pressed the detonation button. Thus causing a mansion to explode. Fortunately it was tED tURNER’s mansion and there was nobody was in except tED. So needless to say, nothing bad happened.

Harry scratched his head when nothing happened, threw the control over his shoulder and into a trashcan. He took out another remote and pressed a button. Thus causing the destruction of planet Earth. Just kidding! It was the real remote and he had started the tape running. It ran to a nearby snackbar, bought four packets of popcorn and ran back. He then placed the tape into the VCR and played the video.

The show starts and the TV shows Dark Kat in some kind of lab.

Both Chance and Jake are surprised to see this.

“Hahahaha! Now I have created Catalyst 101. This will mutate the cells of any living being into that of a super soldier. Now I must find some “test subjects” to make sure that the Catalyst works properly. But where to find…” Dark Kat turns to the window and who should pass by but Doug and Harry. At this point, these two wild maniacs are currently not so wild. In fact you could even say they look like the average boring kat on the street (Gasps of horror), except for Doug who would look like the average dawg on the street (gasps like before, only louder).

And then twenty creeplings jump out (I’ve counted them, really I have), grab them and drag them back to Dark Kat’s lab. This caused panic in the streets, or at least it would have if anyone actually witnessed the event. The few living creatures there either were not evolved enough to cause such a reaction or were looking the other way.

The creeplings now tied Doug and Harry to the wall in a rectangular room with a flask of Catalyst 101 on it. By now you would probably expected some protests from our two captives. Actually they did protest but I’m only letting you know now.

“HEY! LET ME GO! I’LL SUE! AND I HAVE A REALLY GOOD LAWYER!”

“Actually we don’t how good she is Harry. We hired her 12 years ago and we never gotten into a situation where we actually needed her. And I didn’t get a good enough look at that pretty shekat’s resume because you hired her on the spot.”

“That’s not the point. Hey you weird red errr… thingies. Where are you taking us?”

“Hey Harry, this could be a great plot for a comedy. If we’re ever actually that desperate.”

Dark Kat enters. Again I curse tED tURNER for canceling the cartoon.

“Welcome to my lab. You two fine specimens are about to be test subjects for my latest creation. Catalyst 101! You are very fortunate for I’m about to take a different approach at applying the Catalyst. Instead of just pouring the Catalyst over you, I will place a bomb in the flask and when the flask explodes, you will be completely covered by the Catalyst. It will give you incredible powers beyond the thinking of normal Kats, just like in the comic books. And I will place electronic collars on your necks. These will give me total control over you when I activate them. And if the experiment fails and you die, I will simply throw your carcasses into Megakat Harbour.”

“Wow, we sure are lucky right Harry?”

“Shut up Doug.”

Dark Kat places a bomb into the flask containing the Catalyst and runs out of the room and locks the door. Doug and Harry exchange glances and gulp.

“This is really going to hurt.”

The bomb explodes and Dark Kat enters the room. Both of them are still intact and look surprisingly well for a kat and a dawg who have been extremely close to an explosion.

“Gee, if you stop and think about it, it wasn’t that painful after all.”

“Now let us commence with the tests.”

He releases the two and puts them in another room. He then commands ten creeplings to attack Doug and Harry. The creeplings attack, but Doug and Harry knock them stupid with two really big mallets, which they took out from behind their backs like a cartoon character. While the pile of semi-conscious creeplings contemplate on whether to consider working at a fast food restaurant, Dark Kat brings the two to the next test. He then takes out a control and a laser cannon rises out of the ground and prepares to blast Doug. But Doug takes out a set of tools and reassembles the laser cannon as a candy bar machine. While Doug and Harry snacks on the candy bars, Dark Kat laughs out.

“Hahahaha, with these two I will be able to rule Megakat City with no one to oppose me! And after that, I shall set my sights on the world! Hahahaha…”

“Woah buddy, I’d hate to rain on your parade but what makes you think we’re actually going to help you with that insidious plot.”

“Don’t but be a fool, with collars you have on I will be able to control… uh oh.”

Harry had slipped off the collars and placed them on two particularly unlucky creeplings who are currently having two thousand volts being zapped through them and obviously not liking it one bit.

“I…impossible! The collars cannot be removed!”

“Yeah, well tell that to those guys.”

“It’s amazing what you can do with a little butter. Hey let’s jump about the lab and wreak havoc.”

And with that Doug and Harry jump about the lab and wreak havoc.

Knocking the occasional creepling unconscious with a mallet. Dark Kat has been shocked by the sudden turn of events.

“Curses, the experiment has been a failure. Fortunately I still have the formula written on paper and downloaded onto the computer and memorized so that I may try again.”

“Gee looks like you won’t be too pleased when you find out what we just did.”

Harry had folded the paper with the formula on it into a paper plane and threw it into a fire that had resulted from Doug smashing a couple of vials of chemicals on a computer. Doug then used the CD that held the formula as a Frisbee. It flew under the wheels of an onrushing train, smashing it completely.

“I’m sorry I really am but I just cannot let you take over Megakat City. It’s not very nice taking over a city with brute force.”

“And now we’re going to have to erase that Catalyst 101 formula from your brain too.”

“Ha! Just try and stop me from escaping.”

Dark Kat runs over to the door leading to his jet, opens a door and runs into the wall that Doug had just built there recently. When Dark Kat regains consciousness he finds himself tied to a chair.

“Hi, I see that you have regained consciousness. Now we’re going to try to hypnotize you into forgetting that nasty old formula.”

And with that, Doug pulls out a giant watch and begins hypnotizing Dark Kat. But he only succeeds in hypnotizing himself into thinking that there are four creeplings flying around his head.

“Ooooooh, look at the weird looking whatzits.”

“Okay Doug, let’s forget about this method and do it the easy way.”

And then Harry pulls out an anvil and drops it on Dark Kat’s head. After repeating the above procedure several times, Dark Kat has soon forgotten the formula for Catalyst 101 (along with several other things). Then they let him go off and wander in the streets until an Enforcer arrests him for loitering. Then Harry turns to the screen and starts talking to the people currently reading this piece of fan fiction.

“Okay readers, now is the time I’d like to tell you something. Most of the stuff we do here defies the law of reality and should not be done by all of you humans. I just wanted to clear that up and make sure no one gets hurt trying to do some of this stuff.”

“Hey Harry, the Scardeykat marathon is about to start in five minutes.”

“Holy Toledo! Let’s hope that we can get to a TV in time for the show.”

And as the tape ends, Doug and Harry zoom off in search for that TV. Harry replaces the blasted the light with a brand new one, and turns the light back on.

“Well guys that’s it, that’s our origin and most of your questions have been answered. Now can we get back to the cartoons, pal?”

“Don’t you have a TV at your home?”

“That brings up another situation I’d like to mention. We were looking for an apartment before we gained our spectacular powers and since it’s already so late, I was just wondering if we could stay here until we find somewhere to stay.”

“We’ll give you twenty issues of Kat Kommando comics.”

“Deal!”

“Chance!”

“Oh come on, it’s only for one night.”

Jake looks at two very expectant and pitiful kat and dawg who are currently begging him on their knees. Doug is trying to spit shine Jake’s shoes, only to find Jake does not wear shoes and has spat onto Jake’s feet.

“Okay! But only for one night.”

Doug and Harry rush out of the garage and rush back in carrying all their things.

“Oh yeah, if you have any problems finding out that you’re the Swat Kats, don’t worry because we already know.”

Jake and Chance look at each other in surprise. Jake turns to ask Harry something, only to find that they are both sound asleep on the beds they pulled out of their pockets. Jake sighs. He knows that even if they really did leave tomorrow, they’ll be hearing from those two for a long time.

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