Does everybody know what time it is? That’s right, its INTRODUCTION TIME! Now is the time where I tell you all the stuff that you would need to know before you read the actual fan fiction. Of course, most of you would probably skip this part and get right to the story. In fact, the only reason I’m wrote this darn bit is because I don’t want to risk getting sued. I don’t feel very comfortable losing vast amounts of money, but who wouldn’t?
By this time, this will be the fifth fan fiction I have written, and to celebrate that, I gave myself a bowl of ice cream as a reward. Okay so it’s not much, what did you expect? A five-day long parade? Now let me make this clear, KATS ARE NOT THE ONLY SPECIES ON THAT PLANET! I’ve already said this repeatedly in my last four fan fictions. Okay… so the only species I’ve used other than kats are dawgs. Don’t rush me, I’ll get to the other species, just give me time.
I am NOT a bad speller; it’s just that kats are spelled kats. K-A-T-S. And the same goes for dawgs too. This is because this is how kats and dawgs are spelled in the kat world.
Now for the legal stuff, the Swat Kats and all the characters and places that are from the cartoon are the property of Hanna-Barbera. The characters from the Swat Kats cartoons belong to them. I’ve made it very clear and I would be very pleased if I did not get sued or dragged into some legal dispute, OKAY? All that stuff is very bad for me (particularly my wallet).
And to be quite honest, this fan fiction isn’t really about the Swat Kats. They’re just going to make a short appearance in it. HEY DON’T GO AWAY! STAY! STAY! This would be about Doug and Harry, two of the characters I created in my first fan fiction, and an RPG character from the Swat Kats RPG. I’m not going to tell you who it is; I want it to be a surprise. BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN I’M USING THE CHARACTER WITHOUT PERMISSION AND NOT ACKNOWLEDGING WHO CREATED IT! I’ll tell you after you find out who it is.
Well that’s the end of the introduction. You can wake up now. The fan fiction’s going to begin. At this point, you would probably hear the Swat Kats’ theme song (YOU KNOW. It’s the music that comes on when the cartoon begins). Unfortunately, that’s not possible. So INSTEAD… we’re all going to SING the theme song. All together now, take a deep breath.
Hi, this is Harry. Chris was getting a bit unstable for a while, so we had to make him rest for a while.
We think he sang the Swat Kats theme song too much, so we hit him with a mallet.
DOUG! I’m narrating here.
I WANT TO NARRATE TOO!
YEAH WELL… [Sniff, sniff] is that the fragrance of freshly baked cookies my nostrils detect.
[Sound of glass breaking]
When are you going to learn to use the door? Besides, the cookies are in here, not out there.
[Sound of wood breaking]
Hey at least I used the door. DIBS ON THE CHOCALATE CHIP COOKIES!
HEY DON’T HOG THEM ALL TO YOURSELF!
Oooooooh, My aching HEAD! And why are there two dawg-shaped holes…
DANG! NOT AGAIN! You guys carry on with the fan fiction. I’ve got to take care of these two maniacs.
CHRIS! THE TOASTER EXPLODED!
OH MAN! The fan fiction has begun, hope you like it and all that stuff. AND I’M GOING TO MAKE YOU TWO FEEL A GREAT DEAL OF PAIN!
START OF FAN FICTION
Jake was under the car fixing it. Don’t ask me how he fixes the car, I have absolutely no knowledge of cars whatsoever. Anyway, he was under the car and Chance walked out of the garage and headed towards him.
Jake rolled himself out from under the car with one of those things you can lie on and roll under cars, I forgot what it was called.
“I’ve talked with our two new tenants.”
“Doug and Harry?”
“Yep. I’ve found out how they discovered that we are the Swat Kats.”
“Do you remember when we flew a bit lower than we should have and thought we felt something hit our plane when we flew over a building?”
“Yes and I… It was THEM?”
“Actually it was just Doug. Harry chased after a plane in a race car.”
“Let me guess, he pulled it out from his pocket.”
“Right. Turns out Doug was on that building.”
“What was he doing there?”
“Trying to rent a place to stay.”
“I don’t understand.”
“An apartment in a pigeon coop.”
“A PIGEON COOP?!”
“I think they were getting really desperate.”
“Woah. Do you have anything else?”
“Yeah. Harry passed me this envelope.” Chance took out an envelope addressed to Razor and T-Bone. “We really should get around to teaching them not to call us by our secret identities in public.”
“Yeah. Now let me see what it says.”
This would be the part where Jake and T-Bone read the letter left to them by Doug and Harry. The following paragraph will be what is on the letter. I’m telling you this now for two reasons. One, I wanted to make sure that none of you guys get confused. And two, refer to one. I know I didn’t tell you about this in the introduction (those of you who actually read it and stayed awake), I didn’t want to spoil the surprise. Besides, it’s hard to concentrate when someone whacked you with a mallet and later messed up the kitchen. The letter is starting now, so pay attention.
Dear Jake/Razor and Chance/T-Bone, sorry we couldn’t stay, but we had to leave and find a place of our own to stay. We could have stayed for a month and you would have the time to observe us and discover what we’re like and how we think and what our shoe sizes are, but Chris doesn’t have the time to write all that, so we’re just going to leave you with this.
“No idea. Hey there’s something else in this envelope.”
Chance took out a sheet of paper from the envelope with the words “Character Biography” at the top. Chance looked at Jake who looked back and they both shrugged. They looked at the contents of the paper.
“Hey. This has their names, age and a physical description of them.”
“Yeah. And here’s our Swat Kat symbol at the top.”
“I wonder why they made it like this.”
“There’s a section on their special abilities.”
“It says that they can do everything cartoon characters can do.”
“Chance, you watch cartoons more than I do. Do you know what this means?”
“Sure I do.”
“So what can they do?”
“Well… They can get run over, get flattened by a giant anvil, squashed by a giant steamroller, and they won’t get hurt.”
“You mean they’ll be able to get out of those problems without injuries?”
“Actually they’ll still get hurt, but they can’t die.”
“Yeow. Is there anything else that they can do.”
“They can pull anything from behind their backs and out of their pockets.”
“I know. I still remember the time they came to the garage.”
(Jake is referring to the first fan fiction they appeared in, which happens to be the first fan fiction I wrote. For more information, read the ‘Two really wild maniacs. In fact, you should go and read that fan fiction, because if you don’t, you’ll be missing out on some great laughs. And if you still won’t read it, I’ll go to a corner in a huff and mope around until you do. So there.)
“Hey there’s a note here at the end.”
“What does it say?”
“It says ‘Don’t worry, we’ll come to visit.”
“Now I’m worrying.”
“I wonder what they’re doing now?”
As Chance wonders, we go over to the main characters of this story (Douglas D. Dawg and Harry Furrball. PAY ATTENTION!), Who are in the process of finding an apartment. Actually they’re in front of a building.
“Well Doug, today’s a new day and we are going to find an apartment.”
“Where are we going to start?”
“Hmmm. Let’s pick up where we left off. What was I doing when you got hit by the TurboKat?”
“Let’s see… you were collapsing on your knees and screaming.”
Harry collapsed on his knees and started screaming.
“IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS GOOD! WHERE IN KAT’S NAME CAN WE FIND A ROOM!?”
Then the wind blows a piece of newspaper into his face. Harry struggles around for a while with the newspaper in his face. Doug pulls it off and throws it into a trashcan.
“Stupid newspaper. Now I’ve lost my… GASP!”
Harry notices a bit of the newspaper before it went into the trashcan, bearing the words ‘ROOM FOR RENT’. He dives into the trashcan and frantically searches for the newspaper, flinging all the trash that was in the trashcan out in the process.
“Uhhhh. Harry, you shouldn’t be doing that. We could get fined for littering.”
“Give me a sec. FOUND IT!”
Harry leaps out of the trash can with the section of newspaper about the apartment in his paw.
“Yes! Apartment, HERE WE COME!”
Harry looks at the address and zooms off, leaving Doug in a cloud of dust. When the dust clears, Doug looks at the garbage strewn all over the place. Then he picks it all up and dumps it in. Remember that a litter-free city is a happy city. Of course, there’re still the giant monsters and psychotic villains attacking it every now and then, but we can worry about it some other time. Doug clapped the dust off his hands and rushed off to join Harry.
Harry dashes through the city, leaving nothing but a cloud of dust in his wake, with Doug following him. Soon, Harry skids to a halt, stopping right in front of a building.
“THIS IS IT! OUR NEW HOME! OUR LONG, LONG SEARCH HAS ENDED! I feel so happy I could c… YEEEEEOOOOOW!”
As you would remember, Doug was close behind Harry, and since Harry stopped so suddenly, Doug couldn’t stop in time. And so, he ran over Harry’s tail. I’m sure that most of you probably don’t have tails, but let me tell you, when a dawg runs over a kat’s tail, it hurts REALLY bad! Trust me.
As Harry was grimacing in pain, Doug walked up to him with an apologetic look on his face. “Gee Harry, sorry about that.”
“YOU SQUISHED MY TAIL!!!”
“Well look on the bright side, it could have been worse.”
“And how pray tell could it have been worse?”
“I’ll show you.”
He zoomed off somewhere and zoomed back with tED tURNER (Boo! Hiss!) He is bound up in ropes and gagged. Well how else did you think Doug was going to get him here?
“There, now I’m ready.”
“Oh forget about it Doug. You don’t have to go to all this trouble.”
“No Harry, it’s something I must do. Besides I’m supposed to do this. It says so in the script.”
Harry takes out his script and flips through a few pages. “… Well I’ll be, you’re right. Okay then, carry on.”
“All right, now pay attention…”
Doug zooms off into the distance, and starts running very quickly towards the very worried tED tURNER. He slams into him, causing him to fly into the middle of the road, and got hit by a car. He then flies off in another direction, only to be hit by another car, and get smashed flying into the next direction.
This process repeats itself several times.
Now I would like to take this opportunity to say that I don’t like Mr. tED tURNER. WHAT WAS HE THINKING? WHAT THE HECK POSSESED HIM TO CANCEL A PERFECTLY GOOD SHOW LIKE THE SWAT KATS? LOUSY, STINKY, SMELLY NO GOOD J…
Oh sorry. Guess I lost control over myself. Well, back to the story.
Doug and Harry look at tED tURNER being bounced about the cars like a pinball in a pinball machine, savor the moment, and walk into the building. The two walk into a lift and press the floor button where the apartment is. Harry briefs Doug on how to act when they’re with the guy who’s going to rent them the apartment.
“Now remember Doug, act really polite. No jumping on the couch, no swallowing every edible object in sight and then some, no running on the walls and ceilings.”
“Oh Krud! You mean I don’t get to do anything fun?”
“Oh don’t worry, this is just until we get the room. Then you get to anything you want.”
“[Phew] that’s a relief. But what if someone else already rented it.”
“If someone else already rented it, we’ll toss him out of the window.”
“That’s not very nice.”
“I DON’T CARE! I’M DESPERATE!”
“Hey we’re here.”
Doug and Harry walk in front of a door. Harry presses the doorbell and waits. Okay people, this is the moment you have been waiting for, or at least, the moment I hope you were waiting for. Drum roll please.
Doug rolls a drum down the hall. Not THAT drum roll. Anyway [AHEM] THE RPG CHARACTER STARRING IN THIS FAN FICTION IS… a gorgeous blonde she-kat in bathrobes?
“Hello? Who are you?”
This is not what I had planned.
Doug looks at the address on the piece of newspaper. He stares at it for a while, and looks at what floor they’re on.
“Hey. We’re on the wrong floor.”
Oh. So that’s what it was.
“Well we’d better get to the right floor. Come on Harry… Harry?”
Harry is starring at the she-kat and she is slowly moving back into her apartment.
“Come on Harry. We’ve got to go.”
Harry still stands there staring even after the door was slammed in his face. Doug waves a paw in front of his face. No response. Doug scratches his head for a while. Then he gets an idea. He reaches behind his back and pulls out a pail of water, and splashes it onto Harry. Harry is snapped out of his trance.
“Hey. What’s going on?”
“You were staring at the lady funny. So I splashed some water on you to snap you out of it.”
“Oh yeah. What were we supposed to be doing?”
“Getting the guy who owns the apartment to rent a room to us.”
“Yeah. Now I remember. Let’s go.”
“Hey Harry. There’s something else on this piece of newspaper.”
“What, more dirt?”
“No. It says ‘applicants for the room must apply before noon or the room will no longer be for rent.”
“Oh. What time is it now?”
“Five minutes to noon.”
It takes about three seconds for the crucial information to reach Harry’s brain. You would probably know what he’s going to do next, but I think I’ll just tell you anyway. Harry zoomed up the stairs to the correct floor to the correct apartment. Doug stood around for a while, shrugged, and ran after him.
Harry reaches the floor where the correct apartment is, just in time to say someone locking the door to his apartment.
“HOLD THAT ROOM!!!”
Harry rushes over to the person and turns him around. All right people, the Swat Kats RPG character is… not this guy. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT THE WRONG GUY AGAIN!
“Hey I’m nervous. Give me a break.”
The dawg that Harry suddenly turned around gave him an odd look, finished locking his door, and walked away quickly.
Doug ran up to Harry and showed him the piece of newspaper. “We’re on the right floor, but you got the wrong apartment Harry.”
“Dang. Well, let’s go.”
Doug and Harry walked up to another door. Hold on for a sec. Hey Harry!
“You got the right apartment this time?”
“Of course I do. What do you think I am? Stupid?”
Do you really need me to answer that?
“Ha, Ha. Very funny.”
Harry presses the doorbell. Third time’s a charm, I think. PLEASE! LET IT BE THE RIGHT APARTMENT! Door opens, and it’s… YES!
A tall, skinny brown furred kat wearing glasses and suspenders opened the door. Guess who it is. Oh go on, guess! Since I have no possible way of telling whether or not you know who this kat is, I’ll just tell you anyway.
Readers, meet Jeremy Kafka Lachlan MacKatlitch. I’m serious, that is his real name (in the kat world anyway). He is the creation of Nick Ball. There, I told you I would tell you about him when we reached this part. And I am using Nick’s character (It’s Jeremy, now pay attention) with his permission. Now that that’s all finished, let’s get back to the story, AND STOP THAT GROANING BACK THERE!
“Uh… who are you?”
“I’m Doug D. Dawg and this is my brother Harry Furrball.”
Jeremy looks at Doug, and then at Harry, and then back at Harry. “I don’t understand, you’re two different species.”
“I didn’t too at first, but my mom cleared things up for me. You see, the stork was carrying Harry and me to our parents, but then it turned out that the couple I was going to be sent to didn’t want a baby. Luckily, the couple Harry was being sent to, our mom and dad, decided to take me in as well.”
“Doug, could you go over there for a while?”
Doug runs over to where Harry pointed and Harry turned back to Jeremy.
“What was he talking about?”
“Well, you know that stage in life where small boy kittens, puppies, cubs and etc. go from being small and innocent to being not so small and innocent?”
“You mean puberty?”
“Yeah. Turns out he never went through that stage. Doesn’t even know how babies are really born. Don’t ask me why because I have no idea how he turned out that way either.”
“You don’t believe me? Well look at this. HEY DOUG!”
Doug runs back to Harry. “Yeah Harry?”
Harry takes out a giant full-length poster of some gorgeous starlet (dressed of course, what kind of person do you take me for?) and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
“Oh goody! A sandwich.” Doug completely bypasses the poster and starts eating the sandwich (and with much enthusiasm, might I add). Now, when you see someone completely uninterested in girls, this person being male, you usually think that he is well… weird. Well DOUG IS NOT ‘WEIRD’ (in that sense anyway). Think of him as the little puppy dawg that only grew up in size and never reached adulthood, or teenagerhood for that matter.
If I see anyone who says or writes that Doug is ‘weird’, I’ll-I’ll be really ticked and I’ll… write really nasty things about that person. Let the story continue.
“Hey… why are you guys here anyway?”
“Oh yeah. We heard about your ad in the newspaper about the room for rent.”
“You want to rent a room?”
“YES! Uh I mean yes Mister…”
“MacKatlitch, Jeremy MacKatlitch. Let’s discuss this in my apartment.”
Doug, Harry and Jeremy walk into his apartment. Jeremy and Harry sit down while Doug runs about the apartment.
“Okay. The rent for the room will be…”
“Hey Harry! This place has a bathtub!”
“My brother is a bit excited. Anyway about…”
“He’s also got a computer! Cool! We get to play computer games!”
“Is Doug always this…”
“Did you know that your eyes are always wide open? How do you do that?”
“May I have a moment with my brother alone?”
Harry pulls Doug over to one side of the room and starts whispering to him.
“Oh Doug! (This is a loud whisper) Do you remember what I told you about behaving in front of the guy who is going to rent us the room?”
“Uh… I can’t remember.”
“What?” (Another loud whisper)
“Do you guys need anything?”
“Oh not at all. Hey look at the helicopter out there.”
As Jeremy turns to where Harry was pointing, Harry stuffs Doug in a cupboard. When Jeremy turns around, Harry rushed up to him to continue the topic they were discussing earlier. THE ROOM FOR RENT! WILL YOU JUST PAY ATTENTION!
“Now let’s talk about the room.”
“What happened to your brother?”
“He just went out for a while. So about the rent…”
What follows this is a bunch of stuff like how much the rent is for one month, what the rules of the apartment are and some other stuff people would discuss when renting a room.
“Well then Harry. Looks like you get the room.”
“Yes, and I…”
I’d like to interrupt this story again (well the same to you Mr. Potty Mouth). Anyway you know how every week at some time or another, some weird psychotic villain tries to ransom, conquer or completely annihilate Megakat City? Well this happens to be one of those times. Doug, Harry, Jeremy and pretty much everyone else in the building hear a particularly large stomp.
“WHAT WAS THAT?”
“A particularly large stomp.”
“I know what it was, what I want to know is what…”
This particularly large stomp is followed by a particularly loud screech.
“Now WHAT WAS THAT?”
Harry opens his mouth.
“I mean what made that screech.”
“It was probably the pterodactyl that just flew past the window just now.” Doug pointed out of the window at the pterodactyl he just mentioned earlier.
Jeremy rushed to the window with his eyes opened wider than they already are. He sees the pterodactyl flying in the sky along with something else not very pleasing to the eye (Hey cool. I made a rhyme). The Pastmaster was riding on the prehistoric reptile and laughing that maniacal laugh that all evil super villains laugh when they are about to something evil and inconvenience a lot of people.
“OH KRUD! IT’S THE PASTMASTER!”
“Oh don’t worry your little Sephiroth type hairdo off.”
“This little dwarf has trying to send Megakat City back into the Dark Ages for a long time. And the Swat Kats always come along and kick his bony little tail back into the Jurassic Period. There’s NOTHING to worry about.”
“What about the fact that the Swat Kats are over at the other side of the city fighting Dark Kat.”
Doug points to the TV he just switched on. It is currently showing Kat’s Eye News with Ann Gora reporting on the exciting battle.
“That’s right viewers. The Swat Kats and Dark Kat are locked in an intense battle that could last for five hours.”
“Drat. Well Jeremy, looks like you get to worry.”
Jeremy starts panicking.
“I said you get to worry, not panic.”
“WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!”
“There is only one thing we must do Harry.”
“Move to another city?”
“No. We have to stop the Pastmaster’s diabolic plan OURSELVES!”
“I like my option better.”
“Come Harry. We must journey to the place where the Pastmaster is and DEFEAT HIM! Oh and bring Jeremy along, we might need his help.”
“Oh you don’t really need me, I’ll just get in your w-AWLK!”
“Oh, don’t be such a pansy, come along.”
“I’m not being a pansy, I’m being a survivor.”
Harry grabs Jeremy by the tail and drags him out of the apartment.
“OUCH! HEY NOT BY THE TAIL!”
Five minutes of dragging a protesting Jeremy out of the building later, Harry and Doug think about the situation for a while.
“Say Doug, do you know where the Pastmaster is now?”
“No, but that crowd of terrified pedestrians stampeding towards us might.”
A really large number of kats, dawgs, mice, badgers and various other anthropomorphic animals are running away from the Pastmaster and have not noticed Doug, Harry and Jeremy in their way. See I told you I would get to the other species. Okay, so they’re not main characters and they don’t play that big role in the story. Don’t worry, I’m going to write some stories with other animals such as badgers and raccoons as the main characters. You can count on it.
Now where was I…OH YEAH! I was planning on having our three heroes avoid being run over by the crowd by stepping aside. Unfortunately, I spent too much time telling you about the other species I am going to write about and they got flattened. Our heroes pried themselves off the sidewalk and groaned in agony.
“My back hurts. Can we go home now?”
“NO JEREMY! WE MUST JOURNEY TO THE PASTMASTER AND DEFEAT HIM! AND THERE IS NOTHING THAT WILL DETER US FROM OUR MISSION!”
“Not even that hungry blood thirsty tyrannosaurus Rex?”
A T-Rex just rounded the corner and saw three small bite-sized snacks. They’re small, but what the heck, I’m hungry. That was what it would have thought. Or at least, what it would have thought if it had the sufficient brainpower to operate a light switch.
“Don’t panic. I’ve got the situation completely under control.”
Harry pulls out a tranquilizer gun and shoots a dart at the T-Rex. It bounces of its tough hide doing zip and not helping the situation at all.
“Okay… now you can panic.”
Which they do. Now, since the T-Rex is a great deal larger than the currently fleeing trio and would probably catch up to them in a matter of seconds, it would probably be wise to come up with a better idea.
Harry, Doug and Jeremy keep running, and the T-Rex stomps closer by the second.
AHEM! I SAID ‘IT WOULD PROBABLY BE WISE TO COME UP WITH A BETTER IDEA’.
Doug screeches to a halt, ponders the problem for a while, and just when the T-Rex is about to snap its jaws on Doug, he comes up with an idea (Doug, not the T-Rex). He pulls out a giant mallet and whacks the T-Rex into dreamland.
Jeremy and Harry walk up to Doug and the dozing reptile.
“Hey look, the T-Rex has been defeated. Hooray. Let’s go home now.”
“But we haven’t found the Pastmaster yet.”
“I was hoping that you would have forgotten about it.”
“We MUST find the Pastmaster and…”
“Okay already, I know. You’ve been saying it constantly for the past twenty minutes. NOW HOW ARE WE GOING TO FIND THE PASTMASTER WHEN WE DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE HE IS?”
“We could ask him.”
Doug points to a kat hovering in mid-air. He is wearing a green cape with a green cowl. I would describe him further, if not for the fact that I already did in my second fan fiction. (It’s ‘A New Ally’. Go ahead, read it. It’s really good. To me anyway.)
Jeremy, Doug and Harry look at the Sorcerer as he floats slowly and gently to the ground in a dramatic way.
“Doug D. Dog. Your brother, garbed in the same attire as you, is Harry Furrball. And the third person in your party is Jeremy Kafka Lachlan MacKatlitch.”
“Wow! I don’t believe it.”
“Believe what? That he knew our names even though we never met him before in our lives?”
“No. That the guy we’re going to be renting a room from has the initials ‘JKLM’. Cool huh?”
“Please listen to me. There is much I have to tell you.”
“I am the Sorcerer. I have come because of the threat of the Pastmaster.”
“And YOU are going to stop him?”
“I would halt the Pastmaster’s mad plans of sending this city back into the Dark Ages…”
“YES! Now we don’t have to fight him any more. Let’s go home.”
“…If I could.”
“What do you mean? I saw you kick the Pastmaster’s tail somewhere into the past. What’s the problem?”
“When I arrived here, I saw another threat to the city.”
“Yes. A meteor hurtles towards the planet, ready to crash into the city, slaughtering hundreds. I must travel into space and destroy the meteor before it has the chance to do so. In the mean time, you three must defeat the Pastmaster in my place.”
“What do you mean three?”
“Fate has decreed that the three of you will battle the Pastmaster and emerge victorious.”
“Victorious… I like the sound of that.”
“Why do I have to be there?”
“I must leave you now…”
“There is no time to spare. I can only aid you by providing this small chest of magical items that will make your path to the Pastmaster much easier. And now I take my leave.”
The Sorcerer disappears in a flash of light. When our three heroes regain their sight, they see a small chest where the Sorcerer once was.
“Great. Just great.”
“COOL! Let’s see what we got.”
Doug opens the chest and peers inside. “Hey look! The Sorcerer left us some really neat stuff.”
Harry peers inside.
“A small gold pin, five small tin knights and a sheet of red cloth. Gee, those should help.”
“Why couldn’t he just leave us a missile launcher?”
“Hey. At least the guy left us something.”
“Can we get back to the problem at hand, like finding the Pastmaster.”
“Well… we could try looking in that tower which just appeared a minute ago.” Doug points to the tower that just appeared behind them as if by magic (Hint, hint).
“That was a stroke of extraordinarily good luck.”
“I thought that was a stroke of extraordinarily BAD luck.”
“Anyway, let’s go in.”
Doug and Harry push an unwilling Jeremy through the doors of the domineering tower.
“Do I really have to go in first?”
They walk into a large room with a flight of stairs heading up. They were about to head for the stairs when they suddenly notice that there are five statues of evil knights.
“Boy, good thing those statues didn’t come to life or we would be in big trouble.”
When Doug finished his sentence, the statues did come to life and started walking towards Doug, Harry and Jeremy with sharp and nasty-looking weapons in their hands. Harry whacked the back of Doug’s head.
“YOU HAD TO SAY IT, DIDN’T YOU?”
“I think we should do something before they disembowel us.”
“Let me try something.”
Doug pulls out a stick of dynamite and tosses it to the statues. It would have probably worked too, if Doug had lighted it. Doug hurls an anvil at one of the statues but it just bounced off. Doug pulls out a hammer and whacks another one of the statues. Lines start appearing on it and it breaks into several pieces. As Doug looks at what was left of his hammer, the statue grabs him and flings him into the wall.
“Those are very sturdy statues.”
“So I see. Looks like someone is going to have to distract those statues while we go to the Pastmaster.”
Harry walks behind Jeremy and accidentally shoved him to the statues.
“YEOW! HEY! WATCH IT! THAT HURT! EEK! OWIE! HELP! GET ME OUT OF HERE!”
“There’s our distraction now let’s go… uh-oh.”
Unfortunately, only four of the statues were pummeling on Jeremy and the fifth one was blocking their way to the stairs.
“Looks like we’re going to need a new plan.”
“We could use the tin knights the Sorcerer gave us.”
“Ha! What are THEY gonna do, hack their ankles?”
As Doug took out the five tin knights, they started to glow. Doug was surprised and dropped them onto the floor. As the five small knights touched the ground, they slowly began to grow larger and larger until they were the same size as the statues pummeling Jeremy. The statues stop and turn to face the new knights. Bad knights look at good knights, good knights look at bad knights. Both groups of knights yell a battle cry and start attacking each other.
“Well this is surprising. Let’s go Doug, and help Jeremy along.”
Doug lifts up the unconscious Jeremy and carries him up the stairs after Harry. An hour later, the trio are still climbing the stairs and are extremely exhausted.
“I am EXHAUSTED!”
“At least I carried you for the first twenty minutes.”
“Let’s stop for a while guys, it’s not like the Pastmaster is going anywhere, I hope.”
The three drop onto the floor to rest their tired feet. Doug pulls out a banana. As they were resting a Cyclops was slowly walking down the stairs sneaking towards them, which was easy since they were facing away from him. Doug ate the banana. And just as the Cyclops was about to pounce on them, Doug threw the banana peel behind him and the banana peel landed just when the Cyclops was about to put its foot down. The Cyclops slipped and fell out a window.
“Did you guys hear something?”
“I think we’ve rested enough let’s go.”
Soon, they reach a large door. Harry tries to pull open the door but couldn’t. Doug tries to open the door too, he couldn’t do it as well.
“It must be locked.”
“We’ll ram it down. Let’s move back a bit to get a running start.”
Doug and Harry walk down the stairs and Jeremy decides to take a look at the door himself.
“Okay Doug, LET’S GO!”
“Hey guys this door opens…”
Doug and Harry run towards and through the now open door.
As Doug and Harry pick themselves up, they see the Pastmaster laughing.
“HA, HA, HA, HA! Now Swat Kats, YOU SHALL MEET YOUR DOOM!”
“Uh… Mr. Pastmaster…”
“I WILL CRUSH YOU LIKE THE INSECTS YOU ARE!”
“AND THEN I’LL… you’re not the Swat Kats.”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you. I’m Harry, this is Doug and the kat with really big eyes is Jeremy.”
“Gee, you look shorter in person.”
“NO MATTER! I WILL NOW DESTROY YOU FOR TRESPASSING IN MY TOWER!”
The Pastmaster casts a spell and a giant golem three times the size of Harry (which is very big) and starts stomping towards the trio, ready to stomp them into icky puddles of goo.
This would be the kind of thing that makes a lot of people nervous, including Harry, Doug and Jeremy.
“WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?”
Doug fumbles through his pockets and finds the pin the sorcerer gave him. Seeing nothing else to do, he tossed it at the golem. The pin pierced the golem’s tough hide and caused it to crumble into a pile of rubble (Don’t ask me why, it’s magic). Our three friends look at the pile of rubble.
“Wow. That was surprisingly easy.”
“HA! WAS THAT THE BEST YOU GOT PASTMASTER?”
“YEAH! WE DARE YOU TO TRY THAT AGAIN!”
The Pastmaster does try it again and another golem twice as big as the first (that’s six times the size of Harry).
“Uh… Doug, do you have any more of those tiny pins to toss at it?”
Doug shakes his head.
“I didn’t think so.”
“WHY did you guys have to OPEN YOUR BIG MOUTHS!”
“Let’s just concentrate on running shall we Jeremy?”
The golem chases Jeremy, Doug and Harry around the room. Five minutes later, the golem is still chasing the trio around the room. Another five minutes later, the golem is still doing the same thing it was doing five minutes ago. I would have them do something, but I haven’t come up with something funny enough to make them do.
“Has Chris come up with an idea yet?”
“Who the heck is Chris?”
“No one you would know.”
“Hey how about we just do something ourselves?”
“Go ahead, be my guest.”
Doug screeches to a halt and faces the lumbering golem. With every thundering step, the golem stomps closer to making Doug into really flat roadkill. But just as the golem is about to bring its gigantic foot down on Doug’s unprotected cranium, Doug steps to one side and dodges the foot. The golem’s foot goes through the floor and five seconds later the rest of its body goes with it.
“There, that’s taken care of him.”
“But what about the malevolent spell casting undead dwarf magician kat?”
The Pastmaster is casting a spell that will most probably send Megakat City back into the Dark Ages.
“HA, HA, HA, HA! YOU IMPUDENT FOOLS!”
“He called us ‘impudent’! I don’t like it when someone calls us ‘impudent’! Uh… Harry, what’s ‘impudent’?”
“THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO! I WILL SEND MEGAKAT CITY BACK INTO THE DARK AGES…”
“He does go on about that, doesn’t he?”
“…AND TAKE THE FAIR CALLIE BRIGGS AS MY BRIDE!”
“YOU? MARRY CALLIE BRIGGS?”
The three stars of this fan fiction drop to the ground laughing their guts out.
“Hold on guys, I just realized a horrendous fact!”
Harry grabs Jeremy and whispers into his ear. Once he has heard everything he steps back in horror.
“HOLY COW! YOU MEAN SHE, AND HIM, TOGETHER! DOING ‘THAT’?”
“Hold on I think I need to go and puke somewhere.”
“I don’t get it. What’s so icky?”
Jeremy and Harry go off into a corner to lose their lunch while Doug stands around mystified. Once Harry is finished, he confronts the Pastmaster.
“PASTMASTER! I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO COMPLETE YOUR FIENDISH SPELL THAT WILL ALLOW YOU TO COMPLETE YOUR FIENDISH PLAN! EVEN IF YOU SUMMON A HORDE OF SCREAMING DEMONS FROM THE PITS OF HECK, I WILL STOP YOU!”
The Pastmaster summons a horde of screaming demons from the pits of heck.
Doug, Harry and Jeremy are now locked in deadly combat with the Pastmaster’s demonic horde. After five minutes of pulverizing later, a stray punch knocks Jeremy across the room and he slides down the wall we crashed into and in a lot of pain too might I add. Once he regains consciousness, he realizes that he is just behind the Pastmaster who is too engrossed in his spell casting too notice Jeremy. Now people, this is an intense moment. WILL JEREMY OVERCOME HIS PAIN AND STOP THE PASTMASTER? WILL MEGAKAT CITY BE SENT BACK INTO THE DARK AGES? Who are the stinkers betting on the Pastmaster?
Harry sees Jeremy behind the Pastmaster.
“Jeremy! Quick! Grab his watch!”
“I’m in pain.”
“Stop whining and get his watch!”
“It hurts when I blink.”
“If you don’t, Megakat City will be sent back into the Dark Ages!”
“I can’t feel my legs.”
“Mass destruction will occur!”
“I can see the light.”
“Uh… computers will no longer exist?”
Jeremy leaps to his feet, grabs the watch out of the Pastmaster’s claw, creates a portal to a random time-zone, kicks the Pastmaster through the portal, closes the portal, hurls the watch onto the ground and stomps on it until it becomes junk. And then he passes out again.
Now since the Pastmaster brought the demons here with his magic, and now that he isn’t here right now, the demons returned to the pits of heck.
Doug and Harry dusted themselves off.
“Hey Harry, want to hear some good news?”
“I already know! The demons are gone and so is the Pastmaster along with his nasty spell! ALL RIGHT!”
“Oh. Then you probably know about the bad news too.”
“What bad news?”
“Since this tower we’re in was created by the Pastmaster’s magic, and now that we have defeated him and sent him to another time zone, the tower is starting to collapse with us inside it.”
It takes about five seconds for the information to reach Harry’s brain. Three, two, one…
“WE’VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE!”
“Did I tell you about the fact that the stairs collapsed too?”
“Hey look. That sheet of red cloth must have fallen out of my pocket.”
“Wonderful. The tower is about to fall to the ground with us in it and you’re worried about cloth.”
“Hey look there’s a picture forming on it.”
“Of what? Us wandering around on the streets homeless?”
“No it’s a picture of the place where we met the sorcerer. Hey it’s so realistic that I can even pick up one of the pebbles there.”
Give Harry another five seconds for him to piece the information together. Three, two, one…
He lifts Jeremy off the ground and throws him through the portal the red cloth has formed. He then pushes Doug through the portal and jumps through it himself. I bet some of you guys are wondering what happened to the Pastmaster, well let’s take a peek at where and when he landed.
The Pastmaster falls out of the portal and finds himself somewhere in a desert.
“Those fools, I will soon return to Megakat City and I WILL…”
A meteor fragment lands on Pastmaster. Don’t you just love it when a large and heavy object squashes the villain, hmmm?
Anyway back to Doug, Harry and unconscious Jeremy. The trio find themselves back at the place where they first met the Sorcerer. Well Doug and Harry did, Jeremy was just lying there unconscious.
And from out of nowhere, the Sorcerer appeared. He traced a symbol in the air with his left paw. The red cloth that acted as a portal for the three heroes of this fan fiction flew towards the Sorcerer’s open paw. And somewhere in the remains of the tower, the five tin knights and the small gold pin flew out of the rubble and flew towards the Sorcerer’s paw as well. He lifted his right paw and made a gesture. A small chest then appeared and the seven objects flew into it. The small chest then closed its cover and exploded into a cloud of glittering gold dust. Dramatic, isn’t he?
He then turned around to face Doug and Harry. “Congratulations. You have defeated the Pastmaster and Megakat City is safe once more. I thank you for your much needed help.”
“Awwww. It was nothing.”
“Hey what about that meteorite you were talking about. Did you blast it into smithereens? Or are we going to have to move to another city?”
“You have no reason to fear. I encountered the meteorite when I charged into the vast space. I destroyed it and all the fragments hurtled off into different directions save one. It took me a great deal of energy to shatter the meteorite and I was extremely weakened. I could only send the fragment to a desert where I hope that few, if not none would be harmed by the impact.”
Can anyone guess what happened to the fragment?
“Hey that’s great.”
“And as I traveled here to meet you and see how you have fared in your battle, I have caught wind of the news that the Swat Kats are victorious in their battle as well.”
“I see that your friend is unconscious.”
“Oh don’t worry about him, we’ll take good care of him.”
“Then I shall take my leave. Remember that should you ever require my assistance, you need only seek me out. So says the Sorcerer.”
He then makes a particularly dramatic exit, you know, with all the colored smoke, lightning bolts, flashes of light, all that stuff. This is the kind of exit that just makes you want to wait there for him to come back so that you could watch him make that exit again. Okay, it sounds stupid, but you haven’t seen one of his exits. So have I for that matter. Enough of my chatter back to the fan fiction.
Doug and Harry stand there for a while.
“WOW! Now THAT was an exit.”
“I have to learn how he does that sometime, do you think he does it with mirrors?”
“Say Harry, why didn’t you let the Sorcerer bring Jeremy out of unconsciousness?”
“Oh I didn’t want to trouble the guy. You heard what he said, he has to be exhausted.”
“Are you planning something sneaky Harry?”
“ME? Would I do something like that?”
Fifteen minutes and some frantic searching later.
“Harry, why are you trying to copy Jeremy’s signature onto that piece of paper declaring that he let us rent the room?”
“Quiet. I’m trying to concentrate.”
Harry and Doug turn around to see that Jeremy has regained consciousness.
“Oh look Jeremy’s awake.”
“Uh… this isn’t what it looks like.”
“Are you angry at us for dragging you unwillingly to the tower?”
“Are you angry at us for getting you beaten up?”
“This doesn’t look very good for us now is it?”
“Are you happy at not having had your apartment turned into a thatched hut or something if the Pastmaster had cast his spell?”
“… Yes, you could say that.”
“And are you happy that it was you along with us who stopped the Pastmaster?”
“Hmmm. Hey… you’re right. We did stop the Pastmaster didn’t we.”
“That’s right, the city should be thanking us right now.”
“But no one knows that we did.”
“Well we know, don’t we?”
“Anyway, we have the glory of saving the city. Besides, wasn’t it fun kicking the Pastmaster’s tail through that portal.”
“It was kinda fun.”
“Do we get the room?”
“That, I’ll have to think about for a while.”
“PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE!!!”
“WE NEED A ROOF TO SLEEP UNDER! SOMEWHERE TO CALL HOME! SOMEWHERE WE CAN EAT IN PEACE WITHOUT HAVING SNOOTY WAITERS LOOKING OVER OUR SHOULDERS! SOMEWHERE WE CAN…”
“Okay, the room is yours.”
“… SHED ALL WE WANT WITHOUT PEOPLE LOOKING WEIRD AT US! SOMEWHERE WE CAN ROLL ABOUT ON THE FLOOR WITHOUT PEOPLE CALLING THE FUNNY FARM! SOMEWHERE WE… what did you say?”
“You can rent the room. I don’t know why, but I just feel compelled to. I…”
“THANK YOU! OH THANK YOU!”
Harry drops to the ground and starts kissing Jeremy’s feet.
“EWWW! Would you stop that!”
Harry stands up.
“Anyway, I could do with the extra cash. Besides you’re the only ones who answered my ad.”
“So this means we can stay?”
“Yes it does.”
“Let’s sit down now, we’ll have to discuss the price and the rules.”
“There are rules?”
“We have to pay?”
“This could take some time.”
Okay, Jeremy discusses with Harry and Doug. Actually he is just talking with Harry; Doug is busy celebrating and tossing confetti about. I’ll spare you the details. The rent has been confirmed and Doug and Harry get the room. Doug and Harry are happy, Jeremy is happy (for the time being), Megakat city is happy, the Sorcerer is happy, the Pastmaster is under a fragment of meteorite, and tED tURNER is in a body cast.
Oops, nearly forgot. Here’s a word for the dude who created Jeremy Kafka Lachlan MacKatlitch:
Hey Nick, if there is anything that you would like to change in this fan fiction, go ahead and tell me about it. After all, it’s your character I’m using. Mind you, I can only edit this fan fiction once. It wouldn’t be nice if I kept sending DJ Clawson, the wonderful woman who keeps the Swat Kats Fan Fiction Archive running, the same story over and over and over because of one lousy correction. So if you have any changes you would like me to make to this fan fiction, please tell me all of them before I edit the story and send it to DJ. There, I’m done.
This is it, the end, hope you’ve liked the fan fiction, watch out for my next fan fiction, I’ll miss you guys. Bye.
(Until the next adventure Doug and Harry have that is)
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Disclaimer: SWAT Kats: The Radical Squadron is copyright to Hanna-Barbera Cartoons Inc. All Rights Reserved. © 1995. All other characters and material within this page are the property of their respective creators.