Original SWAT Kats Story

Not-So-Divine Comedy

By Calvin Wong

  • 1 Chapter
  • 1,601 Words

Jake and Chance have a Christmas party, and Jake gets a seemingly-uncurable illness.

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Author's Notes:

Entry in a boy’s E-mail adress book,

To type, or not to type, that is the.. Oh, hi! Merry Christmas, although I know that by the time YOU read this, it will be too late, I started typing at 1.48 p.m. on Christmas Day. I am in Malaysia, and LIVE here for all you curious out there. No, I did not emigrate, I’ve lived here all my life. In fact, I’ve never even LEFT here all my life. Yes, I have not been overseas, unless you consider Singapore overseas from a Malaysian point of view. Don’t know where Malaysia is? SHAME ON YOU! Don’t you know that Malaysia is the largest producer of rubber, tin, and, at one time, PETROLEUM in the world? It is (for all you ignorant people out there) located in south-east Asia. When you look at a map of the world, you can see it jutting out from underneath Thailand and just a little south-west of Vietnam.

For all of you who have read my previous stories, you probably noticed that they are dramatic and have a lot of action. Too much actually. So I’ve decided to type something different this time. Buckle your seat belt, grab a two-ton box of popcorn (buttered preferably), strap on a BPV and your crash helmet, scuba equipment and gun, sit back, put your feet on the computer-table, get your keyboard/mouse ready, and here we go!


If you don’t send the invitations, no one will come.‘-Calvin Wong

Jake sat at his computer, typing and printing out invitation cards to the Christmas party they were having at the salvage yard.

Congratulations _____________________ You have been invited to a Christmas party at the Megakat Salvage and Auto Yard
Date: 25/12/97
Time:1.00 a.m.
Activities: Bonk the baddie, Nuke-the-guy-who-got-in-your-way-last-decade-for-fun, Crash the Turbokat, Fry the fish flambe, Q&A on any topic, and many others.

Cc: Commander Feral, Lt. F. Feral, Lt. S. Higgins, Chance Furlong, Jake Clawson, Ariel K. Clawson, Kristina Clawson, Kate Clawson, Evette Clawson, Elizabeth Clawson,(Jake’s mother) Razor, T-bone, Callie Briggs, Mayor Manx, Dr. Viper, Dark Kat, Mac Mange, Molly Mange, Madkat, Some cute kat that Chance met last night.

Jake finished the last set of cards and put them in their respective envelopes. He out the stamps on and was about to mail them when he had a doubt.

Quickly he ripped open the envelopes, flipped the cards onto a scanner, scanned them in, and then threw them into the dustbin. Then he E-mailed the invitations to each recipient.

He had a doubt. Canceling the E-mails, he re-printed the invitation cards, replaced them into envelopes, put stamps on them and was about to mail them when he had a doubt. Sighing, he tore up the cards and picked up the phone.

Suddenly he had a doubt. (Repeat above steps twice.)


Be happy, or else!‘-Andrew Matthews

Everyone had arrived, and the eggnog was flowing. Kristina and Sami didn’t mind the work, but the fact that they only produced two gallons a minute was not satisfying.

‘Everyone in Megakat City must be here tonight’ Sami got some more eggs from the ever-so-useful magic chicken that Jake had gotten for her this Christmas.

‘Actually, they are.’ Kristina pointed out.

Meanwhile, in the living room, a shooting competition was going on with paintball guns and the bad guys as the targets, (well, actually, with one good guy, unless you consider Commander Feral a bad guy) Jake didn’t abide by the rules (then again, who does) and had used a paintball revolver instead of the standard gun that everyone else used. Apart from the paintball semi-automatic, the paintball machine gun, the paintball uzi, the paintball shotgun, the paintball M-16, the paintball grenade, the paintball bazooka, the paintball homing missile and the paintball A-bomb, Jake’s weapon was the only one off-regulation. But no one killed him for it, at least not yet.

Needless to say, the competition was a blast, and I do mean, a blast!


All good things must come to an end‘-Some dead guy.

The party ended with a special appearance of the Swatkats, though everyone got suspicious when Jake and Chance left the room and the Swatkats came in only moments later. However, it was all forgotten when T-bone and Razor showed everyone how their glovatrixes worked, mainly because T-bone accidentally launched a mini-thermonuclear charge and blew everyone else away.

A few survived, Dr. Viper, and the rest of the villains composing of most of them. (how is it the bad guys always live through). So everyone went home to get ready for the Annual October fest next week. (Take a hint)


There is one good thing about becoming sick. The guarantee that, eventually, you shall become well again!‘-Moi!

Jake had a major problem. Big time. He was coming down with the, no, it’s unspeakable, to even think it would jinx every single kat on this planet. Chance took him to many doctors, all failed to cure him of this terrible thing called the, *gasp* what am I saying? It’s too horrible to tell, to say it would cause great agony and pain. It was the much dreaded condition, that ALL of us have had before, yes, ALL. We have all experienced this thing called, the forbidden-to-say, *gasp* hiccups!

‘I ‘hic’ think that ‘hic’ we should ‘hic’ find a way to ‘hic’ cure these ‘hic’ ‘hic’ hiccups of ‘hic’ mine.’

‘You’re telling me. Got any suggestions?’

‘Hic’ ‘Scare me.’

‘Ooookay, lemme think.’ Chance sits (or stands) deeply in thought. Suddenly he snaps his fingers. ‘Alright, listen up. This oughta scare anybody.’

‘I really ‘hic’ hope ‘hic’ so.’

‘We’ve destroyed our rainforests to nearly nothing, almost every body of water on this planet is polluted, we’ve burned a hole in the ozone layer the size of the Pacific Ocean, and to top it all off, radiation poisoning is killing us off slowly but surely.’

‘I mean, ‘hic’ surprise me.’

‘That doesn’t scare you? Boy, you are cynical, Jake.’


No matter how bitter, no matter how painful, no matter how revolting the cure is, the disease is always ten times worse.‘-Calvin Wong, Ph.D. M.D. Dea.D.

‘Try drinking lots of water.’

‘How ‘hic’ much?’

‘I’d say, by the looks of those hiccups, about fifty gallons should be enough.’

‘Yeah, ‘hic’ great. ‘Hic’ just great.’ Jake was sarcastic even to the last.

‘Here, this should be alright.’ Chance came in carrying a hose.

‘Where did ‘hic’ you get ‘hic’ this ‘hic’ hose?’

‘Megakat City Fire Department. They sent a fire-truck over. Do you want it with or without foam? With is a thousand bucks, without is nine-hundred and ninety-nine dollars and ninety-nine cents.’

‘Without, ‘hic’ thank you very much.’

Two hours and fifty-two thousand gallons later….

‘I ‘hic’ seriously ‘hic’ think that ‘hic’ I’ve ‘hic’, had enough.’

‘Come on Jake, just a couple gallons more.’

‘I mean ‘hic’ it Chance.’

‘Hey, did you see the paper? It says ‘Megakat city as dry as a bone due to unknown causes. The Enforcers are currently looking into the problem.’

‘That’s ‘hic’ just ‘hic’ great.’

‘How ’bout eating lots of sugar?’


All diseases will indefinitely have either of two endings. It could go away, or, it could kill you.‘-Someone who wishes to remain anonymous.

Jake woke up the next morning to find himself cured of the dreaded hiccups. Racing into the hallway, he screamed, ‘I’m cured, I’m cured, I’m cured!’

Suddenly Chance jumped him from behind, causing him to fall to the floor.

‘Did I cure you?’

‘Hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic, hic,…….’ was Jake’s only response.


David Litterbin’s top ten reasons why I took a job as a comedian.

10. I’m funny (duh!)
9. The wages go from here to Alpha Centauri.
8. All the crazy, famous, infamous and ‘interesting’ people I meet.
7. MBC was at my feet, begging me to take over Jim Karry, so how could I turn down a promise of fame and fortune? (Not to mention all the cute she-kats I see on this show.)
6. The great pickup line, ‘Hey, ya’ know, I could get you rich and famous on my TV show.’
5. I get to heckle, distract, put down, insult and humiliate people in front of the whole world, and I don’t get fired!
4. The fact that the director swore that this job would give me a future as bright as the north star, and a pocket that bulges like a full bean bag.
3. No clown suit.
2. I can fix my own appointments.
1. What else, the satisfaction of seeing other comedians fall before my very existence, due mostly to the fact that once I collect my paycheck, there isn’t any left for them!


Well, sad to say, I’m on my way, Won’t be back for many a text doc, My heart is down, my head is rolling around, I have to leave this little place called DJ Clawson’s Fanfic Archive….

Oh, hi! I didn’t see you there. So, as they say all good, or bad, things must come to an inevitable, mot to mention painful, end. Thank you Nick Ball, for inspiring this ‘comedy’ of mine. Also to Jade F. Callan for her inspiration of characters and *ahem* ‘situations.’ Alf, for my borrowing of Marcus Greene, DJ Clawson, for my borrowing of her disk space, Don Redmond for deeper insight into some of the more ‘leisurely’ moments of Enforcer lives. And to tED tURNER, no thanks for you, you pathetic little




Comments? Suggestions? E-mail me at: globemanet@ppp.nasionet.net

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