Original SWAT Kats Story

Of Brains and Buffoons

By Bill Hiers

  • 2 Chapters
  • 5,307 Words

A tale of a big bloodsucking monster.

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Chapter 2

After abandoning the TurboKat in hopes of tracking Dr. Viper and his Leech monster on foot , our heroes make a ghastly discovery and some not-so-fresh dead guys. Now , it turns out Viper is following THEM , in hopes of destroying his failed mutant creation.

Razor followed the tracks down the hill , T-bone right behind him. It had been about 5 minutes since they’d found the trail. And so , far , there was no giant brainsucking leech critter to be seen.After about another 5 minutes , the tracks disappeared into MegaKat National Forest. Razor stopped to catch his breath.

“Well,” said T-bone, running up,  “looks like our big bug has taken the scenic route.”

“Looks that way,” added Razor.

“Well, let’s go,” said T-bone  and headed into the woods.

“Why me?” asked Razor of nobody in particular.

As the vanished into the dark forest, a sinister figure emerged from the bushes just in time to see them go in.

“Sssssssso,” hissed Dr. Viper, “it’ssssss hiding in the woodsssss.” Viper gave his Supersoaker watergun a pat on the barrel and slithered in after the Swat Kats.

After about ten miles, the forest got dark and muddy. More than once, T-bone slipped and fell into the mud. Sure, it was gross, but being a superhero is a dirty job. Another 2 miles and they came to the base of the ever gloriful MegaKrag Mountain.

Razor looked up through his binoculars. About 30 feet above them was a cave entrance, which hung over a small cliff.

“Looks like the place,” said Razor.

“You can say that again,” commented T-bone.

“Looks like the…”

“Razor, shut up.”

A rustling in the brush to their left made them spin around. A familiar snake/kat mutant dashed out, a water gun in hand. He hadn’t seen them yet and was babbling to himself.

“Aha!” he snarled, stooping down to inspect the tracks.  “It endsssss right here!”

“Ahem,” coughed T-bone.

“Blesssss you,” said Viper, still unaware of their presence.

“Thank you.”

“Hey,” hissed the doctor.  “Wait a ssssseco…….”

He was cut off abruptly by a loud shout from Razor

“Net deployed!” he cried , firing his Glovatrix “AAAAAAAAAAAAH!” shrieked Viper as the net hit him square in the chest. In a matter of seconds , he was all wrapped up and ready to go……..back to the mental hospital , that is.

“Let me out of thisssss thing at once!” ordered Viper.

“I think not” said T-bone.

Viper struggled and grunted.

T-bone clamped a hand over his mouth, a finger to his lips  “Shhhhhhhh!” he warned ” Be vewy , vewy quiet! We’re huntin’ wabbits!” He yanked Viper up to eye level.  “Ok , lizard-lips! Start talkin’!” he ordered. “What are you doing here?”

“Sssssssssame assssss you!” answered the tied up bad guy.

“Lemme guess,” interrupted Razor.  “You’re really mad at this big bug cause he ate your brain and now you’re gonna shoot him with a water gun, right?”

Viper looked puzzled. “How did you know!?” he demanded.

“Saw it on Jerry Springer,” answered Razor.

T-bone set Viper down and picked up the water gun.

“Man, no wonder half of MegaKat City’s doctors want you back in the loony bin,” he said.

“What’s in there , anyway?” asked Razor.

“Lye,” said Viper.

“Ahso! You’re gonna lie to us, now?”

Viper was furious. “No no no no!” he hissed madly.  “Lye! l-y-e! You know, the stuff that killsssss leechsssss?”

“Ooooooooh,” said the good guys in unison.

They turned their gaze up to the cave in the cliffs.

“What say we take snake eyes back to Looball central , then come back and use the TurboKat to get up there?” asked Razor.

“Nah , too time consuming” said T-bone.  “Besides, now we have someone who knows all about that big bug.”

Both turned to Viper, who looked from one kat to the other.

“Why isssss everyone ssstaring at me?” he said insecurely.

T-bone hoisted himself up onto the cliff edge. It was a long and hard climb. Down below, Razor and a very upset Dr. Viper waited.

“Ok!” shouted T-bone. ” Toss up the cargo!”

“Will do!” Razor shouted.

“Uh-oh” said Viper.

With that, Razor hurled Viper up into the air.

“AAAAAAAAAAAAH!” cried the airborne bad guy.

T-bone reached out and grabbed Viper’s arms as he started to fall again.

“For Kats’ssssss ssssake , don’t drop me!” screamed Viper.

“Shut up, I ain’t gonna drop ya.  Not right now, any way”

“I heard that.”

Razor grabbed hold of Viper’s tail and used it as a rope.

“Ouch! Oh! EEE! Ah!” said Viper as Razor climbed over him.


After the insane climb was over, the 3 kats stood at the mouth of the huge cave.

“Oooooooooooo!  Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” they said in unison

They ventured into the dark, dank, and smelly cave.

Finally, they found what they were looking for. In the back of the cave, slime dripped from the walls and stalactites. Some kat skeletons lay in a carpet on the floor. T-bone and Razor held their noses. Viper was used to this smell. As they ventured further in, they were suddenly aware of weak voices.

“Hey,” said one.  “Help us!”

“Please do something,” said another.

The 3 kats turned and saw 2 other kats hanging upside down from the cave ceiling.

“It’s the other missing phoneline repairemen!” declared Razor.

“Forget them,” snarled Viper.  “Where’ssss the beasssst!?”

“It left,” said one repairman.

Suddenly, there was an all too familiar slurping sound. Razor looked around a corner.  Sure enough, at the cave’s entrance, the giant, brain-sucking leech was crawling up onto the cliff.

“It’s bug boy!” he shouted.  “Hide!”

Everyone hid.

The monster slithered into the chamber and went straight for the 2 upside down repairmen.

“Mommy!” cried one of them.

“Hey , ugly!” shouted T-bone, who jumped out hiding.

The monster turned around.

“That’s right! I’m talkin’ to YOU, bucko!”

“Rraaaaaaaaawwwwwwwrrrrr!!!” it roared.

It wrapped a tentacle around T-bone and tried again to strangle him. Razor aimed Viper’s Lye gun at the leech, but a tentacle knocked it from his hands. T-bone, meanwhile, bit the tentacle that held him.

The leech roared angrily and dropped his captive.

“Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahoooof!” said T-bone as he hit the ground.

Razor was busy cutting the “webby” stuff that held the 2 other kats hostage. In seconds, they were scott free. Upon Razor’s insistance , they ran from the cave.

Though the Swat Kats fought bravely, the leech was prepared for their little tricks. Soon, he had both heroes wrapped in his tentacles.

“Looks like this it, buddy,” choked T-bone.

“Nice knowin’ ya, pal,” replied Razor.

“Not ssssssssso fassssssst!” hissed an angry voice.

Dr. Viper stood in front of the leech, water gun aimed at it.

“Ssssssssso long , ssssssssssssucker!” he hissed. He then pulled the trigger. A gallon of lye shot out and hit the leech in the face , killing it instantly. It dropped the Swat Kats and fell over, melting slowly into a puddle of green slime.

“Yuck,” said Razor.

“Agreed,” agreed T-bone.

Suddenly, Viper pointed the gun at them.  “No one move!” he ordered.  “Lye can kill a kat assssssss well asssssss a leech!”

He pulled the trigger.  One measly little drop of lye dripped out. Viper went into a rage and threw the gun on the ground, then stomped on it repeatedly.

“What say we shut him up?” said Razor

Both kats walked up and simultaneously punched Viper in the face. He fell over in a crumpled heap.

After handing Dr. Viper over to the mental hospital attendants and getting him a nice, clean straitjacket as a welcome back present, the Swat Kats returned home and once again became Jake and Chance.

“I’ll never forget today!” said Chance.

“Neither will I,” said Jake , turning on the TV.

“This is Ann Gora with Katseye News,” began the reporter.  “Today was yet another triumph for the Swat Kats. The giant brain-eating monster was obliterated, and the insidious Dr. Viper was returned to the psychiatric ward at MegaKat City Hospital.”

Meanwhile , at the psychiatric ward’s activity room:

“This has been Ann Gora, with Katseye News, stay tuned for …..”

She was cut off by a TV tray hitting the TV.  All the other patients looked over at a very disgruntled Dr. Viper , who had thrown the tray.

“Blassssssst! I hate Katsssseys Newssssss!” he grumbled and leaned back on the couch.  “Sssssssssoon I will essscape this dump and have my revenge!” he plotted evilly.

An attendant standing nearby by gave Viper a strange look, then decided it was tidy up time. He went around picking up board game pieces and such. When he reached for a well worn teddy bear, however, Dr. Viper swatted his hand back. He grabbed the bear and gave it a tight hug.

“Keep your filthy pawsssss off my Ssssssnooky!” he said, hugging the bear again



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