Original SWAT Kats Story

Happy Birthday Dark Kat

By Bill Hiers

  • 1 Chapter
  • 2,196 Words

(Unfinished) The team of SWAT KAT villains plan a birthday party for their favorite megalomaniac.

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PROLOGUE

Dark Kat sat in a huge, dimly lit room. He was sitting at a conference table.  A huge fan with a light behind it was sitting behind him and blowing slowly.  A creepling was perched on his shoulder.  However, he was not alone.  At the table were seated 4 of MegaKat City’s most notorious criminals: The Pastmaster, Mac and Molly Mange, and Rex Shard. Dark Kat leaned forward and addressed his fellow members of the MOST WANTED LIST.

“Fellow evildoers,” he said in his booming, unearthly voice.  “While our good friend Dr. Viper is out running an errand, let us get down to business!”

“Ya dragged us outta our hideouts and all the way into da sewer!” grumbled Molly.  “Dis betta be good!”

“Oh, believe, Miss Mange, it is very, very good” said the head villain.

Molly opened her mechanical mouth to shout again, but was cut off by a loud knock at the chamber door.

“Enter!” Dark Kat beckoned.

The massive double doors creaked open and in slithered Dr. Viper, a small metal strongbox tucked under his arm.

“Well, well, well!” exclaimed the Pastmaster.  “Look who’s doing Dark Kat’s dirty work!”

Viper ignored their laughter and handed the box to Dark Kat.

“Thank you, doctor” said the bad kat.

Using his claws, Dark Kat tore the strongbox lid off. From the box he produced 3 sealed envelopes. These he handed to Viper, who passed one to Shard, one to Pastmaster, and one between the Metallikats.

“What is this?” asked Shard, examining his envelope.

“They had better not be microbombs!” warned Pastmaster.

“No, no, my dear Pastmaster!” said Dark Kat. “They are invitations to a birthday party I’ll be throwing this coming Saturday.”

“So, whose da birthday schmuck, er boy?” asked Molly.

“Why, me of course!” said Dark Kat, pointing to himself.

Suddenly, all the villains burst into laughter.  All, that is, except Viper , who knew better.

“Us, go to your party?” giggled Pastmaster.  “Are you insane!?”

“I hate parties,” said Shard.  “Somebody always makes me mad and then they die.”

“Ah, but my dear Shard, this will not be just MY party, but yours as well.”

“Say again?” asked Mac.

“The party will held on my private airship, and the main attraction will be Mayor Manx and Deputy Mayor Briggs!” announced Dark Kat.

“But, what about the SWAT Kats?” asked Pastmaster.

“They will be, shall we say, pre-ocuppied at the time.”   He looked over at Viper, who stood up straight and clicked his heels in a makeshift salute.

“Why should we believe you?” ventured Shard.

“BECAUSE I’M THE BOSS AND YOU ARE NOT!!!!!!!!!” he bellowed so loud Shard cracked a bit.

“Ok , ok,” said Mac.  “Don’t go pitchin a hissy fit. We’ll be der!”

With that, the 4 ‘guests’ left, leaving Viper and Dark Kat alone to discuss whatever plan they could come up with.

“How do we capture the mayor and deputy mayor!?” he asked.

“Well , I could whip up a batch of sssssslime creaturessss to keep the SSSSSWAT Katsssss busssy while you kidnap Manx and Briggs.”

“I have a better idea,” said Dark Kat.  “Why don’t you whip up a batch of monsters to keep the SWAT Kats occupied while I kidnap Manx and Briggs!”

“Now, why didn’t I think of that?” asked a puzzled Dr. Viper.


The little, blue furred kat walked cautiously through the black halls of the haunted house. As he rounded a corner, a big blue monster attacked him and whacked him with a mallet.

“Hahhahahhahaa!” laughed Chance, who was watching TV.

Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Jake suited up for his most dangerous mission yet… COOKING DINNER! He wore a pink apron that had “KISS THE COOK” written on it and a cookbook in his hand.

“Jake!” called Chance. “Dinner ready yet?”

“Uuuuuuuh, sorta.”

Jake looked down at the mess on the counter. The mixing bowl was overflowing with dough thanks to too much yeast.

“Say, Chance,” called Jake.  “You wanna get takeout instead?”

“Why? I thought you were a ‘master chef’!”

Jake searched for an excuse.  “The, uh, cookbook is outdated!” he said.

“Outdated?” came the reply.  “For cripe’s sake I bought it yesterday!”

Thus, the 2 mild mannered mechanics, who were in reality MegaKat City’s most benevolent superheroes, went out for dinner!


The lid of a kathole opened in the middle of the street. Mac Mange popped his robotic head out and looked around for oncoming cars.

“Is it safe yet?” came Molly’s voice from below him.

“I don’t see nuthin’,” came the reply.  “I’m guessin’ it’s safe.”

“Don’t guess; find out!”

With that, Mac popped the lid of the kathole again and looked around. Nothing coming in front of him, but what about……

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!” he yelled when he turned around just in time to see a speeding car about 4 feet away from him. The vehicle ran right over him, knocking his head from his shoulders.

Jake brought the new car to a stop. What had he hit?

“Darn speed bumps!” he said angrily.

“Never knew they made metal speed bumps,” said Chance.

Both kats turned around to see…  The Metallikats?

Molly was hauling Mac’s headless body out of the kathole. She slammed his head back on his shoulders and began to screw it on again.

“Ma always said you was da moron in da family!” she grumbled.

“Look who’s talkin’! My head is backwards!” growled Mac.

Finally, Mac’s head was set straight, and the 2 robots walked off in the opposite direction.

“C’mon , let’s go steal somethin’ fer Dark Kat’s party!” said Mac.

In the car, Jake and Chance were dumbfounded.

“That didn’t look good!” said Jake.

“Why…  do I not want to believe you?”


When Jake and Chance drove up to the local pizza parlor, they realized that it was not open for business.

“Holy Kats!’ exclaimed Chance.  “What’s THAT?”

Jake had no answer. All they saw was a crowd of running,  screaming people… and a 30 ft tall slice of pizza!

The giant pizza monster was, basically, a really, really, REALLY big slice of pizza with arms, legs, and mouth to boot!

“Uh, are we still in Kansas?” asked Jake.

“I hope so.”

They then noticed that only one kat wasn’t running in terror…  Dr. Viper.  He sat at a patio dining table, a plate of anchovy pizza in front of him. As he ate the pizza and watched his monster wreck the place, he looked like someone at a movie theater.

“Yesssssss!  :chomp: Eat my pet  :gulp:  EAT!” he said in between bites of pizza. “Burp!”

“First the Metallikats, now Dr. Viper!?” said Chance.

“Well, nobody ruins a pizza parlor on MY shift!” growled Jake as he stepped out of the car.

Chance grabbed his sleeve.  “You moron! We are not the heroes right now!”

“Oh, right,” said Jake.

The pizza monster stomped closer and closer towards Jake and Chance.

“Uh, Chance,” said Jake, looking up.

“What?” asked his friend, who was still in the car.

“RUN!”

“Run?” said Chance, who looked up and saw the monster.  “Oh, right! RUN!”

Jake ran, while Chance struggled to start the car. The motor turned over once, twice, then died.

“Man, this ALWAYS happens during these critical moments!” he said and leapt from the car just as the monster’s giant, cheesy foot came down upon the brand new Buick.

Viper looked at his wristwatch. It was 8:00 at night, and still no SWAT Kats! However, something else did show up.

“Huh?” Viper exclaimed and looked up, hearing a loud, droning sound.  “AH! NO!”

3 Enforcer helicopters flew into view, armed with machine guns and laser cannons. The lead chopper seemed to hover right over the mad mutant.

“Give it up, Viper!” came Commander Feral’s booming voice over the chopper’s loudspeaker.

“NEVER!” hissed the mad scientist.  “Eat the helicopters, poopssssy!” he shouted at his monster.

The giant beast turned and stomped back towards the pizza parlor, where the choppers were centered.

In the cockpit of his chopper, Feral stared in total surprise at what stalked into view.

“Pilot?” he asked.

“Yes, sir?” answered the chopper pilot.

“WHAT IS THAT THING!?”

“A giant slice of pizza, I’d say.”

The monstrous Italian food creature swatted down the nearest helicopter, which in turn crashed into one of its counterparts. Both chopper crews bailed out before their airships exploded in one huge ball of flame.

“Hahhahhahahahahahahahahaaaaa!” cackled Viper. ” No SssssssWAT Katssss, but thissss issss ssssssstill fun!” He ate another slice of pizza.

“Not, so fast , Viper!” came an all too familiar voice.

Viper spat out what he was eating and spun around to see…

“SSSSSSSSSSWAT KATSSSSSSS!!!” he exclaimed.

“The one and only,” said Razor.

“But , how!?”

“Easy, a little bird told us what you were up to,” said T-Bone.

Suddenly, a giant, cheese covered foot stomped right in front of the SWAT Kats. T-Bone and Razor looked up.

“Not you again!” groaned T-Bone. He fired his Glovatrix. ” Mini Cement launcher, deployed!”

The ball of cement-like goo hit the monster right in its sausage covered face! It fell over onto the wrecked and flaming Enforcer chopper and got overcooked!

Dr. Viper couldn’t believe he had been beaten so easily. He plopped face down onto the ground and began kicking and screaming.

“Nononononononononono!!!!” he whined.  “Not fair , not fair!”

“Well, look who’s talkin!” teased Razor. “I’ve never seen you fight fair.”

This angered Viper. He bore his poison fangs and launched himself at Razor.

“Whoa!” cried Razor as the snake kat pinned him to the ground.

Just as Viper was about to bite Razor on the arm……

“FREEZE VIPER!” boomed Feral, a flashlight in his hand.

“RAAAR!” snarled Viper and forgot about Razor and threw himself on Feral, fangs out and ready.

“Gaaaaaaaaaaah!” cried Feral.  His flashlight hit the ground.

Without a moment’s hesitation, Razor grabbed the light and shoved it in Viper’s face. He shrieked and covered his face with both arms. Feral grabbed Viper’s coat collar and pushed him off.

“Good work , SWAT Kat!  I’ll take it from here!” said Feral and gave chase to a fleeing Dr. Viper.

However, Viper eluded the Enforcer by stumbling blindly into an open kathole. Feral grumbled to himself and went back to try and find someway to explain his loss. However, the SWAT Kats had disappeared when he got back .

“Ah well, all for the best,” he said . He had to admit, he never liked those hot-shot vigilantes, but they were there when he needed them, most of the time anyway.


Jake and Chance looked at the ruined car. It was completely crushed! T-Bone had to pry the trunk open to get their emergency suits and Glovatrixes, which they had been taking with them ever since an incident involving Hard Drive last week..

“And, it was brand new too!” moaned Jake.

Their sorrow was interrupted by an Enforcer soldier calling Feral’s name. “Commander!” he shouted.

Feral ran up. “What now?”

“It’s a call from City Hall!  Mayor Manx and Deputy Mayor Briggs were just abducted by Dark Kat!”said the soldier.

“WHAT!?” screamed Feral.

On the other side of the parking lot, Chance and Jake heard everything.

“How could have been so stupid!” cried Jake, smacking his forehead.

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t you see? Viper WANTED us to come! This whole thing was a decoy!”

“And the Metallikats said something about a birthday party! Manx and Callie must be the birthday boy’s big present!”

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TO BE CONTINUED!!!!!

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