Original SWAT Kats Story

SWAT Kats: Coast to Coast

By Alan Gunton

  • 1 Chapter
  • 1,294 Words

A “Space Ghost, Coast to Coast” spoof.

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Author's Notes:

Dedicated to Joe Rovang, who gave me the inspiration

::Viper and Hard Drive are sitting at a table drinking coffee. Behind them is a large window with the silhoutte of Megakat City in it’s frames::

HARD DRIVE: So, I said to Dark Kat “Okay, I’ll be your partner, but I’m in charge!”

VIPER: That’sss not what happened. I read the ssscript. You’re ad-libbing.

HARD DRIVE: ::frowns and changes the subject:: Good coffee, isn’t it?

VIPER: ::takes a sip from his cup:: Mmmm.. Ssstarbucksss!

::Razor’s voice comes over the loudspeaker::

RAZOR: Viper! Hard Drive! Where are you? The show starts in 5 minutes! Get your tail’s to the set!

VIPER: Yeah, yeah.

HARD DRIVE: ::grumbles:: I hate this… ::both get up and leave the cafeteria::

::The two villians walk to a darkened set. Hard Drive walks over to a control unit and starts pressing buttons. Viper takes his place behind a synthesizer. To the left of Viper is a desk and a television. Razor walks out onto the set::

RAZOR: Okay you guys. This is our first show. Don’t screw it up.

::loud and obnoxious theme music starts to play loudly. Everyone covers their ears. At the end of the music, T-Bone fades in::

VIPER: How’d you do that?

T-BONE: We have a big special effects budget. ::he disappears and reappears behind his desk:: Greetings kat fans. Welcome to my show.

RAZOR: Your show!?

T-BONE: Our show. Anyway, we have a very explosive show for you this evening. ::an explosion goes off backstage::

HARD DRIVE: Sorry about that!

T-BONE: ::to Razor:: Remind me to hold auditions for a new cast. Now, let’s welcome our first guests, the Metalikats! ::TV screen lowers and an image of Mac and Molly appear:: Greetings vile villians. Are you getting enough oxygen?

::Mac and Molly give T-Bone an odd look::

MOLLY: ::whispers to Mac:: I think he’s the one who doesn’t have enough oxygen.

T-BONE: I heard that!

VIPER: ::waving a little pennant:: Go Mac! Go Molly! Go villians!!

T-BONE: ::raises his glovitrix and fires a flame thrower missile at Viper, frying him::

VIPER: ::blinks:: uhhh…

T-BONE: Much better. ::taps a little blue card on the desk:: Now, Metalikats, why have you chosen a life of crime?

MAC: Well, that’s kind of a tough question. Ya see, we don’t really know why… we just.. uh..

MOLLY: We just like it. ::whacks Mac on the head:: You can’t do anything right.

MAC: Can too!

MOLLY: Can not!

T-BONE: ::puts his head in his paw and taps the cards:: Can we continue?

::Mac and Molly shut up::

RAZOR: ::begins to doze off::

T-BONE: ::to Mac and Molly:: How did you guys get those spiffy metal bodies?

MOLLY: Didn’t you see that episode?

T-BONE: Yes, but we need to waste time until our next guest comes. So tell us.

MAC: We escaped from Alkatraz, got killed when a boat hit us, and we washed up on a beach. There we met the Professer, Gilligan and ::sighs:: Mary Ann…

MOLLY: Quit screwin’ around boltbrains! We were found by Professor Hackle. He made us robot bodies in hopes that we could be of use to him. But did we listen?

MAC: You better believe we didn’t!

T-BONE: And what are your plans for the future?

MOLLY: We plan to take over the city, and you SWAT Kats will never be able to stop us!

Razor: ::yawns:: Yeah, we heard that one before.

::the image of Mac and Molly disappear, leaving static::

T-BONE: Hard Drive! What happened to the Metalikats?!

HARD DRIVE: They were annoying me. ::pushes a few buttons on the console::

T-BONE: But that was no reason to get rid of them. Okay, next guess!

HARD DRIVE: Coming right up! ::pulls a lever and an image of Dr. Greenbox appears on the TV screen::

T-BONE: Greetings citizen Greenbox.

GREENBOX: Hello T-Bone. Hello Razor.

RAZOR: Hi Leiter!

GREENBOX: Don’t call me that!

RAZOR: Sorry.

T-BONE: ::clears his throat:: Now, what new inventions have you come up with?

GREENBOX: Well, I have MuteKat 500.

T-BONE: What does it do?

GREENBOX: Well, it looks like an ordinary remote control… but when you press the big red button, it mutes very obnoxious annoying people.

T-BONE: Show us, if you can.

GREENBOX: ::aims remote at Viper and presses button::

VIPER: ::mouth opens but nothing comes out. He starts yelling::

GREENBOX: ::turns off the MuteKat::

VIPER: T-BONE HAS A FAT HEAD!!!

T-BONE: ::glares at Viper::

VIPER: ::realizes that he wasn’t muted:: Oops….

::T-Bone cinges Viper yet again::

T-BONE: Great invention doc. When will it be out on stores? We could use one of them.

GREENBOX: In about a year or two. I still have work out many of the bugs.

RAZOR: I can probably help you with those.

GREENBOX: Okay. Come over after the show and you can help.

T-BONE: ::sighs:: Nerds.

RAZOR: I am not a nerd! You want a nerd, go look at Bill Gates!

T-BONE: Next Guest!!

HARD DRIVE: ::pulls a lever and an image of Princess Di appears on the screen::

T-BONE: Hard Drive! Wrong guest!

HARD DRIVE: ::grumbles and pulls the lever again. An image of Felina Feral appears::

T-BONE: Thank you. Greetings Lieuteniant Feral.

FELINA: Hi guys.

T-BONE: Haven’t seen you around lately. What have you been up to?

FELINA: Mostly paperwork and bossing Steele around.

RAZOR: And if you can’t find Bill Gates, look at Steele!

T-BONE: Ok, I get the point.

VIPER: GUM!

::Everyone looks at Viper funny::

VIPER: Hey, it worked for Zorak.

T-BONE: ::sighs:: Anyway, Felina, any top secret weapons you can tell us about?

FELINA: No.

T-BONE: Is there something top secret?

FELINA: Yes, but I’m not telling.

T-BONE: ::in an annoying voice:: Pleeeeeeeeaaaase?

FELINA: Annoy me, and I’ll hurt you.

T-BONE: Okay! Okay! I’ll stop!

FELINA: ::laughs::

T-BONE: How’s your uncle doing?

FELINA: He’s fine. Still the same old sourpuss.

T-BONE: Well, isn’t that just dandy! ::taps cards on the desk::

FELINA: By the way, he’s sending you guys a bill for the last tank you blew up.

RAZOR: Perfect…

T-BONE: Well, that’s all the time we have today, folks.

HARD DRIVE: ::starts the end music and the entire screen shows the credits::

T-BONE: ::not visible, but trying to yell above the music:: I WASN’T FINISHED!!

HARD DRIVE: So?

T-BONE: Wait till I get my paws on you!!!

::theme music continues for a few minutes then ends abruptly::

VIPER: GUM!!

The End

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