“Road Trip III” by Nicholas “The Spoof Is Out There” Ball
Shake well before opening: The events in this story should clear up any confusion over the events referred to in Road Trip II. Well, they should. But they don’t. In fact, they only make things more complex. To add to the complexity, Road Trip III (what you’re reading now) actually occurs before it’s prequel Road Trip II (what you should have read already), but doesn’t actually tell if Road Trips II and III occur before or after Road Trip I (Parts I, II and III). Any problems understanding the plot should be directed to firstname.lastname@example.org, where they will be ignored, forcing you to put the pieces together yourself. So there.
HOW TO MEET GIRLS
Knock knock knock knock knock.
The tomkat woke up with a start. He clumsily reached for his glasses which were resting on his bedside table by his clock radio. He bumped them, and sleepily picked them up off the floor.
Knock knock knock knock knock.
He put his glasses on, and focused his bleary eyes. According to the clock radio, it was 3:37 in the morning.
Knock knock knock knock knock.
The kat climbed out of bed and stumbled to his apartment door, mumbling something about being woken up so early, and how inconvenient it was.
The kat opened the door. Three figures stood in the doorway, though the kat could not tell who they were as an incredibly bright light was shining right in his eyes.
Jeremy shielded his eyes from the light with a paw and tried to get a better look at the three silhouettes.
“We have come for you”
“Is that Chas?”
The kat was grabbed by the three figures.
“Still no answer! Perhaps we should be using a hemispherical antenna….what do you think, Jeremy? Hmm?”
The scientist turned to his young nephew, who was sitting on the ground. He had his legs drawn into himself, and was looking down at the floor, rather than the magnificent star-lit sky above.
“….did you ever want to get married?”
Uncle Donald looked over a small part carefully, and reached for a screwdriver.
“Oh aye – for a while I thought of nothing else”
“I made a fool of myself a dozen times or more – but I never once met the lass who could really share my life’s work with me, why do you ask?”
“I was just thinking…”
“It’d be nice to have a SANE auntie? Is that it?”
Jeremy put a paw across his eyes, and muttered “Eee!..eee”. Uncle Donald walked over to him and crouched by his side.
“Has Mirren been pestering you about chest fur again?”
“No…” Jeremy blushed, and lowered his eyes.
“Then what is it?”
Jeremy tilted his head to the side and looked up to his uncle.
“…don’t you ever get lonely?”
“Ah. I see”
Uncle Donald stood up and walked to the edge of the castle’s battlement. He looked out over the hills in the distance, and took a deep breath of the cool, Scottish air.
“Science…is a faithful mistress, Jeremy. But not an especially warm one, I know. Sometimes even the unified field theory doesn’t look as good as a hot-blooded lassie in a tight bodice”
There was a long silence as the scientist stared out into the distance.
“But it passes” he said, turning back to his work. “Now, where IS the colander?”
“Hyaaarrgggghhh!! Hng! Hng! Hnyahhaghhg!!!!”
An alien leaned into Jeremy’s field of view. He would normally see more, but he was clamped down on the operating table.
“Please do not scream. It upsets us”
The alien leant back, and the bright light flooded Jeremy’s eyes again. A few drops of water trickled out of his left eye, which was collected in one of the many tubes connected to Jeremy’s head.
“…sorry…” he muttered.
“Not at all”
Another alien picked up a small plastic piece of tubing with a syringe on the end and pointed to the kat’s head.
“I think there’s room for a few more in there”
A third alien started to work on Jeremy.
“Hyyyaarggghhh!!!! Hng! Hng! Hnyayargagh!!!”
Blackness. Then a voice, a voice never heard before by the listener spoke up, breaking the silence.
“Are you going to eat that?”
The alien angrily poked a digit at the chart pinned up on the wall, before turning back to face the she-kat.
“Tell us! Tell us of your sun’s physical spectrum!”
The she-kat sipped her tea for a moment, and leant back into the comfortable armchair.
“Well – the indigo’s nice”
More blackness. This time, the voice was different.
“Master MacKatlitch? If you could wake up now, please”
A spotlight turned on, and Jeremy was snapped to his senses. He was sitting in a chair, and a presumably female alien was standing by his side. She looked official, and was wearing a uniform to that effect.
“Good evening, Master MacKatlitch. I will be your know-how for tonight’s dalliance. Co-operate with us, and you will be in receipt of many laids. I am sure that I need not warn you of what failure might bring”
“Your charming companion shall join you presently” she said, walking away.
“Ooh” said Jeremy, as he took in his surroundings. He was dressed up in coat and tie, and was sitting in what definitly resembled a restaurant. He picked up a fork from the table he was sitting at, and put it down again, after looking at it.
“In the meanwhile, here is some light music” an alien wearing a festive Spanish shirt said, calling over three others, who carried guitars.
The barber leant over towards the she-kat, and looked in the mirror.
“And perhaps a little off…”
The she-kat’s paw snapped out with lightening reflexes, and firmly gripped the wrist of the alien.
“Not the fringe”
The alien dropped the scissors.
“Perhaps not” the alien muttered, and rubbed his wrist when the she-kat let go.
The maitre d’ folded his white towel over his bended arm, and hung it in front of him, before returning his attentions to the kat.
“And if I may recommend the oysters..”
“Uh – not for me, thanks”
Jeremy’s body jumped as he received a Level 5 electrical shock from the wires still connected to the back of his head. His hair sizzled slightly, and his glasses dangled from one ear.
“Oysters! Yes! Lots!” he exclaimed.
“Very good…ah! I see madame has arrived”
The she-kat sat down in the chair opposite Jeremy.
“It’s so good to see a kat again, after being surrounded by these bug-headed monsters for so long. My name’s Sheri. Sheri Anderton” Sheri said, and turned to the maitre d’. “Go away now”
The maitre d’ left, and she turned her attentions back to Jeremy.
“And you are?”
“Um…Jeremy. Jeremy Mackatlitch”
“Glad to meet you Jeremy. Though I’d be pleased if we had other circumstances to meet under. Can I have that?”
Jeremy looked down at the napkin he was holding.
“Uh..sure. There you go”
“Now, do you know why we’re here? These bug-eyed perverts woke me up in my home at 7am. 7 a.m – can you believe that? Then they drag me up here, and invite me onto a mystery date”
“I’m not, um, having a very fun time myself..um…did they do unpleasant things to..uh..you too?”
“Unpleasant things? Not that I can recall. What unpleasant things?”
“Umm…well, they stuck tubes in my nose”
“My, that IS unpleasant. Where’s the food?”
The alien leant further towards the television and stabbed at the screen in fury. His superior officer knocked his hand away.
“What are they DOING????”
“Shut up – I think they must be doing…doing…what are they doing?”
The medical officer looked up from his anatomical dictionary, and glanced at the screen.
“Well, they haven’t started the..act..yet..this must be some sort of arousal ritual. I think it’s called ‘foreplay’”
“This race is primitive. It cannot be explained”
“And how long will this..’foreplay’..continue for?”
The medical officer turned to a certain page, and looked up.
“It will be brief. She will not be able to resist her urges any longer soon. Is he wearing the aftershave?”
All three figures turned back to face the screen.
The youth looked briefly over the battlements, before turning back to his uncle.
“Now we broadcast a simple fibbonacci N series. Just to let them know that we’re intelligent life. A few thousand volts should do it. Pass the broccoli”
Jeremy rolled his sleeves up and picked up a long set of tongs. He reached with them into a barrel of liquid nitrogen and pulled out a solid head of broccoli. Donald fixed the broccoli into place, using his thermal gloves. He pulled a lever, and the brightness of the elecricity briefly illuminated the two figures standing on the roof. Uncle Donald looked briefly down at the broccoli, and then up at the night sky.
“Contact” he said.
“I just know you’re one of those interesting kats who’ll do something really crazy in a second” Sheri said, and looked across at Jeremy.
Jeremy sat there with a blank look on his face. After about 5 minutes of this, Sheri decided to speak again.
“Why haven’t they started yet?”
“I don’t know. I begin to see why we will be useful. This whole process may be more complicated than we had any reason to suspect” the medical officer answered, and turned back to his work.
The superior officer, the female who had initially spoken to Jeremy, leant forwards in her chair.
“If it was a doddle – they wouldn’t need US. Pull him out. I’m taking over”
“What in the bloody blue blazes do you think you’re doing??”
Derivative Bender, a kat sporting glasses, a goatee and large brimmed black hat looked up from the control panel. Biggles Bender, a kat who looked just like Biggles, stood behind him.
“I didn’t do anything!”
Biggles narrowed his eyes.
“You’ve been up to your tricks again, haven’t you?”
“I haven’t done anything! All the controls have frozen up”
Biggles walked over and sat in the swivel chair beside him. He tapped a button labelled ‘Cough’ twice. Nothing happened. He pushed ‘Blink’. Once again, nothing happened.
“You see? We can’t even make him blink!” Derivative complained.
“Ah, dearest Sheriton, tonight I will show you the love of tigers” Jeremy said, taking his coat off, and loosening his tie.
“You what?” Sheri asked.
“What’s happened?” Biggles asked, typing a few commands on a desktop computer.
“I think the aliens have done something to us..er, him” Derivative replied, waving his paw around the interior of Jeremy’s psyche.
“Blast them, but, I think I’ve found it”
“You have, what is it?”
“It’s some bally chip or something. They must be controlling him with it” Biggles replied, pointing to the screen, and a flashing diagram on it. “Oh, my precious lump of lathanium, I shall pleasure you in many physical ways. Can you guess them, my sweaty-flanked okapi, can you?”
“What the hell are you on about??”
“Can we override it?” Derivative asked, tapping a few buttons experimentally.
“Manually, yes. I’m going to shut us down, temporarily. Our systems should return to normal”
Jeremy finished unbuttoning his shirt, and took it off. “But enough of what you kats call ‘foreplay’, now we shall perform our primitive mating act. And when-” Jeremy passed out, allowing his head to drop forwards onto the empty plate in front of him.
“What the hell happened??”
“You shouldn’t have made him say ‘primitive’”
“Give me back control! I need control!” the superior officer yelled, thumping the useless control panel in front of her.
The doctor paused.
“Extraodinary…I mean, this IS what he wants, isn’t it?”
“What he wants??” the superior exclaimed, grabbing the doctor by his white coat. “I’ve been on this mission too damn long to care about what HE wants”
“From now on – we do it MY way” she yelled, and turned back to the screen.
Jeremy sat slowly up, and groggily shook his head.
“What the hell were you just doing?” Sheri asked him, angrily. She was shocked at how forwards he had the nerve to be.
“I..um…” Jeremy looked down at his shirt, but found that he wasn’t wearing one. He was so surprised, that he dropped his fork, which fell down a heating grate, and started on it’s one mile trip to disaster.
“And just what kind of easy shekat do you take me for?”
“God, and even now you have the gall to just pretend that you don’t know what I’m talking about”
“I..er…what ARE you talking about?”
Sheri slapped Jeremy.
“Don’t you ever do that again” she said in her coldest voice.
“I..um..sorry” Jeremy muttered, and stared down at his empty plate. Sheriton turned her head away, and looked at a wall.
The medical officer looked over the papers on his clipboard.
“We think so. He’ll be easy enough, but we may have to…adjust her brain”
“A little. Interestingly, it’s almost as if-”
The superior officer barked an order at her second in command, before walking out of the room.
“Do it” the second officer addressed the doctor.
“Oh yes” the doctor said, and wandered off.
“Listen, we’ve got to get out of here. Have you got a plan? I’ve got a plan. It’s not a very good plan..um..if I do the making a diversion part and you do the hitting, how does that sound?”
Sheri turned back to face him.
“Right, I’m going to get off this ship”
Sheri stood up, and walked a few steps, when she met the alien doctor.
“I’m afraid I’m going to have give you an injection” the doctor said, taking out a syringe “And then we’ll have to do a small operation on your brain. Please come with me”
“You what?” Sheri exclaimed, stepping back. Jeremy stood up.
“Um..I don’t think you should do stuff to her brain”
“But this is all for you” the doctor said, pointing to Jeremy. “It’s all necessary”
“For me? I don’t want any of – what are you talking about?”
“Oh dear, I thought we could just use the chip we implanted in your brain. But it appears you may be troublesome, too. You will both need to be adjusted, it seems”
“Chip? Adjust???” Jeremy took a few steps back also, but bumped into a security officer, who grabbed his arms, and held them behind his back. Sheri was held too.
“It won’t hurt. Please keep still”
The fork clattered along the sloped inner surface of the vent, halfway to it’s final destination.
Jeremy spun to see where the tremendous noise had come from. It’s source was the main door. Or rather, where the main door had used to be, but now all there was was a crater, a smoking crater, a smoking crater with 8 or so Space Marines running through it. Space Marines wore large metal body armour, and carried very large weapons. Space Marines are not a quiet, reserved bunch, hence the dramatic entrance on their behalf.
“Covering fire – take ’em out!”
The security officers drew their phasars and shot at the Space Marines, who returned fire. *K-pow!* *Zap!* *Blam!* A large Marine who looked like he was 98% muscle ran over to the two kats.
“Are you Jeremy Kafka Lachlan MacKatlitch, The Earth, The Solar System, Milky Way, The Universe?”
The shooting stopped, and the Marine helped Jeremy to his paws.
“Got your message, son. Like you to meet some people”
A lower officer took out his radio “Operation Jeremy is go” he said. Four other Space Marines burst into the room, and moved aside so the ten gorgeous shekats they were escorting could be seen.
“Jeremy – this is Andy, Brandy, Dusty, Candy, Cindy, Mindy, Rusty, Randy, Wendy, Bendy, Busty and Indira – girls – Jeremy”
A particularly voluptuous shekat who sported a wet, black bikini slinked up to Jeremy. She stood by his side, and rubbed her chest against him as she drew one paw across his bare chest, and ran the other through his hair.
“Hey there, sugar” she purred “let’s have sex”
“Yes, lad, what is it?”
“Can we send a message?”
“Aye, any code can be deciphered eventually”
Jeremy looked to the skies, trying to imagine the vast distances involved between them all.
Mindy leant over to talk to Wendy.
“Hey” she whispered “why isn’t he moving?”
“Please” Derivative begged.
“No” Biggles stated, folding his arms.
“Please??” the kat said, his paws trembling.
“No” Biggles returned in the same voice.
“But she WANTS me..us…him!”
“No go zone, old fruit”
“But why? She really, truly wants us er, him”
Biggles paused and thought. Derivative clenched his paws together and looked back to the image of the she-kat.
“Really truly, eh?”
“Really truly” Derivative assured, turning back to face Biggles.
Biggles thought a bit more. He closed his eyes and shook his head.
“All the more reason not to”
“WHAT?!?!?!?” Derivative yelled.
“You just don’t understand she-kat’s, old chap”
Derivative pulled furiously on his black fedora.
“Because YOU won’t let me LEARN!!!”
“Temper…no, the thing about your she-kat is..”
“..oh God..” Derivative muttered, resting his head on his paws.
“They don’t like sex. Not the way we do”
Derivative jerked his head up and waved his paws in fury.
“Of COURSE they do!!!”
“No..no they don’t” Biggles replied, calmly. Derivative spun around in his chair so he faced away from Biggles.
“At least” Biggles began, turning around, “not with us”
Derivative narrowed his eyes in defeat.
“Why not?” he asked in a quiet voice.
“Well…would you?” Biggles reasoned, holding a paw in the air.
“It’s the only kind I get!!!”
Derivative clapped his paws over his mouth. Biggles opened his eyes in surprise and narrowed them, slowly.
“…I hope that doesn’t mean what I think it means”
Both kats jumped at the sound of the alarm. A flashing red light displayed “Proximity Alert!”, and a similar sign said “Embarrassment Overide: Shutdown in 5 Seconds”.
“She’s got the trousers! She’s got the bloody TROUSERS!” Biggles yelled, diving for a lever labelled Awake – Tired – Really Tired – R.E.M – Asleep” Derivative reached for the button marked ‘Abort’. They both looked up, and saw the she-kat toss the trousers over her shoulder. Jeremy looked down at his undershorts and went a bright red.
“Embarrassment Override: Shutdown in 3 Seconds”
“This is it! We’re going to…..do it” said a sullen Biggles.
“Well don’t look so bloody depressed!”
“Good-bye, old son” Biggles said, pulling his flight goggles on “Blue skies, eh?”
“Don’t you DARE make me feel guilty!”
“Embarrassment Override: Shutdown in 1 Second!”
“…did you say something?” Derivative asked, after a dangerous pause.
A particularly large Space Marine grabbed Jeremy by his arms and lifted him up in the air. He pointed over to Sheri.
“That’s a GIRL! What the hell are you pullin’ here?!?”
“Is it broadcasting now?” the excited young kat asked, jumping up and down on the spot.
The kitling stopped, and there was a long pause.
“Is it still broadcasting?” he asked, jumping in excitement again.
“See? This is all your fault” Biggles exclaimed, grabbing Derivative.
“SHUT UP!!!” he yelled, trying to fend off his attack.
The Space Marine dropped the kat to go and fight the aliens who had just gotten their reinforcements.
A beeping canister landed near Jeremy, and the blast it released threw him and Sheri across the room, and under a table.
*Zap!* *Zap!* *Zap!*
“Um…” Jeremy stammered.
“You of all kats!”
“I can’t believe you just laid there, motionless, and let her strip you off like that! With her teeth, no less! Have you no shame?”
“At least you had the dignity to keep your boxer shorts on – for now. And don’t you even THINK of taking them off”
Sheri looked down at the Space Marine’s body which had slid over to them. He grunted and stood up, reloading his Blasta, and dropping his communicator. She picked the communicator up curiously and read the message on the screen. It read-
“1::5:10:10:5:1 — EMERGENCY! EMERGENCY! I NEED YOU TO HELP ME MEET GIRLS! PLEASE! YOURS SINCERELY, JEREMY KAFKA LACHLAN MACKATLITCH, THE EARTH, THE SOLAR-SYSTEM, MILKY WAY, THE UNIVERSE.. 1:3:3:1, 1:4:6:4:1…”
There was a dangerous pause, as Sheri slowly looked up at the tomkat beside her, who started to sweat slightly and blushed desperately.
“…you…DIRTY little kat”
Jeremy placed his paws on his head.
“you dirty-DIRTY..smutty little kitten”
“I was only fourteen” he muttered.
“you..sheet-staining, GRUBBY little FURVERT!”
“It wasn’t me! They were like that when I found them” he whined, and muttered something incomprehensible.
“SAD little WEED!…whay do you mean, ‘they’ve stopped’?”
Jeremy crawled out from under the table and looked up.
“Hey – hello there!”
Jeremy stood up and addressed the she-kat. Sheri stood behind him.
“Um..are you okay?”
“Shewer – hunnert percent!”
“Furvert” Sheri muttered under her breath, and folded her arms.
“But the guns and-”
“Oh, I KNOW, can you believe that, hahn? It’s not like we didn’ keep tellin’ them – ‘Guys’ we said ‘put some sequins on y’r armour! You’ll thank us!’ But did they lissen? O’ cawse not ‘No time, goils’. ‘Not butch enough’”
Cindy walked over to a Space Marine who was lying on the ground. Smoke slowly diffused out through a crater in his chest armour.
“Well – hahn – who’s the fashion victim now, Tref? HAHN?”
Jeremy blinked, and looked around for some more clothes to wear.
“What’s that you’ve got there?”
Jeremy looked up from the package.
“Oh, hi Abby. Aunt Mirren sent me something in the mail” Jeremy replied, before returning back to his task. Abby walked over to the package and picked up a kilt.
“She sent you a SKIRT?”
“It’s the family tartan. I..er…why are you looking at me like that?”
Abby smiled a devlish smile.
“Have you tried it on yet?”
“Are you GOING to try it on?”
“Um…maybe” Jeremy replied, and picked up a disk from the parcel. “Can I use your computer for something, Abby?”
“Aunty Mirren says that this is mine, but I don’t really know what it is. I’ll check it for viruses. I just want to see what’s on it. So, can I use your computer?”
“Sure. On one condition”
Abby tossed Jeremy the kilt.
The fork fell out of the ventilation shaft, and into the interior workings of the main processor. It wedged itself between two gears, which momentarily ground to a halt. Then the rod shattered, and the ship flipped onto it’s side, allowing all Hell to indeed break loose.
“Soft landing” Sheri said, climbing off the pile of she-kats on the floor, or rather on the wall, the wall that had now become the floor.
“Anyone land on the weed?”
Jeremy climbed up what used to be the floor and slid down the roof of the corridor. He got to his paws and lept across the gap that used to be the corridor that lead to the operating room, and tumbled down the rest of the length of the roof , as he lost his footing. He hit a black, tinted window, which shattered, katapulting him forwards, where he hit the interior of the windshield. He shook his head, and climbed into the pilot’s seat. He looked up through the slightly cracked windshield, and saw the Earth sitting there in front of him. Half of it was illuminated, the other half was in complete darkness.
“You took your time”
Jeremy spun in his seat, and saw that Sheri was sitting in the chair beside him.
“How did you..?!”
Jeremy sat back again, and dropped his shoulders.
“By the way” Sheri continued, pointing, “that’s a really crap haircut”
Brandy walke in, fanning herself with a paw.
“Eeew – ew. Who left their hot rollers on?”
Jeremy and Sheri started to sweat profusely as the interior temperature of the ship sky-rocketed.
“..altitude control? Thrusters? Air brakes?…ANYTHING?!? None of this makes sense..” Jeremy exclaimed stabbing at the controls in front of him.
“Try the air-conditioning” Sheri said.
“THERE ISN’T ANY AIR-CONDITIONING!!!”
“What a gyp. What does this do?” Sheri said, pushing a button in front of her.
“Sheri!!!!” Jeremy yelled, watching the two deadly lasers speed off and impact on the Earth.
“Oh, they were going to widen Panama anyway”
“No they WEREN’T!”
“What do I do now?”
“Here – PLEASE” Jeremy said, reaching for the controls. Sheri slapped his paws away.
“*I* want to do it!” she instructed.
Jeremy rested his face on his paws, and his elbows on the control panel.
“Our angle of decent’s too steep. That’s why we’re burning up”
“Mmmm..” said Brandy, wrapping her arms around herself “..why does that sound sexy?”
“Never mind. Please. Oh God. Just try to skip along the top of the atmosphere”
Sheri narrowed her eyes, and turned to Jeremy.
“Try to WHAT??”
“THAT’S WHAT YOU DO!!!” Jeremy said, waving his paws.
“I want to press BUTTONS! What’s this one?” Sheri yelled. Two airbags inflated in front of them.
“..well, that’s better” Jeremy muttered, leaning tiredly on the airbag.
“How am I doing? Don’t SULK, how am I doing?”
Jeremy gave no reply.
“Oooooh – izzum’s cross” Sheri taunted.
The spaceship piledrove itself into the hard, flat ground of the Earth. There was a long silence, and Sheri sat up. She looked across at Jeremy, and patted the airbag.
“And you mocked. Loser”
“Hey – congrats! Ya did it!”
Jeremy looked up from his place on the ground, and saw the decadent of she-kats were heading towards him.
“Jeremy” Sheri said.
Jeremy looked across to Sheri, who was now leaning on a sign saying “Welcome to Snowy Flats. MegaKat City 437 ml”
“I’m giving you three hours. If there’s no bus by then, we eat your leg”
It started to snow lightly, and Jeremy passed out.
Obsessive Reader’s Fun Corner: Spot the deliberate mistake made in this story!
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Disclaimer: SWAT Kats: The Radical Squadron is copyright to Hanna-Barbera Cartoons Inc. All Rights Reserved. © 1995. All other characters and material within this page are the property of their respective creators.