Austin Katers by Elizabeth "Razor" Berndt

Austin Katers by Elizabeth Berndt

Scene 1, 1967óSomewhere in Nevada

(We see a table surrounded by evildoers. At the head of the table, is Dr. Viper. He is stroking Raze, who is in his lap. Raze seems highly upset.)

Dr. Viper: Ladiesss and gentlemen, welcome to my underground layer. You have disappointed me. You have failed greatly in trying to kill my arch-nemesisss, Austin Katersss ! That makesss me mad ! And, when I get mad, Raze getsss upset ! And, when Raze getsss upsetÖKATS DIE !! (You see Viper push red buttons right and left) Why must I be surrounded by frickiní idiots ? (kills more of his goonsÖand leaves two of them to live) Mustafa ?

Mustafa: (played byógaspóT-bone !) Huh ?

Dr. Viper: I want you to travel with Gina here and kill Austin Katers !

Gina: (played by Kikki): Oh, you need not worry !

(Now we flash forward to the opening to the movie)

Ladies: Oh, my GAWD ! Itís AUSTIN KATERS ! (scream and run after him)

Austin Katers: (played by Razor) Crud. (starts running) (He finally finds his AWESOME Union Jack racer, and ìracesî away !) Well, hello, Cynthia, my love !

Cynthia: (played by Strike) ëEllo, Austin ! (beeping noise, Austin checks his viewing screen to see whatís up)

Austin: Hi, Basil !

Basil: (played by Mayor Manx) Hello, Austin ! This is British Intelligence. Weíve just had word that Dr. Viper is

(They get to Dr. Viperís secret headquarters, but they were too late !)

Dr. Viper: (laughs menially) Youíre too late, Austin Powers ! Come, Raze ! (Raze comes to him, and he blasts off)

Cynthia: He

Dr. Viper: (says this when the door is closed) Next time, youíll see meÖin the future ! Bwa, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ! (Many, many years laterÖAustin has also been frozen, and Cynthia, well, she still lives in London, and she has a daughter named Vanessa !)

Scene 2 Somewhere in Nevada, 1997

(We find Austin Katers frozen, and the unfreezing process is about to begin)

Feral has found Austin, and with the rest of the scientists unfreeze him.

Enforcer: Whoís that ?

Feral: Austin Katers. Secret agent of British Intelligence, best agent around, and irresistible to women.

Enforcer: So, we unfreezin this stiff ?

Feral: (mumbles) Well, duh !

(They unfreeze him, and soon Austin becomes more familiar with his surroundings)

Feral: Hey, Austin, you with us ?

Austin: (opens his eyes) Where am I ?

Enforcer: Whatís wrong with him ?

Feral: Itís part of the unfreezing processÖHis time was in the 60ís, he just has to get used to 1997.

Austin: Yeah, it seems I have a problemÖ(loudly) controlling the volume of my voice !!

(Vanessa enters)

Feral: Mr. Katers, there is someone who I would like you to meet, Vanessa Wiles !

Austin: (smitten) God, Vanessaís got a great body. I bet she shags like a minx !

Vanessa: (played by Sami, looks disgusted)

Feral: (mumbles) Donít worry, Vanessa, thatís part of the unfreezing process too. (speaks up) Austin, you and Vanessa will be working together, as partners. (says this to Austin) Keep that in mind, Mr. Katers ! Austin: Whatever, baby.

(They go to pick up Austinís stuff)

Guy at desk: (played by Wildkat): One pair Italian leather bootsÖ

Austin: Bonjurno, there boys ! (takes boots)

Guy at desk: One crushed velvet outfitÖ

Austin: Shagadelic ! Iíve been waiting so long just to get that outfit back !

Guy at desk: One Swedish made penis enlargerÖ

Austin: Hey, thatís not mine !

Guy at desk: One warranty for Swedish made penis enlarger, signed Austin Katers.

Austin: But, this really isnít my bag, baby !

Guy at desk: One book, Swedish made penis enlarger: This thing really is my bag, (pauses) baby !

Austin: Vanessa, itís not mineÖI swear to you, baby !

Vanessa: From now on, AustinÖYou address me as Vanessa, or Vanna.

Austin: (watches her walk away, whistles a bit) Groovy, babyÖSorry, I mean Vanna ! (grabs everything from the desk, even the penis enlarger) Iíll take that !

Scene 3óDr. Viperís son, and main take over point !

(In Dr. Viperís secret layer)

Viper: I canít believe thisss, Mustafa ! Look at what the unfreezing processss did to Razzze ! (bangs fists on table) And, what of Austin KatersssÖIs he dead ?

Mustafa: Oh, noÖHe lives.

Viper: You moron ! I thought I told you to KILL him ! (presses red button and adjourns his meeting) This should remind you guys that you donít messss with Dr. Viper ! (strokes Raze) OK, now I want you to meet my agentsÖGina, you already know these guysss, but pay attention anyway !

Gina: (looks bored, files nails)

Viper: This isss one of my agentssss, Mr. Wang. (played by Mr. Young) He can kill anybody. Mr. Wang, show them what you do ! (he throws his shoe, and it decapitates a marble statue, Mr. Wang cracks his head) Oooo ! I love it when he doesss that ! Next contestant, a very superstitious man, Harold, wears charms he collects from each of his victims. Scotland yard would love to get a hand on those.

Harold: (played by, Steel) Theyíre always after me lucky charms ! (everyone laughs, hysterically)

Harold: What ?! They ARE after me lucky charms !

Gina: Oh, you donít understand, Harry. Lucky Charms is a cereal. When the children eat it, they think they are eating candyÖ(Says this like a child) Woo ! Iím having fun ! Eating all these candy marsh mellows !! (stops laughing, and they all stop laughing)

Viper: And, of course there is my number two agentÖNumber 2. (Number 2 walks in, played by Jeffrey Cataway) Number 2 is very sly, and also has a lovely mistresss, may I add.

Gina: Well, I never !

Viper: But, certainly not as beautiful as you, my dear. OK, now our plan is to use some lasers, destroying the OZONE in the sky, making skin cancer worseÖ

Number 2: Thatís already happened.

Viper: (clears throat, hands Raze to Mr. Wang) OoooKay. Letís try this one. We tell British Intelligence that Prince Charlesss isss getting a divorce andÖ

Number 2: (clears throat) That also already happened.

Viper: Crud. (pause) Come on, throw me a frikiní bone here. Iím the bossss. Need the info. (pause) Aw, to heck with itÖLetísss just do what we alwaysss do and hold the world hostage.

Number 2: But, we donít have anything to use to get our moneyÖ

Viper: The money I have in mind isss (pauses) one million dollarsss.

Gina: Come on, sweetyÖThatís obsolete !

Viper: Dang !! OK, one hundred million dollarsss. And, Iím thinking we will use an underground missile to make the UN pay attention to usss, and give usss that money !

Gina: Sounds good to meÖ

Viper: Gina, you sound like you want to tell me something, well, spit it out, girl !

Gina: Ahem. Remember when you said, ìGina, my loveÖIf I donít come back, I want you to freeze my semen and make me a sonîÖwell, here he is. SCOTT ! (played by Norman Bobkat)

Scott: Yeah ?

Viper: (slowly gets out of his chair) My son !

Scott: Whoís the freak ?

Viper: Scott, now listen to meÖIím your father !

Scott: I havenít known you for 18 years now, and you come out saying that you are my fatherÖMan you are screwed up !

Viper: Whatísss the matter, Iím with it ! (starts dancing the Robot) Donít stare at me like Iím a frikiní Frankenstien ! Give your dad a hug ! Come on !

Scott: What are you doing ?

Viper: Come on ! (starts chasing him) Hug ! HUUUUUUGGGG !

Scott: Get away from me, you freak !

(Fade out )

Scene 4óMeeting with Number 2, Alotta Fachina and one run for the hillsÖEnter quote from Full ThrottleÖ

Austin: (thinking) I knew it ever since I saw the Itallian birdís face that I was in trouble. The bird was fine, and I mean FINE ! She was attracted to my charms, as I to hersÖBut Iíll never forget the name Alotta, because it almost made me lose my darling Vanna !

Vanessa: What are you staring at ?!

Austin: Oh, meÖNothing ! Iím just playing cards with this evil type person !

Vanessa: You think you can defeat one of Dr. Viperís henchmen ?

Austin: Dr. ViperÖI donít know what heís up to, but Iím sure I can stop it. Iíve got a special assignment tonight.

Vanessa: (sceptically) And, whatís that ? (she notices Austin canít fix his gaze on the cardsÖHe has Alottaís figure to study)

Austin: If I told you, it wouldnít be special. Oh, donít look at me like that ! You know I canít stand the sad puppy look ! OK, OK ! Iíll tell youÖ.(whispers in her ear)

Vanessa: Promise me you wonít make love to her !

Austin: I promise. (crosses his heartÖ)

Scene 5óAlottaís penthouse

(opens the door quietly, takes out his camera, and finds a black portfolioÖ)

Austin: HmmmÖ.(starts taking pictures) Yes, yesÖWork with me now. Perfect ! Smashing ! (hears the door open, and becomes silentÖhe shuts the portfolio, quickly, and places his little camera back in his pants pocket) You seemed surprised to see me, Mrs. Fachina !

Alotta: (played by Calico Briggs) While you are here, let me slip into something more comfortable. (you see her dress behind a nicely lighted door, where you can see her lovely figure siloletted against the door. Austin begins to shake and trembleÖ)

Alotta: (dressed in a thigh high Japanese robe, nothing else) Well ? Follow me.

Austin: Donít mind if I do. (he watches her undress and get into the hot tub, and he does the same)

Alotta: Mind if I wash you ? (washes himÖAustin groans with pleasure) Would you like some sake ?

Austin: Sock it to me ! (she gives him the sakeÖHe shakes his head and relaxes. Then, he cuts the cheese)

Alotta: How dare you break wind before me !

Austin: I didnít know it was your turn !

Alotta: Oh, Austin, you silly harry katÖLetís make love ! (They make love)

Austin: Oh, well hello, vicarÖWooooaÖThatís the spot, right there !

(fade out)

Scene 6óBack at homeÖ

Vanessa: Well, how did you sleep last night ?

Austin: (makes a pleased noise like Homer Simpson) AlottaÖ

Vanessa: What about Alotta ?!

Austin: I canít lie to you, Vanessa, I shagged her. Shagged her rotten !

Vanessa: AUSTIN ! You promised.

Austin: I tried to resist her, butÖAw, mamma !

Vanessa: So, it was she that shagged you, not the other way around ?

Austin: Thatís how I see it.

Vanessa: OKÖBut, do you have any feelings for her ?

Austin: Sheís a slut. You, you are intelligent, caring, and much more beautiful than Alotta.

Vanessa: Do you really mean that ?

Austin: Of course.

Vanessa: Donít look at me that way, you know it drives me wild.

Austin: But, I love driving you wild. (laughs)

Vanessa: All right. Iíll forgive you, but promise me, and promise for REAL this time. Do you love me ? Will you love me for as long as I live ?

Austin: (kisses her)

Vanessa: (dazed) Ooo. Iíll take that as a YES.

(They head to British Intelligence, and he shows him the pictures of Dr. Viperís planÖMeanwhile, in Dr. Viperís underground layer)

Dr. Viper: Well, howís it going ?

Scott: This is crazy. Having me join in with your evil plans. Listen, misterÖIíll have no part of this. Iím leavingÖIím moving to California. See ya ! (walks out)

Viper: Scott !

Gina: You canít stop him, just let him go. Sometimes, dearÖYou must let go. Itís that time.

Viper: Well who needsss that good for nothing anyway ?

Gina: OK, we hear that Austin Katers is going to stop your plans sometime tomorrow night. But, we have a secret weapon, Herr Doctor. Mr. Wang, bring out the FemBOTS ! (Fembots are introduced) They are irresistible to men, and the perfect weapon to defeat Austin Katers.

(Introduce men to the FembotsÖ)

Gina: OK, guys. Kill these women.

(They canít. They all get butchered by the ëbots ! Mr. Wang takes them away)

Viper: Boy, Iím impressed by girlsss of thatÖcalibre ! When I say calibre, I mean the ends of their guns, and howÖnever mind. OK, guysssÖStart the frickiní count down !!

The countdown begins, and we see Viper all suited up for it. He looks rather rediculous. We see him try to sit down but the suit keeps riding upÖso he just stands in it.)

(Austin makes his dramatic entrance, of course with Vanessa)

Austin: HA !

Vanessa: HA !

Viper: Stop them ! Stop them ! Donít just stand there, you idiotsss !

Mr. Wang and Number 2 try and stop them, but Vanessa holds them off, and Austin shuts off the main switch !)

Viper: Son of a submariner ! (grumbles) And, my two best agents are dead ! GINA ! Come with me !

Gina: Right away, Herr Doctor ! (follows him)

Vanessa: Letís get ëim !

(Austin follows her, and a frantic Raze rushes in front of them !)

Austin: Follow that cat !

(They follow the cat, but of course, they are lateÖ)

Viper: Next time, Katersss. Next time. (Gina is sitting on his lap, along with Raze)

Gina: See ya, losers !

Austin: Dang.

Vanessa: Donít worry, there wonít be a next timeÖWhen he unfreezes, heíll die of old age. And, GinaÖwell, I wouldnít worry about her. Sheís no problem. And, RazeÖwell cats live for a long time, this cat is no problem, as you say, itís in the bag !

Austin: Shagadelic !

Vanessa: Oh, behave !

(Later the two are married, and happy that way)

Scene 7óMarried !

Vanessa: I love you Mr. Katers. Austin: And, me as well, Mrs. Katers.

Vanessa: Iíll love you till the day I die.

Austin: As so will I.

Vanessa: Oh, AustinÖYouíre such a poet !

(They kiss, and thatís the end)

The credits are ended by a dancing and grooving Mr. AND Mrs. Katers !!

BY: Elizabeth Berndt